Doe's POV:

His hand never left me as we made our way back to his room.

Both of our steps were quicker than usual, but I knew that was for different reasons.

I couldn't begin to fathom the details of Xander's because I was too focused on mine.

Far too busy dealing with the knowledge that I was finally coming undone.

My attempts at blinking back these tears were becoming futile fast, appearing faster than I could try to blink them away.

I was shattering and I couldn't react fast enough as I've done in the past to gather the pieces and repair them quick enough.

I forcefully closed my throat, choking on any sob that tried to make its way up.

Not yet... Come on just hold out a little longer.

It felt like his touch on my back was making it worse, yet at the same time, some deranged part of me didn't want it to leave.

Like the soft contact gave me some sort of hope that he wasn't completely angry at me.

I just hoped that I could get away before he says anything.

Even still, seeing me shatter wasn't something I wanted him to witness.

A cursed sniffle managed to pass through my crumbling defenses as he set he unlocked the door.

The bottom of my vision was completely blurred as he pushed it open and lead me inside first.

I was scared to even blink now because I knew that it would only cause the tears to fall. At this point, anything would.

His touch finally left me as I quickened my steps away, aiming for the bathroom.

But my body froze the second I heard the door close behind me, my left hand shooting up to cover the sob that managed to slip through now that it was just the two of us.

I couldn't hold it anymore.

I couldn't hold anything anymore.

My exhaustion, my lack of food, my anger, my sorrow... everything was at its limit and it was too much for me to bear.

I couldn't even move without risking the tipping point, and my legs trembled with the effort it took just to stand.

Even my fingernails dug into the skin of my cheek.

What was I supposed to do!?

The quiet sound of shuffling fabric told me he'd removed the jacket.

"Doe."

His voice didn't carry the harshness from just a minute before.

No, there was a plead in of itself in the single, quiet word. Begging for something other than what he was assuming my plan was.

He wasn't dumb, and as much as I hated it, he'd become familiar with my thought process.

And as much as I wanted to ignore it, to go ahead with what I had intended to do, I was stuck.

I was running out of options, and the realization that I was going to have to deal with this here and now was settling in.

The smallest motion right now was going to set everything off. The fuze was practically at its end.

And with nothing but the sound of a single footstep of him approaching, it exploded.

With the last remaining energy I could muster, I turned, hands shooting up to shield his vision before the first tears leaked down my cheeks.

He stiffened in surprise but made no move to remove my hands away from his eyes.

The ugly sobs broke through with everything else, the panic of the release showing through my sporadic, wheezing breaths.

My sore arm was screaming at me, trembling more so than the rest of me, but still, I held it up.

I had to.

Even as every internal defense I had built through the years broke away, I didn't want him to see it.

To watch as I crumbled into dust.

That at least I could control right now, and I barely had it in my to be relieved that he was letting me.

I had nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide so that I could just deal with all of this myself.

My options were fleeting by the second, forcing me to just make this work with the only one I had left.

My head fell pathetically against his chest, eyes squeezing shut to brace for what was tearing out of me.

For the acceptance that I could no longer deal with this the way I wanted.

For the acceptance that I had to deal with this right now.

That scent he had engulfed me with my next sniffle.

The scent that I had learned to use to convince myself that he wasn't her.

Regardless of the mess that occurred, it seemed it still had the same initial effect.

All of my limbs fealt like lead, and even the way I was locking my knees was seconds away from failing.

I could tell that they were about to give out entirely, yet when they did, I wasn't expecting him to come down with me.

For his arms to catch me yet again and pull me to him, slowing it into a controlled descent instead of a complete crumbling fall.

I landed on my knees with his at my sides, his body encapsulating mine entirely.

My hands fell with me, grasping as hard as they could at his shoulders while one of his hands splayed between my shoulder blades.

The other rounded my waist, both feeling like they were the only thing left keeping me upright.

"Don't look," was all I could manage to say between my fretful breaths, burying my face in his chest, and soaking his shirt with my tears.

"I won't," Was his quick, calm reply.

The gentle, comforting tone caused a flurry of distress in me.

He was the only sense of stability I had, and that realization terrified me.

The awareness that the only thing left holding me together were the arms of the man that I wanted so desperately to hate.

All the gestures, the comfort, the worry in his eyes and actions.

I was terrified of trusting them again after what happened.

Of letting myself get comfortable with it all just for it to get taken.

My limits were becoming clear now, and I knew I couldn't survive going through something like that twice.

For him to just pull away from me again.

I winced at the very thought, yet was losing the strength to fight it.

To fight anything.

To let myself to accept it and just let him hold me together so that for once I didn't have to do it alone.

So that I could take a break.

I allowed myself a deep, shaky breath, falling against him entirely.

I couldn't deal with everything right now.

Later. After this is done. After I can get more than just a few words out.

For now, all I could do was just sit here and let it run its course in the only place I had to hide.

His hold on me shifted ever so slightly, accepting the weight I had handed off to him, as I soiled the shirt that was already trashed anyway.

