I was used to waking up because I was cold or because I heard Amelia crying for me. I almost never woke up because I was too hot. It was stifling in here. I peeled my eyes open. The ceiling was a light grey. This was not my room. I shifted. My bare leg slid across another bare leg. My head snapped to the left. I recognized the dark hair and hairless back. Alex. My heart skipped around in my chest. I couldn't remember climbing into bed with Alex. I shifted back slightly away from him. My back bumped into another body. I twisted to the right. Quinn raised an eye brow at me. I gulped. What had I done?

"Don't look at me like that. You asked for cuddles and then you cried when we tried to sleep on the couch." Quinn said.

My brow creased. Why couldn't I remember that?

"Mmhm. Something about being a problem to everyone... Which you are not..." Alex yawned and shifted to his back. "This is the first time you've asked for anything that didn't involve Amelia or work."

'I'm sorry.' I signed.

"The only thing you should be sorry about is kissing Alex instead of me." Quinn growled. His arm circled around me and he gave me a quick kiss on the top of my head. Quinn rolled out of bed and stretched. I had seen him without a shirt a handful of times but I had always been careful not to really look. His slow stretch made that impossible. I watched the muscles on his arms and abs flex as he moved. My eyebrows pulled together again. How had I never noticed that he was shredded? How did I win in our sparing matches? He had to be letting me win.

"Right? The last month or so he's filled out to the point he barely fits in his clothes..." Alex groaned.

"I'd apologize but you know you love it." Quinn said without glancing back. I shifted grabbing the pillow he had just abandoned and chucked it at his back. It caught him between the shoulders with a plop. Quinn spun around to look at me in mock anger. Alex snickered.

'Have you been letting me win?' I asked.

"I don't uhh..." Quinn rubbed the back of his neck as he tried to pretend he didn't know what I had just asked. I reached back grabbing my pillow and chucking it at him as well. I couldn't believe he would do that to me. Quinn caught the pillow and pointed a finger at me.

"Stop it." He said. "You know damn well your techniques are more effective than brute strength."

I shook my head. In some ways that was true but Quinn wasn't a total brute. He was an intelligent one.

'And I know damn well you use techniques too.' I signed. Alex handed me his pillow and I chucked that too.

"Hey!" Quinn caught that one as well. "Rylan Alisa Avi you stop this right now." Quinn demanded. Alex handed me the last pillow.

"Don't." Quinn warned.

"Do it." Alex whispered. "Get him Ry."

I chucked it as hard as I could at his face. He caught it easily and pounced. I tried to scramble out of the bed but Quinn was faster than me. I couldn't move fast enough with the blankets twisted around my legs and feet. Within seconds Quinn had me pinned under him.

"And first shower is mine..." Alex laughed. Quinn reached for him as well but Alex managed to evade him. That little traitor. I couldn't even sign angrily in his direction. Quinn had both my hands pinned.

"Alright you little shit." Quinn said focusing on me. "Maybe there were a few times I might have been able to break a hold or take you down but it would have really hurt you and that's not what we are doing when we spar. You hold back from hurting me ALL THE TIME because we are just playing around. So don't go starting fights in my bed unless you want to be spanked and kissed senseless. Do I make myself clear?"

My eyes widened and I nodded quickly. My chest was tightening at just the thought of Quinn trying to do either of those. Quinn released my hands and let me sit up on the bed too.

"Don't look like that. You know I would never force you in to anything, especially not sex." Quinn said eyeing me warily.

I nodded.

'I'm sorry. I can't help it sometimes I just get a little...' I couldn't find the word I wanted.

"Scared. It's ok to get a little scared about things after you've been hurt. But it doesn't mean that you can't do it at all you know..." Quinn said quietly.

I raised my eyes back to his. I wasn't sure he understood how I felt about it because it did mean that I couldn't do it.

"Aaron really pissed me off last night telling you that you can't and you're not ready. That's a bunch of bullshit. You are 19 years old. If you want to have sex with someone you absolutely can." Quinn said.

