D-day. I wanted to die.

Extreme emotions tortured my very soul as 'I don't want to go through with it' kept repeating in my mind. I was scared. It was not exactly the humiliation that I might have to go through that scared me but the heartbreak that would follow seeing them together. I wanted to get hold of Rudra and ask him to let me go.

I had got up in the wee hours of the morning before anyone stirred as I had hardly got any sleep. I had pretended to be in deep slumber when Vaishali came in to avoid the conversation of any kind.

Unable to control my emotions any longer, I crept across the corridor towards Rudra's room to repeat my request. The door was slightly ajar and I could see a small lamp lit in the corner and one person sleeping on his king-size bed.

As I crept towards Rudra I thought about slowly shaking him awake but then feared that he might make a noise waking the household. I thought about the best angle to place my hand on his mouth so that I could hold him tight as Rudra was stronger than me. I might end up being thrown on the floor or in the worse scenario he might hurt me with a weapon thinking I was an intruder. Both would defeat the purpose as the sound emitted would again wake the people sleeping nearby.

I took a peep at his peacefully sleeping face trying to figure out the best method of approaching him and also because I wanted to have with me the image of this 'peaceful Rudra' stored as the last memento in my memory before things got out of hand.

The little light from the lamp highlighted the contours of his face, giving me a big shock as it wasn't Rudra. I took a reflexive step back and hit a chair which squeaked in protest giving me the second scare. I quickly clamped my hand on my mouth before I involuntarily made some noise.

If it had been Rudra he would have woken up alert but instead, it was Anil who slept there lost to the world. It was at that moment of enlightenment, I remembered that Anil had been made to sleep in Rudra's room. If I had remembered it before I would not have come inside the room seeing only one person lying there or would not have come at all.

I didn't want to confront Rudra in front of Anil as that could have taken an ugly turn and ending with the whole house witnessing the drama which I was trying to avoid. I quickly got out of the room soundlessly and then hurried back to mine.

I took a deep breath which I seemed to have been holding while crossing the room. I wondered where Rudra was.

Negative thoughts started popping in my mind again. Rudra must have gone to apprise Roopmati about the truth and the sequence of events as it was the game-over day. He had full right to do so but why was I feeling betrayed. Had he already told her and was it that fact that lead to her confidence during mehendi? Was she mocking me?

My thoughts were upsetting me but I had no way of knowing what was happening behind the scene. I wondered how to contact Rudra without creating suspicion.

I sat on the chair as I muddled through all the scenarios that might take place to build up the courage to face them. I didn't want any surprises where I suddenly end up having an emotional breakdown in front of everyone, ending with self -humiliation. I wanted to make a brave exit as if nothing could affect me.

"Why are you sleeping on the chair," asked Vaishali shaking me awake.

The sleep seemed to have won the war against my anxious feelings.

"I must have sleepwalked" I gave a vague excuse.

" You look like hell... Why?" asked Vaishali anxiously.

"Nothing ... I am just feeling under the weather"

"You actually are looking pathetic ... O come on Lekha how could you?... It's your wedding day for God 's sake" she whined.

"Stop swearing in English. What did I tell you about no English here rule" I tried to quieten her down as my head felt like it was ready to burst with a constant ringing noise in the background.

"Alright lie down. I will tell everyone not to disturb you"

My friend had ultimately after so many days understood that I wanted her to leave me alone and she was actually going too.

I dropped down on the bed and everything went black.

I woke up with jumbled up thoughts running through my mind and for a second I couldn't place where I was. The decor of the room was a reality check for me. I had not gone anywhere. I was still the pathetic old me who needed all the pity of the world as her pathetic one-sided love cum crush story was coming to its end.

I lay there quietly for some time and picked on the dry bits of my mehendi which I now hated. It was like a tattoo which you get with your lover's name and then they ditch you the next day. I wasn't ditched, I knew the consequences but then I wasn't in the mood for a fair trial. The mehendi would fade away in a few days I consoled myself.

The door opened after a while and maasa peeked in.

"How are you feeling Lekha?" She asked coming inside the room and closing the doors.

"I am better maasa"

"What happened, dear? Vaishali said you fainted with exhaustion"

"I just didn't get proper sleep maasa"

"The doctor said you seemed to be stressed"

"No... It's nothing like that. I think it was too much of excitement ... Maybe ..." my voice trailed off as maasa turned towards me and looked directly into my eyes. Those were a mother's eyes which could read past the child's lies. They made me nervous and I thought it best to keep quiet.

