Kate





"Where are we going?" I asked again, to which he neglected to answer again.

"Talk." He urged and all of the rants and raving speeches I had prepared failed me in the small vicinity of this car. "Katherine?" He glanced in my direction.

I let out a sigh and looked out the window. "Just, try to consider it. Charlie should have one of our last names."

"Have you considered giving her mine?"

"No." I admitted. "Not ever." The thought hadn't crossed my mind since pregnancy in which the answer was hell fὑcking no. It was too dangerous, we wanted her as far removed from the mafia as possible, she wasn't a Genovese, she wasn't like the rest of them.

"Perhaps you should. There is no danger Katherine. It's not even an uncommon name. Besides, everyone who could know she exists, does know. She is safe."

"But she's not." I argued. "You have some honor, but that doesn't mean your enemies do! I've been used against you, in the past Aria has been used against you, your own father tortured your brother. There is no honor in the game. If you are still relevant then we are still in danger Alessio."

It was a topic that flooded my mind often. Occasionally, especially after Nigel had been living with us for some time, I would lull into a false sense of security. My guard would drop and I would start to get cozy with thoughts of a normal every day life and then suddenly a stray branch knocking on our window at night, or an intense news story, unmarked mail, little things would set me back off. We couldn't afford to be comfortable and naïve, we would always be at risk.

I had screamed, and yelled, and cried until I was blue in the face about this early into the pregnancy, but what could we do. My options were to have Charlie, or not. Alessio refused an adoption plan, he refused to step back from our lives, I knew if I did run I would never get far, not if I was holding something so precious to him as his daughter. My options were to have Charlie, knowing this is who Alessio was, knowing the risks, or abort her all together. I had chosen life and I would never in a million years wish I had chosen differently, but I had chosen knowing what Alessio was and what that would mean for our life. I had given up the fight under the promise that despite his involvement, little as he claimed it may be, Charlie wouldn't be exposed to it.

She wasn't supposed to talk about rats, and popping people, cement shoes or fishes. She was supposed to celebrate her fourth birthday as an innocent little girl with the world at her finger tips. I knew someday, someday this would be an issue we would have to broach again. But now? When she wasn't even yet four years old?

"Charlotte will never be in danger so long as I am alive."

"And what about when you're not?" I asked and turned back to him. "You won't quit, I've told you to, asked you to, begged you to, obviously you are never going to be out. I know that, and I won't ask you to be anything other than who you are again Alessio, but what about when you're gone? It's dangerous."

"I am as removed as I can be Katherine."

"You're still running the show."

"I assist when necessary."

"Silent partner." I muttered. "You know, regardless of that it is still dangerous. You've been shot, shot at, held captive, Pietro lost a freaking hand, and that's only in the time I've known you! What happens when you die? What about her safety then?"

"Should Charlie never assert herself into the family, when my death comes, her connection ends. She will be safe Katherine. Charlie will always be safe." There was nothing more important to him in the world but yet-

"You'd promised me safety before too."

His grip on the steering wheel flexed, for only a moment his knuckles flashed white before relaxing. I wonder what he was thinking. Was he revisiting images of me going under water and not coming back up again? Did he have nightmares about pulling my body from the water and the terrifying moments when my breathing was nonexistence and the minutes that passed before consciousness regained?

I wondered if he had moments when he remembered seeing me tied up as he sat uselessly bound to a chair unable to protect me when I was pushed to the ground and a gun planted to my head, did his stomach lurch at the memory? At the very thought?

I still had nightmares. When I remembered Alessio being shot, despite the years that had passed since, despite our tension, disagreements, and platonic relationship now, every time I remembered it it was as though I'd been punched in the gut again.

At one point I had been the most important thing in the world to Alessio and there had been so many times I had been hurt, taken, nearly murdered, is that what safety he was promising to Charlie as well?

"And you think making her Charlotte Potts will change things?"

"Yes, it will distance her from this life you've chosen more."

"You're being naïve. Your cousin, she'd been missing for years and I was able to find her. Do you know how many people enter the witness protection program? How many people change their names, their hair, they whole lives, move far, far away, and are still found and killed? If someone wants to find someone hard enough something silly like a last name will not be what deters them."

"You're not making me feel better."

"I'm just being realistic Katherine. Her last name is not a source of protection. Be honest, you want it for a different reason."

"Like?"

"You want distance from me. You feel as though in marrying Nigel that will close the door on us. and you worry if the door is open, even the slightest, that you'll walk back through it."

