Chapter 33: I'm glad I drank. I got to talk to you.

I watched the car lights reflect off my bedroom wall, creating a shadow dance. An uncomfortable chill slid across my skin, so I rolled myself closer to him. We both still hadn't put our clothes on, and I felt him closer than ever. I buried my nose in his neck and he breathed out. He turn his head towards me a little and I felt his dark hair tickle my face.

"You're awake?" I murmured and he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me closer. I felt shy for a moment, even though we've done this so many times before. But it was only for a moment, and I happily put my arms around him as well.

"Hey, Rosie..."

His voice was deep, and a little croaky. I peeped at him with a half open eye. I could barely see the highlights in his hair in the darkness of the room. Sometimes, he'd put some eye-make up as well, usually matching the burgundy dye in his hair tip. Band boy. It's what we called him, in our little friend group. My band boy. It's what only I could call him in our group.

"Hmm?" I replied with a sleepy tone.

"You know..."

"I know what?" His fingers that were gently combing through my hair suddenly stopped, and he looked like he was in some deep thought. His eyebrows furrowed just a little, and now I opened my eyes to focus on him.

"Well... you know how the universe, or the earth is actually in a constant state of darkness, and the day only exists because of the sun?"

"...Woah. That's a bomb you're dropping on me."

"No, like... the day only starts because of the sun, and we're all just in a natural state of darkness, that only disappears for the moment the sun arrives, you know?"

"Yeah... that's crazy to think about."

"I was thinking, Rosie..."

"What were you thinking about, love?"

"I was thinking how... well, my universe, my life, my world... my earth was just like that... existing in the dark and..."

"..."

"And then I met you, Rosie."

There was silence in the dark room, and in that moment, a car's headlight flashed across the window. In that moment, I saw the depth of his eyes that were looking at me. He didn't even blink.

"I was living in the darkness, and then you became my sun, Rosie."

I groaned, waking up from my sleep. The lavender lace canopy greeted my and my first expression of the day was a huge frown.

Why'd I suddenly think of my past life?

I was in a sleepy daze when I opened my eyes and somehow my brain just decided to take me on a trip through memory lane. No, for what? I could have gone this entire second life without thinking about that guy, you know.

It's so funny how people tell you the sweetest words, only to break your heart so easily later.

I felt mad at myself for thinking about him. But this anger... this irritation also had another reason. The stupidest reason ever, and I couldn't believe myself that I was feeling this way.

Who is whose sun?

No, that time, why did he say those words to me? Does it make any sense that I could be his, or anyone's, sun? I was darkness itself, I didn't even turn on the lights in my own room when I lazed about in my bed. If anything, I was the farthest from any light. Until I met him. Shit, that sounds so pathetic now.

But it's true.

"You're always in this room. No wonder you're getting sick!"

My mother barged through my room early in the morning and opened my blinds. She looked at me with an angry glare. Every morning, the first thing she'd show to me was this look that reminded me I was a failure.

"Your aunt told me about a summer camp. You're going and I'm signing you up today."

My protests fell on deaf ears. As usual.

The camp was just a place for kids to hang out, really. There were some classes we could go to, to learn instruments, art, etc. But some kids just hung out to smoke together. I thought about joining them many times, but I was stopped by my social anxiety, and the fact that I can't handle smoke, for shit. So in the cafeteria, I'd try my best to fit in. Because I hated... I hated letting people know that I wasn't okay. It was embarrassing, and awkward, and most people didn't understand anyway. I'd put on my happy face, and socialize to my best. It was fucking tiring. I wished it came naturally to me.

Then I heard talk about how there was this boy that was making a wave amongst the music lovers. His playing was just next level. And, quite importantly, he was cute.

I thought he was interesting. He used to have this subtle eyeshadow on his lids, and it looked so fucking good on him. With the neon highlights in his hair, he looked ready for his stage. We didn't exactly get to talk much, because obviously. Why would I have any reason to talk to him? So my thoughts on him were mostly about his great fashion sense and how he had a really nice smile when he talked to people. I was also a little envious; he talked so well.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't fantasized about him talking to me. It was just for a minute before I caught myself. What am I doing? I had long ago given up hope on having any romantic relationships. The people around me just weren't the type. Everyone felt so... materialistic? Not cheap, exactly but... Maybe I just couldn't imagine me giving myself, or really opening up to someone. And vice-versa. I had no energy to get anyone to open up to me anymore, and nor could I be bothered to truly take care of someone. I wasn't fit for a relationship with anyone, and no one around me was fit for a relationship with someone like me. So that fantasy I had of him looking at me, smiling at me and talking to me? I squashed it within a minute.

But then I saw him perform that night. I saw him on stage, and how he carried himself, and I saw his presence, his eyes, his smile. I thought in that moment... am I really seeing him? I couldn't believe my eyes. There was a beating in my chest. It was of excitement. I'd loved the music. I'd felt alive. It was a stage performance with his band, and I'd screamed and cheered along with the crowd.

