" When grief is deepest, words are fewest."

- Ann Voskamp

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As the days rolled on with Easy, especially after Shifty's accident, there was a felt uptick in many of the paratroopers' of the need to get angry with people or fight, or walk around with a weapon in hand completely restless with nothing to do.

Hazel told herself that she wouldn't shoot that gun at a person until she had to jump into Japan - she was done fighting a war with weapons and not words. So Hazel retreated to the bunking area of 2nd platoon most days, where maybe one or two members would be laying around for an afternoon nap when PT training was over, and write letters out to people that were gone from Easy.

Her mother of course, but then out to Bill, Joe, Buck, Smokey, and now Shifty. They were fairly long letters, quite to long she felt, but she missed them more than she could imagine, and wrote her heart out into the letters for them to see. Sure, her handwriting, as mentioned by Frank in the hospital, was anything but neat and styled, but it was truthful, slightly messy handwriting, written with pure love.

And she visited APO sometimes for hours on end giving and receiving little letters and then running into Speirs and the two would end up cracking a joke or two before he was needed by Battalion Staff, ie Winters.

And she spent many nights with Joe by the docks, and he would always let her rest her weary head in his lap and he'd run his fingers through hair, softly massaging away the worries, looking down at her in the moonlight, the epitome of beauty she thought as he would smile. He always knew how to calm her down, and just let her be herself with him.

She loved him, so much, and after that kiss, it was just like they were picking up where they left off, except maybe there were more secret kisses or Joe pulling her from the group to press a kiss to her lips in a tiny alley way, just to see her smile or giggle, or to see her eyes shine.

It was the little things, Hazel always appreciated the little things, especially with Joe.

Lizzie was sitting currently in the aid station, attempting to read the Grey's Anatomy book open in her lap, but she kept reading the same line over and over to the point where she didn't know what she was even reading anymore.

It was just words on a page.

Her mind tortured by the letter from her family about her grandmother, who was only getting sicker. It hurt more than Lizzie could imagine and she always felt it, but her grandmother was the one who had helped her so much and now this was going on and occurring.

But for years almost half a decade, she had been fighting this slow and painful death that was consuming her.

Lizzie felt a sense to throw something, but instead just slammed the book shut and slid it off her knees to the ground angrily, as it made a thump noise, before putting her head in her hands. She couldn't focus. She couldn't focus on anything. She tried having a conversation with Tab at breakfast but it went in one ear and out the other and left the conversation without as much as a good bye, before retreating here where she tried talking to Gene about their knew set of inventory, but instead kept staring at his eye and began wondering if she'd never see her grandmother's eyes again and soon enough had to just sit down alone.

Now it was her and her stupid mind and she couldn't take it.

The constant racing in her mind, the pounding of stress and anxiety in her heart, the need to be doing something every minute of the day, the stress, the panic, the worry.

All of it.

It was so much to handle.

Coffee.

Lizzie quirked her head in the direction of where she knew Gene always would make sure coffee was in the quiet aid station. Lizzie stood. She had her good and bad days, ones where she felt perfectly fine and others where she couldn't ever focus, couldn't do her work properly without a shot of coffee or something of the sort. It sucked more than she could even imagine.

So Lizzie poured herself a cup of coffee, gently taking it back, sip after sip until she felt her nerves slowly settling. She gripped the edge of the table, watching her hands tremor and shake slightly as they held it.

Lizzie narrowed her eyes and forced her hands to steady, but instead they just shook harder, and finally Lizzie pushed back and away from her hands, staring at them shaking. She crossed her arms angrily and let out a soft sigh. I

t would be another bad day.

And coffee was the only thing to calm her racing heart and racing mind down. It sucked.

" Hey, Lizard." a voice said and Lizzie sighed, glancing back over her shoulder to see Tab there.

" Hi," she said, before taking another sip as it felt like a bouncing ball was running in ever possible direction in her head. Tab raised a brow.

" You okay?" he asked her.

" Fine, I'm fine," she answered, staring out the window, her grasp on the table again, firm, trying to keep her hands from shaking, trying to hold herself, trying to grasp onto something, anything, to keep her from shaking, to keep her entire being somewhat steady.

" Lizzie, what's wrong?" Tab said and Lizzie shut her eyes.

She was shaking.

Her entire body was shaking, she was panicking, she was seeing them, she was seeing all of them, she was shaking, everywhere.

Why wasn't the coffee working?

She couldn't focus, what was going on?

" Get Gene," she said, her voice trembling. Tab was quiet.

" Tab, please, just get Gene!" Lizzie cried out, as tears bubbled down her cheeks, as her grasp became to unsteady to even hold onto the table.

A sob escaped her lips, frustration crawling from every pore, as she heard the door to the outside burst open and footsteps disappearing. Lizzie felt herself collapse into a ball on the floor, curling around herself, her hands over her head, as sobs escaped her body, quivering on the floor, the coffee spilled over a few papers on the table, dripping beside her.

She was panicking.

She was panicking.

She was panicking.

What was she panicking over?

