Chapter 9: The only witness to my despair.

Dark hair swaying gently in the breeze as he bent towards the flowers, growing life in his hands. His golden eyes shining down like the sun on the leaves.

Seeing him with that tender gesture every day, he'd continued to grow on me. It would be nice if you could be my male lead, I'd thought. It would have been funny, don't you think? The Marquess' mad dog and the traitorous family's ex-noble.

But I snapped out of my thoughts. That was a rude thought and... it's too early for someone like me to have crushes. Maybe one day, if I survive this hellish house, and fate, I could search for someone.

...So I really want to survive.

Softly, my feet carried me to his side. I hadn't come by for the last two days; he probably thought I'd given up.

So when I quietly crouched down beside him, he didn't move away, and instead, his eyes looked into mine with surprise.

I gave him the best smile I could manage with my drained energy. His eyebrows furrowed. I was thinking a lot about if I should wear make-up and look more appealing, or try to gain some pity with this pathetic worn-out face of mine, and decided to aim for his commiseration. It's not like make-up would help much anyway.

I opened my mouth to speak, but what was I expecting? He immediately stood up to leave. "No, please!" Caught in a desperate panic, I grabbed his arm. "I need your help!"

In the next moment, my hand fell back to my side with a violent slap. I could only stare wide-eyed at the man who'd pushed away my touch like he'd been electrocuted.

"I... I..." I hadn't expected that.

I knew he didn't like me, and it was my fault for touching him...

...but to react to that extreme?

...Like I was some disease.

For a moment, an expression of guilt crossed his face but it faded just as quickly. I watched his back helplessly as he walked away.

No, I can't let this go... I really need his help. What can I tell him so he'll stay?

Shit, this hurts.

"I..." I spoke loudly. Anything. I have to say anything. The truth spilled out.

"I'm going to die."

He stopped... I quietly breathed a sigh of relief and watched with hopeful eyes, waiting for him to turn around.

But he didn't.

He continued to walk.

As if he couldn't care less if I died or lived.

I blinked in shock, staring up at his back from my place on the ground, a self-mocking laugh bubbling in me. Or maybe it was a cry.

Of course.

Of course that fucker wouldn't give a shit.

Ah, shit, this hurts. They're all making me feel worthless here. Is this how it's going to be? Once again, will my only salvation end up being Cassian?

Then I'll end up dead again.

I clenched my fists and grit my teeth.

If that's how it's going to be, should I beg?

Yeah, I'll go beg the ex-noble. This is about my life. He doesn't owe me anything; he doesn't have to help me but maybe if I beg, he'll soften.

I quickly stood up from where I was crouching and ran after him.

"In the year when I turn 20, I'm going to die."

All alone, in the dark.

"I don't want to die. I want to live. Please, I need your help. I have the same powers as you so just enough- just teach me enough so that I can protect myself. Please, Mister Risor."

He flinched at me calling his name but continued to leave. At some point I stopped walking cause I realized.

That it was no use. No one's going to help me.

In this way, just as it was fated, Cassian would be the only one I will be able to rely on.

I laughed to myself, feeling my eyes sting. Risor disappeared into the mansion.

Ah, honestly... what a shitty situation.

If it was going to end up like this anyway, why did you put me in this life?

I turned around and began to walk, trying to stop my tears from falling. Walking around with a crying face now would just be so pathetic. I didn't want to go back to my room and answer the question the flowers ask with a bright and hopeful voice every time: 'Are you and Risor friends yet?'

I laughed. Friends? That guy couldn't care less if I dropped dead right now. Would anyone?

No, whatever. I'll just have to care for myself then. I'll care for Nora.

Speaking high words to myself, I walked to the back of the mansion, through a bunch of trees. I had found this place while exploring before. It was a little clearing of grass on a small cliff, surrounded by trees, just enough to be the same size as the backyard of a moderate sized house.

If this was back in the 21st century, the sight below me would have been full of city lights, but all I could see now from this high up were roofs of houses and little clouds of smoke from chimneys.

I sat in silence, before the burden on my heart overwhelmed me and I lay down. The clouds were pretty today so I covered my eyes with my arm.

I bit my lip as a tear slid down my cheek. It's all starting to get really pitiful. I wasn't even spiteful at being treated this way. I'd just come to expect it now.

I knew that self-pity is ugly but... just this moment...

I just really wanted to cry at how pathetic my life has become.

Shit, why is the sun so bright today? This nice weather is annoying.

Everything is fucking annoying.

I was acting so high and mighty just a while ago, going on about how I will survive, and how I want to live.

Whatever, I'll come up with another plan. I will.

***

The sound of birds tweeting outside was the only sign that day had arrived; my room was drenched in darkness, as if it were still the late hours of night.

It's been three days since I went to Risor, and I couldn't think of anything.

I stared at the candle lit up in front of me. The yellow orange flames flickered; the blinking reminded me of the heartbeat throbbing in my chest. On the wall, I watched my lonesome shadow dance.

Am I to live like this forever?

Will I ever be able to leave this body and be myself again?

I laughed self-deprecatingly. When I was Rose, I wished countless times that I could be someone else, but now that I am...

It's so bloody annoying.

I looked at my hands. These fingers were so strange.

"Irritating," I whispered. "I used to be fond of my hands..." but now these were someone else's.

I moved 'my' fingers. This isn't like my body at all.

My gaze flickered back to the candle and I reached out to the flames.

Hissss!

I whimpered in pain, flinching back. Of course that would hurt, but I wanted to deny my reality.

Burying my face angrily into my pillow, I let out a scream. Whether it was of anger, frustration or grief... I really couldn't tell anymore.

