Papà

V A L E R I U S ' P O V :

"Eleonora?" I call out when I can't find the girl. My nerves start to heighten, I try to shake off the feeling.

Fuck! Where did that little devil go?

Thankfully, I turn the corner and the small leech comes into view. She sits on top of the steps, knowing that it's time for a bath. Her eyes crinkle at the sight of me.

I sigh a breath of relief. "You little devil, I thought you ran off." A smile she was trying to fight spreads across her face when I pick her up to carry her.

I almost pause for a moment when her head meets my shoulder. It's like she's gotten used to this, gotten used to me. She sat on the steps because she knew our schedule. She waits because she knows I'll carry her.. maybe I do act like her papà. My body chills at the thought.

No, I don't.

Have I been leading this poor girl to think I'm her papà? Does she know that I can't keep her here? No matter my feelings about it.

I step into the guest bedroom and set Eleonora on the bed while I walk into the bathroom to start her a bath.

"Papà?"

The shampoo bottle falls down and hits my head as I almost trip into the tub.

What?

No.

My eyes are glued open, my mouth parts in shock. I stand up straight and fix the bottle of shampoo.

"No. You're just hearing things, Valerius." I mumble to myself.

I swallow down the dryness in my mouth.

Now this kid really has it in my head.

I'm going crazy. I've finally reached my limit. I've finally lost it—

"Papà?" Her voice is soft but louder than before.

"You've gotta be shitting me." I kneel over the tub with my hands on my face. I laugh. "Fuck me!" My voice is low.

Gathering my thoughts, I stand. I put my hands on my hips so they won't shake. I can't believe this. I take in the sight of the small girl of the bed that is way too big for her.

"Ellie—", I pause. "Shit! No." I move and sit on the bed, she crawls over to me and sits beside me looking at me with those stupid eyes.

So fucking blue.

"Eleonora." I correct myself, looking at her soft innocent features. Fuck. Her chubby cheeks, her eyes, her pout. She's gonna get me killed. "No nicknames. No papà. No- None of this. Sí?"

I breathe in heavily, the bath still running clouding my hearing.

Please say you understand. Please say you understand. Please say you underst—

"No."

Shit.

No? Who'd she learn that from?

"Baby- Ellie- Oh my God." I've lost my mind. She's corrupting my fucking thinking. I can't think straight with those fucking blue eyes starring into my soul.

My heart is practically beating out of my fucking chest.

My hands cup over my mouth, my eyes close. I let out a dry chuckle. I can't believe this.

Ellie- fuck, Eleonora climbs to her knees, grabbing my arm.

I don't know where I went wrong with this.

"Papà, m'kay?" My chest pounds.

I can't ignore the want for her to call me that again. I can't help the longing for her to know the depth of her words. I can't help that I want to be her papà. I want her to stay with me.

I don't deserve anything good. I decided that for myself a long time ago. But this. This is good.

I don't know how to feel about that.

"No. Not okay." I answer her. My eyes open and I turn my head to see a tiny pout on her lips, a soft ache hit my chest.

I have to look away from the pout, it's too hard to look at and not cave.

Eleonora pries my arms open and somehow maneuvers her way onto my lap, her arms reach up to link around my neck. She hugs me.

Well shit.

For a girl who has probably known nothing but fear her whole life, my chest burns with how much empathy she's shown me. It almost makes me feel like I'm doing something right. Maybe I'm not as destructive as I think.

I find myself safe in her comfort. My arms wrap around her little body. A sense of pride sizzles through me when it registers that she's gained weight. I can't feel her ribs as easily anymore.

My eyes close. I take in her scent, my nose touching the top of her head.

"What am I going to do with you, piccolina?" I whisper, a lump forming at the bottom of my throat.

Then I realize, I've already given her a nickname. I already knew I never wanted to let this girl go since the first night I met her. I've been denying it this entire time.

Since the day I found her, I knew she was mine to protect. She is my girl.

I have no one to blame but myself. I put myself in the position to become something more to her when I took her in my house. When I bathed her. When I gave her a nickname. When I helped her fall asleep every night because she couldn't do it alone. When I stayed with her every night.

Fuck- I've been fooling myself this whole time.

