in the back of her mind, ivy knew that heading to simon's could potentially be a mistake, yet she still sat in front of her dressing table getting herself ready to go round. she knew what their 'chat' would entail, knowing that she could potentially admit that maybe she was not quite over him like she thought she was and although she could regret doing so, it would be better for her to open up rather than hold her feelings in until she exploded one day.

nervously driving to his flat, she tapped her finger's against the steering wheel with unsteady breathing. she was far from ready for the conversation awaiting her, but it was part of the consequence of sleeping with him.

holding her keys with a tight grip, she made her way up to his flat. her palms were sweaty and it felt disgusting, the temptation to turn around and head back home began to sound like a great idea. softly knocking on his door, she stared down at the floor, swaying back and forth, incapable of keeping still.

"hey." simon softly smiled, opening the door wide, "you alright?"

"yeah," she cleared her throat, steadily stepping inside of the flat, "are you?"

"not bad," he nodded his head, "nice instagram post by the way." a smug expression instantly swept across his face, allowing ivy's nerves to slowly fade away.

"shut up," she giggled, her cheeks flushed a rosy pink, "well i knew you might have thought that, you liked the photo and i had so many people commenting about it."

"yeah." he raised his eyebrows, smirking at her. making his way over to the sofa, he settled on the edge of it, forearms resting on his legs, "so." he sighed.

"so." staring down at the floor, she fiddled with her rings.

"i - erm, well i just felt like we've needed to talk," taking a deep breath in, he ran his fingertips through his hair, "i don't know if you feel that way, but -"

"no, i do." she furrowed her eyebrows, instantly cutting him off, "just conversations like this remind me of when we broke up." she muttered under her breath.

when it came to their break up, they both avoided the conversation for as long as they possibly could. they often steered clear of spending alone time together because they knew where their relationship was heading and they were not ready for it. for ivy, serious conversation's on the topic of feelings filled her with dread. it brought back the pain she felt after their break up as they rarely needed serious conversations about their relationship. but maybe if they spoke seriously more often, they could've held on.

"yeah." he sighed.

"it's fine," she muttered, "i know we should have spoke about it more or less as soon as it happened, i just couldn't bring myself to."

"well you're here now," he shrugged his shoulders, "just about the other night -"

"it was a mistake." she blurted out, hesitantly nodding her head.

he furrowed his brows at her, "oh, really?"

a puzzled expression slowly formed on her face as she stared at him across the room, "well, you're over me, so that would just make it a mistake."

"ivy," he murmured, throwing his head into his hands, "i'm not over you." shaking his head, he mumbled into his palms.

"what?"

slowly removing his hands from his face, his blue eyes gazed up at her, "i'm not over you."

"i - i thought you were." she stuttered. suddenly, the conversation went in a complete different direction to what she had practiced in her head.

"fucking hell," he huffed, "i'm definitely not and i really wish i was."

"why?"

"because you seem so over me."

stifling a laugh, she instantly shook her head at him, "i wish i was, simon."

simon's lips parted, the two of them staring at one another with confused expressions. they were so convinced the other person was over the relationship, thinking they were completely over it when in reality neither of them could part with what they once had. a lump quickly formed in her throat, how was she supposed to address what they had just admitted to one another?

"i thought you were." he muttered.

"i thought i was too, i guess that wasn't the case." folding her arms over her chest, her eyes flickered around the room, no longer wanting to make eye contact with him.

"you deserved so much better than me though, why still hold on?"

"because i'm literally built by you, simon! you made me who i am, i constantly think about what could've been."

"i literally felt the pain i had caused you though, ivy." he sighed, staring down at the floor, "i didn't deserve you." he grumbled.

swiftly wiping the one tear that managed to fall, she inhaled, "i don't care about that. i could've lived with you properly or whatever, i just wasn't ready. we're both to blame."

"but i was such an arsehole," he slowly lifted his head up, "i felt like i was such a problem, you did so much for me and it was like i didn't care, but i honestly did."

"stop self-loathing." she mumbled, "you did care, i know you did."

simon let out an elongated sigh, "i just felt so shit after we broke up because i knew what i had done to you."

"okay," she shrugged her shoulders, still holding back her tears, "but we're past that now, simon."

"but what i'm saying is, how aren't you over me?"

"well, i could ask you the same question?" she choked out.

the two stared at one another in eerie silence, ivy's chest falling and rising heavily. the only sound surrounding them was the faint sighs falling from their lip and simon's nervous breaths, no longer knowing what to say.

"i - i might just head home." biting down on her bottom lip, her heart sank to her stomach.

