Chapter 29: I'm too weak to let go of this hand. To let go of you.

Sunlight came in glowing spots through the leaves. We sat in the shade of the tree. Fingers were weaving gently through my hair, delicately placing flowers in them; decorating me. I felt the breeze wave softly on my skin and mildly tilted my head to glance at Risor who was kneeling behind me as he braided my hair.

It had started with my playfully placing flowers in his hair and then laughing at him. But still, I wonder how we ended up in this position? One of my hands was held up towards him, holding out the flowers to be placed on me. He picked them tenderly, one by one.

It was so peaceful, and the feel of his touch was so calming, I wanted to close my eyes and just listen for a moment. I didn't have my hair done by others too often. It was a new feeling, to have someone touch me there. But strangely, I didn't mind too much with this boy. He poked my cheek, to turn me back and make me face ahead again and I pouted.

"But how do you know how to do a girl's hair?" I asked him, bringing my knees up and pressing at the grass with my finger; not realizing that my voice sounded a little sulky. Obviously, people of the opposite gender didn't interact all that much in this time period. But Risor and I had long abandoned such customs as we played together in this abandoned garden. Just because there were more people around didn't mean we'd change. Or me. I'm not going to change this. But I'm curious.

"Was she your lover?"

I glanced at Risor again and he gave me a frown, shaking his head.

A flower spoke, and his reply was heard.

"My cousins and I played in the meadow. They taught me how to do it and after that..." He sighed. "Let's just say, I should have been paid for how many times I had to do their hair for them."

I snorted, a laugh sneaking out and Risor gave me small resigned smile. "Well, then it's good that you're used to this. I'm going to request the superior to promote you from gardener to the hairdresser in-charge."

Risor gasped and put his hand on my shoulder to protest and I laughed, leaning around and throwing the flowers at him. They landed on his hair and fell back onto me when he looked down at me and I realized how close we were. We realized it together and stayed frozen for a few beats. I noticed how beautiful the yellow lines and flecks in his golden eyes were as they glowed in the reflecting light of the late morning sun. His hair had grown longer too; flowed down by the corner of his temple. He... was watching me too. It was quiet in that moment, and just then we heard footsteps coming our way. We both turned towards the sound and spotted blood-red hair.

"Ugh, she's found me- uahh?!" A sudden grip pressed on my wrist and Risor brought his finger to his lips. I shut my mouth and he gestured with his head. I followed him, as he still held on to my hand, and we secretly moved away together, behind the bushes. We came onto a place in the estate gardens; it was by the hedges and was full of grass. We were hidden by flowers bushes as we sat together under another tree and I giggled.

"You're an accomplice now. She's going to hate you." I whispered to him and he grinned with a soft shrug. He held out a pink peony that appeared in the air and I gently wrapped my fingers around it's stem, just above his grip.

"I'm sorry. I just... didn't want you to..." He furrowed his brows, thinking to himself. Then he timidly looked up at me. His golden eyes glowed through his dark lashes.

"...You can't leave already."

I tilted my head, unable to contain my smile. "Why's that?"

He pressed the corners of his lips and then leaned forward, as if to make a convincing argument. As if persuading himself as well.

"I wasn't done with your hair yet."

He opened his palm and showed me the little flowers on it.

I nodded, "I'm glad." I reached out my hand towards him, leaning forward. He held his breath. I removed a flower from his hair and held it in front of his wide eyes. A red tinge was flowing up his ears, as well as mine. I spoke softly.

"I'm not done with you either."

When I finally made my way to Avea, she only grudgingly complimented my hair. I felt bad about running away but I should know not to feel bad with that woman. She had her revenge right away!

"My schedule...!" I cried out with horror and then turned towards Avea. "You heartless monster! How am I to even take a breath?"

Avea gave me a small smile, not at all reacting to my words and continued like the emotionless robot she is.

"This humble servant has only done what my honourable lady has asked of me. How hard-working she is, I hold back tears of pride every day. What a blessing it is for this servant to be able to serve such an-"

"Ahhhh, enough, enough!" I shook my head frantically, waving at her as if warding away a bee- no, not just a bee, this woman is an entire ruthless swarm of terror. "I am a patient you know? Shouldn't I be able to rest?"