After that, I had a harder time stamping out those scenarios in my head. Yes, it was harder, but I did it anyway. I didn't want myself to get all weird. Somehow, his group's table was next to mine in the cafeteria. But it wasn't much use anyway; he always sat with his back towards me. Sometimes, I could hear his laugh mixed in with the rest of the group's and sometimes, two friends in my group with make signals, wanting to listen into their conversations. The rest of us would roll our eyes, or giggle, but we'd quieten anyway, and lean our ears subtly. It was exciting to be next to them.

Once, during breakfast, I stood in line and realized he was ahead of me. He used the tongs to pick up the toast and then turned towards me, jokingly pinching them together and he asked me if I wanted some toast as well. I was caught off guard and nodded. He placed the toast on my plate, and I muttered out a thank you with a smile. He returned a smile to me and that was it for our first interaction. I thought about it needlessly, and was annoyed with myself. I should have spoken more. I should have maybe tried to have a conversation; I mean that was a great chance. Then I realized what I was doing. A great chance? I laughed to myself. For what?

From then, it became too easy to spot him when I entered the cafeteria. I was so disappointed in myself, so I tried myself not to let my gaze wander towards him. Even when the topic of him and his band would come up in conversations with my friends, I'd turn quiet; but it's not like anyone noticed anyway. Just me. I groaned to myself. I tried not to let my gaze wander to him, not to look at him. But what could I do? For some reason...

He'd now switched his seat, changing to the opposite side. Between the shoulders of my two friends that sat across me, our eyes connected. I ignored it. I didn't even give him a smile. I was startled. It kept happening. I kept looking up, and we'd be laughing, or talking, we'd be doing anything but it kept happening in these moments. Our eyes would keep meeting, and I'd feel my heart jump everytime.

"Hey. Rose, right?"

I felt my face burn red. I was standing in line in the cafeteria, and he'd come to stand behind me.

"Uh... yeah." I didn't even know how to act. I tried to get myself together. I gave him a smile. "But my friends usually call me Rosie."

That... was normal, right?

He grinned at me. "Nice to meet you, Rosie."

"You too." We walked forward in line and I picked up the tongs this time. "You, uh... want some toast?"

"Kind of you." He smiled, leaning his plate closer to me and I obliged, realizing how shit. I forgot to ask him his name.

Well, I obviously knew it already, but he's going to think I'm so self-centred for not asking!

He thanked me and I tried to make conversation this time. I thought of how my group was just talking about how the music professor keeps asking him to stay back to perform for other classes. "Your playing is so amazing. I heard the music professor is obsessed with you."

Shit. Is this conversation too generic? Should I have said I was a fan?

"Oh," He laughed. "He just knows how much I like to play."

I realized what a stupid thing I said to him. It mustn't have been easy to reply to that, but he was still so modest about it and what a great answer... Ah... he talks so well. How could I even compare. Before I could mess it up even more, he added.

"What classes do you attend?"

I was surprised he was asking me a question. I felt a useless flutter in my chest. It was micro, tiny, but it existed.

"Oh me... I just... I actually just wander around..." I spoke sheepishly, feeling mortified at myself. "I just... classes aren't really my thing." I mumbled with a smile and he nodded.

"You must know the area well by now?" He continued with another question, and I thought maybe I was thinking too much.

"Ah," I laughed, "I do actually. I usually take the bicycles for hire and just go around so... yeah."

"Ooo, that sounds fun," he said with raised eyebrows, and I noticed he leaned forward a little. It made his words seem so genuine. We'd now finished taking our food and... oh goodness. He continued to walk right beside me as we made our way to our tables. I somehow managed to nod in agreement at him and he grinned at me. "You know, I usually spend my time in class, or playing music so I didn't get to go around much. I heard the lake is really pretty, with a few swans."

"Oh!" I nodded enthusiastically, knowing what he was talking about. "It is! It's very pretty, and the swans aren't noisy either; it's got ducks, and goose too and they just float around. It's quite calming, especially when there's some shade... from the clouds, you know. It's nice."

His grin widened at my words. "That sounds so nice. You should take me there sometime."

I nodded before even realizing what he'd said. Then my mind just froze for a second, but by then he'd already waved at me and made his way back to his table. I tried to nonchalantly sit down with my tray, but I already knew how awkward my movements were, and my face was burning up. My group reacted to what had just happened, but it was forgotten soon enough. We all knew he was always nice to everyone.

After getting to talk to him, I thought my heart would go wild, and I'd be in trouble, for some great reason, it had calmed down. When I thought about him now, I didn't feel too rattled up, although I regretted my words over and over again. Man, I wish I could talk well! It's so embarrassing to think about that moment. And I thought about it a lot.

He said he wanted me to take him there. As in he wanted to... hang out with me? Really?

These thoughts excited me at first. But then I realized it was unlikely. He'd only said that in the moment; he didn't mean it, obviously.

So then why... why is he beside me again as I stand in the line of the cafeteria?

"Hey," he said, coming up to me. He didn't pick up a plate, and just moved along the line empty-handed as my brain struggled to respond appropriately to him, at the same time as I tried to get some food on my plate.

Did he stand in line just to talk to me?

