" Grief never ends...But it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...It is the price of love."

- Elizabeth l

✰✰✰

When the guys heard about Hazel going on patrol, a suggestion by Speirs, they had all but lost their shit in a matter of minutes.

But Speirs rather ruthless, like Hazel, was not an idiot.

He knew Hazel had been injured and it had affected many of the men in ways that were indescribable, but he knew Hazel, just by the look in her eye, the she wouldn't let that wound hold her back from continuing to fight.

This is where she could try her knack for sniping for 100s of yards away. Speirs thought it would be a beautiful sight.

Hazel sat beside Malarkey in the basement as the two stared forward.

" You doing okay, Don?" she asked him. Malarkey looked over at her and sighed to himself.

" You could say so, Hazel," he said. Hazel gently placed a hand on his arm. She knew he was hurting from the 5 men lost on the line that were his closest friends. She knew how much it pained him to lose them. And she knew his heart had shattered. Hazel met his sad eyes.

" If they saw how far you had come, how brave you've been..." Hazel said softly, " they'd be so proud of you." Malarkey looked over and softly met her gaze.

" They were friends who were your family," Hazel said, " Easy Company, we're all like that, but those guys, they were your family and still are, because of this." Hazel gently placed a hand on Malarkey's heart.

" They still live in you, always," Hazel said, " God makes sure of it."

" Even if it doesn't feel like it?" Malarkey asked softly. Hazel smiled, watching his big eyes watch hers.

" Even if it doesn't feel like, they'll always be there, years from now. They'll always be in your heart because you loved them." Hazel said, " And that's important."

" You're one of the strongest people I know," Hazel said softly, " I'll always believe that."

" Hazel...." Malarkey said. Hazel gently squeezed his arm and gave him a soft smile.

" Thanks, Hazel, for that." Malarkey said gently, " I missed you." Hazel smiled softly. Hazel gently squeezed his arm again and laid her head on his shoulder. She knew Malarkey needed even just a smidge of comfort, even if it was in the form of just sitting here in the quiet basement of OP 2, with nothing but a calming presence. And Hazel would be there for him, for anyone going through the pain and suffering of losing your family, a friend who had become one. Because she had seen things at that hospital, that changed men. And she loved Easy, she didn't want to see that happen to them too.

Catherine was smoking like a chimney, stress a bit elevated since Hazel had returned and news broke she was going to be involved on the patrol, even with just sitting on a rooftop.

" George, please tell me that when we get back to Mourmelon you can make me as many drinks as you can?" she said as she sat on the little stool in front of him as he sorted through candy.

" What's eating ya, Lieutenant?" George asked her, actually sounding concerned. She pulled the cigarette from her lips and sighed.

" Everything that's happened, it's just catching up." she said with a sigh, " But nothing new." George watched her go to take another drag of her smoke but slowly plucked it from her fingers.

" What the hell, George?" she said, eyes angry, as he took the smoke.

" This," he said showing the cigarette to her, " takes away the pain temporarily, but not permanently. Smoking yourself away won't help you. Talk to me." Catherine watched him.

" Contrary to popular belief and I'm actually a wonderful listener so please, c'mon Cath, I wanna know what's wrong." George said. Catherine looked at him.

" It's hard, dealing with everything that has happened, with the war," she said quietly, biting back her lip and nodding, " I know as a leader, I'm supposed to be strong and brave and not cower in the face of danger, but I've seen so many of my friends get wounded, get killed, I've watched them deteriorate and I'm still here."

" What is that even supposed to mean?" she whispered looking up to meet his eyes sadly. George watched her and gently put out the cigarette and came around to her side. He slowly pulled up another stool in front of her and sat down.

" Please don't pep talk me, George." she said softly, her eyes filled with sadness. George gave a soft smile.

" I was going to hold your hands, silly." George said gently reaching forward to take hers in his. And Catherine watched as he held her hands, his eyes were gentle, and the brushing of his thumb across her rough and cold skin, a warmth that hadn't touched her body in ages.

" You got any siblings, Lieutenant?" George asked her and Catherine scoffed slightly.

