Chapter 21:

Anger is a mistake. No. Anger is a reaction, and... Fuck you.

...This won't do.

I was currently on my bed, in my bedroom as Cassian sat on a chair beside me and Caeles stood by the foot of my bed.

I'll have to do something...

I woke up two hours after the monster was dealt with; Caeles had carried me back home and Cassian was now properly healed. The knights and soldiers had finished off the monsters and the day was saved, courtesy of the Arcturus brothers.

...I've made up my mind.

"I am asking you once again, Nora; why on earth do you know how to grow Ruila leaves? Is that why you asked for the healing stones? Tell me where it happened; I'll get rid of them all!"

Cassian barraged me with questions meanwhile Caeles glared at me. "Who would have thought with how high and mighty you act all the time... how on earth are your elemental abilities so weak? Who faints after just growing two plants?" Caeles pounded me with criticism for my weakness. They both looked very irritated and on edge.

...I can't believe that I'm really going to do this.

I held back a sigh. I mentally prepared myself. And then I turned to Cassian who was frowning with worry.

"Are you listening, Nora? Tell me-"

"Cassian."

Staying away from you and pushing you away didn't work; for some reason you just came that much closer because you worried.

Today we all could have ended up much worse. I could have died, and Cassian was injured because of me.

"Oh, Cassian."

I've made up my mind. No matter how many times I told them to leave me, it never worked.

"Do you know, Cassian..."

There's only one way to make them stay away.

I reached out and wrapped my arms around Cassian's neck.

"Do you know how much I absolutely love you, my dear Cassian?"

The water jug Caeles was holding fell to the ground. I felt Cassian freeze under my touch.

"When I think of you getting hurt, I feel the pain! I feel the pain like it is my own body! Oh, Cassian!" I wailed with as much emotion as I could, as if my world was ending. "Please don't get hurt again, my dearest heart! I wouldn't be able to take it!"

I'll just have to do it Nora's way.

"She... she..." Cassian looked towards Caeles with shock and uncertainty.

"She's back...!" Caeles whispered. And then his eyes turned sharp. "Take your hands of him right now, Eleonora."

I continued to hang onto Cassian's neck and turned my eyes to Caeles. My lips quirked up.

"Why are you treating your future sister-in-law so harshly, Caeles?"

At my words, I could see a vein popping out on Caeles' neck. He looked really angry. His intense reaction surprised me as I felt the full effect of the wave of hatred he had for Nora. I had changed, so his anger towards me had lessened, or at least he wasn't acting out on it completely; but as soon as I pretended to be Eleonora again...

What is this hatred...

For a second, I was shocked at the intensity of the glare he was giving me. I almost let go of Cassian.

"Leave him. Don't start again. Just stop, Eleonora! Leave him or I'll rip your hands off of him myself!" Caeles growled at me, taking a few steps ahead, his voice raising with each word. At this reaction, Cassian gently put his fingers around my wrists and softly pulled my hands off of him.

"Caeles." He gave his brother a warning glance and then turned towards me again. "Have your memories returned, Nora?"

I was weirded out by this situation. I thought this would be the best way to go about it to make them give me space but I wasn't expecting such a huge change in their behaviour towards me.

"Huh? No... No." I stammered and got back to my senses. "A-all I remember is how much I love you, Cassian." Cassian pursed his lips at my reply.

"...I see."

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door and Cassian's aide entered with permission.

"My lord, you're needed to Aldebaran. The Duke says it's important."

Cassian nodded and then stood up with a sigh. Caeles continued to glare at me.

"What is it?" I snapped at him, once I gathered my bearings.

He took a few steps towards me.

"Caeles." Cassian's voice was warning him but Caeles ignored him. He got to my bedside and then leaned down right by my face. His piercing jewel eyes were right in front of mine now, glaring with an intensity that rivalled the sun. I barely stopped my lips from trembling and stared right back at him.

"If you do any fucked up shit again," Caeles threatened me, his eyes flashing. He reminded me of an animal hissing with its claws out. "I will make sure to stop you no matter what I have to do. Be careful."

Right after his words left his lips, he stood up and turned around. He passed by Cassian, without looking at him, without looking back and walked out the door, and it slammed shut, the noise echoing loudly in the silent room.