"The doctor said my lady is perfectly fine. As expected of such a capable mistress, she lets nothing hold her down. What an honour it is for-"

"Alright," I cried out to her, almost tearing up. I thought my father was dramatic, but he couldn't even hold a candle to her if he wanted to. "What a heartless red devil. I am full of regret."

"Regrets make for good stories when one is old, my lady."

"Tch. There are devils of greed, envy, gluttony. This one is the devil of endless chatter. She never stops talking."

"Do my talks bother you, my lady? Do you wish for me to not speak further?" Avea asked me as she came to stand right beside me by the window. I looked up at her from my seat and watched as the sunlight gave her hair a blood-red glow. She's been beside me, taking care of me this entire time. If I was well-rested and healthy, it's because of her.

"...When did I say that?" I muttered, looking away. "Now you're even putting words in my mouth. Evil woman..."

I thought I heard it for sure. Ah, I really did hear it. This devious woman was chuckling at me. Then she coughed to hide it. I bent my head further into my book, strangely embarrassed. I realized we've been talking more these days, about all sorts of useless things.

Just then, the steward knocked and entered, followed by a maid with a serving cart full of teas and snacks. The steward had an announcement.

"I've brought the servant you asked for, my lady."

Another man entered behind him and stood in the room.

I barely stopped myself from baring my teeth in a grin.

The sacrificial lamb has arrived.

I nodded and dismissed the steward as the maid set up the tea table I was sat at.

He bowed quietly and left, shutting the door of the tearoom firmly. The maid went to leave but I stopped her. She was a talkative one. I needed her to see what was about to happen here. The servant stood there, looking at me curiously and I gave him a gentle smile. I pointed at the chair ahead of me with my hand.

"I've called you suddenly. Do sit."

The man's eyes widened, and he shook his head. "No, how could I..."

"I insist. Avea, please pour us some tea."

Avea did as I asked, and the man hesitantly made his way towards the chair. He sat down and I gave him another smile.

"Would you like some sugar?"

He shook his head and I leaned back relaxing into my seat, waiting for the tea to cool.

"Why was I called, my lady?" The man finally asked, and I tilted my head.

"I just wanted to have some tea with you."

I continued to talk as he looked around with confusion, "I've heard a lot about you and your friends." He gazed at me for a moment and I gestured politely once again towards the tea. "It seems you are all hard-working people, but at the same time... you like to joke a lot. It must be fun. Drink." With a muddled expression, he reached out to the perfectly placed teacup in front of him and brought it to his lips. He blew on it and I raised an eyebrow.

"What are you doing. I told you to drink."

He looked at me with wide eyes at my deeper, more deadpan change in tone.

"Did you not hear me?"

"Huh?"

"Drink it."

"It's hot, my lady-"

"Now."

"Lady-"

"What? You don't want to drink because it's almost boiling?" I leaned forward. "Because drinking it will burn your tongue?" I tilted my head back and looked down at him with expressionless eyes. "But isn't that better?"

"After all, I was thinking of cutting it off."

The man flinched and my lip curled into a one-sided smirk.

"What's my name?" I asked him softly.

"...Lady Eleonora."

"You know of me, don't you?"

"Yes, my lady..."

I grinned at him. It was the smile of a villain.

"It's so easy to laugh at someone who can't talk. What was it that you did?" I furrowed my brows, as if trying to remember. "Ah, yes." I donned a bright smile. "You said some really strange things to him with your friends, didn't you? Made sure he heard your words and laughter. And the flowers in the garden... oh, what a pity. Tch tch tch. See, I really don't like people touching my flowers."

You dared to fucking touch Risor and thought I'd just let you go?

What a fucking joke.

The man watched me with a nervous expression.

Him and his group of friends had all troubled Risor, but this one had gone as far as to shove him. He dared lay his hand on him.

"This is the second time someone's touched my precious flowers. Do you know what happened last time?"

I stared at him and he hesitantly shook his head.