"no, don't." he shook his head.

ivy closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath in. "there's nothing else to say! it's like you want me to regret our relationship when i'm really fucking grateful for you simon. i don't regret anything, i'm happy we took our friendship to the next level, but you seem to think it was all a waste of time for me when it wasn't!"

"no, i don't think like that." he exhaled, staring at her with his lips parted.

"i'm thankful for you everyday, fucking hell you made me the person i am." the tears that had been urging to fall the entire time finally fell. ivy never thought she would see the day where she would tell her ex boyfriend 'thank you' for their relationship. "i never wanted us to end," she cried, "we just couldn't compromise."

"and you think i wanted us to end?" he slowly stood up from the sofa, stepping towards her.

"well no, but-"

"because i didn't." he shook his head, "i wouldn't be living my best life if it wasn't for you, ivy."

ivy gazed up at him through her wet eyelashes, his hands cupping her cheeks whilst his thumbs wiped across her tears. she closed her eyes, allowing the tears to flow and he stared down at her with sorrowful eyes, unable to stop her uncontrollable cries.

"sorry." she muttered, stepping backwards to harshly wipe away her own tears.

"don't be sorry." simon furrowed his eyebrows and cocked his head.

a soft smile formed on her lips, her eyes burning from the tears, "why the fuck am i crying over our break up two years on?" she mocked herself with an awkward giggle, knowing that if she didn't laugh she would just cry again.

"i guess neither of us properly processed it." he shrugged his shoulders, "maybe we thought distance was the best idea when it wasn't, especially when we literally used to be best friends and spend so much time together."

gulping audibly, she stifled, "i've missed you so much." her chin trembled from her sobs, "like little things that happened that excited me, or when i needed advice, i knew i couldn't just message you like i used to."

"i felt exactly the same," he looked to the floor, "like hitting a milestone or when i got to do something really cool and exciting or when i was stressed, you were always the first person i wanted to go to."

"fuck," she brought a hand to her head, "why can't this just be easy?"

"i know." he shook his head.

"i really wish i hadn't moved." ivy murmured, patting her wet cheeks.

simon slowly looked up at her and stared at her with a look of dejection, "is that really how you feel?"

"well, i thought i was over you and then i've seen you and spent time with you, fucking hell we even had sex! it's messed with my head."

"we grew up together, of course it's going to be difficult. we literally made each other, i think about that all the time."

yet again, their bodies shuffled closer as though the atmosphere was naturally pushing them together. simon shook his head, a feeling of despair overwhelming him whilst he stared down at ivy's short intake of breath, the tears still racing down her cheeks. he was aching for ivy to stop crying after he felt the intense tightening in his throat. yet even with the tear stained cheeks, the ruined makeup and burning red eyes, she was still perfect to him.

softly swiping his thumbs over her cheeks, he calmly hushed her and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear. ivy stared up at him with glazed eyes, a stream of apologies falling from her lips, "fuck, i'm sorry for crying like this."

"don't be sorry," he smirked, shaking his head, "you're stupid for apologising."

she exhaled, "sounds stupid, but i was so convinced we were soulmates," she rolled her eyes, softly laughing, "even when we were just friends."

"maybe we are, why couldn't we be now?" he questioned, but he knew that exact feeling.

"because it's too hard to just spend time with you."

"oh."

falling silent, she cleared her throat, still allowing him to wipe away her tears whilst she calmed her breathing. the air that was once so thick to swallow now easing and her heavy sobs came to a halt, the feeling of his skin against her's was tranquillising. once her cheeks were somewhat dry, he cupped her face and his eyes flickered between her lips and her eyes. in that moment, she could push him away and question his actions, but he was too intoxicating to do so and she felt a strong sense of euphoria around him. a feeling she rarely felt anymore. they both allowed their faces to inch closer, his hot breath fanning across her face.

"simon, i -" she whispered.

"yeah?" he hummed and just as he was about to seal off his words with a kiss, the front door opened. they quickly pulled back from one another, ivy attempting everything she could to make herself appear more presentable, as though she had not been blubbering over her relationship that ended over two years ago.

jj strolled through, staring at the two with furrowed eyebrows whilst they stood awkwardly beside each other, "oh hey, ivy. what you doing here?"

"just erm - just been talking to simon about something." she sniffled, "but i'm gonna go now." turning her head, she gazed up at simon, eager to leave the situation as reality made it's way back to her.

"right, yeah." simon nodded his head slowly, turning to look at jj as he ran a hand through his hair, "nothing important." he shrugged, looking down to the floor.

"well, are you guys okay?" jj could cut the tension surrounding them with a knife, noticing simon's miserable expression and ivy's blotchy face and bloodshot eyes.

"mhm." she bit down on her bottom lip, "i'll see you guys later." waving, she raced to the front door, not even waiting for a goodbye in response.