"Are you being troubled by someone?" she asked softly putting her hand on my head.

I shook my head in denial.

She gave a soft laugh and said "I had a long chat with all the girls so need of denying anything."

I bowed my head down unable to hold my tears. She didn't know the reality and knew only the portions the girls told her. I wanted to blurt all out. She had that motherly aura around her where you just want to lay your head on her lap and forget all. I missed my mother that second, she reminded me so much of her.

The only thing stopping me was that I didn't want to get married to a person who didn't want me and loved another. I wouldn't be able to live that way.

Maasa gestured me to keep my head on her lap. It felt as if she had read my thoughts and this thought comforted me.

I kept my head on her lap and slowly she started caressing my head.

After some time she asked softly "Do you want me to get her removed?"

I vigorously shook my head. I couldn't ask her to go, she was the lead heroine of this play.

"I can understand that you don't want to trouble anyone ... But ...Lekha don't you think that you should have confidence in yourself. Why are you being scared by someone's petty actions? Don't you have confidence in Rudra's words"

That was the hitch. Rudra's words and mind had changed the moment he saw his ex-fiancé walk in but I couldn't bring myself to say it. I kept quiet.

"I have seen the love for you in Rudra's eyes, though I acknowledge it wasn't there in the beginning"

It's just friendship I wanted to reply.

"You don't know how frantic he got when you had 'vanished' all of a sudden" I could feel her emphasis on the word vanished. I realized that she didn't actually believe in our concocted story but she didn't ask and I didn't feel that it was the right moment to confess.

"Do you trust me Lekha?" She asked softly, her hand movements stopped as if she was trying to interpret the truth behind whatever I replied. Then again perhaps I was just being paranoid and thinking too much about her mind-reading skills.

That made me smile, as I nodded my head.

The smile seemed to have convinced her much more than my nod, even though the reason was different.

"Then trust me when I say everything is going to be alright. You keep smiling like this. I want to see a beautiful glowing bride coming down the stairs. Now let me go and you take more rest as tonight you will not actually get time to sleep much. I will send someone with some food. Finish it all up. The girls won't be disturbing you."

As I got up from her lap, she looked into my eyes as if making sure I was alright and then after lovingly ruffling my hair she left. Soon the maid came in with a variety of food and sweets. The latter I just asked to take away from my sight. I ate whatever I could and laid down back on the bed deciding to give my mind a break. Talking to maasa was rejuvenating even though it didn't lessen my pain.

The next time I woke up it was late in the afternoon. The maid had come to ask me to take the bath and change clothes.

When I returned back the whole platoon was in my room anxiously waiting for me. They all looked at me with sombre faces, making me think of the worst.

"What happened?" I asked feeling a wee bit scared.

"You tell us what happened... you slept like the dead... Didn't wake up even when the doctor came. You know how worried maasa was?" asked Vasundhara.

"I know... I am sorry" I said hanging my head down with shame.

"Now why are you looking upset and saying sorry ... You are the patient ... it is that woman who should be sorry for making you upset in the first place" said Gayatri. She looked pretty annoyed.

"It's alright ... see I am all refreshed after a good sleep. It's not because of anyone. Maybe I just needed a big rest and my body thought of getting one on its own." I joked.

That seemed to have lightened the atmosphere a little bit.

"Rudra was worried about you ... If that makes you feel any better. He stood outside your door till the doctor didn't give an okay." Vaishali said winking at me.

A negative thought crept up my mind with regards to her statement but then seeing all their faces trying to cheer me up and worried about me, I made a resolve 'again', to not let things get to me. I would accept situations as they occurred and would not fall weak when the rejection came. No crying and no pity party for me.

After some time I was called downstairs for a small puja to be held before the actual wedding. As I descended the stairs I halted all of a sudden causing the others to crash in me. The mandap of my dreams was right in front of me. The mandap décor looked beautiful with all its rustic yet royal charm, just the way I would have liked at my marriage. I was an old girl at heart after all.







The total combo for the mandap

The banana trees at the four corners and the well-placed string of flowers giving that colourful pop, the decorated pots placed on top of each other in the ascending order of size, it was all there.

It had been erected while I was sleeping, showing the organizational skills of whosoever was in charge, as even the surrounding areas had been rearranged to suit the ceremony.