I was frozen in my place. Cassian came close and put his hand on my shoulder, as if to comfort me. "You know he's always been like that... don't mind him too much, Nora."

I took a breath and nodded at him. It's true. Caeles has always been like that with Nora. I had just forgotten because we were being more civil with each other recently. Cassian gave me a bitter smile and removed his hand.

"I have to go now. If you need anything; anything at all, let me know through the papers. I've already told my aide to notify me of your messages this time."

Cassian and Caeles left and I laid back in my bed. It seems that my clothes had been changed when I was unconscious and now I was in my nightgown. I stared up at the lace canopy; more specifically at the edges where the strings had begun to come off. I probably did it for a very long time. I sighed and held my itchy arm up to examine it.

I've been using the healing stones for the rashes, but they just keep appearing. I should have asked the doctor about these today. I should actually call for a doctor-

Clink!

"Hmm?" I turned towards the window at a sound. "Did I imagine that?"

"Nope, you didn't. I heard it too." Yellow replied and I tilted my head.

Clink!

"There it is again."

"Will you get up and check already? I wish to sleep."

I sighed at the rude flowers and got off my butt. "One day I'll just pluck all your leaves out." I muttered to them as I walked past them towards the window, and they gasped with mock shock.

"Oh. Dear. I. Am. Oh. So. Scared."

I clicked my tongue at their monotone voice and looked out the window. There, I saw my favourite person in this world waving at me.

"Risor!" I flung my window open with a huge smile.

"He says he was worried about you," The ivy vines spoke, becoming our medium.

So the news about the battle has already spread to the servants... Well, it makes sense. The Arcturus servants were with us and they must have talked to the people in this house.

I shook my head at Risor, my smile growing. "I'm fine! You should have seen how cool I was today!"

He tilted his head with pursed lips and touched the Ivy.

"He heard you were hurt."

"No, it's because I used too much of my power. I really protected myself well! It's all thanks to you, Risor!" I grinned down at him and he finally gave me a little smile back, still looking worried.

"Come on... it's true! Also, you should have seen my dress today. It was really pretty!" I tried to change the subject to something less dark and traumatic for me. I truly had enjoyed wearing that pretty dress today. It had increased my self-confidence.

Risor tilted his head and narrowed his eyes at me, finally smiling properly. "I wish I could have seen you."

I blinked, somehow feeling a little shy suddenly. "Yeah... I'll wear it and show you when it's clean again." It wasn't going to be clean again. Because it was ruined. But it doesn't matter; I'll just try to get another pretty dress to show him somehow.

"How was the ball?" Risor asked with an apologetic smile. He probably just wanted to keep the conversation going.

I gave a little chuckle at this question. "You mean other than the part where the monsters almost killed us? Glorious. Party of the year, really." Risor shook his head at me with grin.

I narrowed my eyes and this and placed my elbow on the windowpane, resting my cheek on my palm as I gazed down at him. "So what did you do today?"

"The usual... just keeping the flowers company." He shrugged and I smiled gently. The usual kind boy.

"What's this? You didn't even get to see my pretty dress but you were off with the flowers. You should keep me company too, you know?" I gave him a teasing frown and he smirked playfully at me.

"That's what I'm doing right now, aren't I?"

"Wow, would you look at that," Yellow whispered from behind me. "Just look at how they're flirting while making poor Ivy work as messenger." I ignored them; grateful that Risor couldn't hear. I made a silent vow to at least pluck one leaf off of those darn carnations; it wouldn't hurt them anyway, but just for my satisfaction.

Risor and I talked a little while longer as the moonlight shone down on us. Me gazing down at him from my window, and him looking up at me from the ground. That night, this rotten estate didn't feel so bad. For that moment, I could forget about the monsters; about Caeles and about my future. For that moment, I let myself go in the kindness given to me.

But that feeling didn't last.

A few days later, I was walking around the mansion. I grimaced looking at the bunch of plant books in my hands.

I have no self-discipline! None, whatsoever!

I was this close to throwing them all away. I had to memorize all these plants but I've always hated studying.

Though it's really a matter of life and death this time...

I clicked my tongue and continued towards my room when a voice from one of the rooms caught my curiosity.

Hmm? Isn't that Lily?

"...It's true... she..."

