Xander's POV:

This night so far has been a sleepless one.

Doe hadn't fallen asleep yet, and because of that, neither have I.

Even if she was asleep, I wasn't certain that I'd be able to let it take me.

My thoughts were too far give and I couldn't pull them back.

I kept my eyes closed, focusing on the faint feeling of her heartbeat that still lingered before it would disappear as a background for all of these thoughts and emotions I was trying to pull together and keep in check.

While I recapped every single second of that moment for what could have been the 50th time since.

Picking it apart piece by piece now that my head was somewhat clear.

The high from her blood was mostly gone, but the presence of how badly I now knew that I needed her hadn't diminished whatsoever.

I wondered if she was having the same issue that I was.

Not with all these feelings I was sorting out, but just the racing thoughts.

It was the only explanation I could come up with as to why she hadn't fallen asleep yet.

After she openly voiced her confusion, knowing her, it was all she was thinking about.

Her confusion over the feelings she's never had the opportunity to have.

The same heartbeat could be felt from where my chest touched hers in how we laid, both just holding each other.

The quiet in the room right now felt.... different, but it wasn't the awkward or tension-filled kind.

It filled with our even breathing, the rhythmic background noise making it that much easier for my brain to delve on into it for the 51st time.

The flame that roared to life the second our lips touched, searing through me like nothing I've ever thought to experience before.

How hard she was holding on to me, those shy yet assured movements of hers.

The want, the need I was so sure I could feel from her with each second that passed.

The disappointment in her eyes as we parted...

I knew what I wanted to think. That she experienced that in the same way that I did.

That she felt everything with that undeniable, almost painful pull that we had to each other.

Or that I had to her...

I denied myself the deep sigh that wanted to enter my lungs, not wanting to throw off the rhythm of my breathing for her.

The awareness of her fingers pinching and rubbing my shirt did stray me from my thoughts.

Then how one of her breaths broke the rhythm.

"Hey, Xander?" her voice was the quietest whisper I've ever heard from her.

"Mhm?" I hummed back in the same volume.

A short pause.

"I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep until I figure this out." She sounded on the verge of being completely stressed, "These feelings... It's like they're folding my brain and the fact that I cant put a name on them is frustrating."

She was being completely open about this to me, and that became something that I appreciated.

That she was admitting her problems to me and trusted me to help.

"Talk me through them," I offered, "Maybe I can help."

My head turned down towards her while she pushed herself back with a hand against my stomach.

I immediately recognized that nervous line between her brows mixed with a look that showed her tiring confusion.

"I don't even know," she began, "It's like a racing in my mind but not one that makes me panic. It kind of feels like excitement, but I only get it when I think of you, so I'm blaming you."

I couldn't help but smile at her accusation.

It was just very... her.

"It makes my body feel hot, and my heart to start pounding and I just..."

Her face contorted into tighter uncertainty

"Is it weird that I want to kiss you again?" The question was genuine curiosity behind those wide eyes.

I blinked at her, trying to mask my surprise.

And my excitement.

Especially since the way she spoke resembled that of the words after I had pulled away from her.

'I don't know what's going on. I don't know what any of these feelings mean but... don't pull away... please.'

No... No matter what, I was going to be there for her.

This is what I had wanted right? For her to explore all of this through me.

I slid my arm from under her head to push my torso up, twisting just that part of me so it was situated partially over her.

I still didn't want her to feel trapped.

She kept that look in her eyes while carefully rolling onto her back.

I didn't like the hesitance I could see, the straightening of her back, and the rigidness in her arms.

She was taking this too seriously.

With how she was brought up, I could only imagine they trained her to treat every time something like this happened like a performance.

To do well so she could please me.

I guess that's what I'll be guiding her away from this time.

"You sure?" I asked, listening for the smallest hint of dishonesty.

Her nod was slow, "I am."

She was telling the truth.

I could feel the internal celebration, that heat from last time starting up, but thankfully not as much as earlier.

And so, I leaned down, the sensation of her fingers skimming the bottom of my jaw being so light that it tickled.

