Chapter 11: We are perfect, aren't we, my dear? Two selfish people.

"...Hi." I breathed out.

He removed the familiar small notebook and pen from his pocket and my eyes widened. I had dropped them when he'd shook me off... he must have gone back that time to pick them up.

My eyes glanced over the words written on the page he'd opened, and my mouth slightly fell open before I gave him a huge smile.

"I'm sorry."

I wrung my hands and looked down, suddenly feeling shy and not knowing what to say. I'd been waiting for today for how long now...

He cleared his throat and I looked up to see more words on the page.

"I will help you, but I have a question."

He asked me why I was going to die. Thankfully, I expected this so I had prepared an answer long ago.

"I received an anonymous letter prophesizing it. I didn't believe it at first but then other things started coming true and now I'm scared for my life." I couldn't afford him suspecting a thing so I made sure my expressions and shaky voice matched what I said.

I looked at him with fearful and sad eyes. "You know how everyone is with me, right? I have no one... no one at all to rely on."

His so far expressionless face began to show a tint of pity. I bit my cheek to hold back the relieved grin that was bursting through.

You see, both of us had one thing in common:

We both were abandoned like stray dogs to this mansion. Nora wasn't blameless but neither was she guilty enough to warrant this; Risor on the other hand was completely innocent. He had his tongue cut out and his nobility snatched through no fault of his own.

From the moment I had heard about his tragic tale from the plants, I knew I had to use it to my advantage. Pity or comradery or whatever; this could surely help bring us together. Of course I felt like a bitch to see it as a good thing but I had to take a chance when I saw one. I couldn't change what had already happened anyway. Besides, I was planning on paying him back for his help.

And I picked my flower well.

The next few days, Risor and I spent around an hour together each day. He told me that to be able to grow a plant with our flowers, we need to have first touched it and absorbed its unique energy; our bodies would naturally remember that print and be able to grow it when we wish.

This meant flowers like Phrixios couldn't be grown by us, because after all just a touch of that is enough to kill; whoever manages to absorb its energy wouldn't be able to live to use it anyway.

Since I hadn't awakened to that strand of my power yet, Risor just taught me the basics of gardening and grew medicinal plants and taught me their names and uses.

Sometimes, I'd bring some of the cookies I'd been saving from my teatimes to share with Risor. He never accepted them at first, but I was nothing if not persistent! It was a lesson I've been taught since forever in my past life: the way to a person's heart is through their stomach. Bribery is key!

So, although painful for me to share my precious cookies, eat them! Eat them and favour me! I sniffled, hiding my pained heart as we sat across each other by the tea table placed in the garden.

He picked a butter cookie, bit into it and used his finger to position it under his teeth so that he could chew.

The fact that he'd decided to finally accept them was taken as a win for me and I smiled at him. He awkwardly scratched his cheek and averted his eyes, after wiping his fingers on a napkin. As a former noble, his manners were impeccable, right down to the way he held and sipped from his cup.

What a handsome extra... I thought, cupping my cheek with my palm. I kind of feel like I'm on a date with a celebrity.

Ah, I really shouldn't drool over him like this; how rude. I quickly turned my gaze back to the drawing papers in my hand and decided to try to draw Risor instead.

In my past life, I was a photography major. I took my camera everywhere I went with me but of course, those don't exist here so I'm doing the next best thing to capture moments... drawing!

However...

"Is that a frog?"

Risor held up the notebook page with such incredulous words written on it. I could only open and close my mouth like a gaping fish.

...Should I tell him it was him I was trying to draw? No, how does this look like a frog at all! It's clearly a sideview! Sideview!

To reply, I just looked down at my art and nodded with pained eyes. Seeing me nod, Risor smiled and wrote something else.

"I can draw a bit. Should I teach you how to draw a frog?"

I stared at him with eyes of betrayal. Do I in anyway look like I want to learn how to draw a frog? No, why would I want to draw a frog? Do you think a frog is my lover or something? Are you changing this book to Princess and the Frog now?

Hitting him mentally with a barrage of questions, I only smiled at him and gently shook my head. Even if this was opportunity for us to get closer, I am too offended by you!

Risor finished his tea and got back to work, and it had begun to get too hot for me so I went back to my room.

