G I G I

I hated it here.

The ONNT soldiers had been tracking us ever since our first encounter, pushing us further north. We were ahead of them, but not far enough to be out of danger; we could never stop for too long before they caught up.

They were narrowing in on us now, forcing us into a very small area to be able to avoid them, and they couldn't have picked a worse place to push us into.

The town of my mother's resting place.

I felt sick just being here and remembering the day they lowered her into the ground. That day...I'd broken down before a hundred people. In hindsight, I wondered if that was when I finally stopped fighting back the darkness inside me.

"You don't look so good," Neve said suddenly. "Are you okay?"

"No," I rasped, shaking my head. "No." That was the first time I'd ever admitted it to myself.

The air was quiet as we hurried together down the sidewalk. Then: "You know you can tell me what it is."

I debated it for a moment. "My mother...she's buried here."

Neve's gaze was on me still, but I couldn't tear my eyes from the ground. I didn't want to see the expression on her face—I didn't want pity or concern.

Well, maybe deep down, I did. Maybe I needed someone to tell me I wasn't crazy for still feeling this so deeply. Maybe I needed someone to tell me it was allowed to not be stone-cold all the time. I just needed someone other then myself, for once.

I wasn't expecting the response she gave: "I think you should go see her."

Dread boiled up. My answer was swift. "No—I can't—"

"Yes, you can," she said, gentle but firm. "Before, you might have been too unstable to do it. But now you've regained control over yourself. I think you need closure now."

"How can I?" I whispered, the sound almost getting lost in the mid-morning breeze. "How can I face her?"

"With regret and sorrow. And a willingness to change."

I knew exactly where the graveyard was—it was burned into my shattered mind. Before Benton and I broke out of the ONNT cells, it was all I thought of. As if of their own accord, my feet brought me to the cast-iron gate.

I found myself going to her grave, hating myself for it every step of the way. The closer I got, I feared I shouldn't have listened to Neve—I should have stayed away and let myself burn in regret.

What would my mother say if she knew what I'd done to myself—how I'd utterly destroyed the person I was in the name of vengeance? Would she be disgusted, face twisted in shame? Or would she yell at me, angry? I secretly hoped it would be the latter, knowing my insanity disgusted myself enough for the two of us.

Neve hung a few paces back from the grave as I dropped to my knees before it. I couldn't even look at her name written on the gravestone. What was there to say for myself?

Regret and sorrow. And a willingness to change...

I told her everything. All the horrible things I'd done, my bloodthirstiness and desire to inflict pain, hung in the brisk air.

"I wasn't supposed to be like this," I whispered, half-feeling like I was talking to her voice in my head again. "The way I turned out wasn't your fault. I'm just...wrong. You were only wrong about that one thing—that I am crazy. After all of this, I let myself be insane. And I'm sorry for it."

The grass crunched under Neve's feet as she came closer. I didn't look up, even when she sat beside me.

"It's not all your fault," she said finally. "Not completely."

"It's all my fault," I said, my voice breaking with the sheer truth of it. "I killed the boy and landed myself in the asylum. I was the one who let myself go insane in there. I did it to....to protect myself, but all I did was tear myself apart."

"I know." Her voice was soft. "You did a lot of bad things. But what you did...it wasn't all constructed by you. Not by yourself. You needed help. You needed to be shoved into the wrong direction."

I wasn't sure what she was referring to. Did she mean Delphinium? I didn't yet know what to think about what she'd told me—that there was a rumor Benton killed my mother and framed Delphinium. The assassin and I may have not had anything resembling friendship anymore, but there was no burning rage left in me. I felt empty without it.

It seemed I finally had lost everything.

"I know you still might believe Delphinium killed your mother." It was like she'd read my thoughts. "I can understand why you'd want to blame her—it was what was drilled into you. It was what you acted upon for so long. You don't want to be wrong."

Yes. Yes. Because if I was wrong and she was right, then I'd ruined everything. If I was wrong, I'd worked with my mother's murderer and helped him get everything he wanted, while we were still stuck here. I couldn't be wrong about this.

