Doe's POV:

A low sound roused me from my sleep.

Or maybe it was the peculiar vibrating right next to my head, but either way it caused me to open my eyes to the dark room.

Realizing that the sound was coming from the chest I was laying directly next to, I nearly panicked thinking that he was growling at something.

But no... This one sounded different.

It was quieter and much softer, just rumbling continuously through his even breathing.

Through my grogginess, it took me a few seconds to realize where I'd heard this from him before, and from there distinguish what it was.

He was purring.

Something I've never heard from him when he wasn't taking my blood.

I've always wondered what it would be like in a different circumstance.

And now here he was, doing it in his sleep.

I knew he was asleep, he was holding too still not to be.

It was oddly hypnotic, like the low frequency of it was rubbing my brain a certain way that made me just want to relax.

And so I did, easing every muscle that had tightened from when I woke up, and carefully lifting my hands.

I didn't want to deliberately wake him up, not knowing whether or not this would cease if he did.

The pads of all ten of my fingers gingerly set themselves on this chest, feeling the deep vibration under his shirt.

Weird.

What an interesting function for the most feared killer in the world to have.

One that I was beginning to favor more and more as the seconds went by.

Why didn't he do this more often?

I let my eyes shut again to help me listen to the occasional crackle that broke through the rest.

Before I even knew it, I was leaning my forehead towards his chest to feel it that way.

And the second I made contact, it stopped, followed by some subtle movement from the hand he had at the base of my neck.

Dammit.

I dropped the hands that I had on him, staying still as he re-arranged and got comfy again.

Maybe it'll come back once he falls back asleep.

"Why are you awake?" his sleepy voice inquired.

I turned my head up to see the glow of his eyes peering through barely opened eyelids.

"You woke me up," I accused.

Though it was true.

"Huh?"

Alright, maybe I shouldn't be too snarky when he's just woken up.

"Were you having a good dream?" I asked instead.

His silence showed that he found my question very random.

"Vampires don't dream that often, so I don't think so."

I replied with a short hum, looking back to his chest.

"You were purring," I disclosed, figuring that maybe he'll do it again if he knew.

"I was what?" that tired drawl was suddenly gone, his movements ceasing.

Like what I had said was horrifying.

"Purring," I said again, scooting myself an inch closer to where the sound was coming from, "It was nice and kind of relaxing in a weird way. You should do it more often."

"It's uh," there was something close to nervousness in his voice, "it's not really something I can control. Not to get it started at least."

I pushed myself up until we were face to face on the pillow.

The edge in his voice was concerning, so I wanted to see if I could gauge something from seeing the look on his face.

Even if it was mostly his eyes.

"It happens when you guys are happy, right?"

"Kind of. Happy, content, satisfied, or relaxed. There's a wide array of positive emotions it can cover," he explained.

My eyes narrowed.

"So you're not... happy?" I asked with a flat tinge, trying to understand.

I could understand why I never heard him do this while Layla was hovering over him.

It's kind of hard to be satisfied when you're actively destroying the relationships that matter most to you.

But now...?

"Of course I'm happy," I knew he was telling the truth, but his words still lacked total confidence, "There's just a certain... peace of mind that has to be present for it to start up. I guess it just kind of slipped out of me while I was asleep."

Peace of mind?

I was well aware of how he felt about everything that happened with Layla, but he's already confessed to Nico and me. He's already started his journey to becoming better and fixing his mistakes.

There's no doubt in my mind that he's going to see this through, and I'm confident that Nico feels the same.

But I also knew how personally he took things... and that although Layla was dealt with, she wasn't truly gone from either of us quite yet.

"Xander, I swear to god if this has something to do with Layla." my irritation was plainly evident.

The widening of his eyes and the hesitance before he spoke gave me my answer before he did

"Not necessarily," He spoke as if he was in a rush, "It's more just... the things I did. Knowing how bad I let things get and all th-"

I flicked him.

Right between the eyes.

Not to hurt him, but to catch him off guard and sway his train of thought.

Like spritzing a cat with water.

With the topic of purring on the table, I figured the action would be close enough.

And it worked, his widened, stunned eyes shining through the silence.

"So this is about Layla," I confirmed with a stern voice.

Silence, and a very long one at that.

With the sideways flickering of his glow, I could tell that he was thinking his answer though very carefully.

A good choice on his part.

"It's just," With all that time he had to think, it seems he couldn't come up with a well-thought-up answer, "Regret. There's a lot of it, and it's hard to fall away from that even if I am enjoying myself."

That wasn't a good enough answer, and I'm sure that showed on my face.

Not with how terribly he was taken advantage of all that time.

Not when she even admitted that she used his vampiric greed for her own gain and toyed with him and his emotions without a second thought.

He was at her mercy and she used that to crush him, knowing that as long as he was stuck, he couldn't do anything about it.

And yet he was the one feeling the full weight of this regret when he was the one being used.

It made my blood boil.

He started talking again before I could.

"Let me be guilty of the things that I did," was his quiet plea, fingers lightly tracing my back, "For what I allowed to happen to you."

"Be guilty, Xander, but don't prioritize that over everything else," I grit, "Don't just sit there and let it blind you from any other emotion."