"She tells you papà?" Ellie's head tilts, her ridiculous, big blue eyes meet my brown ones.

I don't even ask who because she probably doesn't remember their names.. or know how to say it.

I should get her a speech therapist.

I brush my fingers through her hair, feeling like someone sliced my heart open and stuffed it with teddy bears.

"Let's get a bath, sì?"

Ellie nods and I let out a sigh of relief.

I carry her into the bathroom and stop in my tracks when I see the bath water just about ready to tip over the tub.

"Shit!" I hiss and run to shut it off.

"Shit!" Ellie giggles and meets my eyes.

Great.

• • •

"You called me here for some catch up and whiskey?" He asks, walking into my study alongside of me.

I don't answer, I pull out two glasses out.

"You know this is giving me flashbacks to your father doing the same thing."

The auburn colored liquid splats into glass cups. I pour mine a little higher.

"I need your help."

"Don't you usually talk to John about this stuff." He grabs his glass. "Maybe your brothers?"

I sit back on my chair and he takes the one next to me, the whisky glass on the center table.

"She called me papà."

He doesn't speak. I takes a big gulp of the liquid in my cup.

"Well honestly Valerius, I can't say I'm surprised."

I looked over to Carlo with a scowl. Of course he would say that.

"Don't look at me like that!" He chuckles. "The girl clearly liked you from the beginning. You can't really be that surprised."

"Oh fuck you, Carlo! I didn't even know she knew what a fucking papà was. I don't know anything about her! I don't know what to do." I pour more into my glass.

"I'm a doctor, Valerius. Not a therapist, I can't tell you what to do." No shit. "But I know you want it."

"Want what?" I snap.

He's annoying me.

"A child. To be a father."

I scoff. My tongue sliding against the inside of my cheek. My jaw clenches.

I fucking hate that he's right.

"Why do you think you don't deserve to have what you want?"

"I thought you weren't a therapist." The rest of the drink slides down my throat.

"I'm not." He picks up his glass. "I'm a friend." He drinks it.

"Your my father's friend. Not mine."

"But I am your godfather. I think that counts for something." My eyes roll. I shouldn't have called him. "You didn't answer my question Valerius."

I think. My finger tapping my glass. I know the reason. I just don't know if I can admit it to myself.

"Carlo." I warn.

"Is it because she left or is it because your father put you into training at ten and for that you never had a childhood."

"Carlo I'm gonna fucking kill you if you don't get out of my house."

"What Valerius? Who cares about what happened years ago. This is now—"

"Get out."

"— you get to decide what happens. You're old enough. Be a fucking big boy and tell Eleonora that you want to be her papà!"

My gun is pointed at his skull, sitting on his forehead. I have him against the wall, my hand gripping his shirt.

Fire sizzles in my veins. He's got me pissed off. I know that's what he wants.

"Shut your fucking mouth." My voice is low, cold.

Carlo was completely unfazed. "Or what Valerius? You shoot me for telling you the truth?" My jaw ticks. "How mad does it make you to think about Eleonora calling someone else papà?"

"Don't." I press my gun further into his head.

"He carries her, loves her. She grows up and he walks her down the isle—"

My grip on his shirt is so tight that it rips slightly.

"—she grows up and it's not you who she comes to. She doesn't even know who you fucking are!"

I slam my gun to the ground and my fist is hitting his cheek in less than a second.

"Fuck you Carlo!" My hand rubs my jaw, I'm practically shaking.

He laughs. He fucking laughs, getting up from the ground.

"Admit it to yourself, go ahead. Tell me."

My hands tighten around the chair as I bend down, breathing heavily. My eyes close. My hands grab my knees.

I don't understand why it feels so hard to breathe.

"Alright. Don't then. I'll go tell that little girl upstairs that I'm going to take her to an orphanage because the man she thinks is her papà doesn't want her."

"Carlo. I swear to fucking God—"

He moves to walk out of my office.

"Don't!" I shout at him. I face him, my features softer than before.

"Don't what?" He pushes, staring into my fucking soul.

"Don't tell her that."

I can't have her think that.

"Why?"

I swallow the words in my throat until I muster the courage.

"Because she's not leaving."