Risor and I did feel like we had gotten closer these days, no doubt thanks to the sacrifice of my cookies, but I didn't mind so much. Having tea like this with him was fun, though we wouldn't really talk much. Who knew just being in the presence of another human could be this healing?

However, it was no question that he still didn't trust me.

I was only being taught medicinal herbs and how to take care of flowers. My strand power hadn't awakened yet so all he'd do is tell me about all these plants; it was all information on healing and caretaking but nothing on offense moves.

At this point I was wondering to myself if it was even possible to escape risky situations with this power of mine. It's really feeling so useless. I mean, what could I do, throw some medicines at the emperor's face and run away? That's great, he'd make sure to cut me into multiple pieces this time and perhaps even feed me to the dogs, so there's no waste laying in the forest.

I went to bed with such thoughts but ended up dreaming of Cassian.

Once daybreak hit, I bit back a sigh at the sight of Eleonora in the mirror.

Cassian's mother...

I don't remember much of her but... her hand on my head in Nora's memories felt very warm and soft. She had comforted Nora and taken care of her like her own child whenever Nora came over.

This time it was about his mother's passing.

Every year, there was a day that Nora accompanied Cassian to the Arcturus family's cemetery.

This was something Nora did no matter what her personal situation. Once, she was so ill that she spent a week in bed, but she still went with him, pretending that everything was fine. Once she got back home, she collapsed and was bedridden for another week.

Someone who endured so much pain just to be able to stand by someone she loved on a dark day in his life...

Being the oldest amongst our usual group of three including Caeles, it was always us who relied on Cassian. The eldest son of the Duke, his future responsibilities were already set. The countless number of times he got injured while playing or taking care of us, he just smiled and worried about us instead. He was the self-less, kind-hearted older brother. An ideal; a perfect heir apparent.

So even when the death of his ill mother broke his heart, he didn't come forth to rely on us.

But what was Nora, if not persistent? In these moments, she stuck to him like glue, even making him yell at her once, but she told him "I'll be quiet, and you can just ignore me, but please let me be here."

Honestly, if someone did that to me, I'd probably have been irritated but... Cassian... perhaps it was what he needed at that moment.

The security of someone who wouldn't leave.

He knew Nora well.

So that was the day he finally cried a lot, and Nora just stayed with him. It was the first time he relied on her, and from then, every year when Cassian visited his mother on that day, Nora came quietly with him.

Perhaps that's why, even when Nora's antics went overboard, he never completely abandoned her, even when he'd started to hate her.

The day before Nora ended up dying in the forest, she'd overheard him talking to someone, I can't remember who it was but they were complaining about Nora, who'd attacked heroine again and Cassian replied, "Yeah... I'm tired of her. No, I hate her."

What he'd said made sense. Nora had gone completely crazy with jealousy and rage before this, and did some terrible things but still...

That pathetic girl couldn't bear to hear Cassian say those words so she lost her last remaining hope of being with him and left to die.

Back then, I thought it was so stupid of her to get herself killed because of a boy but now that I am living as her... it would be like gaslighting her life. The truth is that it wasn't just because of Cassian, and I know that now.

Honestly, she's just so... pitiful.

I sighed once again as I sat with my drawing book at the tea table, cursing my luck. That dream must have been a premonition because the boy in question was now sitting in front of me, sipping elegantly on a cup of tea as he watched me.

Cassian had come to visit again.

I had almost fallen off my chair when the steward opened the door to the garden and announced, "Master of the house, Lord Cassian is entering." And behind him, the silver haired male lead casually walked in. He scanned the garden and narrowed his eyes when they landed on me.

Then he gave me a bright smile as he walked towards me as if he owned the place.

I could only stay frozen as he came close, pushed back a chair and took a seat ahead of me.

Alright. Calm down. Think. Does this make any sense?

The answer is a big, fat 'NO.'

"W-why?" I tried not to make my voice tremble and he just smiled at me. Somehow, it was so gentle that it looked terrifying.

"How have you been Nora? You've been so quiet these days, I had to check if you were alive."

A maid set down a tray and poured tea for us. She picked up the jar of sugar cubes and asked politely how many sugar cubes we'd like. Cassian answered for both of us, surprising me.

"Two for her and one for me."