Her nerves felt like they were racing, her blood was coursing through her veins, and she felt herself breaking.

What was going on?

She was shaking.

Everywhere.

Her sobs were more like strained cries of that like a cat, in hiccups, in spasms. She was panicking. It was all she could think. Then the door burst open and two sets of footsteps came racing across the floor towards her.

" Hey, Lizzie, Lizzie, it's me, it's Gene," the voice said.

Gene.

Gene was the one with the soft eyes. She had to tell her mind that, to let herself open up to the voice, the voice that was Gene. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and she was still shaking.

" Lizzie," Gene repeated, that same voice, " Lizzie, I'm right here, it's Gene." Lizzie's shaky hand slowly reached out blindly towards his own and he softly took it in his own.

" Here, c'mere," Gene whispered and suddenly she felt warm, encased in a warm grasp, in simple warmth. It was a hug, someone's hug. Gene's hug. And soon enough, Lizzie was grasping onto him, like her life depended on it, trying to hide, to burrow away, get away from this cruel world.

" I'm here," Gene repeated softly, holding her as her cries came out in tortured breaks. Gene held her for a while - she needed to just be held, to have another person there. The 'attacks', where she grew panicked, anxious, frustrated because she couldn't focus or comprehend things like she used to from the hyperactivity disorder. But none had ever been this bad.

Gene held her close, gently holding his hand against her head, his hand brushing over her hair, hoping a soothing, normal paced beat would calm her, a tempo, a beat. Gene looked over towards Tab, who sat with worried wide eyes. No one else knew about this, not even the women. It had been between Gene and Lizzie for months. Tab looked from Gene to Lizzie worriedly, before licking his lips.

" She okay?" Tab asked.

" She will be," Gene said, " thanks for getting me." Tab watched Gene and nodded. Tab had to trust the medic, that he knew what was going on.

" Don't worry," Gene promised, " she'll be okay, she just needs some time." Tab nodded worriedly.

" Do you think she needs anything?" Tab asked Gene.

" I might just try to get her resting for a bit, usually rest is all she needs," Gene said.

" Wait," Tab said putting a hand on the medic's shoulder," this has happened before?" Gene watched him.

" Gene, I want to know, she's like my....." Tab said started, but suddenly was caught up staring at Lizzie there, broken and in pieces in front of him and stopped," she's going to be ok right?"

" Yes," Gene, with fierce eyes, " for months, but she's strong." Tab watched Gene. The medic's eyes were firm, his touch soft, his care gentle. Tab gently watched Lizzie and then nodded. Lizzie, if anything, was someone he could joke and bicker with, butting heads sometimes, but it was all good fun in the end - he'd never seen her this way. He was worried.

" Can you help me guide her up to the rooms?" Gene asked him. Tab nodded.

" Hey," Tab said softly to Lizzie, who refused to look at him and nuzzled her head further into Gene's chest. Lizzie stayed still.

" Hey, Lizzie," Gene began quietly, gently brushing against her hair still," it's me, Gene." Lizzie sniffled. She tapped against his arm, her fingers still trembling slightly.

" Want to head up, get you resting?" Gene asked quietly and Tab watched as Lizzie slowly nodded against him.

Tab noticed how it seemed routine, like it were down to a science for the two medics, like they already knew how to handle the situation. Gene slowly helped Lizzie to her feet and Lizzie remained clinging onto him, eyes shielded by tears, hair, everything. She refused to look at people. It was like she had shut down and needed to restart.

" Here, I'll grab some blankets." Tab said and Gene nodded gratefully. By the time Gene had helped Lizzie into bed, Tab was parading into the room with a loud of blankets. But he walked in on the two talking, or Gene trying to make sure he listened to every word Lizzie said.

" It happened again," Lizzie whispered, " where I panicked and couldn't stop." Her hands were shaking, and she fiddled with them to try and calm them down.

" I was fine, Gene, yesterday I mean, I was fine, and then today I just woke up so anxious and I couldn't concentrate." she whispered, " But I know tomorrow I'll wake up like today never happened. And I can't control it." Gene watched her with sad eyes and then noticed Tab at the door. Lizzie softly looked over and noticed Tab there. She sighed sadly, with a weak smile. Tab slowly entered the room.

" Sorry," Tab said, " I just got some blankets."

" Thanks, Tab," Lizzie said with a nod and a small smile and Tab nodded sadly.

" I have to go back to the men," Tab said, " but whatever happened Lizzie, I'm sorry." Lizzie shrugged.

" I'm used to it." she said and Tab watched her sadly. She nodded. Tab slowly retreated.

Used to it?

Lizzie slowly met Gene's eyes again and clenched her fists.

" Hey, you're okay," Gene said reaching out to unclench her hands softly as Lizzie shook her head and let out a shaky sigh.

" I got frustrated," Lizzie whispered, " I couldn't....focus...on the book, the book was just..I couldn't focus on it. I kept rereading lines, I just was so frustrated." She felt the stress filled her more and Gene gently rubbed his fingers over her skin.

