28

"Do you want to go home?" Emily soothed my arm as she looked to me with a huge amount of pity. "He will come round, Xavier will make sure of it."

I shook my head. No, I didn't want to go home. I wanted to stay, I needed to speak to him. I couldn't speak to him drunk so I would have to wait until he was sober enough to talk.

Emily sighed but she didn't push me further. She took hold of my hand gently and moved me away from the now silent room and dragged me to the living room. I let her.

As soon as she had me sat down on the sofa, she went to the kitchen to flick to kettle on.

"It's not always the easiest thing, Cathy, and I know exactly how you're feeling and what you're thinking." She said from the kitchen. I looked to the wall across me but I didn't have the energy to answer her. I knew she knew but I wished she could help these feelings.

Anger started to seep through my bones as I thought back to what had happened only a few minutes before. I was in shock, Nick had never treated me like that and he had absolutely no right to!

Okay, this was good. I wanted to feel angry at him, I wanted to be pissed off. He treated himself as the victim but this was all his fault, he was the one who left me so he gave him the right to treat me the way he did?

I stood up from the sofa with force which caught Emily's attention almost immediately. She looked to me from her stance at the counter.

"Cathy-"

"I'm pissed off." I snapped out. I hadn't meant to snap at her but the emotions running through my body were just too over whelming.

All I wanted was a relationship with Nick. Instead, he was the one playing games with my head. He said he loved me but then he left me. I wanted to talk this out with him but all he wanted to do was treat me as if everything was my fault.

Did I deserve this? Absolutely not. I wanted him to be there for me after a stressful two weeks, instead, he was doing the opposite.

When did he become so selfish?

My thoughts were only adding fuel to the fire but I was glad. I wanted to be angry, I wanted to be red hot bloody angry at him before my tears washed me away.

"I've had enough." I stated as I looked to her. "I have honestly had it up to here." I used my hand for good indication and all she could do was look at me. "I've tried everything with that man, Em, everything. He's not helping and he obviously doesn't want this. I don't want to keep running to him when all he's doing is running away. This isn't fair, this isn't fair on me."

"Maybe you should just-"

"No, Em, you're not getting it." I walked towards her in the kitchen. "I've spent my whole life trying to get it together. The one time I'm finally happy, everything has to ruin it and I'm back to where I was before. I'm too weak and way too naive to keep thinking this is a good thing. He doesn't want me and I'm not going to keep begging him to." I shrugged. "I'm over this, I'm over everything."

"What are you going to do?" The sadness in her eyes was evident. She had started to become like family to me, her, Nick and Xavier.

"I don't know yet." I stated. Maybe earn some money to leave the village. Maybe my father and I could go travelling together. We both needed a brain refresh.

"You've been hurt before haven't you?" Emily asked as her head cocked to the side. "Somebody hurt you."

"Maybe not in the way you're thinking." I quietly replied. Her eyes were just too knowing.

"I know it by the way you speak, the way you move. Xavier used to be exactly the same." She touched my arm gently. "I know when a person is hurting."

"I'm hurting." I nodded. "And not just because of Nick."

"You don't have to tell me anything but from experience, time heals everything. Xavier and Nick are both troubled men, they've both been through so much and you did all you could for him." She sighed. "He just doesn't help himself."

"Will you wish him the best for me?" I asked Emily. I had to keep the tears at bay even though I knew this had to be the end.

"Of course I will." As soon as a year escaped down her cheek, mine did too. "I don't even know why I'm crying." She chuckled a little and I did the same. "I guess all I wanted was for you both to feel the love I feel. Everyone deserves it."

"Maybe one day, hey." I smiled her way even though it was a little forced. I didn't want to fall in love with some one else, if I ever could. I wanted Nick and I wanted my love to be shared with him.

Emily and I shared a tight hug.

"Please keep in touch." Emily stated. "Or I'll have to come to your house."

"I will." I said.

Before we let go, a cough resonated throughout the kitchen. Xavier stood behind me, leaning against the counter and looking at the two of us.

"Angel, let go of her, Nick wants to talk."

"With who?" Emily asked.

"Who do you think?" Xavier shook his head before making his way over to Emily. He slid an arm around her.

"Tell him I don't want to speak to him." I said to Xavier. Xavier's eyes flickered from mine to behind me. I knew Nick was behind me now and my heart was beating a mile a minute. I didn't want to speak to him anymore, he made his feelings clear and now it was my time to be strong and to move on with my life. I wasn't going to end up the way I did before. Not this time.

"Cath-"

"We're done." I said to Xavier. "There's no point stretching this out any longer."

Nick moved forward until he was closer to my back. As he did so, Xavier dragged Emily out of the room and she left with a small sheepish smile.

I stayed with my back turned to Nick.

"So, we're done?" He repeated my words with deflation. I whipped around as anger started to bubble to the surface again.

"What do you mean we're done?" I snapped. Nick's eyes were red as if he had been crying. He looked just as broken as I felt. "You've made it pretty obvious what you want, Nick, don't play the God damn victim all the time!" My voice got louder. He tried to move forward but I made a huge step back.

