Director: A response, from the Director of Project Freelancer. Dear Chairman. While I am obligated to assist your investigation, I ask that you not waste my time with irrelevant questions. My agency is normally unconcerned with such minute directives as troop reassignment. Except of course, in the most critical of matters.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Wash, Slade, and Kan have arrived in Blood Gulch, standing in front Blue Base.

Washington: Hello? Hello? Anybody here?

Slade: Theta, any life-signs?

Theta: One. It's a girl.

Wash turns on his radio.

Washington: Recovery One calling Command. Come in Command.

Command: Go ahead Recovery One, we have you.

Washington: We're at Outpost 1-A. Looks deserted.

Command: Roger that. See if you can find any evidence that would suggest where they all might have-

An angry, yellow-armored soldier appears in the base.

Sister: Hey! A-holes! What's with all the noise? People are trying to sleep here!

Washington: Um... scratch that Command. It appears I've found someone. Recovery One out.

Sister descends the ramp slowly as if hungover.

Sister: Ohhh man.

Slade: I told you to lay off the hard stuff, Sister. I swear, how does your brother bloody deal with you.

Sister: Oh, screw you!

Washington: Hi. I'm Agent Washington. This is Blue Base, correct?

Sister: It was.

Washington: Was?

Sister: Everybody's gone. Transferred. Something about this base being obsolete now, or, whatever.

Washington: Right. Where did they go?

Sister: I don't know! All different places. Nobody told me anything.

Washington: Well, I'm trying to locate some people who have experience with the Freelancer program.

Sister: Freelancer? Is that the band we had here last night?

Washington: You had a party here?

Slade: She's nineteen, Wash. She doesn't know anything army related.

Sister: Hyeah! I throw raves every night. Charge five bucks a head. Last night, I made ten bucks. Ooah ooah! Nice.

Washington: You use the base for raves? That doesn't seem like the proper use for official resources.

Sister: What're you, like a cop or something?

Washington: No.

Sister: 'Cause if you are, and I ask you, then you have to tell me. That's totally a law or something.

Washington: I'm not the police. And that's not a real law.

Sister: Well if you're not a cop, then how do you know it's not a real law? Busted!

Washington: You caught me. Hey, is there anybody else... smart... here that I can talk to?

Sister: Hyeah, right. Like I'm gonna tell you. I don't rat people out. Cop.

Kan: She's is way too... 'hammered'. Is that the right term, Leader?

Slade: Nice job, mate.

Washington: Okay, we're gonna leave now. Good luck with your empty base and your raging insanity.

Sister: Hyeah? Whatever! Good luck with being a cop, cop!

Slade: Go get OD-ed or something, would ya?!

Slade leads Kan and Wash to Red Base.

Washington: Come in Command.

Command: Hello Washington. We have you. How was the investigation at Blue Base?

Washington: Enlightening. Going to try the red base now, I'm hoping things there will be a little more...

A pink popup of Donut springs up in front of them.

Washington: ...normal.

Slade: I told ya none of 'em were sane.

Sarge-as-Donut: Halt, in the name of the red- (clears throat) I mean, lightish red army. This base is operating at full capacity. And if you come in here, you're gonna get into a big uhn-uh slap-fight!

Washington: Heuhhh... I'm gonna have to call you back.

Sarge-as-Donut: Don't come any further, ooh la la.

As they continues approaching, a maroon popup of Simmons springs out from behind a rock.

Sarge-as-Simmons: This is your last warning, stay out! I love math!

Washington: What in the...

Slade: (sighs) The man imitating them is my former CO, Sarge.

Washington: That's it? Just 'Sarge'? No first or last name?

Slade: He's never told it to anyone.

Sarge-as-Simmons: Your only hope of survival is to kiss my commander's ass!

They continues on and an orange popup of Grif filled with bullet holes appears from out of nowhere.

Sarge-as-Grif: And this is another warning: I know the other warning was supposed to be last, but I never listen to orders, 'cause I'm too lazy and stupid! And ugly. Did I mention ugly?

Washington: This is gonna be a waste of time, I can tell already.

Slade: Wash, please. They COULD know something.....fifty-fifty chance.

Sarge pops up in front of the trio.

Sarge: Yeah, freeze intruders! Stop yer intrudin' right there.

Washington: Who made these things?

Sarge: I did.

Washington: Wait, you're real?

Sarge: Of course I am. You fell for a classic misdirection. I still got- Slade! Where in the Sam hell have you been, Corporal?

Slade: Sarge, I swear if you berate me again, I WILL kick your arse into the dirt.

Lopez: [Everything OK out here?]

Sarge: We're fine, Lopez. Just caught myself a dirty Blue.

Slade: Hey, Lopez. Sarge just as senile as always?

Lopez: [You have absolutely no idea.]

Sarge: Lopez. How many does that make this week?

Lopez: [One.]

Sarge: Yahtzee. We're on a hot streak!

Washington: Uh, I'm not actually a Blue. I'm from Command.

Sarge lowers his shotgun.

Sarge: Command, no kiddin'. I didn't think we were due for inspection.

Washington: You're not. I was hoping you could tell me about the soldiers transferred out of this outpost.

Sarge: You mean Grif and Simmons? Those traitors. I told 'em not to go! The battle here isn't even over yet.

Slade: Sarge, Church, Tucker, and Caboose all transferred out. They're all gone.

Sarge: Not while there's a single Blue left in this canyon. Which there is: a single Blue. Victory, or death.

Washington: I see.

Sarge: That's why I refused my relocation orders. Obviously, Command wasn't thinkin' clearly.

Washington: So, you're AWOL then.

Sarge: I uh... A-what?

Kan: (sighs) I will never understand how you cope with these fools, Leader.

Sarge: Hey! Who the hell do you think you're callin' a fool, split-lip?

Sister yells at them from a cliff.

Sister: Don't tell him anything until you talk to a lawyer! You have rights!

Washington: I'm not a cop!

Sarge: Hey! Beat it ya little tramp! Ya see why I can't go?

Washington: Why not just attack her and win then? It would take about ten seconds.

Sister: You're old and I hate you!

Sarge: That's the problem! I can't attack a girl. So we're locked, in an epic stalemate.

Washington: You're kidding me.

Slade: (facepalms) Bloody hell, Sarge.

Theta: (in Slade's mind) Is this guy crazy?

Tex: (in Slade's mind) Kid, you have no idea.

Sarge: Plus she's cookin' somethin' up. And I gotta be ready. I hear her runnin' training ops every night! I see them out there with their glow sticks and their tribal drum beats: oom chicka oom chicka oom chicka oom chicka.

Washington: Well. This has been really... informative. But we need to find someone who has experience with artificial intelligence.

Sarge: Alright. You want Caboose then. He got infected for a little while I think.

Slade/Kan: Oh, boy....

Washington: Great! Caboose! Do you know where he is?

Sarge: Of course. We intercepted the Blues' orders. I got it right here. Lopez!

Lopez: [Yes?]

Sarge: Get this guy the Blue Team relocation orders.

Lopez: [Right.]

Sarge: Lopez probably converted it into Spanish, so they might be a little hard to understand.

Washington: Yeah. They wouldn't be the first thing today.

Sister: Shut up, cop!

Slade: That's it! I'm getting the sniper rifle! I don't care how pissed Grif is gonna be.