" You have to stop calling me Lieutenant." she said and George smirked up at her.

" Why, Lieutenant?" he said and Catherine could only smile and shake her head gently.

" I have two brothers, Jack and Clark, in the Marines, in the Pacific. Then 2 younger sisters Maisie and Polly, they're 12 and 15. And I have an older sister Matilda, she's 25, married, has a child, a husband, she's happy." Catherine said softly and George smiled at her.

" My parents they were pretty structured, and they've always wanted their kids to be structured too, ya know. Married by 24, having kids by then, living on with their life. And then there's me." Catherine said. George looked at her.

" What do you mean?" he asked her.

" I'm going to be 25 in April, George, by this point my parents had a 2 year old daughter." Catherine said, " I've never wanted to let them down, but I guess someone has to be the first."

" Hey, c'mon don't think like that," George said shuffling closer. Catherine looked away and shook her head.

" I just don't want to let anyone down," Catherine whispered. It grew quiet and Catherine could feel George staring at her. George was observant and he was intelligent when it came to interpreting people's feelings.

" You haven't let anyone down, you know that, right?" George said quietly, " All the guys, we've all looked up to you, ya know?" Catherine slowly looked towards him, with a sad smile.

" Hey, Cath," George said shifting closer, grasping her hands tenderly, " you've always been a good leader, you know that." Catherine let out a shaky sigh. She was not going to cry. She was not going to lose it in front of George. But with everything, absolutely everything that has happened to her, some of her best friends being ripped from her, watching them get hit or die or crumble, broke her.

It broke her heart.

Because then she was left with the memories which hurt her soul. And George, being so gentle with her, with the dorky smile on his face, made her want to break down. His eyes were so gentle, so welcoming, so soft, and so filled with emotion. Catherine drew back a hand from George's and put it on her face as the first cry escaped her lips.

" Aw Cath," George whispered gently pulling her into his arms as she broke into sobs, she broke in his arms. George softly wrapped his arms around her as she clutched onto him, sobbing into his ODs. Catherine had told herself that breaking down was vulnerable, but now it was the only thing she could do. Catherine just hurt and she'd been hurting for so long, trying to be this perfect person that she knew she wasn't.

And George Luz got to see the most vulnerable version of her.

George eventually pulled back and looked at her.

" I'm sorry George," she managed out her bottom lip trembling as hot, boiling tears welled in her eyes, " I'm so sorry." George watched her with a soft smile.

" You don't ever have to apologize to me, alright?" George said as he wiped a tear from her face as she sniffled.

She was a stupid mess.

They all were.

She just reacted with those dumb things she called emotions.

She was tired of being strong, tired of being this woman everyone could look to, a Lieutenant, she was sick and tired of it. Of it all. This stupid war, and her stupid emotions and the way the war made her feel like shit. She was tired of being strong in every way when she wasn't.

" I thought I could've been stronger," Catherine whispered, " but I couldn't." George smiled at her.

" You're still strong," George said softly as Catherine sniffled, " real strong."

" You really believe that?" Catherine said with a slight laugh as she wiped a tear from her cheek.

" Of course, I do," George said as if he were in shock, a smirk on his face, a gentle one, " who kept us going through that patrol in Bastogne when we lost Julian?" Catherine watched him.

" Don't give me that look," George said, " it was you." Catherine bit back her lip.

" And who was willing to fight to the death against Dog Company back in Mourmelon in those football practices?" George said as Catherine smiled slightly, " Still you I believe."

" And...who kept morale up through The Island, still you." George said and Catherine even managed to laugh a bit.

" You're stronger than you think, Cath." George said. Catherine looked away, shaking her head.

" Hey," George said placing a finger on her chin where she met his eyes, " if you don't think it, I'll think it for you." Catherine laughed lightly, as she wiped at the stray tears on her cheeks.

" Just like how you would spoon feed me in Bastogne?" she said softly.

" Still would," George said and Catherine laughed softly, looking at him again.

" I feel like I owe you something, I've cried on you too many times." she said, wiping her eye.

" I think your pretty face was enough," George told her and Catherine gave a soft smile. Catherine softly met his warm gaze. He was smiling, a genuine smile, the one where his eyes crinkled in the corners.