I moved closer to the door, for some reason getting a bad feeling in my chest.

"Just show her a smile, and she'll wag her tail like a dog."

"Oh my, is that how you got that necklace?"

"Of course not. That's from the house funds."

Lily was talking to the new maids.

"Sticking to her is also a good way to chance Lord Cassian, isn't it?"

"Absolutely not. Stay away from her if you even want to dream of the Arcturus brothers. They despise her."

Ah...

So I've been used again.

Another fake. What a surprise.

I clenched my fists and turned around, the books in my hands now a heavier burden; but not more than the stupid thing beating in my chest.

Once in my room, I threw the books on the floor and slammed the door shut. It was a small tantrum I couldn't help. I wanted to break more things, but most of all... I just wanted to run away for the moment.

How humiliating...

Ahh... how stupid I am.

I told the carnations of what happened when they asked about why I was acting moody again.

"You shouldn't take what she said to heart." Yellow tried to comfort me by telling me what to do.

"Yeah, of course." I laughed out loud. "I shouldn't have a heart at all, while I'm at it. Just a useless thing. Just why do these sorts of things keep happening to me? You'd think it'd get old, but no."

"You are pitying yourself. You shouldn't pity yourself so."

I raised my hands and gestured around me. "Who else will pity me if not myself?" What Yellow said was right. I shouldn't pity myself. But my words were different. "Is anybody standing here with me at all? It's so easy to tell people what not to do, isn't it? What bullshit."

My tone was mocking.

I didn't intend for it to be. I was hurt and getting carried away in my anger, and I wanted comfort, not being told what to do. It wasn't Yellow's fault, I know that. I know that and I know that but...

"...You haven't learned anything at all, Nora. You haven't changed after all."

I'm so stupid.

Those words were familiar. They pierced something within me, making me snap.

My eyes flashed and I growled with irritation.

"What do you know?! Shut up before I pull out your roots and have you thrown in the trash!"

And these words that left my lips, they pierced my heart even further than those of Yellow's.

"Ugh!" I grunted and turned around. I left my room, slamming my door shut again. Because I knew that if I stayed further, I'd only regret and hate myself more.

Not everyone understands emotions. I don't understand myself. I get angry and do things I regret. I do it and further hate myself. It's like I'm doing it on purpose at this point. Just giving myself more reasons to make myself suffer.

But no. Why don't people understand? Why don't they understand what I need? That it's not their judgement... I don't need anymore judgement or criticism when I'm like this. I'm the one living like this. I'm the one who knows what I'm going through. I'm the one doing these things. And I don't want to.

Who wants to do bad things on purpose? Who wants to act like that and hurt people they love on purpose? I didn't do it on purpose...

But even that is an excuse. Because after all, these hands belong to me and so do these lips. These words in the end also belong to only me.

But is that really true? Are these words really mine alone? Or have they been shaped and pushed out through experiences and pasts? Probably another excuse, isn't it?

I kicked at a rock in the garden path and made my way to my hideout.

It's like that feeling when you tell people to close the door when they leave, but they don't. Again and again you speak, until you get up and slam the door shut yourself. At that point, it's less about the open door; it's more about the fact that no one listened to you. No one listened to your voice that was calling out to them and saying what it is that you want.

You speak so that someone may listen. I want them to listen. When your voice isn't heard...

I want them to listen and try to hear beneath my anger; the reason isn't always what you see on the outside. On top, it's just that I am acting out, being out of line, being unacceptable. But beneath... there's a reason why my heart reacted that way. It's so fucked up. Could you understand that?

It's a circle of regret and self-hate...

It's a circle that just keeps going. I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of myself.

Anger isn't a reason to hurt people. Anger is wrong. I was wrong.

But telling me that just makes me angrier. You telling me my emotions are wrong; these feelings aren't valid... that just suffocates me further.

After all, what do you want me to do about them?

If you tell someone to be happy, can they just be happy? Can they just smile and laugh with real happiness?

If you tell someone to be sad, can they just make themselves cry with real sorrow? Or if you tell them not to be sad, will they just begin to laugh happily? Is it so easy for you to control your emotions? Must be nice.

I can't. So what do I do about this anger? If you tell me not to be angry, what do you want me to do? Do you think I want to be angry? Or sad? If you tell me to love myself, will I just begin to love myself?