The only witness to my despair were my flowers and these rotten walls.

When I woke up later, my body was more infuriating than usual; as if punishing me for rejecting it.

"I'm so fucking itchy," I grumbled to myself, scratching at my arms again. I had developed a sort of severe rash and it wasn't getting better.

"Are you dirty?" the carnations asked me and if they didn't sound so innocent, I would have sent them a harsh glare. Ah, would they be able to see it anyway?

"I bathe every day. By the way, you can't see, can you?"

"I can feel what's around me."

"Good for you. Even if I make a really rude face at you, you wouldn't get hurt."

"I don't get hurt anyway."

"What do you mean?" I tilted my head and took a seat in front of them, preparing for another interesting conversation with my friends.

"Yellow carnations. I told you what meaning humans have given to me, right?"

Disdain, disappointment and rejection. Cassian's message to Nora.

I grimaced. "Yeah, I remember, sweetie."

"Don't worry. I couldn't care less what your kind thinks of me."

Huh?

I widened my eyes at the uncharacteristically sharp voice coming from the usually saccharine-toned flowers.

"Isn't that great? I only care about what I believe myself to be. I choose to be happy. And you tell me I'm pretty and sweet every day, so that's enough for me!"

My gaze softened and a smile bloomed across my lips. I took a finger to the petals and brushed it against them lovingly.

"How strong you are," I whispered. I also want to live like a flower.

"I am." The flowers responded proudly, glowing in the sunlight coming through the window. I averted my eyes and stood up. You probably told me about this to encourage me, but I'm really not that strong dear.

"I'm going to go take a walk. All this itching is probably cause I stay cooped up in here all the time."

I changed into a comfortable dress; an old, worn out looking one. An outfit that wasn't something a daughter of a marquess would ever wear. But it suited me, didn't it?

I laced up my short tattered leather boots and bid a farewell to the flowers, leaving quietly back to my secret hideout.

I gave a self-deprecating smirk at the sky as I sat down on the grass. Why the fuck is the weather always so good whenever I'm in a bad mood? I'm starting to miss cloudy skies. Whenever the heroine is sad, the skies cry along with her.

Ah, that's right...

It was a good day even that time... the day I drowned. It's like the sky is always celebrating my misfortune.

The most pathetic thing is that I don't even remember how I ended up drowning. Did I just fall? Did someone push me? Or...

Did I jump?

But no. I shook my head. I know that I was getting better.

Haah...

I sighed and looked down at my hands.

Why does it always feel like I'm chasing after something that's always just out of my reach?

Dreams, peace, money, success...

Work, school, university.

"Why is it always so hard for me to do anything?" My tired gaze on my hands soon turned into a hateful glare. And slowly brought them to my throat.

I wrapped my fingers around my neck and pressed.

I pressed and pressed until I felt a pain, and my heartbeat raised and I gasped but then immediately let go.

I already knew I wasn't going to do it.

This life or the last, my will to live, no matter how pathetic I felt, was always so insolent.

I let out a scoff of a laugh at myself and bitterly shook my head, tilting my head to look up at the joyous sky. Until a voice from behind me made me freeze.

"Do you wish to die?"

I turned around abruptly, feeling a dread set in from my toes to the top of my head.

These words...

This fearful reaction was, once again, the wretched proof of how much I wanted to live, even though I was choking myself less than a minute ago. I turned around expecting to see the red eyes and black hair of the emperor out to kill me but-

"Huh?"

A young child with curly blonde and big brown eyes stared back at me. He was leaning down, holding up vines so they wouldn't be in his way. The trees behind him... did he come from the estate?

I frowned in confusion.

...Who are you? I watched in alert as the boy walked in my direction and proceeded to plop down on the ground, a safe distance away.

I noticed his outfit was different from most people around me; he looked like one of the people I'd seen in the market. He wore a loose beige shirt under an open red embroidered vest that was ornamented with jewels, and loose black pants held with a red sash belt, a part of which dangled at his side. He had a red cloth with gold sequins tied around his head.

"Rezel."

"Huh?"

He only spared me a glance before looking ahead at the view of the capital ahead of us. The dozen of jewel rings on his fingers momentarily distracted me. And why is he holding lilies?

"It's my name. What's yours?"

Oh. Name. Right.

But wait. I narrowed my eyes suspiciously at him. Why am I giving him my name? And why did he come from the direction of my estate?

"What's with the rings?" I pointed with my chin, ignoring his question.

"I'm a stone handler." He shrugged casually and my jaw dropped. This young thing?!

Stone handlers were like the 'wizards' of this world; they could manipulate the powers from mana-stones and typically earned a lot crafting jewels with certain features or spells, usually for nobles, as they're the only ones who could mostly afford them.

As if he expected my awed reaction, he gave me a smug grin.

"Your turn." He pulled his knee up and rested his elbow on it, holding up his chin as he looked at me.



***

Hi!

I wanted to apologize in case Nora's story gets a little too dark sometimes.

My rule while writing her character is that as she's not the 'heroine' this world doesn't give her any coincidences or gifts. There are no problems placed on her lap that she conveniently solves because she happened to be skilled or powerful.

In a way, she's inspired by, well, normal people, like me perhaps, or even you?

Who wasn't born a hero, but did your best to survive in this world anyway.

That's probably cheesy lol but anyway, this is why I didn't want Nora to just one day wake up all strong and all that, though that part is coming, the point is that she'll be led there slowly and be molded that way through the various incidents that happen. So for that, she has to suffer a bit.

And trust me, I can't wait for that part to come already.

Also this chapter and the next, I'll probably be editing a lot of it later. Rn I just gotta chill a bit. Sorry if it ends up being terrible or lame.