The rise and fall of his chest was anything but even, and the thumping of his heart was still as frantic as when he caught me.

I knew he wanted to say something, though I wasn't sure if it would be good or bad.

To scold me for doing something that he already warned me about.

I felt like I too had some scolding to be done to him, but right now, that feeling was the last thing on my mind.

Instead, he just sat here in silence as everything in me released onto him.

It was relieving yet awful given the fact that this was the first time in my life I've ever felt something like this so strongly.

So badly that it had to tear itself out of me by force.

My knees protested as I used them to lift myself, just enough so that my head was under his jaw.

I let my arms snake under his and come around to hold his shoulders that was, bettering my weak grip.

Just so that it felt, even just a little, like I was aiding in keeping myself up.

That I could still at least do that at my worst.

So I didn't feel completely powerless in this grand show of weakness.

Xanders next exhale trembled.

God only knows how long it stayed like that.

How long I could do nothing but cry from that week's events, and then some.

The minutes it took me before my hypoventilating and wailing had eased enough to where I could properly speak.

"I'm sorry," were my first words, coming out as just faintly more than a breath.

The muscles in his arms tightened.

"Why the hell are you apologizing," He asked, trying to keep his astonishment as calm as his prior words.

I didn't even know, it just felt like something that I needed to get off of my chest.

So that my mind could be a little clearer if this conversation were to progress.

"You're angry," I croaked, another tear dripping onto his shirt," You've never been angry and I-"

My words turned into a hiccup as his arms tightened around me, eyes widening

Not from the action itself, but more because of the fact that that action didn't immediately cause my body to freak out.

Because right now I didn't feel trapped. I just felt...held.

"I'm not angry," he paused, shaking his head, "I'm not angry at you. Not when all of this was my fault to begin with."

That's true...

"I was angry at myself for allowing everything prior to happen, and I got lost in it after almost losing you. I'm sorry that I worried you, and I shouldn't have called you those things in front of Nico- at all."

I just nodded against him, focusing on how he worded it.

'losing you'.

He spoke those two words like it ached.

Like the thought of it alone was enough to affect him.

As if the actual action of it would have broken him entirely.

I wanted to think that I just gaining false hope again.

That he didn't care about me, he just cared about how kept bringing Layla back.

I wanted so badly to get back into that mindset to save myself from letting this happen again, and I think I would've been able to dismiss entirely it if it weren't for the presence of his wings.

The part of him that didn't run on reason, just emotion.

If I could ignore the fact that my accidental slip that would have lead to my death was detrimental enough to him to force out the limbs that were designed for life-threatening emergencies.

My fingers slowly lowered themselves down his back, grazing the remaining shreds of his shirt before the coolness of his skin.

I skimmed the still slightly raised skin near his shoulder blades, his shoulders tightening, and breath catching as soon as I found the tender spot.

I've heard that the skin there is sensitive for a while getting their wings, so I returned my hands to where they were before.

Even through the tears and the breakdown, I was still guarded to trust.

Why?

If he even gave half a shit about me... If losing me caused the most feral part of him to make an appearance then why did he just...

My fingers pressed harder into his shoulder, a new wave of tears filling my eyes as the thought, the memory, and all of the emotions with it rushed back to me for what felt like the millionth time.

I couldn't fathom how even with all of this proof that he cares, even a little bit, how it was so easy for him to toss me aside.

"You pulled away," the words were nothing more than a whimper before my weeping returned.

I felt his chest concave at my words.

"I know, I- I just-" He stopped, bringing in a deep breath to gather his thoughts.

"No amount of explanation will ever make what I did be okay, and that mistake is one of many that I can assure you I will be taking to my grave."

Keeping my sniveling as quiet as I could, I just listened, hoping that he would try to explain it anyway.

I wanted to at least try to understand.

I knew I didn't have the mind of a vampire, and therefore could only truly understand so much, but I wanted to try.

With how badly that action above everything else was the one that sent me into this spiral.

The one that single-handedly formed the crack that ended with me eventually shattering.

Xander drew in a deep breath, holding it for a few seconds, and then released it, repositioning himself and taking me with him.

He leaned backward until his head and shoulders were leaning against the bottom of the door so I was nearly laying on him.

His feet found the floor, legs still bent at my sides, keeping me contained.

This position took the strain off of my shoulder

Luckily, after a moment more of gathering his thoughts, he continued.

"I was a coward, and I let myself get so caught up in enjoying those days with you that I'd honestly forgotten about Layla for a moment there. So when she showed up unannounced I just... I froze. I panicked in a way that I'd never experienced before and the result of that ended up being a battle in my brain that rendered me uselessly immobile."

He... forgot about her?

I didn't think such a thing was possible.

"I... I wanted too much out of a situation I let get out of control in the first place. I wanted to keep you safe, to keep the conversation peaceful, to not anger Layla, and my brain was scrambling to try to figure out a way to pull that off all while keeping her distracted."

I turned my head against his shoulder so I was now facing his neck, turning my body a bit as well.