"Is that so? I thought you all loved to gossip about Ilaria's mad dog. Hmm. You see, I made them fall to their knees and beg. They were crying and sobbing while I sat there just like how I am sitting now in front of you." I raised my eyebrows at the memory. "How hilarious. You should have seen how pathetic they looked." Then I looked at him, as if to say, 'just like you.'

"W-why are you...?"

"Why am I telling you this? It's so that you know." I leaned back comfortably.

"That your life, nor anybody else's, isn't worth anything at all to me. I can trample on it just as easily as you trampled on those flowers."

I tapped my fingers on the table. It was loud as I added, "So live nicely, will you?"

I had to hold back a laugh at the contradiction of my words. But the man had a serious expression. He nodded frantically in acceptance and I gave him a satisfied smile.

He thought that was it and went to put down his cup. I raised an eyebrow, an irritation in my voice.

"What are you doing?"

"Huh?"

I turned towards Avea with an irritated face. "He's fucking annoying," I muttered to her. Before she could reply, I turned back to him and spoke in a colder voice.

"If you make me repeat myself one more time, I will have your tongue cut off." The cup in his hands began to shake. "Now fucking drink, you damn bastard."

Hearing me cuss was like cold water pouring on him. He quickly took the cup to his lips and drank. I was afraid that the tea might have cooled down too much by now, but seeing him wince and pull away the cup after a touch, I could tell it was still hot. He glanced at me and seeing that I was watching, drank more, until half the cup was empty.

I smiled, satisfied. "How was it?"

He didn't speak, only looked down as he brought his hands to his mouth.

I laughed at him gleefully. "You can't talk, can you?" My laughter got louder. "Oh, how hilarious. He really can't talk! Pfft." I raised my eyebrows and watched him with an excited expression. "Is this how you felt when you laughed at him?"

He looked at me with a conflicted expression, with a glare mixed in. Well, he can hate me. I don't care. I picked up the flower in the small vase on the table and I stretched, feeling accomplished. I looked at the red-haired devil beside me.

"Give him the things please, Avea."

Avea picked up a box on a table nearby and handed it to him, as well as a glass of ice water that we had prepared. He quickly drank the water while I explained the contents of the box to him.

"It's got some sugar and honey in it, as well as ice cubes. Use them if it hurts a lot. Obviously, any fool would know to avoid hot or warm drinks now, but you seem to have lesser common sense so I'll say it anyway. And if you have trouble tasting things, don't worry, within two weeks your taste buds would have regenerated."

The man watched me silently. I smiled kindly at him as I caressed the flower.

"Yes. I gave you the wound, as well as the medicine. Aren't I nice?"

I wiped the smile off my face.

"You may go."

Before the man stood up and I spoke again.

"Remember what happened here and tell your friends."

I stared into his eyes as a dark wave of death swept over the petals of the flower in my hand. It withered to the stem and fell to the ground in ashes.

"Only I can ruin my flowers."

After he and the maid left, I turned toward Avea with a strange face.

"I was despicable but I feel accomplished."

"You are very solicitous about the young man, my lady."

I snorted. "Of course. I promised him I would protect him. I am unreliable but this is a promise I don't wish to break."

"Would you have really cut off his tongue?"

I looked at Avea. Her reddish-brown eyes were curiously looking into my own. A smirk tilted a corner of my lips.

For Risor?

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"Nora." A familiar muffled voice was heard along with a knock at the door.

"Dad!" My eyes widened and I stood up. "Please come in."

The door opened and my father gave me a bright smile. He'd been living with me in the estate for the past few days. We've been catching up on lost time, but it was also to keep me safe until we found out who it was that had attacked me. Right after Caeles took me away, the attackers teleported mid-fight, randomly. Obviously, they didn't have the power to do it themselves, which meant that they all were marked by a high-ranking stone-handler. And such stone-handlers mostly worked for the imperial family, dukes, or marquesses who were pretty much almost as powerful as dukes.

...Of course, I did think about Alair Villin. Although he wasn't a higher noble, he was secretly the master of an extremely powerful hidden organization. Such a thing would be a piece of cake for him. But it doesn't make sense for him to attack me, does it? At least, not unless he suspects that I know something...