His guilt wasn't the problem. I knew he had reasons to feel guilty, but it was the fact that he was willingly accepting too much of it.

Especially when he was actively taking steps in the right direction.

"You're taking too much of the blame instead of putting it on the vampire that deserves it. Stop taking the brunt of the guilt for her stupid manipulation." I scolded.

We were both aware that he made many mistakes, but I think that fact blinds him from the fact that he was still a victim.

Maybe that's why I wanted to defend him when Khloe brought it up.

None of this felt fair.

He was refusing to meet my eye, and I hoped it meant that he was considering my words.

"I'm not faultless," the words were barely audible.

"I never said that you were, but the fact that you know that speaks volumes. You may not be faultless, but you're not the villain here either. You're not the one who should be constantly haunted and choked by this guilt so much that you deny yourself the most basic of pleasures because you think you don't deserve it. Not when you've shown me how much you want to genuinely improve."

I found myself having to catch my breath after that.

It was just angering knowing what she'd done to him.

He was so kind and always tried to have the best intentions in mind. He was so observant to the smallest of details. Protective and considerate of the people he cared about.

And even looked out for the people he didn't.

Like trying to lighten the spirits the first time he talked to Erik.

The fact that she saw that and decided to use it against him. It just infuriated me in a way I've never experienced before.

He finally lifted his head as my heavy breathes slowed, eyes still a bit forlorn.

It was a different kind of look, and I caught myself worrying that it had to do with how I was handling it.

Sometimes I worried that I become too harsh in situations like this.

I'd just get upset and yell as a default since I was so used to having to harden myself, and I was sure the last thing he needed right now was to be yelled at.

I wasn't yet used to letting myself show... well, any sort of emotion any other way.

But If I expected him to alter his way of thinking, I needed to do the same.

It was only fair.

I let out a deep exhale, calming myself down while returning to my prior position.

My arm slid under his to wrap around his back while my head set itself under his chin.

He stiffened, probably surprised by the sudden calm.

"I know how hard this must be for you, but I hate how you're taking too much responsibility for what happened. You deserve to be relieved from some of it but I know that change isn't something that's going to just happen overnight." My voice came out quieter this time. Calmer in a way that showed the sadness that had masked itself behind a portion of my anger.

"You're a good person, Xander. The fact that you feel this guilty proves that, but don't let that guilt convince you that you're not worthy of happiness."

Just because she turned him into a bad one for a while...

I knew how much he hated it, but he couldn't do anything. I don't think that there was a single action she had him do that he enjoyed.

Even early on, I could see that.

He was still silent, and I'd given away my ability to read his eyes.

I just hoped more than anything that at least some of this was getting through to him.

That he'd accept this, even if it was a small portion.

"You deserve to be as free from her as I do," I began again "She's been holding you down for years, controlling your happiness, controlling you."

And ever since, he's only been trying to piece me back together with careful precision, and neglecting himself.

If that's how it's going to be, then I'll happily pay him back.

No one truly understands his situation like I do

"You're helping me so I want to help you. I... I'm new to this sort of thing, so I may need you to help me, but I want to be there for you."

My breath hitched at the quick tightness around my body in his almost desperate embrace, the sound of a sniffle following soon after.

I tightened my own at his action, tangling our legs for extra effect.

If I planned on having him replace some bad memories with certain things then I wanted to do the same.

There were so many things I could come up with at this moment alone, but one stuck out at something that I could work on immediately.

"Alex," the name came from my mouth as a caressing whisper.

I immediately felt the unsure tension in his body from it.

I remembered the look on his face the last time he called her that. The look of disgust at a variation of his own name.

Absolutely unacceptable.

"Alexander the defender, right?" I brought up the meaning of his name, hoping it would help.

He'd lived up to it a few times now, and I could only imagine for a long time to come.

That new tightness eased away with a quiet laugh, another sniffle following suit.

"You say it differently than she does." he disclosed, the words a bit hoarse.

She always said it almost flatly, as if she was talking down to him, if not monotonously.

But it fit him, or a part of him.

Alex felt like the gentler half of the name, so I'll use it when appropriate.

Not all the time, but every once in a while.

Just to attach the name to something else.

"And I'll keep saying it like that until you don't react to it as if I've hit you," I told.

It could be a good place to start. While he works on his guilt issues and the like.

A little squeak rang from my throat as Xander rolled onto his back, taking me with him onto his torso.

A hand roamed up into my hair, giving my entirety a quick squeeze.

"I don't deserve you." he breathed, feeling the air from it brush against my hair.

"Don't make me flick you again," I warned, slipping my other arm around him now that I could.

The bounce of his chest shook me at his more genuine laugh.

"Thank you though," He spoke, "I really do appreciate you."

Altered my position to where the bottom of my jaw was sitting flat against his chest, straining my eyes to spot his.

"Purr for me then."

Not even a second passed before that rumble started up like a motor, the sensation going from his body to mine due to the position.

His eyes widened at his body's immediate reaction to my words, "What the hell?!"

I snickered at his shock, laying my head back down onto its side with a content smile on my face.

"Good," I spoke through the yawn that crept up on me, "Now keep it there."