"Alessio. That door has been closed for a long time ago. You and I are, well we aren't friends we're just-"

"It should be us. And you know that."

"Katherine." He said softly running the hand up from my neck and up to my cheek. "I love you. Those are not words I use in excess. You realize that don't you? I love my lasagna with extra sauce, I love my dogs large, I love the view from on top of the bridge early in the morning, the feeling you get in moments of complete silence after a show down. I love my suits ironed, tailored, one of a kind. I love many things, but people? That, my darling, is a rarity."

"But you love me." I whispered.

"You are my rarity..." He glanced down to my lips and them back to my eyes. "My single rose in a field of daisies."

"I love you Alessio." I whispered and he opened the door behind me and we fell back into the room immediately tangled up in one another, tripping over our feet and stumbling through the dark trying to make our way to the bed.

I turned away from Alessio and away from the memory. "I am engaged." I reminded the window. "Nigel and I are going to get married."

"So were you and I. Engagements can be broken."

"Nigel hasn't given me a reason to break it. He is everything we need." I was suddenly feeling so exhausted. Nigel was what we needed. He was.

"And nothing you want."

I did love Nigel. I did. He was a caring man and kind to Charlie and I and the thought of losing him, or hurting him, how it would hurt Charlie. "I can't. Please Alessio."

"Just tell me, just once, what do you want."

"I don't have the luxury of only thinking about myself and what I want. Normal people don't."

"I didn't ask what luxuries you have Katherine. I asked what you want."

"Charlie loves Nigel. Don't you dare try to deny it either, he is like a father to her, a good one too."

"I also didn't ask who Charlie loved. Though if we're on that topic."

"Don't."

"I promised you some time ago Katherine."

"Alessio..." I warned.

"Ten minutes, two years, four years, thirty years, my mind is made up. It is supposed to be us. It was always supposed to be us. I love you, and I won't shy away from it because it makes you feel a certain way, I won't lie to you to make you avoid making the hard choices in life, I will do as I always have. I will love you. And I will wait, just as I am still waiting now for you to tell me. What do you want?"

"Hard choices? I made my choice Alessio, I-"

"Just say it. Tell me what you want."

This car was too small, there was no getting away from him, there was no getting away from this. Not ever. How had he purchased such a small car? Was the roof shrinking? Had the dash always been so close to me, was there still a back seat behind us or was it all just closing in on me. "I want you to let Charlie take Nigel's last name."

He stopped the car and got out. I didn't move, suddenly the car was huge, the quiet everlasting, so quiet my own erratic breathing sounding loud as though it were screams instead. He opened my door. I stared at him, unmoving, looking past him I saw water. A bridge.

The sun of a bitch was going to throw me off a bridge! He wasn't going to let Nigel have Charlie and I was the one trying to force him to. He waited for me to get out but I didn't, after long, many long moment he took my arm and I yelped.

"Get out of the car Katherine."

"No!" I opened the glove box to see if there was a gun. It was Alessio's car after all, there was of course one.

"What are you doing?" He wasn't alarmed or perplexed. He was perfectly calm still waiting my exit.

"I'm going to shoot you!"

"And I'm the dangerous one." He chuckled.

"You're trying to throw me off a bridge!"

His lip twitched and then pursed slightly, he was fighting to keep a smirk away.

"This is so not funny."

"I didn't say it was."

"Your face said it all!"

"My face said absolutely nothing Katherine."

I poked him in the chest with a gun, fear somewhat subsided to let annoyance take over. "Back up or I'll shoot."

"Sweetheart, I would love to see you try."

"You taught me, I don't miss."

"Neither do I." He said and with an easy and swift motion he had my wrist, the gun fired twice involuntarily to the sky and then fell to the ground. "Get out." He said again this time not hiding his smirk.

I grunted and he leaned into the car to unbuckle me, still holding my wrist with one hand his clean shirt brushed against the dried sauce on my own shirt as our bodies were far, far too close to each other at this moment.

"Come on." He said pulling me out of the car. I struggled against him, not willing to go down without a fight I kept away from the edge of the bridge and remained with me butt against the car trying to keep him from getting away with me. "Come on, admit it-" He said taking my other wrist, they danced around in the air as I tried to pull away or find the strength to over power and punch him. He moved his knee just at the perfect timing to prevent me from kneeing him in the groin and instead pinned my knee between his legs. "-this is fun." He finished his sentence and I wished I could strangle him.

"I'm not going to throw you off the bridge Katherine." He assured me and rather then allow me to simply stand before the car he let go of my knee and took two steps forward to press me against it. "Come with me." He whispered.