But then that would make even lesser sense. I know Alair better than anyone in this world. No, really. The author of the book must have liked him a lot, because a lot of useless details about him were always mentioned, almost like the writer was writing fanfiction about their favourite celebrity. Ah... seriously. Anyway, because I know so much, I also know Alair's modus operandi. He would have approached me first to try to understand the extent of my information, and he'd try to learn where I got my knowledge from so that he could crush any possible leaks like a cockroach under his foot. So I couldn't believe yet that the villain of the book is targeting me, which was a relief in itself, but also worrying because it meant that... I don't actually know who it was that tried to attack me or why. There's also the possibility of the group being a rogue organization in itself and I just happened to fall into their trap at the night of the exhibition. Ah... what a pain.

And that's why, I've been put under protection. Under my father's watchful eye. I am not to leave the house unless I am with him, my trusty bodyguard. It was new and kind of strange having him exert this rule, but of course I could understand; it was about my life and he was going to make sure that I am protected. Not to mention... I am used to such rules. My real father was a control-freak. He was rather manipulative, actually. Whenever I had to go out with my friends, I had to get permission from him, as well as tell him with who I am going with and for how long. Many times, it took a huge toll on me to persuade him to let me go, and answering all the questions was unnerving, especially when my group of friends had boys in it. I had to lie sometimes, which put a bad taste in my mouth and soon enough... going out seemed like too much of a bother. So I just ended up staying at home by myself. I didn't even realize how this was me being manipulated and isolated. It was just me; my mom was in the same situation and we couldn't rely on anyone anymore. We became isolated just like that.

So yes, I am used to such rules and I am used to obeying them. But this was the first time I truly understood the person implementing them. It was the first time I wasn't bound so that I could be controlled. But... maybe in his own way, my real father also wanted to truly protect me. Well... too bad. The method just fucked me up.

He walked forward towards me and held out his hand. Slowly, and a little confused, I softly placed it on his palm and he gently wrapped his fingers around mine, his smile growing wider. I looked at him a little helplessly. I... really never knew how to react to this man. He was like some hero in a Victorian romance novel. He was full of the emotion of love and so full of pretty words. I don't know how my mother managed to compose herself around him. I'd be too shy and frazzled, as I am right now. He... really doesn't hold back his love, huh? He endlessly complimented my hair, to the point I didn't even have any words.

I smiled back at him and he leaned forward with excitement. "My daughter, are you free this moment?"

Ah!

This is my chance!

Before the red devil behind me could open her mouth, I jumped in.

"Yes! I am completely free!" I matched his excitement and tightened my grip on his hand.

I heard Avea sigh behind me and linked my arms with my father; ecstatic that today's schedule was so easily forgotten.

Preparations were made, and we set out on a carriage, followed by Ilarian knights and a few servants.

"Where are we going?" I tilted my head curiously. Mr Viridis- it was still a bit hard to refer to him as my dad- smiled softly at me. He picked up a tangerine from the fruit basket that was beside him as he talked.

"I heard that my daughter has been working hard. It also must have been difficult for you to stay inside for so long." He began to peel the fruit and I noticed that he had really pretty hands. I looked down at my own to see if they looked alike. "So I am taking my dearest to a place where she can relax. Forget about your troubles, and enjoy yourself." He held out the peeled tangerine to me, and I timidly took it from him, feeling a soft warmth in my chest at this consideration.

"Thank you," I murmured as I bit into it, feeling the burst of flavour fill my tongue. It was sweet.

We reached a sort of marketplace. It wasn't the one I once met Rezel in; it seemed that there were a lot more nobles in this place. It must be some sort of tourist place. Mr Viridis escorted me down the carriage.

"Ilaria's treasury is all yours, my dear Nora," he told me as he swung his arm, gesturing to all the shops and I gave him a look of alarm.

"I don't think that's a responsibility I'm ready for, really," I mumbled and he chuckled.

"Responsibilities are mine, my dear. All you have to do is take advantage."

I paused for a moment, just watching him. Then I spoke, "Aren't you spoiling me a bit too much?"

He raised his eyebrows. His vivid emerald eyes sparkled in that moment, and I realized again how amazing it is that my father is also a character with jewel eyes. He bent towards me and placed his lips against my temple.