" Lizzie, it's okay, remember that," Gene said as Lizzie watched him, slowly breathing in and out. Her out breaths were shaky, but she felt her heart calming down finally. Watching his eyes usually calmed her down on these darker days and she was thankful for it. But no one else knew, and she was determined to keep it that way.

This....disorder...it was viewed as if you were unworthy, a mark on society, Lizzie was too scared to tell anyone, even her closest friends, maybe one day, but today when she was still struggling with all the new complexities, she didn't need to build up any more barriers.

Gene stayed with her for a while, letting her talk to him, about her mind, even if it were just in spits of information, where she had to give up a few times because she couldn't gather her thoughts, but he stayed and listened the entire time.

Catherine was the one that found the two later that night. Lizzie was asleep on her side in the bed, a blanket cuddled around her and Gene was in a chair by her side, face down in his arms on the bed right beside her head, resting peacefully. Catherine softly watched them and then gently flicked out the nearby light and shut the door gently.

They deserved some rest for a night, after everything.

Catherine found Dick, Nixon and Harry all sat together near one of the big balconies looking out over the lake of Zell Am See, talking quietly, their voices carrying slightly.

" Hey," Catherine said and gently took the last open beside Harry with a sigh.

" Rough day?" Harry asked her. Catherine raised a brow at him and he offered her the flask in his hand. She smirked and took it, guzzling down a gleeful sip.

" Thanks, and no, I just....this is nice." Catherine said looking out towards the lake, the homes around the lake aglow at night.

" It's nice," Dick said," never thought we'd be here." He glanced towards Nixon who smirked with a nod.

" Thanks to me, you can believe." Nixon told the group and Catherine smiled, kicking up her feet.

" You guys think about the Pacific yet?" she asked them, staring up at the stars. She knew Dick was watching her almost in seconds and so was Nixon.

" Well, I'm surprised you don't know yet." Nixon said and Catherine looked towards him.

" What?" Catherine asked. She met Harry's eyes, but Harry looked down.

" Star-spangled applied for a transfer," Nixon said, as he pointed at Dick. Catherine watched Dick with wide eyes. It was deafly quiet.

" It was Guts and Glory earlier," Harry muttered in the quiet. Catherine felt her mouth twitch.

" Why?"

" I figured, get me to the war earlier, get it done and over with." Dick stated. Catherine narrowed her eyes.

" And you agreed with this?" Catherine said looking at Nixon who let out a drag of smoke.

" Oh, I'm going along too." Nixon said and Catherine's eyes widened. No, no, no! These two were her boys, Dick and Lew, her brothers!!

" Well, then I'm coming too," Catherine said and almost immediately Nixon was sitting up, holding his hand out as Dick gave her a look.

" No," Nixon stated and Catherine scoffed.

" No?" Catherine said, crossing her arms, " If I'm going to war, I'm going with you guys."

" We don't know if we got the transfer yet-"

" I don't care, I'm going with you two." Catherine said. Then she glanced at Harry.

" What about you?" she asked him. He was quiet and shook his head, no.

One more life saved.

" I'm still going with you two, I can't let you do this alone." she said looking between the two. Nixon and Dick looked at each other and then back towards Catherine.

" We know about George." Nixon said. Catherine's heart stopped.

" Don't bring George into this." she threatened firmly, eyes narrowed like ice. It grew quiet. Her heart was racing.

" I'm not letting you two go to war, without me with you. I've fought this entire war with you two," Catherine said, pleading, " this whole war, I've been with you two, I can't let you two just go jump out there. I want to be with you." Harry watched her and then gently placing a hand on her knee and patted it gently. Catherine let her shoulders slump.

" The company needs you, Cath," Dick said and Catherine shook her head, " Ron needs you, for the bettering of the company. You've been with them this whole time." Catherine sighed. She knew they were right, for making the decision they wanted to make on the situation, they could do whatever they wanted, but the two of them were like her brothers and they understood her in their own ways, and appreciated her for who she was, a leader, an officer.

" You'll be careful, right?" Catherine said looking up at the two of them, " For the company?" Nixon smirked.

" I'll be sure to keep him out of trouble," Nixon said and Dick rolled his eyes with a tiny smile. Catherine let out a worried smile, and a tiny laugh as Harry gently patted her knee again, a comfort she needed.

" Thanks," Catherine said. She wouldn't ever stop worrying for those two, they were like her brothers, people she loved, so she couldn't ever say she wouldn't worry, but she had to trust them.

The rest of the night together was spent with them chatting together, and Catherine relishing what may be of their last few weeks together.

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hey!! another lovely little chapter :) if i haven't already prefaced it, i also have an archive of our own account set up with these same stories up, i know i mentioned it a bit ago, but i just wanted to let you all know that it is officially up and running! thank you all for the wonderful support and love.

in this segment, i tried to portray lizzie and the decline she's experiencing in this war, one that is affecting her mental health in ways she can't even describe between her hyperactive disorder, her anxiety, her nerves all of it. i wanted to really show how someone can struggle with these sort of things and the seriousness of these topics. i hope that i'm doing my best with them <3