"I'm a mess."

"I'm past caring." I sighed. "You've brought this all upon yourself." I looked to him with a sneer. "All I ever wanted to do was love you and be loved by you. If you don't want me, leave me alone so I can move on, these head games you're playing are fucking with my head." I laid a finger to my temple.

"I never meant to hurt you, I never wanted this." He said. "I don't even know what I'm doing." He laid two hands to his head.

"Well, I know what I'm doing." I said. "I'm giving up, I'm giving up because I've had enough of being desperate for you." I shook my head. "All men have been my whole life is upset and heartbreak and this time I'm not letting it make me feel like there's a ton of sand bags on my back. I want to be free from this feeling, I want to be happy."

"I want you to be happy." Nick pushed. "I want you to be fucking happy, Cathy. God, it's killing me seeing you like this."

"It's killing me, too." I said truthfully. All of this was killing me.

"No woman had ever made me feel the way you did, the way you do. All I had to do was feel your skin against mine and it felt as if my heart started beating again. I'm being a soppy bastard and I know it but you don't even know how much I need you, how I can't stand life without you."

"I do understand because I felt exactly the same way." I said. "But I'm so confused as to what you're trying to do here. Is my past too much for you to handle? Can't you stand touching me in places I had been touched before?"

"That's not fucking it!" Nick roared. "I don't care where he's touched you because I'd do anything in my power to fucking wash it away. I'm so obsessed with you, so possessed by you I want your whole body to be drowning in me and just me alone."

"Then what are you trying to do?" His words were everything I wanted to hear but I was just too confused to make them mean something. Was he telling the truth now? Why did he want to leave if he felt like this? Was it something I did?

"Cathy, I wanted him dead from the moment you told me what had happened. I wanted him to burn in hell and for you to feel safe in my arms."

"What are you trying to say?" I asked, my voice now cracking. My heart was beating against my chest.

"You gave me life, Angel, and I took one away."

"Nick." I felt sick. Nick, he murdered John for me? Fuck. How hadn't I put two and two together? Why hadn't I thought about this?

My previous Nick, he shouldn't have ruined his life for me.

"You killed him?" My voice was barely a whisper.

"I wish." He chuckled darkly. I had never seen him look so deadly and in that minute I knew he'd do anything to keep me safe.

After all this time, he didn't want me gone, he wanted me safe.

"Then what?" I was shaking.

"His blood is cold but they're not on my hands."

"Then who's hands are they on?" My brows furrowed with fear. What had he done?

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course it-"

"Cathy, stop it." He came forward. "Do you feel safe now?"

"I don't know." I shrugged. "I felt safe knowing he was dead but I-I-"

"You're scared of me?" He breathed. It seemed as if he had been punched in the stomach.

"It's a big deal, Nick." I breathed back. "You got him killed, I wanted him dead but I just can't seem to wrap my head around everything. What's going to happen to you? What if the police know this is all your fault?"

God, I was going to be sick, I could feel it.

Suddenly, as if a light bulb had popped up above my head, a thought came to me.

"That's why you were running away to Italy wasn't it? You wanted to run from the police?"

"They're not going to find out, Cathy, believe me. I was just trying to make sure."

"God, Nick, you've put yourself in to so much danger." I looked to him with fearful eyes. "All it takes is one knock at the door and you're going to be ripped away from me. I would rather him alive than this, I would rather live in fear of him but know you're here than be without you."

"Your love for me is the only thing that could ever keep me going in this world. You power me, I'm a better man when you're here. I wasn't going to let him make you feel the way you did, I wasn't going to stand for him touching you before I ever had the chance to stop it."

"But you killed him!" I shot out.

"And I don't regret it, not one tiny little bit." He snapped. "He raped you, he took your childhood away from you and he ripped it with his two bare hands. He was sort of lucky in a way, at least he had a life before that. But you? You're here scarred from your past because of him, scared to move forward and scared to look back."

"Nick-"

"I tried to leave you because it was easier for the police to banish me as a suspect if I wasn't with you anymore." He moved forward but I still moved back. "I just wish someone would have explained to me how losing you was going to make me feel, like someone shot a whole in me and left me out for the wolves to eat."

I knew how he felt.

"They're treating it as suicide." I willed my heart to calm down. "Do you think they will leave it as that?"

"I'm hoping so."

"I didn't think you wanted me anymore." I stated.

"I want you more than you could ever imagine." He whispered. "I'm not a bad man, Cathy, I didn't do this because I have a desire to kill. I did this because the woman who saved me needed saving herself."

"I know." I sighed. It was a lot to wrap my head around but my heart felt fulfilled in a way. Nobody had ever cared for me enough to do such a thing to save me, to make me feel safe.

And I did feel safe. For the first time in my life, I didn't have to keep watching the space behind me. He wasn't here to hurt me, he wasn't here to abuse me.

"I love you, Angel." His voice rang out and I immediately relaxed at the words. It was a relief to hear them.

I thought he was leaving me for good.

But all along, he was only saving me when I thought he was killing me.