"I'm afraid that part is never going to change."

As he moved back, I felt my heart tremble with a new emotion. It felt light, and so free. I felt an energy come through to me, and felt a sort of... confidence. The smile on my lips came so easily as I looked at him and he too gazed at me.

The father and daughter duo made their way to wreak havoc together at the shops.

I tried many new dresses, to the point it even got tiring but seeing me in his picked clothes made the old man too happy so I continued. But I also got my revenge.

"Goodness, Nora. How many more?" He whined from behind the partition where he was getting changed with the help of the workers. I sat comfortably on the couch as I waited for him, nibbling on grapes.

"Now, don't you remember how many dresses you had me try on? You can do it! It makes me happy to see you in the clothes I picked for you." I spoke, a satisfied grin teasing at my lips as I said the same words that he'd told me back at the other shop when I'd complained at how he just kept picking at any pretty dress he saw.

"You... just like your mother! You both know just how to play me like a violin. Manipulative girls!"

I chuckled softly. "Not at all. I thought you were doing this because you liked my smile, just as I liked yours."

But it was true. I didn't know how I could already be so comfortable with him, to drop my reserve so easily. Maybe it's because he said I wasn't capable of making him hate me.

I... still couldn't just trust that. So I dropped my act. So that he doesn't have any expectations from me from the start. So that he knows not to expect me to be some sweet, well-mannered girl that can make him proud. It was selfish, but I had to do it. I had to protect myself.

If he... if this man as well expects things from me, only for me to end up disappointing him... if such a thing happened again... how would I be able to take it? So I made sure he knows how I really am. But I didn't expect it to be so...

Fun.

He... really hasn't disapproved of me. He acted like my selfishness is so natural. That he expects me- no, that he wants me to be selfish with him. So that he can always provide.

The man moved around the partition and appeared in my view. I opened my mouth in surprise and he grumbled at me.

"How do I look...?"

I stood up and walked towards him. Seeing me, he reluctantly let go of his frown and smiled as well, holding out his hand. I took it and we both turned towards the mirror.

I'd finally let go.

The mirror showed Eleonora wearing a shimmering pear green dress, embroidered with brown and gold threads. Viridis stood beside her, in a fancy brown Georgian suit; it's vest and sides were shimmering with golden floral brocade. They looked as natural as the colours of nature.

We met each other's eyes in the mirror. A tender smile.

After that, we were making our way back to the carriage, passing by the various shops. There were cafes, restaurants, clothes shops, as well as toys, furniture... all sorts of things. Birds fluttering in golden cage stands caught my eye and I subtly raised my eyebrows, letting out a soft sigh.

I wonder why we relate so much to caged birds. I wonder why we end up having to live like that.

My father helped me into the carriage and then called over his valet to say something to him, after which he joined me inside with a happy grin.

"I had fun today," I told him honestly. I really did.

"You speak as if it's ended," he replied and I tilted my head, leaning against the side as the carriage began to move.

I had to quieten down because of my motion sickness. I thought we were going back to the estate, because we had already spent so much time together. The filled up carriages behind us were proof of that. But when our ride stopped and I opened my eyes, we were at some sort of forest-y garden, with a lot of greenery and beautifully carved paths. My eyes widened and I looked at Mr. Viridis.

"I told you that you'll get to relax today, my dear." His smile reached his bright green eyes, crinkling at their corners.

We got down and a spot was prepared for us; a carpet laid out with baskets of delicious food. And the sight took my breath away. For the first time, I truly felt my urge for a camera return with an immense intensity. I almost felt regretful. Almost, because it was a moment too beautiful to feel anything but wonder.

The lake reflected the green of the trees surrounded it, and we both walked on a garden path created in the lake, like a bridge. It led to a circular spot near the middle of the lake, where our picnic was laid out. When we sat down together, it felt surreal, being surrounded by the water like that. It's like we were floating.

I kept admiring everything around me with wide eyes and my father laughed at my expression. "It isn't prettier than you, my dear," He spoke sweetly, and I ignored him as well as my happy burning ears, as I bit into a slice of flavoured bread.