Telling people what to do is just so easy.

It just pisses me off even more. Because it shows you don't even want to understand. You just want me to get over it. And somehow, you wanting that is more valid than any reason of me feeling my emotions. Anyone would say so, right?

I scoffed and pushed myself to the ground. I laid down; my dress was getting dirty but I didn't care and glared up at the sky.

...Why am I so full of anger?

I sighed. What a bloody emotional mess. I'm just whining again. What's new? What's the use of all these thoughts? The result is just that, once again, I've hurt someone I love.

"You haven't changed after all."

Yellow was referring to Eleonora, but it applies to me too.

I truly haven't changed from my past life. Once again, I'm messing everything up.

"Hah! No wonder I came here as the villain... We really are the same..."

If someone heard my thoughts right now, even they'd think what bullshit.

This person is just whining.

Yeah... I guess I am. I should stop thinking more of this. I should go back and just apologize. I was wrong to snap because I was angry. I was wrong to say that. Yeah, I know. I've done this before. I should be used to this. This is how I am. I am used to apologizing for how I am.

I stood up and began to walk back with heavy steps.

"I'm sorry, Yellow."

But these words never reached those precious yellow carnations of mine.

When I came back, my room was quiet. Unnaturally so. My words didn't have a reply and when I looked at the table where my flowers usually sat...

"Where...?"

There was a painful dull thud in my chest. I heard the laughter of maids walking by outside my room and I opened my door.

"Excuse me..." I called out and the three maids turned towards me. All laughter immediately left their expressions, to be replaced with pursed lips and annoyed faces.

"Have you seen the pot of carnations in my room?"

The three glanced at each other in confusion, and one of them smirked. I noticed the green gemstone sparkling by her ears; it was an earring the maid obviously couldn't afford, unless she was using funds from this house. "Oh, yes. I cleaned your room, Lady Eleonora. The flowers were wilting so I had them removed."

The dull thud in my chest turned painful. It was a sting. My breath caught in my throat.

"...What?"

"Did you not hear? I had them cleaned up."

...Cleaned up?

You... threw away my carnations...?

...Why?

What did they do to you? What did I do to you?

I didn't hear anymore. I covered my face with shaking hands. I closed my eyes. I wanted to block everything.

A million thoughts flew around my mind; beating at me, banging at me. Amongst these thoughts...

Why me?

Why did this have to happen? I was just trying to live. I was just going to survive silently. I know I can't be a saint but everything... everything is...

A strangled sound left my throat as I took heavy breaths. My emotions were filling up my chest, strangling my throat. The maids looked at each other with alarm at my behaviour. They hadn't expected me to get so riled up.

I... see... so this is what happens when I stand silently. This is what will happen if I will take it quietly.

...Then I should make some noise.

I wasn't actually directly bullied by people in my past life. When someone is bullied, people think they are sad. They think that person must be so sorrowful.

At first, I used to be filled with sadness. It was constant tears; falling to the floor and sobbing until I couldn't breathe.

Then it was emptiness. I had shed all my tears; there was nothing left. I used to bring my hand to my chest, to try to get a feel for something, anything that would make me feel that there was something in the spot where there was beating in my chest. Because I couldn't feel anything inside anymore. What's this? I thought. Sadness was better than this hollowness. At least then I felt something.

When I got back some hope, sadness came along with it and I thought once again... will it ever end? Am I to live like this forever? Will I have to keep fighting myself and this world forever?

Do you know what happens to a kingdom that keeps going to war without winning?

It only gets weaker.

Now I can't fight alone as I am.

I need a shield. I need a weapon.

Do you know what that weapon is?

It's filling me up from inside, within me. It's overflowing through my blood and tightening my muscles. I can feel my fingers shaking because of it so I clench them into a fist. I do it so strongly, it makes my nails press against the skin of my palm. I can feel its sting, but I don't care. I have my shield and my weapon now. It will protect me. Or it will bring everything down with me.

It is anger.

Sadness was only getting the space inside me ready. It was only preparing the kingdom.

Sadness gave way to anger.

To rage.

To hell.

"To hell with you all."

Hey...

You know, injured animals are more vulnerable. They know this fact themselves.

