I felt like I had been punched in the gut, and it left me reeling. It was as though someone was pulling the right to my mental anguish away from me, invalidating every ounce of hatred and upset I'd nurtured over the last few months. But it wasn't gone entirely. It was still there, blurry and confused- this new, sickly feeling somehow far more intense and suffocating.

"I'm sorry- I-" the apology slipped from my lips in politeness, the registration that Jase was no longer the enemy, and never had been, seeping into my conscious. "I need a... a minute," I stammered, unable to meet his gaze. Jase looked as though ten tons had been lifted from his shoulders, the hardness behind his body language dissolved. But his face said a different story; cautiously unburdened, he seemed to be quietly regretting the admission.

"I'm sorry-" Jase started, leaning back against the marble island heavily. "I wanted you to be free from all that. But I can't... you hate me so much, and it's justified, and I can't change it... but I at least needed you to know why. I'm sorry, it's fucking selfish." He leant his chin against his chest in sombre reflection.

Selfish. Part of me wanted to laugh. Selfish... he had just proven that in fact everything he had done was entirely selfless, but I couldn't bring myself to disagree with him. I didn't know what to say or what to do, the fact being that his revelation couldn't erase the deep wounds I still struggled to heal. It just... obscured everything, and I couldn't fight my way through the murky tangle of thoughts.

"I don't... I don't know what to say," I murmured numbly, glancing at him for the first time. His green eyes locked on to mine, and he paced across the room towards me with an intensity in his gaze I hadn't seen before.

"I'm not a monster," he said softly, barely two feet away, pleading with his eyes for me to believe his words.

"Why do I still feel so-" I began to whisper, the shimmer of a tear slipping down my cheek slowly.

"Shh, I know," he stepped closer. Noticing I didn't balk at his proximity he enveloped me gently in his arms, pulling me in against his muscular frame. I didn't refuse. It wasn't unwanted. When had someone last held you? I felt the warmth from his body transferring to mine, the drum of the heartbeat in his chest a steadier rhythm than my own racing pulse. Did he understand?

"It doesn't change anything I did," he murmured above me. I could feel his chin moving against my head as he spoke, the rumble in his chest reverberating against my ear. I sniffed, more solemn tears snaking down my face. He had made it easier all this time. Wasn't it far more convenient to just hate him, to hold him responsible for the majority of my suffering? This pain, this mental anguish, was so much harder to make sense of. Jase was still a figure of my nightmares, but now there was guilt, anxiety, and the horrible feeling that none of it was justified. I felt grief. Real, unbridled grief. The way I'd made sense of the entire situation had been taken away from me, and now I was lost. But you're not. He's here, holding you.

*

Jase had offered me a spare room, lingering awkwardly in the doorway as I sat on the bed and contemplated saying something. I couldn't form a sentence, unsure what I wanted to say if anything. I just had to let it all digest, it was too much to process.

"Get some rest," he muttered and walked away with heavy steps.

I tried to sleep. I removed my clothes and put on a t-shirt Jase had laid on the dresser, huddled up under the covers and pressed my eyes to a close. There was nothing waiting for me behind them other than the inky blackness of racing thoughts. I wanted to scream. I'd been blind to it all this whole time, refusing to believe Ant when he promised Jase was trustworthy. I'd nurtured the festering hate for him until it consumed me, ridding me of my senses. He'd been my hero throughout, the sacrifice he made was beginning to dawn on me. I was shocked that he had protected me that vigilantly, but it must have come at a huge price to him. That day I had screamed at him to leave me alone lingered in my mind, the following morning he'd emerged in the same clothes, dark circles of a sleepless night framing his eyes- deep and stormy with shame and guilt.

I sat upright in the bed, unable to lay there with the flickering memories of what had passed. I crept out, stepping lightly across varnished hardwood as I paced softly down the stairs. A dim blue glow illuminated the main living area, the light changing as images changed on the TV screen.

"Jase?" I announced myself tentatively. The TV stalled into a precipitous silence as I tiptoed around the corner. He rubbed his eyes wearily from his reclined position on the couch, looking up at me in alarm.

"Everything okay?" He asked, forcing himself to alertness in a hasty stand, scratching his bare chest absently.