I was shaking and panting, and it wasn't out of fear. I looked out towards the ledge. Below it I was familiar with the water, black reflecting the night sky, waves sloshed lazily against the pillars.

He lowered my wrists slowly and let them go altogether next. He put his hands on my hips and I looked back to him, back to his eyes searching for a life boat away from this. I put my hands on his chest as though they would obey my mind and push him away. "Please Alessio-"

"Just tell me what you want. Not what you think you need, not what you think everyone else wants to see happen or will agree with, but what you want."

"I don't want to uproot Charlie." Truth, no trace of lie.

"That's not what I asked."

"I don't want to hurt Nigel." Also completely factual.

"Also, not what I asked."

"Alessio, three years, I can't just leave him just like that, we're engaged!"

"You left me." He reminded me, my eyes lowered from his and to my engagement ring. I'll bet Alessio would take a pretty big leap backwards if I were to hurl on him.

"That's...Nigel doesn't deserve it."

"Still not what I asked. Tell me you want to be with him Katherine."

I looked up. That's it? That's all he needed in order to let this go? To hear me say I wanted Nigel.

"Tell me you want to be with him because you love him, because he makes you feel in ways a woman like you deserves to feel. Don't say you need him, or Charlie needs him. Don't marry this guy because you think it's the right thing to do. Just tell me, what do you want?"

"What? Like it's that simple?" The idea that it was so simple was enough to enrage me.

"It is."

"It's not! There's so much to consider! Everything you and I have, were, want isn't enough, it isn't worth it, Charlie needs-"

"Do you know why I brought you here Katherine?" He asked and I blinked rapidly pretending as though the cool night air was making my eyes water and nothing else. "The night you tried to climb the bridge yourself, do you remember what you said?" I shook my head slowly. That was worlds ago. "That you needed to feel it again. That when you were up there everything made sense, and all of your problems seemed small and it all just came together. We came together."

I swallowed and he took some steps backwards.

"You want more than Nigel Katherine. I'm sure of it. You need to feel. Excitement, and passion, and lust and a love that burns, not some lukewarm fizzle out. Nigel isn't what you want, you'll live a quiet little suburban life with him, peaceful maybe, quaint even? But I know you Katherine. I know your mind, body, and soul, how did you feel when you touched that gun?"

"I thought you were going to drown me."

"You were exhilarated. You knew it would be there, you wanted to feel it."

"I wanted to not drown."

"Do you think you could be happy with Nigel? Content in the life you're aspiring for? Content maybe, but happy? Thriving? Alive? You think you need him, but really you need so, so much more. You think this Nigel could somehow anchor you down, turn you into something soft and gentle, but we know better."

"You don't know me, not anymore."

He shrugged and took steps backwards. "Maybe not. I'm just asking what you want." He climbed onto the ledge. "If you want Nigel, then tell me Katherine, or leave me, the keys are in the car, I'll call someone when I'm ready." He reached for the side and caught the ladder with one hand. "I'll let you change her name. If this is what you really want. What you think will make you happy. But if it's not-" He looked up the ladder thoughtfully before pulling himself onto it. "Come with me."

Come with me. He'd said those exact words before the first time we stood here, me just a young girl with eyes full of fear and excitement and I'd asked- "What if we fall?" After another moment I added on. "We would leave Charlie an orphan."

"Don't." He replied, just as he had before and started up.

I turned back around to face the car, keys still in the ignition, looked down and picked up the gun. I brushed my fingers along the cool metal, how long had it been since one had been pointed at my head? How could anyone want that? But he was right, with instinct and adrenaline I'd gotten into the glove box, the gun had fit my hand nicely, it had felt good, I hadn't realized it at the time but my hand didn't shake when I aimed it at him, I didn't waver or stammer, it was my niche.

And Nigel? Nigel was something that could be home if I would just get in the car, go pick up Charlie, take her with me, go back to him. I opened the car door and returned the gun to the glove box slowly. We could be a normal family, from Monday to Friday and holidays when Alessio wasn't around at least. Maybe it wouldn't be enough for me, but if it was enough for Charlie, I could get by.

"Don't fall." I muttered. Like it was so simple. He was a bastard. Arrogant bastard. As though all of our problems would just vanish and we could just pick up as though nothing had ever been wrong! Like we could do more for Charlie together, like we could have everything if I just didn't fall.

I climbed onto the ledge and gripped the ladder, without another beat of hesitation, I started to climb.