" So, you want a chocolate bar?" he asked her, reaching to his right to grab one.

" They're supplies." she said, " I'm okay." George watched her.

" I can make an exception." he said as he pressed it into her hand, " Promise ya." Catherine softly stared at it and then back up at George.

" Thanks for that, George." she said softly, sniffling, " I needed that." George gently squeezed her shoulder and smiled, with a soft nod.

The radioman and the Lieutenant, emotions were hard for them, but together they understood them like an open book.

Hazel stayed with Malarkey for a while, and they didn't have to talk much, Hazel just knew that he needed someone there for him. But then they had to head out for the briefing on the patrol.

Hazel found herself walking beside Joe again, his arm wrapped loosely around her shoulders, but it was comforting enough for her. He had been happy that Speirs had held Hazel back from the patrol, just enough to keep her injury from harm, but that she was still a part of it. He knew Hazel missed being a part of the action.

If anything she was a mini Speirs.

The group headed through the CP into the briefing room and Hazel saw a few men were already inside. Hazel slowly eased herself into one of the nearby chairs and Joe squished in beside her. Hazel glared.

" You're cute when you're angry." Joe said and she shoved his shoulder.

" I was here first." she said, rather proudly with an upturned nose.

" Look, there's plenty of room for the two of us," Joe said motioning between them. Hazel looked down; it was like they were attached at the hip.

" There's not even a millimeter between us." she countered, even though sitting beside Joe made her heart warm and she felt warmer in general. Joe smirked.

" You know you love it." he said wrapping an arm over her shoulder.

" We'll see," she countered, as she kicked up her feet beside Joe's. He smirked at her.

" Shut up." she murmured. People slowly trickled in and after waiting for a while Catherine made her appearance, looking rather exhausted but with a smirk on her face.

" Lieutenant Jones," she said with a tipping of the helmet in his direction before moving in. Jones nodded to her before she moved into the room and let out a sigh.

" Wait, you're leading now, Cath?" Chuck asked sitting up, relief in his voice.

" Nah, but Johnny is," Catherine said, " I have the explosives."

" Damn, okay." Chuck said watching as Catherine pulled the multiple explosives from her bag.

" Remind me not to get on her bad side, right Babe?" Chuck said and Babe grinned as Catherine smirked.

" Yeah you remember that Charles." Catherine said.

" Pfft." Catherine slowly collapsed in a chair and let out a sigh. She looked exhausted. A patrol was something she most definitely didn't need in her life.

" Well then, come on, he can't be leading." " Ramirez said, as Catherine glanced towards Lieutenant Jones at the door.

" I'm not sure what they decided." Liebgott said.

" No way." Chuck said, " Not on his first day."

" Well, do you see any other officer here?" Liebgott asked to no one in particular. Chuck glanced at Catherine.

" I'm not leading, I told you all." Catherine said, " If anything I'm intelligence at this point with the bomb." The group sighed. Just then the group heard footsteps and everyone looked up and over to see it was Cobb, Skinny, Tony and Moe, all with rather disgruntled looks on their faces, giving a nod to Jones at the door as they entered. Everyone looked exhausted even in the new gear, and extremely worn out. No one looked like they wanted to be here.

" What?" Cobb snapped as Popeye looked up at him and the rest of the group that had entered.

" They call you guys, too?" Popeye asked.

" So, who's in charge of this bullshit?" Moe asked the group and Catherine just sighed shaking her head. He glanced back at Lieutenant Jones.

" No, he ain't." Chuck said noticing Moe look back at him.

" Well, if he ain't, it's you, Chuck." Babe said looking at him, " Or Mack or Shifty or Moe."

" Well, that'd be better." Liebgott said, disgruntled. More footsteps echoed and Catherine watched Jones straighten up.

" 10, hutt." Jones said, and Catherine begrudgingly moved from her position to stand at attention, in her exhausted state. Everyone else, slowly followed suit, a little peeved as well. But Catherine couldn't be mad at Jones, he was rookie, a new-guy, he hadn't been through Bastogne like they all had.