He then dismissed the maid and mixed my tea for me before handing it to me and then working on his own cup. I blinked at the fact that he even remembered Nora's preferences. Well, it makes sense, I guess. And good for me that Nora's and my taste buds weren't too different. But what's this...

I was just sitting in my house, minding my own business but all of a sudden I am having a little tea party with the male lead?

Okay. Let's calm down. Get over the surprise. Get to your senses. He said he came to check up on me. Is that it? And also,

"Why are you the master of the house?" I frowned, referring to what the steward had called him and Cassian shrugged.

"You told them to call me that. I refused but you wouldn't budge." Damn that Nora. Cringy and clingy. Giving ownership of your house so easily like that, even if only in name!

"Anyway, I came here because I had something to give to you."

He raised his hand and a man who seemed to be his aide handed him a bunch of papers tied with a red string. I noticed how his silver strands waved gently in the breeze, shining like sunlight itself. He then slid the papers across the table towards me.

I gulped my own tea loudly and shakily placed it on the saucer, trying to ignore the sweat running down my back as I opened my mouth.

"What are these?"

"Communication papers." He smiled good-naturedly and I felt my already racing heartbeat jump at the sight. Male leads and their beauty... exasperating!

I tilted my head and he continued to explain.

"They were made from two enchanted trees that grew with the same roots. Anytime you write something on one page, the same appears on the other one, regardless of the difference."

He followed what he said and wrote something on the set of pages he had, and I watched in wonder as scribbles formed with a glow on one of the pages in front of me. Alright, I have to hold in my excitement, I know, but...!

This is magic texting!

I grinned and slid my fingers across the paper, feeling its rough texture under my skin. Ah, but it's too bad that he has the other set. In that sense, these don't really have much use, do they?

"But why are you giving these to me?" I asked, looking up with curiosity.

He was looking at me this entire time but now he averted his gaze and held his cup to his lips again.

"...I was worried. Use this to tell me if anything happens or if you need anything."

I held back a snort. Ah, right. That promise of his protection. Well, since he's here, let's try to get more answers.

"I heard you went and got me a Phrixios," I spoke, watching him as I sipped my tea.

He nodded and placed his cup on the saucer. "Yes. It's a shame that it's still in Ilaria, though. Why, do you need it? Should I send for it?"

I widened my eyes and shook my head. Why are you so enthusiastic? Please keep that death flower far away from me. I don't even want to think about why Nora asked for one! Just what kind of devilish thing was she planning? I shudder at the thought.

"No... I was just wondering why you did it?"

He tilted his head like he didn't understand my question. And then he answered firmly,

"Because you asked for it.

...But why? Why would you go so far to give me what I asked for?

"Wasn't it too difficult?" How could it be worth the trouble?

Cassian furrowed his brows.

"Difficult? Ah, I've heard people say that finding that flower is hard, but it wasn't at all. It just took me a few hours of travel and getting rid of a few monsters who were in the way." He then lifted the corner of his lips. "Why? Are you worried about me now?"

You're talking about it as if you went to the convenience store across the street to get some ice-cream, and just ran into the old woman who's a talkative neighbour! Marquess Daesyn couldn't stop showing off his tales and spoke of how it took him five whole days in the dark forest to find it! And you did it in a few lousy hours as if it was nothing... as expected of the male lead. It's annoying!

I grunted and picked up my drawing book again, deciding to ignore him for the sake of my blood-pressure. He comes into my house as he wishes and has tea as he wants. As he's done with what he came for, he will leave as he wants.

I got to working on my side face art. Is this how you draw hair? Hm... that looks off. Should I peek at Cassian? No, just ignore him. You can't even use him as reference, he's too pretty. Ignore, ignore.

I thought seeing my disinterest, he'd go, but...

"Are you drawing a lion?"

I underestimated the male lead...!

One hand on the back of my chair, the other on the table, Cassian was now stood next to me as he bent down, leaning towards my book. Why is his face right next to mine?! Is this an attack?!

"Y-y-you...!" At my stammering, he turned towards me curiously and now his face was giving me a divine frontal attack. I already wasn't used to people being close to me but this guy was another level!

His scent drafted gently towards me, and my heart wasn't calming down.

"You're in danger!" I let out whatever, leaning back. "You know who I am right? If you come this close, I'll just want to kiss you!" The shameless truth! It's the best way to get him away from Nora. Now he'll definitely jump away. That was smart of me.