'That's not what he really meant...' I signed shaking my head.

"I know what he meant. I've seen your marks and I know a little about what happened. What you told Alex..." Quinn said.

I nodded. Alex had asked a couple questions over the past month. I had answered most of them and he had picked up some of it from conversations with Emily and I as well. I was a little surprised that Quinn knew as much as Alex and still constantly flirted with me.

"It doesn't change the fact that you absolutely CAN. The problem isn't physical babe. If and when you decide you are ready and you actually want to... you can do it." Quinn said.

I shook my head.

'I tried with Silas... I blacked out...' I signed.

"That wasn't you wanting it. That was your heat wanting it. It's not the same thing." Quinn shook his head.

'I have panic attacks when Thomas tries to kiss me...' I signed.

"Because you don't like him... I've heard some of the stupid pushy shit he does to you. That's not right. It's not normal for one side to say no, get ignored, and be totally fine after. Maybe your reactions are a little escalated sure but no means no. You get to say no babe. If it's not a choice it's rape not sex." Quinn said.

'It's just kissing.' I signed.

"No it starts as just kissing. Even subconsciously you know where that leads if you can't stop him and when he isn't listening to your first no your mind jumps back to the last person that did that to you."

'I've had panic attacks with Silas too...' I signed.

"When you were hiding things from us..." Quinn shrugged. "Silas is hot but he's not perfect. He's not a cure all. He's just a guy. A guy that knew enough to get you to actually like him before making a move but still just a guy."

'I like you and you still scare me.' I signed.

"You don't like me. Not like that." Quinn shook his head.

'I think I do but...' I signed.

"But you are still in love with Silas." Quinn sighed and took one of my hands. "Babe I can't even imagine what you are going through with all of this and I hate to be the one to tell you but... you aren't going through it alone. You aren't the only one hurting." Quinn paused and squeezed my hand.

"Alex wants me to mark him..." Quinn said quietly. "I can't and I won't. If the council found out about it they would kill us and just the thought of anything happening to him because of me, because of something I could prevent..." Quinn shook his head.

"It doesn't make it hurt any less and it doesn't make my wolf ache for him any less." Quinn said.

I didn't sign anything as I let his words sink in. I knew the council was conservative but I had never considered that they wouldn't allow a mating for a same sex couple. I understood why Quinn was telling me this. He was trying to make me understand that no matter how angry I was at Silas I needed to remember that Silas was hurting too. Except Silas had already found someone else and we weren't mates.

'A girl kissed him last night.' I signed.

"I saw that. The girl tried to kiss him. He told her that it was completely inappropriate and that she needed to go home because she had had too much to drink." Quinn said. He tried to say it gently but his words were a slap back to reality. I had been so angry and hurt by the idea of Silas finding someone else I had never even considered that what I had seen was only part of a scenario. I had lashed out at him. I had kissed Alex in front of him. All because I was upset over something he hadn't even done. My chest ached. I rocked forward and wrapped my arms around my knees. What had I done? I was a monster.

Quinn reached up and massaged my scalp.

"It's not as bad as you think..." Quinn said. "Silas isn't angry and he knows what you thought you saw... That's why he followed you out side last night, to explain, but then the Thomas thing..."

'How do you know this?' I asked blinking back tears. It felt like Quinn was making stuff up to try and make me feel better but it wasn't working.

"Emily." Quinn shrugged. "After you kissed Alex, Silas knew he wasn't going to be able to talk to you and that I wouldn't let it go too far so he back off. He needed to vent too so he went to Em. She came over last night to check on you but you were already asleep."

I shoved my closed fists against my eyes and held my breath. I counted. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. I let the air out slowly on the same count and repeated the count while drawing it back in. I need to apologize to Silas and probably Aaron. I need to do it now. My head snapped up to look at Quinn.

"Let me grab a shirt." He nodded. He knew what I wanted even before I asked.