" At ease." Winters said as he, and Martin entered. Everyone slowly sat down again, as Catherine returned to leaning against the wall.

" Ladies and gentlemen." Winters said and a chorus of sirs answered him.

" As you can see, we've assembled 17 of you here, for this prisoner snatch tonight, 0100. Just a couple of points." Winters started, " Secured four rubber boats to get you across the river. Lieutenant Jones and Lieutenant McCown here are ranking officers. Lieutenant Jones will be along as an observer. Lieutenant McCown will be of assistance to Sergeant Martin, but remain intelligence with our explosives. Her focus is on those bombs and those only, so she can not be distracted through this process." Catherine raised a brow, rather surprised. She watched as he nodded, across to someone. Webster. Johnny saw that and the angriest glare spread on his features.

" Sergeant Martin here will lead the patrol in Sergeant Malarkey's place. The whole Battalion will be covering your withdrawal. We've identified targets, we've planned fire fire for 'em. We hear these whistles, we open up. So don't blow 'em 'till you're back in the boats with your prisoners." Winters said handed the three whistles to Johnny.

" And if the house turns out to be empty, sir?" Johnny asked him.

" It won't, but in any case, we know it's an outpost and want it destroyed, so, you have to lay some demo on a time delay. You have to move fast but carefully. Put a perimeter around the house. Once that's in place, get your rifle grenades in the first floor window. Get your assault team in quick." Johnny nodded to what Winters was saying, he got the idea.

" Okay, good, understood?" Winters asked them, " Remember, it's about prisoners. don't pop the first thing that moves. Clear?"

" Yes, sir." everyone answered a bit warily.

" Good." Winters said as he looked at the group.

" Lieutenant McCown?" Winters said and turned to nod to her. Catherine stood and stepped forward.

" The demos, if set correctly, have about a 5 to 6 hour window. If set wrong, the could go off while you're in the house. As Captain Winters has said, you need to be in and out. Once you touch down on the opposite bank, you'll have to move about 100 meters inland before you reach the house. Once you do, the demos will be set and you'll have to lay them once you get inside the house. I will be along with you for assistance." Catherine explained. " Understood?"

" Yes, ma'am." the group answered her and she nodded before nodding to Winters and stepping back.

" Picked your assault team?" Winters asked Martin.

" McClung, Sisk, Cobb, Garcia. And Webster as translator." Johnny said as he looked at Webster. Catherine glanced towards Webster, who simply looked down, not meeting his eyes.

" The rest of you guys, a base of fire with Sergeant Grant and Lieutenant McCown." Johnny said as he threw the two other whistles at the two Sergeants, who caught them with ease. Catherine looked at the whistle and slid it into her front pocket.

" You speak German, right, Webster?" Johnny asked snappily.

" Yeah, a little bit." Webster said. Catherine raised a brow looking at him.

" Good." Johnny said, before turning to Winters, " That's my team, sir."

" Corporal Parker," Winters called out and Hazel looked up, " glad to have you back." Winters smiled at her.

" Thank you, sir." she answered with a nod and a smile.

" Captain Speirs has explained to you what you're doing correct?" he asked her.

" Yes, sir." she answered.

" Good, he'll be showing you, your position later this evening." Winters said.

" Yes, sir, thank you." she said and Winters nodded with a slight smile.

" Questions?" Winters asked the group.

" No, sir." the group answered.

" Good." Winters said, " Good luck."

" Thank you, sir." the mixed responses came. Then Winters nodded and walked out, as Johnny followed.

" 10, hutt!" Jones called.

" As you were, carry on." Winters called, and Catherine slowly followed him out. Hazel watched Jones, sort of die inside, but she didn't blame him for doing that, he was new after all.

" A little German?" Liebgott asked, staring forward, before glancing a bit at Webster.

" His German's as good as mine." Liebgott said to Jackson. Then Joe looked back up at Webster, who looked away. The group slowly filed out of the area and Hazel slowly walked out, fitting her helmet to her head as she did so. When she got outside she noticed Webster walking over towards the higher ups. He wanted out of the patrol.

" I want four men on each block." Speirs said, " Four men to go in."