But even in its lightness, I could feel her guiding me in.

I stopped half an inch from her lips, waiting for her to take the action close the remaining distance.

To at least plant it into her mind that she was in charge, that for this to happen, it had to be something that we both wanted.

She took that initiative almost immediately, raising her head enough for our lips to press together once again

That pleasuring shudder shot down my back at the contact and feeling of her all over again, even though this time it was so much more careful.

Just a few slow caresses, treating her as if she was made of glass in this moment.

Even still, I could feel that spark all over again.

I wanted to do this one differently.

To show her some variety.

I lifted myself from her mouth to kiss her cheek. Then her forehead, and lastly the tip of her nose.

She tilted her head without me having to say a word as I lowered myself back down to her neck.

I pecked a kiss right over where I had priorly bitten, promptly following it up by blowing a raspberry directly onto her skin there.

"Xander!" She quickly exclaimed, pushing me back by my shoulders.

My mischievous snicker sounded immediately at her reaction, biting my tongue through the smile I hopes she could see.

After the initial shock of what I'd done left her eyes, one fell onto her lips, with a jovial shine in her eyes to match.

Wow...

Her own giggle started up, a hand lifting to rub the area I'd engaged upon.

I don't think that I'll ever get enough of that sound.

Any sign of nervousness or stress on her face was long gone now.

Good, I didn't like it when she carried that look.

Especially when she was around me.

I wanted her to know that there was no need for it when I was around. That she could talk to me and ask questions without having to worry that it might be weird.

"What the hell was that?!" her 'scold' held the exact playfulness I was trying to portray.

Perfect.

"Is that not what you wanted?" I replied innocently.

Please just give me some more time to see that look on her face.

I don't think I've ever seen such a genuine smile.

So unguarded. So pure.

"It's definitely not what I was expecting," she replied, "It... tickled."

Well, that was what I was going for.

"Did that clear anything up for you?" I asked.

Her eyes narrowed as she figured out the answer for herself.

Her sigh was one of defeat, but the rest of her didn't mirror it.

"No. If anything I think it just made it worse."

Oh...

I wanted so badly to be sure that I knew what it was.

I had a hunch, but it just felt too out of the blue, so I went for a less emotional and more biological route.

I knew humans, as well as vampires, craved general physical touch. It was something that we grew to need.

And she was deprived of it for so long, then grew to hate it entirely.

Now that she was finally letting her guard down and letting herself get touched, her body was trying to make up for lost time

Maybe that's what it was...

Or that's just what I'd tell myself to save me from the heartache.

"Tell you what," I began, "I think I know of a few books that may be able to help you figure this out."

I knew a few good ones with my very vast past with books. Especially, well, romances.

She can read them and compare her emotions with those ones.

I'd have to find some other than romances that maybe also relate to what she may be feeling, just to cover all of our bases.

Find any similarities or any hint that can help her find her answers herself.

She's picked up a few books from the shelf I had in here, but I think they were more educational ones.

She needed on where she could read their emotions, where she could feel what they were.

"Books?"

I nodded.

"A different genre than you're used to. Ones that put you in the mind of the main character. Maybe you'll recognize some of them and it'll help you understand, and if you have any further questions, you can just ask me."

I really wanted to help guide her myself as much as I could, but I was just so scared of getting this wrong.

Of leading her in the wrong direction when it came to her own emotions just because I wanted her so badly.

I didn't want my hopeless tendencies of needing her to want me like I wanted her to inadvertently get in the way of her growth.

She thought it over for a moment.

"Alright," She eventually agreed, "Do you really think that'll help?"

I pushed her hair back while I leaned down, placing a final kiss on her forehead.

"I think it will give you a place to start. Or at the very least, ease your mind enough to let you get some sleep." I quieted my voice, laying back how I was before.

She re-situated herself as I did, laying her head on my arm and pulling herself close

"I... Thank you," She breathed out after getting settled.

I responded by rubbing my thumb and first finger over the back of her neck and fixing the blanket over us once again

It didn't take much longer until she fell asleep.