Xander's POV:

Holy shit holy shit holy shit!

Well, that came out of fucking nowhere!

I could only manage to stay there beside her on the bed for about ten more minutes before I found it impossible to internalize the very wide variety of things that I was feeling and made a casual retreat into the shower.

My hope was that the water would help me clear my head, but really just to give me time to think.

She just brought it up so casually... like it just heald the same weight as getting her the guitar.

And the fact that to her, it probably did nearly sent that anger that nearly shattered my glass boiling over.

She saw sex as just purely fundamental.

I knew it could be, but the fact that that's all she saw it as...

The way she so casually explained how she already expected it to be an uncomfortable and painful experience.

How she'd already accepted it, and yet still wanted to try it for that 'small chance that she would find it enjoyable'.

Bullshit.

It was so peculiar hearing the topic just so freely fall from her lips.

After she had to tell me about how she grew up, of course, I had questions but kept them to myself because I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

I didn't want to make her relive the memories because I could only imagine how strange it was for her to grow up in those kinds of conditions.

I guess I'd just forgotten how every awful thing was completely normal to her, she probably would have answered them with no hesitance because it wasn't that big of a deal to her.

And I despised it.

The claws I'd been holding back were now finally free.

The more of a glimpse I got into the finer details of her upbringing, the worse it got.

They destroyed the way she viewed certain things, and she doesn't even realize the extent.

She was beginning to see some of thoes snaller changes, but I don't think she'll be able to realize the full extent without a little bit of help.

Which was one reason why I offered what I did.

Both to direct the intense reaction I was having to her words into something more favorable, and because as I said... I wanted it to be me.

I just never imagined that she'd actually want that kind of experience.

I just hoped that I handled it well... That the strange boost in morale the initial thought of going through with it didn't surprise her too much.

I meant what I said about making it enjoyable for her, making it fun.

And with her, I do truly believe that I'd be good at it.

Vampires already had pleasure instincts as it is, thus being a reason we are considered better at it, but I feel like it becomes so much more than that if you know the person.

My breaths were beginning to turn heavy, thanking the sound of the water above me for covering it.

And here I thought that biting her would make it hard for me to control myself...

Vampires didn't typically indulge in casual sex unless we planned on never seeing that person again, or if it's established beforehand that it's purely for the physicality of it.

If there were no real feelings attached.

A decent portion of that animalistic feralims becomes activated during such an act and can become problematic if the people involved aren't doing it for the same reason.

Our greed can become embedded into that person. As vampires, intimacy is taken very seriously if the feelings are there.

And well, It was undeniable at this point that I had feelings for her.

I leaned my forehead against the tile wall, my deep breath getting blown right back into my face while the cold water ran down my back.

I'm screwed. So royally screwed and yet I couldn't find any sort of regret from the decision I'd made.

I was already dead set on being the one to guide her through all of this.

To be the one to show her how she should really be treated.

My way with her rules, right?

As long as she wanted me to be the one, I'll always be there for her regardless.

I was just... worried about reigning myself back once it came to those more complex emotions.

I didn't want to put too much onto her that she wasn't ready for or didn't even want in the first place.

All I could do was hope that those taunting instincts of mine got the hint, but something was telling me that they weren't going to listen regardless.

I leaned back and turned my head up, letting the water splash over my face in an act to pull myself together.

Stepping back and rubbing my hands up my face and through my hair, I switched off the water.

My claws retracted as I stepped out and grabbed a towel, shaking the wetness from my hair with my fingers.

Glancing at the typical spot on the sink where I set my change of clothes, I realized that in my hasty leave, I didn't bring one.

...Alright.

I could change back into what I was previously wearing, but my entire body still felt hot, so I wanted to go for something sleeveless instead.

No matter, I guess.

I quickly dried myself off an appropriate amount for me to go walking around my room, spending most of my time on my hair to stop it from dripping.

The silence of not having the rubbing of a towel against my head brought the quiet sound of her guitar to my attention.

She was going over her cords in the order we'd gone through before.

And already it sounded nearly perfect.

Fastening the towel around my lower waist, I set out on the very short journey from the bathroom to the closet.

The sound of her guitar came to an instant halt after I stepped out of the bathroom.

I had intended just to keep my head down during the give-or-take five-step walk between the bathroom and closet door so I wouldn't disrupt her, but the abrupt pause proved that I already ruined it.

It wasn't like she just let the sound of the strings fade, no. her fingers had to be pressing hard against the strings for her to have ceased the sound that quick.

I turned to face her about midway through my short treck, cutting it short the second I saw the look on her face.

Her lips parted under rounded eyes staring right at me.

Right before I could just barely tell that they looked me over before returning to my face.

And then repeating a few more times.

I've seen her blush before, but the color she had on her face right now was unmatched.

What I wouldn't do to know what was currently going through her head.

All I could pick up was an increased heart rate, and the scent of an emotion I hadn't been able to name yet.

There have been a few lately that I haven't recognized enough to give a name to, but hopefully soon.

After our prior conversation, she must know that she'd be seeing a lot more than what she was being presented with now.

The thought admittedly caused a smile to rise onto my face.

I was never really satisfied with myself... With my image when I was focused on Layla because I thought it may have been the reason why she didn't return my advances.

With her though, that kind of thought has never come to my mind.

"Now it seems like you're thinking about it," I commented, referencing what she had said to me prior and turned me into a flustered mess.

It actually looked to have the same effect as well, snapping that awed look off her face, and replacing it with that glare she always went with.

The ever-deepening color in her face betrayed it.

I tried to keep my laugh to myself while I took the next two steps into my closet, and especially not showing the fluttering in my chest at the realization that with her, I was truly at my happiest.

My back met the door as soon as it was shut.

I'm so incredibly screwed...