" Four men on the left flank, four men on the right." Johnny said as Catherine noticed Webster slowly walked towards them. She met his eye, confused.

" Sir? Sir." Webster said and the group looked at him.

" Yes?" Winters said.

" Liebgott and I, we both speak German." Webster said and Catherine glanced at him again.

" Yeah?" Speirs said leaning forward and highly unfazed.

" You said 17 men and women, they are 18 of us, including 2 translators." Webster said.

" Well, fine, hey Liebgott, " Speirs said as the group noticed Liebgott, Chuck, and Hazel walking by.

" You wanna sit this one out?" Speirs asked him. Liebgott smiled slightly.

" Yes, sir." Liebgott said with a smile and a nod. Hazel glanced at Liebgott then Webster. Liebgott winked at him.

" Thanks, buddy." Liebgott said, with a thumbs up before the group of 3 walked away, the two men laughing.

" Thank you, sir." Webster said as Webster walked away. Catherine watched him.

" Excuse me, sir." she said and stepped back towards Webster.

" Hey, Web." she said. Webster turned to find the female Lieutenant looking at him from under the rim of her helmet, her eyes looking at him quizzically.

" Ma'am." he said and looked down at her.

" Drop the ma'am, Web, why'd you do that back there?" she asked him, " Trying to get out of patrol?" Webster looked at her.

" What do you care?" Webster muttered, adjusting his rifle on his shoulder.

" I'm just curious, Web." she said, raising a brow as she watched him, " So what there are two translators, Joe could've handled it. He's a big boy." Webster stared at her.

" Fine," Webster said, " maybe I saved at least one of our asses." Catherine raised a brow.

" At least it's one less person killed, now, if this patrol fails." Webster said.

" It's not gonna go bad, Web, these are experienced men and women." Catherine promised.

" Unlike someone who was at the aid station for too long." She looked him up and down. Webster glared at her.

" I had to be there to recover completely." Webster defended himself.

" Oh really? Bill came back with an evident limp, and he fought through the Battle of the Bugle." Catherine said to him, raising a brow, " Hazel still has evidence of the wound and a limp."

" I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but I wasn't going AWOL from a hospital." he told her. Catherine glared at him.

" Just respect the fact that some of the ones that did are not here anymore." she said. Webster's face fell.

" Catherine, that's not what I meant." Webster said, stepping closer as she stepped back from him.

" There were men who got themselves wounded and came AWOL from the hospital." Catherine told him, her eyes filling with tears, " They're gone."

" They're injured, Catherine, they're not...they're not gone." Webster told her stepping closer to her.

" You weren't there, Web." Catherine snapped at him, as her voice broke. Webster knew he messed up.

" I was just trying to help you out, but I guess you've been doing fine by yourself." she snapped, before brushing past him.

" Wait, Catherine..." Webster said turning to follow her. She turned around and looked at him.

" That's Lieutenant to you, Private." she said, before turning and stepping away. Webster sighed to himself.

As Catherine walked away, tears threatened to cloud her vision.

AGAIN.

How many times would she had to cry here to finally feel something?

Something besides being numb?

She didn't know.

Why would he even begin to say something like that?

Bill and Joe getting injured and Skip and Penkala gone and Buck needing to be taken off the line. It had been such a numbing and painful experience that she hoped she never to experience again.

✰✰✰

hi! so writing this episode, i didn't realize how emotional and grief filled it was. but in reality, i felt this part of the war was exactly that, so i'm really delving into people's emotions, mainly catherine's because of her position as lieutenant. on my tumblr, i am working more on tiny posts on different things about the story and one of them is catherine's emotions as a lieutenant and the weight she feels she carries, things like that. catherine's development as a character really rang true to her as a leader as well and she just wants the best for the men. so seeing this really be her breaking point for me, personally show that some people break and it is hard to build up again. catherine really has a tough time adjusting back without bill and joe and skip and buck and penkala and we can really see that, so i just wanted to let you all know if there's heavy dialogue through this talking about emotions.

one of the main reasons i wrote this was to really talk about emotions in war and how everyone male or female feels them :) thanks!! <3