"Benton took advantage of you, Julia. He saw the pain and instability in you and knew exactly what to say to get you to snap. He knew what happened to you at the asylum and figured he could bend you to his will once you were out of your mind. And he did. Benton was ordered to rip your team apart, and he manipulated you to do it."

"How could he know." My voice shook. I felt too light, like I'd blow away in the wind. "He didn't even know me, how..."

She heaved a sigh and threw her head back. "I wasn't going to tell you because I knew it would have broken you before, but...Benton's like the rest of you. Though he hid it, I knew: he can read thoughts. He read yours and used them against you."

I couldn't breathe. "He...he set me after Delphinium to weaken us. That means...everything I did..."

"Everything you did was orchestrated as part of his plan. You were nothing but a pawn to him, a loose cannon. He knew once he let you loose, you'd destroy everything in your path. And he didn't even care. Neither of you did."

Benton did everything I blamed Delphinium for. Benton killed my mother.

Breaking into a sob, I wrapped my arms around myself. How could I have let myself be this stupid, this easily manipulated? Once, I would have thought I was better than this. Now, I knew I wasn't.

At least I wasn't too mad to know that I hated myself more than anyone else could.

I found myself wishing Benton had killed me alongside my mother. It would have saved the others from so much pain, so much heartbreak. It would have saved them from me.

And Delphinium...I'd tried to kill her over and over again. Even when she insisted she hadn't been the murderer, I didn't want to be wrong. So I'd thrived off her blood being shed, because I couldn't see anything else. The signs. The red flags. They were so obvious now, but my vision was tunneled.

All this time, I'd been waiting to destroy Delphinium, but I hadn't even gotten to the point of another opportunity. I didn't need another fight with her; I'd been readying to self-destruct for ages now.

And I finally had.

Neve put an arm around me and I sobbed harder. For so long, I'd made everyone fear to touch me without getting their hands cut off that I forgot what comfort felt like. I may have thoroughly ruined my friendship with my team, but at least I had Neve. I'd been stupid to not see that she was the only one to have my best interests at heart.

She didn't seem to mind that I cried onto her shoulder. "You know, I think I understand now," she told me, staring at my mother's grave. "For a very long time, you were so alone and so desperate for validation that you weren't crazy. No one goes through what you did and makes it out alive. But Delphinium did. She wasn't even aware of how alike you were, but you always knew. And when you heard she killed your mother, it hurt you badly because she was the only one who could really understand. I think it was the worst kind of betrayal to you."

The words were near-impossible to get out. "I-I hurt her badly. She already had so many issues to deal with from her own imprisonment, and I..."

"I know." She let out another breath. "But we're still alive—all of us. Even the rest of your team. This isn't over yet."

"I can't believe I was ever glad she was imprisoned again." I couldn't imagine being dragged back to the asylum after being told I was free from it forever. Just the thought of it sent a shiver down my spine.

"It could have been you," Neve replied faintly. "Before he left to take Delphinium, Benton ordered me to make you join us—to join Imperium. I don't know what they wanted with you. If there had been anyone left but me, you would have been taken there. But I saw something in you—an undying spirit and impossible strength. I knew Imperium couldn't have you."

There were no words to respond to that, to the possibility I could have joined Imperium... Something inside me broke when I realized I'd probably caught Orion's eye for being a weapon of mass destruction. He'd seen that I was as evil as he was and figured he could use me in his army—or for worse. And as violent and bloodthirsty as I'd been, if that was what got me another shot at Delphinium, I probably would have agreed. That was what scared me the most.

"I think I would have joined them," I felt the need to choke out, eyes blinking back more tears. She needed to know what I was, what she'd become friends with.

"Maybe. But you've since realized your darkness. That's the first step to overcoming it."

I turned to look at my mother's gravestone. Everything I'd done had been for her—to preserve her name and avenge her murder.

And all of it had resulted in nothing but my own destruction.