"I can't sleep," I began, the very last of the reasons that had coaxed me out of bed. I walked closer to the sofa until I was opposite him, the little space between us no longer bothering me as it had. He looked down at me, the thin snake of silver around his neck shimmying in the glow of the paused screen.

"It's a lot, I know," he nodded in a low voice.

"Jase?" I hesitantly commanded his attention, scared of what I was about to say but knowing that I absolutely needed to say it.

"What's wrong?" He frowned, noticing the glimmer across my eyes as tears of every emotion clouded them.

"I forgive you."

His exhausted gaze settled on me with the crushing weight of everything that had passed between us. I had released him, and freed myself at the same time. As the poignancy of the subtle words escaped my lips it was as though a missing jigsaw piece was slotted into place, a calm acceptance soothing inside me. It was like I had permission to be myself again. The reckless consuming hate that swarmed my mind so often was cast aside with resolute understanding. All that was left was the pieces of myself that I'd been putting back together all along.

"I don't-" he began, his body rigidly still. I silenced him with the gentle touch of my fingers against his, holding his large hand with a slight squeeze of reassurance. He locked his fingers into mine and pulled me in towards his chest with a guiding hand on the back of my head, softly stroking locks of hair in the same rhythm his heart drummed to. I pressed my free hand to his abdomen, his skin warm and prickling with goose-pimples at the sense of my touch. We stayed this way for a long time; no words passing between us; no sound at all through the dark house- not even the drip of a tap or the occasional hum of traffic. It was silent except for Jase's heartbeat against my ear and the racing of my own inside my chest.

The intimacy was oddly unsettling and yet so natural. I could feel myself begin to analyse it, try to calculate what feelings ran through me and why they might be there. The interruption was unwanted so I pushed the thoughts away, imploring myself to just be.

"You okay?" The deep rumble vibrated from his chest against my cheek as he spoke low and tentatively. I pulled back from him, proving it in the clarity of my features; open and honest. I nodded as my gaze fixed to his, the intensity of Jase's face as he looked at me stirring something. Before I knew what I was doing or allowed myself a moment to consider it, I pulled him forward with our interlocked fingers, arching my feet until I reached high enough to lean in to him. At that moment, faces closer than ever before and the sound of my racing pulse hammering in my ears, I hesitated. Only for a fraction of a second as I felt his eyes on mine and I looked up, captivated in the pools of deep green that swirled with the ferocity of his thoughts.

And then I kissed him.

It was light, a ginger brush of my lips against his. He was so still, scared maybe by what it meant, why I did it or whether it was right. He didn't return it. My heart pelted more as I relinquished my weight to my feet flat against the floor, pulling my fingers from his and breaking the contact between us. Foolish. What a foolish thing to do.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I..." I trailed off and looked at the floor in embarrassment, my head whirling now with the realisation of what I'd done. Jase stayed so still, unsure what to do or to say. It had been unwanted, then. It shouldn't have been wanted from my end either, but somehow it was how my body responded to him. I turned away and took a step back across the room to the hall, until a grip seized my arm.

"Are you sorry?" Jase asked. If his eyes had been fierce before they were wild with deep fervour now. Was I sorry for kissing him? Yes... it was stupid, it was messed up, it was borderline inappropriate... No. You're not sorry.

"Yes, and no," I answered meekly, too caught up in the confusion of the emotions to make sense of them.

"Which is it?" Jase pressed, his muscles tensing with impatience.

"Both... I-"

"Yes, or no?" He insisted, heightened urgency in his tone.

"Why do I have to choose, it's-"

"Because if you say yes, then we'll go on as though nothing ever happened..."

"And if I say no?" I looked up at him with fear in my eyes. Jase didn't answer, staring me down with a calm ardour I couldn't match in the midst of my fumbling thoughts. You know what to say.

"No," I announced clearly, a tiny tremor in my voice shimmying the word out into the space between our bodies.

I noticed the change behind his eyes, the point of clarity and dilation of his pupils as he paced the short stride towards me. The grip around my forearm released as his hand slid up my arm to the back of my neck, pulling me to him with encouragement I didn't need. His eyes bore into mine as the gap closed between our drumming chests, and I swore for a moment my heart stopped.