It gave me a mixed feeling of both excitement as the time traveller and the disappointment of the character whose scene was to be cut short anytime soon.

The puja was short and I was again led back to my room to get dressed for the finale. Gayatri and Maitri were both absent as they both had to represent the groom's side.

"Maitri didn't want to go but Gayatri dragged her along to keep her company and also tempted her with the company of Vikram bhaisa...but now I have Vaishali by my side so I am happy" said Vasundhara smiling brightly at Vaishali.

"You should marry Udai bhaisa ... Then we won't have to part ways again " she said out of the blue making Vaishali blush, making me wondered what all I had missed while I had been sulking around.

Vaishali tried to diffuse the situation by shifting her focus on Maitri and Vikram's relation. That got her efficiently diverted into planning out all the things she would do at their wedding.

"I am so happy that tomorrow ... you will be my actual sister and we can be always together. Should I call you bhabisa or Lekha jeeji or just Lekha" said Vasundhara hugging me. She had this weird habit of switching from one topic to another on a whim.

Luckily our conversation had to be stopped when other young girls who I had slowly started getting acquainted with poured in, in the pretext of helping me dress up and some just to see me dress up. The room soon got quite crowded.

Lajjo too had come in with her friends, proudly introducing me to them. In all, the room had become one noisy place with loads of different conversations flowing at one time. It was, in fact, good for my nerves as everyone tried to talk to me and I was busy giving 'careful' replies.

Amidst all this laughter and chatter maasa came in and everyone felt silent. It was as if the teacher had entered a noisy class. They all parted like the Red Sea for maasa as she came towards me. I got a feeling that even though I had a comfortable relation with maasa others felt slightly intimidated by her persona.

"Lekha will get ready in my room," said maasa, which sounded like a declaration for all busybodies to remove themselves. Everyone immediately scuttled out.

Maasa then escorted me to her room where a beautiful red dress had been laid out on her bed. She left me alone to get dressed in it assuring me that further assistance would soon be made available.

The intricate gold metal thread work on the dress looked both exquisite and expensive. It was worthy of a princess. And I felt like a princess as I looked in the full-length mirror in maasa's room. It was a luxury afforded by only the few who belonged to the rich section of the society. Maasa came in a few minutes later followed by Vaishali and Vasundhara. They started decking me up in the jewellery taisa had given. Maasa knowing that I had not much knowledge about the symbolism of the jewellery I was wearing, started explaining. Both Vaishali and Vasundhara too heard all with interest.



Jewellery

The odhni (veil) had been draped over my head so that it covered my face like a veil. I could easily see others through a red haze created by the sheer fabric but others couldn't see me that clearly. Overall of this heavy ensemble, another lightweight cotton shawl was draped across my shoulders. On closer look, I believed it was woven using real gold threads as weft while the warp was made of yellow cotton threads. The border consisted of the beautiful intricate woven design of paisleys.

I thanked the weather God for keeping the weather cool enough that I didn't sweat underneath all this heavy clothing. The princess syndrome was quickly replaced by the pity I felt for all the ladies who had to go around like this in the hot Rajasthan weather.

It was soon show-time. My heart thundered with nervousness as maasa inspected me for the last time before giving her smiling approval.

"You look like royalty Lekha. I am so proud of you." She said placing a gentle hand over my head.

"I will be heading out now. You girls stay here till I send someone to call you downstairs"

This was the worst wait ever as I waited for my fate to be decided. The only comfort I had was that maasa would help me with any eventuality. After the showdown before I parted, I had to relay the message to Maasa. I had the opportunity to relay the message to her when I had met her alone but then it would have meant destabilizing Rudra's plan.

Below I have shared the symbolism of the jewellery being worn by a Rajasthani bride for those interested as I didn't want to make the plot lengthy

The 'rakhri', a circular piece of adornment worn on the forehead in the parting of the hair signifies that the bride must 'walk on the straight-line' while the danglers on her ears advise her not to listen to gossip. The 'timaniyaan', which is a choker encrusted with uncut diamonds, tells her that she should always bow her head in humility and the 'chudda' that is a set of ivory and gold bangles, reminds her to give to charity. She also adorns gold and stone-studded armlets called the 'bajuband', gold anklets, gold toe-rings called 'bichhiya', and a 'nath' or stone-studded nose ring. The anklets tell her to put the 'right foot forward' while the nose ring reminds her not to spend more than her husband can afford.