And that's what makes them most vicious.

They're fighting to gratify their anger. Because now they're fighting for life or death.

I lived through my own personal hell.

I lived getting beaten up in my own personal hell.

I wasn't directly bullied by a person in my last life; my tormenter was life itself.

...Do you know how much anger I have against this world? It is an explosive voice, singing and screaming at the top of the lungs.

Have you ever felt like that before?

I have.

Once, an anger had overcome me that I had never felt before. I raised my voice to an extent that it had changed; it sounded like an animal's growl. Uncontrollable tears had stained my face but I was not crying; I was glaring. I don't remember the words I spoke, but I was defending myself against someone who refused to understand me; over and over again, all through my life, this person refused to see me. Until I exploded. And I made sure they saw me then.

Just like I will make sure you all will see me now.

If this is how it is...

I will make you afraid.

So afraid that you'll never dare to touch me again.

I will protect myself.

So everything else can just go to hell.

"Was it you?"

A low voice rang across in the hallway. The maids looked at each other with worry.

"I asked if it was you."

My eyes stared into the ones of the maid who spoke of my flowers withering.

"I said so just now. I was only cleaning-"

At her words, I chuckled. "Cleaning!" My eyes fixed onto the maid and she froze at the look in them. "Cleaning, you say..." My laughter continued, until it became madness.

Ah...

I think I'm finally going crazy.

I want to beat them up. I want to punch something.

I want to see blood.

And that's what I did.

The sparkling earring that the maid was wearing was ripped off and thrown to the floor, where it broke into pieces. Someone spoke up and the sound of a tight slap echoed across the corridor. She held her cheek, and the other held her bleeding ear.

I didn't feel human anymore.

It's like something else had grabbed control of me.

I will protect myself. I will survive.

These words kept repeating in my mind as I laughed at the look on their faces.

I have to be this insane if I don't want to go completely insane.

"It seems being quiet for too long isn't good. You thought it had become a little mouse..."

There was blood on my fingers from when I had ripped off the earring. I wiped it on my dress as I looked back into their eyes, one by one.

"Did you forget what they call me?"

Being practical, handling this in a smart way... making the servants respect me somehow... this wasn't something I knew how to do. If I was that smart, I wouldn't have been a called an incapable failure in my past life. Perhaps someone like the heroine would have been able to do it.

At this thought, my hands clenched again and my eyes flashed.

A failure... an incapable person... trash who takes the easy way out...

"The crazy beast of Ilaria."

The rotten human hated by everyone.

But I don't care. There are other ways to get what I want, even if my hands get dirty. I had long lost hope of being clean and beautiful.

I turned towards the third maid who had only stood frozen as she stared at what was happening.

"Bring the household ledgers. Now." Her eyes trembled. She stumbled back before scurrying away.

"You." The two servants flinched when I finally called out to them in the now empty corridor. "Follow me."

Once we reached the hall, I sat on the couch and leaned back comfortably, one leg over the other. I flipped through the pages in the ledgers and my eyes widened.

"Son of a bitch..."

The three maids standing by flinched at my words.

That bastard of a father has been sending me this much money?

It's enough to buy a new wardrobe every single month if I wanted to!

"This... this is how much you all were taking?"

"M-my lady, the marchioness told us to use the money as we see fit!"

And you saw it fitting that not a single coin made it to the fifteen-year-old daughter of this man?

Bastards...

With this much, Nora should be living a life even better than that of a queen!

But instead...

"Hey." My quiet voice resounded in the room and they jumped at the sound.

"Y-yes, my lady?"

"Gather all the servants of the manor. I want them in the hall right away. All of them."

"B-but right now-" She froze at my glare.

"Don't make me repeat myself."

I made sure to stare right into her eyes, until she looked away and left.

The servants crowded inside the giant hall. I watched them all from my place on the couch, my leg crossed over the other.

"You all have been living quite well." I smiled gently at them. The house ledgers were beside me.

They had no reactions to me. Some glared, some were expressionless, some were confused. They were mumbling and muttering amongst themselves. They acted like I was wasting their time. I noticed Risor standing by quietly, looking at me with worry.

"There isn't a big reason why I called you all here." I stretched my arms, taking my time. "I was just wondering about the condition of my room."