We talked for a bit, and he told me about Ilaria. I told him about my lessons, and didn't forget to whine a little, at which he chuckled. He told me it was nice to talk like this, and how I agreed. How I agreed.

When we finished with our food, and it was all cleaned up, we sat relaxing and watching the scenery. He'd told me I'd get to relax today and he really made sure it happened. I pulled my knees to my chest and looked at him from the corner of my eye. He was watching the lake and I noticed how his eyes were greener than the waters. He caught me looking and turned towards me.

"Are you tired, love?"

I shook my head and he sighed in relief. "Good. Because there's more."

He signalled to his valet and I tilted my head, wondering about what he meant.

Soon, a bunch of servants walked towards us and I gasped at the sight.

"What is this..." My voice was a shocked whisper and he chuckled, satisfied.

Sounds of birds filled the area as their cages were brought to us. It looked like all the birds I'd seen in the pet shop we'd passed by.

"What did you do?" I asked him and he picked up a small cage, gently caressing a bird with his finger. He looked up at me with a tender expression and held out the cage towards me.

"Set it free."

My hands reached out towards the golden cage and I looked at him with uncertainty. He gestured towards the multiple designed bird cages that were set down around us.

"Set them all free."

He bought them all... all the birds in the shop that I'd looked at. He bought them just to set them free.

"...You're crazy," the whisper left my lips before I could stop it and he laughed.

"You mother often said that to me," he stroked my head and I looked down at the bird in my lap.

My hand felt the metallic lines of the cage. The bird in it tilted its head, twittering and fluttering. I felt something heavy in my throat as I looked at it.

A breath left my nose as a thought came to my mind.

All the people in this book are crazy. They don't make sense.

They feel everything so deeply. They do things that they want to.

...Maybe they're more real than us.

I tilted my head back at the bird and whispered something under my breath.

"Maybe it isn't so bad. Just acting crazy."

I opened the door of the bird cage and gently picked up the bird, holding it carefully in both my hands.

Swallow, Swallow, little Swallow.

I brought my lips closer to it and spoke under my breath. As if I was whispering to myself.

Do as I command you.

"Just live. Nothing matters... But I hope you find something. Just live."

The bird fluttered out my palm and jumped graciously into the air.

I looked at my father with a smile as I gestured towards the flying bird.

"It must be nice to have wings."

We turned to free another bird and I thought quietly to myself,

'All I know is how to drown.'

'Who are you?' 'I am the Happy Prince.'

'Why are you weeping then?'

Nothing matters. Nothing matters. Nothing matters.

Not everyone might understand this.

These are words that float around in the mind of a person that knows despair.

'Does it matter?' They think bitterly to themselves as they let go of everything. Let go of thoughts, morals, rules, laws and let go of themselves. After all, does it matter?

Sometimes, you get locked out in the cold. Sometimes, no one arrives to save the drowning you, no matter how much you call for help. Your suffering is invisible, and people only see the result of your suffering: your deviant actions. It doesn't matter who or what made you that way. The only question they care to ask is why are you like that? No, the drowning you calls for help but no one sees that you're drowning; only that you are noisily creating the ripples in the water, disturbing their peace.

Is it because you have to save yourself? You need to learn how to survive?

...Why is that, I wonder?

What kind of fool looks at a drowning person and says, 'Save yourself. I won't do it for you.'

The person is drowning. You still care about such things?

...Just save them. They're pleading for help. Can't you forget the rules; they were made by pigs anyway.

Shit.

The whole world's gone mad.

...What are my feelings worth?

A tear fell from my eye and I sighed. What erratic thoughts... they don't make sense and I don't even know how they lead to this. Fuck, I hate not having a healthy mind.

"What is it!" The man beside me cried out in dramatic shock and for some reason, he made me laugh.

"I'm just like this sometimes." I really hate on the world sometimes.

He reached his arms out to me and I murmured to him as I was wrapped in them.

"Even though I'm like this..." I shut my eyes tightly as I asked him with a lump in my throat. "You'll always like me, right?"

He stroked my head gently and I realized my flowers were probably a mess now. "Like?"

He laughed softly, closed lips.

"I'll love you to death."