"Hi!" I smiled at him. I was going to do the usual chatter, ask him if he's been well, but before I could-

"Do you have any classes today?" He asked me as I put some hash browns on my plate.

"Huh? Oh, I don't really... why, what about you?"

At my words, he grinned. "That's great!" He took the tongs from my hand, surprising me and placed a toast on my plate as he spoke. "I have class, but I wanna take a break. You free to go to the lake?"

Oh, I froze. In that moment, I felt a heat surge through me, and perhaps I blanked out for a moment. He placed two mini butter portions on my plate, along with some jam, even Nutella. Then he looked at me for my answer.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I can." I nodded, and realized my stuff was sliding around in my plate so I balanced it again. "You uh, wanna rent a bike or you wanna walk?"

"Let's walk next time. I feel like biking today," he smiled at me and boom, that was another bomb wasn't it? Next time? Next time?

I nodded again and now we were out of the line, walking towards our tables again. "It'll be fun. What time?"

He grinned as if he was waiting for me to ask that and took out his phone from his pocket. "How about I text you?"

Shit. Is this really happening?

That's how it began. It happened in that summer. No, we didn't begin to date or anything. There were moments but... yeah, there were some of the best moments of my life, and everything felt so amazing with him. I sometimes caught myself thinking too much, but it was also so nice anyway.

He was... different from what I imagined. As in... he was sadder than he looked. He told me about his family. His friends. He told me about his life. I told him about mine. We... we talked so much. And he listened to me. As in, he really listened to me. I felt heard with him. He knew how to reply. He knew what to say. Not everytime, but even that was nice. It was comforting. It was hard at first, trying to catch up to him. But he really didn't care. He was fine with me. He sought me out sometimes, and I could never understand why. But the butterflies in my chest fucking partied all the time because of him.

After the months were up, we all went back to our homes, away from each other. All of us friends decided to keep in touch. I had intended to do that. I really did.

But I just got worse. I got worse.

For some reason, I began to procrastinate on replying. Everyone got busy with school, and exams as this was our last year before we went off to university. Everybody's chats were slow but... mine soon became non-existent. Then I'd see messages piling up, all the ones I'd for some stupid reason failed to reply to... and they just kept piling up. I'd wanted to delete my chat apps after some time. I disappeared and soon, all incoming messages dried up. I was forgotten. And I did this to myself. I don't even know why. I myself don't know why. All I had to do was type a little. A few taps on my screen. I only had to do that but I couldn't bring myself to.

Anxiety can do that sometimes. It stops you from doing the easiest things.

Then, in random moments of the year-

Ding!

Hey rosie. Hope you're keeping well.

I wasn't. I was crying. I only saw his messages from the notifications, never pressing them open.

Ding!

I'm keeping strong rosie. Because of what you said to me.

What are you even saying... Well, I'm happy for you.

Ding!

Rosie, guess what! I had a mini concert today!

...That sounds nice.

Ding!

I wonder how you're doing?

Why do you keep texting me...? I never reply. Everyone else has stopped. You're so weird.

Ding!

I wrote a song today. I'll send you the audio.

...Stop. Stop texting me. You just remind me of... what I was.

Ding!

Take your time, Rosie. I'll wait for you.

...Ah. You're a pain. Why are you doing this? I don't understand.

Ding!

I miss you.

I got drunk. I stole some of my father's liquor and drank it, late at night when everyone was asleep. I got tipsy, and finally opened all my messages. I opened his last. His were the most.

I texted him, and apologized to him. I told him of my anxiety and I told him I never meant to do that. I told him how his messages arrived with such amazing timings. It's like he knew when I was suffering. I told him I always read them from the notifications.

Before the night even ended, he was replying to me.

Ding!

Rosie!

Ding!

It's alright. I understand. It's okay.

Ding!

I'm so happy you texted me! I knew you could read them, so I never stopped. Thank you for replying! It's fine even if you didn't. I'm gonna be here. I'll listen to you Rosie. Don't hate yourself. Do what you need to do for yourself first. I love you so much.

Ah...

I laughed to myself. Shit. Don't be so nice. I don't know how to be nice back.

I really... don't understand you. How can you not want for anything? How can you react like this? I wasn't there for you. You probably needed me too. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't better to you. How can you treat me like this...? You're really weird. You're really amazing. I'm sorry. Thank you. Thank you so much.

You're crazy.

Thanks for being crazy.

I needed it.

I wished I could just go back to chatting normally with him after that, but it took a long time. And by then, it was time for us to make our way to university. And I didn't expect to see him there.

We'd somehow ended up in the same damn university. It felt like a fucking sign from the universe. I'll never forget that moment. That shock. That tight hug. That moment.

After that, it's like we both fell flat. Down we went, into each other. It was perhaps the best time of my life, those moments with him.

"I love you, Rosie."

Just... shut up.

My anger at the memories exploded within me. The potted plant by my dresser withered and died in an instant, falling to the ground in pieces.

Just like I fell into that pool.

***

Just a chapter going a bit into Rose's past life. But don't worry lol the rest of the chapters will resume with Nora's life! Thank you for reading!