I could see their faces looking at me with irritation.

'That's what you called us here for?'

I continued with a smile.

"There are cobwebs on my ceiling. The cracked mirror hasn't been replaced in months. The floor is dusty and the carpets haven't been cleaned." I put up a finger with each flaw I mentioned. "All this because the servants don't do their jobs."

Their voices of annoyance got louder. I just watched them before I turned towards the little table that had an expensive vase on it. It was absolutely gorgeous; anybody would treasure it. It must have cost incredibly much, as even the servants were afraid to swipe it and sell it off. That beautiful vase with flowers and pink hues was then pushed off the table by me.

It fell to the ground and broke into a thousand pieces. This echo of its destruction was followed by complete silence in the room.

"Who am I?"

The vase had white tulips in it. They symbolized forgiveness. I began to rip off their petals, one by one as I continued to stare at the servants.

"The first daughter of the Marquess Viridis Sollea of Ilaria." The petals kept falling off. I tilted my head. "Unless that bitch kills me off, or I pass it to her daughter, I am the sole heir of Ilaria."

At me referring to my stepmother, the marchioness as 'bitch', the servants flinched. Seeing this, I laughed. "What? Isn't that why she sent me here? Don't you all know?"

I finally turned to look at that one person whose gaze I had been avoiding. "Risor. Please come here."

He walked over towards where I was sat and stood in front of me. I handed him bandages and medicine. Then I motioned towards the maid that was bleeding because I had ripped out her earring. "Please take her to another room and tend to her injury. I'm out of healing stones."

Risor's golden eyes still looked at me with worry and concern; I gave him a soft smile. 'Just trust me,' I wanted to say. He pursed his lips but nodded and left with the maid.

Once his back left the room and the door was shut, the smile vanished from my face.

If he hears what I'm going to say now...

He'd never want to speak to me again. He'd probably hate me for using that sort of weakness. He'd disappear from my side. I frowned.

That won't do.

You were the first one to ever look at me and give me a smile in this world.

You were the only one who gives me any warmth in this world. You can't leave me.

That'd just be troublesome.

It's fine even if I have to lie or hide.

What makes you think I'll just let you go?

I turned back to the servants, this time with the rage running wild in my chest. I couldn't hear them murmuring amongst themselves when I was talking to Risor. 'Her voice changed when she talked to him,', 'It was softer,', 'It was calmer.'

"The marquess may have abandoned me like a stray dog to this mansion," I dusted the petals off my dress. It was time for the bomb. "But what do you think he'll do once he hears of how his daughter is being poisoned by the servants he left me with?"

I watched as their faces paled and a grin naturally came over my lips. I leaned back against the sofa lazily and pulled up the fabric of my sleeve to show them the condition of my arm, which had worsened. It had scarred and bruised; my red skin peeling off in various places. It looked infected.

It was the bath water. They had been mixing it with the essence of a poisonous plant that had skin irritant properties. I found out yesterday when I realized my symptoms matched those described in a plant book.

It was a form of torture.

"Hey, tell me," I probed them happily.

"What punishment do you think the marquess will have prepared for you?"

They all exchanged anxious glances with each other.

"Too slow..." I drawled out with a disappointed sigh. "Alright, I'll try to guess then!"

I pointed at the servant standing at the very corner of the room and he jumped. "You." And I moved my finger across the room, pointing at every single one of them until I reached the last person standing on the opposite side. "Till you." Then I tilted my head and gave another grin. "What will it be? Do you think he'll have your tongues cut? Or make you too bathe in poison? Oh, or will it be your limbs?" Then I tapped my chin with a troubled expression; everyone had begun to tremble; even the ones that were glaring at me now looked worried. It made me smile. They're scared but...

It's still not enough fear. I don't care if I don't get their respect. Fear is enough to dominate them until they leave me alone. Until they dare not touch me again.

"Ah, but don't you think that's too light a punishment for poisoning the daughter of the Marquess of Ilaria? He wouldn't want people to think he's too easy, would he?"

I giggled. "I think he'll kill your own families first. Eye for an eye, you know?"

At this, a few servants fell to their knees, soon followed by everyone. "Please, Lady Eleonora!"

The sounds of their pleas filled the room.

A smile bloomed across my face.