But this...?

Hearing my words, his eyes widened for a second before he tilted his head with a full smile.

"Why are you acting like that? I'm already used to your kisses, Nora."

My mouth fell open. My heart was running a marathon.

Say what?

Just... what kind of a relationship did these two have! Am I misunderstanding something? But no! The book definitely-!

"You've always been giving me kisses on my cheek since you were young. Since it's been a while, I'll allow it."

My eyes narrowed at his words, realization setting in.

What's this...?

...Something feels off.

He's doing this on purpose... isn't he? He's giving in and tempting Nora just enough...

Shouldn't he be pushing me away and drawing a line if he knows how I feel? But... why do his eyes look... desperate?

...Does he not want Nora to stop?

Memories of a silver haired child's crying face as he held onto my lap came to mind.

I extended my hand out to the decorated purple sapphire gem on his cravat and slid my fingers gently across it, as I murmured softly.

"You're quite selfish, aren't you?"

Cassian's eyes widened, his lips parting in surprise. And then he gave me that smile. It looked so helpless and bitter.

"You caught me."

His hand reached to the loose fabric hanging on my sleeves and he felt it between his fingers idly.

"We're both quite selfish." His deep amethyst eyes looked into mine, breathing softly. "We have been for all these years."

The colours were breath-taking. I had never heard this quiet voice from him before.

"But now you're walking ahead and leaving me behind."

When did it start?

Was it the greenhouse where Cassian found Nora crying? The memory of these two in the rain as he held his hand out to her? Or was it when she didn't let go of him after his mother's passing?

That was the first time Cassian relied on Nora. After someone he hadn't thought would leave him so soon, left him here, no matter what he said, Nora didn't leave his side. These two grew up together but then Nora fell in love. He couldn't return that love, but that didn't mean...

That didn't mean he wanted her to leave him alone. She was still the only one he had come to rely on.

Cassian and Eleonora both wanted something from each other that they couldn't give. They couldn't give each other what they wanted but even still they wouldn't let each other go.

I narrowed my eyes slightly. I had misunderstood the relationship between these two. It's a lot more complicated than one-sided obsessive love.

Nora wanted Cassian's love, and Cassian wanted Nora's... but the types of loves couldn't be more different.

"Do you like it?" My eyes finally left the gem to meet Cassian's. He was referring to the purple sapphire.

"...I do. They look like your eyes." I don't know why I added the last part. But I meant it.

Cassian looked relieved at this.

"So you still like my eyes."

Why do you look so comforted by that?

Cassian unclasped the jewel from his cravat and took my hand; he placed it on my palm and gently pressed my fingers closed around it. His touch was cool and familiar. It wrung at my heart.

"What else do you want?" He asked, his eyes searching mine.

...So this is how it was.

This is why he did all those things. This is why he went into the forest of death to get her a Phrixios. This is why he turned a blind eye to her worsening behaviour. They were all compensation.

In exchange for the love he couldn't give her.

So that she wouldn't leave him.

These two...

My heart hurts.

These two had something a lot more complex than I could have imagined.

They couldn't give each other what they want, but they didn't want to leave each other either.

After all, since they were kids,

In this rotten world of theirs...

They only had each other.

...Is destroying this relationship really the right thing?

"What do you want from me?"

I didn't know when I had leaned in towards him.

Cassian didn't reply. His fingers played with the back of mine as he just looked into my eyes. Then he sighed and stood up and looked down at me.

"We are two selfish people."

I stared back up into his jewel eyes. His silver hair fell softly over his furrowed brows. This expression pained my heart. He looked tired.

"This circle of selfishness..." his soft voice rang clearly in my ears.

"Just don't leave me alone in it.

Be selfish with me, so I can be selfish with you.

We are perfect, aren't we my dear? Two very selfish people.

I can't give you my love, but I'll give you everything else, so please don't leave me.

Was the male lead always this... pathetic?

"...He finally seems a little human now." I murmured to myself as I watched him walk away.

But did you know, Cassian?

"Nora wouldn't have left you even if you didn't do all this."

Like a fool, she would have stayed by your side even if you didn't tempt her like this.

"She already knew you were never going to be hers."

My whispers were only heard by the wind and the flowers of the vacant garden.