"There was a part of me that just wanted to act. To lash out and do something drastic, but I fought with it, and in response, everything around me just became... too much," again, he let out a deep, regret ridden sigh, "Everything was frantic, and I was trying so hard to fight with myself instead of work with it because I was worried about how it might reflect onto my family."

The hand on my upper back left for a moment, rubbing his forehead before pulling it down his face.

He returned it once he was done.

"I was stuck trying to figure out a peaceful solution even through peace should've vanished the seconds she told me what she wanted to do to you. Those words were the ones the caused everything to turn into a haze. Everything got amplified to the point where I didn't recognize anything, so when you grabbed me, the shock on top of everything else just..." He drifted off, working his jaw.

"It didn't register to me that it was you, not when your touched had been nothing but a calm warmth, and the moment I saw what happened... that look on your face I," his voice cracked, "I'd realized what I'd done. I realized what I needed to do. What I wanted to do, and yet I still hesitated a second too late."

My eyes rounded at the sound of his sniffle.

"If I had just grabbed you right there and then, I would have gotten to you first. I wouldn't have felt you get torn away from me when she beat me to you."

He tried to grab me after that...?

I guess I missed that, though after what he did, I couldn't really focus on anything.

"And still I caught myself frozen!" He sounded like he was now just scolding himself, "I should have just pushed her off right there and then instead of making you have to save yourself in that moment. I should have grabbed her the second she got her hands on you."

I could only imagine how angry she would have been if he did that, judging by how angry she already was.

"Even if it created discourse between her dad and yours?" my voice was weak, but I wanted to know.

"I can deal with the backlash from my family, I cant deal with losing you." The answer came immediately. He didn't even think about it.

Those words again...

"Doe I- I've never felt anything close to the fear I did seeing you fall from there, and it's seconded only by the dread and regret I've felt since that day, knowing that I messed up, that I betrayed the trust that took so long for you to put in me."

That strange heavy feeling in me finally dissipated through his explanation.

It didn't make complete sense to me, but it gave a background that helped me figure enough out to where it felt a little better.

Not completely, though. And I don't know what it will take until it gets there.

My eyes lifted as he turned his head. Not enough to look at me, but just to feel me there.

"I care about you, Doe. And I know that's the most unbelievable thing to hear after what I let happen to you that night, and I know that none of this makes my action even remotely okay, but know that I will forever regret every second of it."

I felt a strange pressure in my chest, appear and disappear.

I knew the genuineness behind every single word that he had spoken to me.

But even then, I was still hesitant to trust. Explanation or not, that wasn't something that so easily went away.

Even If I wanted to, which I found that I did, the hesitance was there.

The fear of it all still lingered.

"Xander I... I can't just forgive you."

For some reason, the words hurt to say, but I needed him to know where I stood.

I'm sure he was already aware, but since I was already here...

"I know, and forgiveness is the last thing I expect, but that's not going to hinder me from doing everything I can until the day comes where I make it up to you. For everything. For every goddamn thing I let- "He paused, his next words wavering, "that I just stood there and let her do to you."

I don't know why I was so surprised by the undeniable determination even in his weak voice

Everything...?

"I'm aware that I need to do a lot to regain your trust, but I want to promise you this now. I promise you that she is never touching you again. She will never even lay a finger on you."

I wanted to believe him, but that just seemed so unattainable.

Such a quick change from what it used to be.

I was done being able to handle false hopes.

"I can't-"

"I swear on the life of my brother."

Oh shit...

I couldn't come up with another reply after that, and luckily it didn't seem like he was expecting one.

His hand did leave me again, wiping at his eyes.

"And if there's anything, anything at all that you want, or need from me, just say it and it will be yours."

I thought for a moment, one want above all sticking out above the rest.

The one I was practically begging for that day.

"Stop with the lying... please? To Layla, to Nico. Stop digging yourself into these holes, and just tell them what your thinking."

I didn't know what I hoped to come from that, nor do I think I wanted to know.

"Done."

He nodded and his hand returned, this time lightly brushing over my sore shoulder, as if assuring himself that it was back to how it should be.

The conversation concluded there, reverting us back into a comfortable silence.

Eventually, it felt like had finally calmed down. At least to the point where my breathing was somewhat even, and my eyes weren't leaking anymore.

The explanation... helped some, but finally releasing all of that... Letting it out.

It felt... better than I thought it would.

Refreshing in an odd way.

And nowhere near as demeaning as I thought it would be.

I rubbed my eyes against his shoulder for good measure, before pushing myself up with a low exhale.

His arms just fell away as I got out of his reach, sitting up on my knees.

There was a melancholic smile on his face as watched him straighten his posture against the door.

"Is there anything that you think you can stomach?" he asked.

Right...

The thought of food didn't make me feel like I was going to vomit anymore, but the pain from hunger was still offputting.

Something easy on the stomach.

"How about that soup? The tomato basil with the parmesan?"

"And some garlic bread?" He added.

I nodded with a half-smile of my own

"Coming right up."