"Why, Valerius? Why isn't she leaving?"

I bite the inside of my cheek. Fuck.

"Because I'm her papà and I'm telling you my daughter isn't going anywhere."

He smirked. "It's about fucking time."

• • •

"Ellie! Watch out!" I shout to her. She giggles, running away from me.

My hands grab under her armpits and lift her up before she could fall into a mud puddle. Ellie giggles when I pull her flush to my chest.

It's just barely raining today but the ground is still muddy, and now I'm muddy from picking her up.

For some reason, I just don't care.

"You little devil!" I chuck into the air and she shrieks, giggling. I place a kiss to her cheek. "You've made a mess of yourself." I walk inside, sliding her shoes off and tossing them on the porch outside to clean later.

It's been days since my talk with Carlo. John has noticed something shift between me and Ellie but he hasn't said anything. I know he's definitely heard Eleonora call me papà at least once.

I get Ellie into the bath and make sure she's clean before leaving her with John and taking a shower for myself.

The doorbell rings and I open the door, knowing who stands behind it.

"Looking extra good today." He winked at me, stepping inside with his bag. "Murderer has never looked better!"

"Gio." I greet blankly.

Giovanni Castelli is an exceptional hair stylist and designer. He was hired by my father to cut our hair and tailor our suits for outings. His father worked until his retirement, the same job as Gio has now.

"Now. Where's the baby. My hands have been itching to cut hair." His smile lights up his face.

My eyes roll. "You know—"

"You know you can't speak of this—," he mocks me. "Yes, I know. Now where's the child?" My eyes warn him to calm himself before I kick him out.

Gio's hair is cut and died green, his curls sat messily on his head. His eyeliner wings out dramatically. His clothes are his own creation, glittery and satin. He's the polar opposite of his father.

I start walking, he follows behind.

"You have to be gentle with her. Don't let her see the scissors." I tell him seriously.

"Yes, sir." Gio salutes me, winking. His gum pops.

We turn the corner and Ellie's head shoots up from her lunch. She tosses her chocolate pudding down and goes jumping out of her seat to get to me.

"Papà!" She smiles. John catches her before she falls off. She runs to me.

I pick her up and walk her back to the table, grabbing a napkin to wipe the chocolate off her face.

"So much for the bath, ai?" I raise my eyebrows, teasing her.

In the corner of my eyes I see John fighting a smile. What the fuck is up with him? I brush it off.

Gio gasps behind me. "Oh wow. She's perfect! Looks just like you too!" My head whips towards him.

What?

"Looks like me? No." I shake my head, my heart pounds through my chest. "She's not biologically mine."

How could he think that? We don't look alike.

Gio doesn't say anything else, he just smiles at Ellie. I brush his comment off but it never fully leaves my mind.

Ellie studies him in confusion. Probably wondering who he is.

"Ellie, this is Gio. Gio, Eleonora." I introduce. "He'll cut your hair, Ellie. Like I told you."

Eleonora's hair is long. Down to her butt, I'd guess she never had it cut before. It's too much for me to handle and I can tell she gets annoyed by it too. It's needs a cut.

I get Ellie into a chair and Gio starts spraying her hair. Ellie isn't a fan of the water so I hold her hand and cover her eyes with my other one.

Her eyes squeeze together and she bends forward every-time he sprays her hair.

"Can't you be a little more careful?" I hiss at Gio.

He hums, sliding his comb behind his ear. Dickhead.

Ellie's hand squeezes mine.

With the first snip of the scissors, Ellie jolts forward and her hand holds mine even tighter.

When we're done, Ellie lets out a heavy sigh of relief. It makes my heart swell.

Gio finishes up the blow drying and puts some product in her hair. He hands me a bottle of something.

"If you want to keep those curls nice, use this. Take care of your girl." Gio chides and hands me the bottle.

I look at it in confusion. I'll have to look this up later.

While Gio cleans up, I take out my phone and show Ellie her hair. Now, her thick brown hair is cut to just below her collarbones. I think Gio took off about seven inches. A lot of fucking hair.

Ellie looks at herself, her head tilts. She touches her hair and her eyes go wide when she notices it is much shorter.

A small gasp leaves her lips, her mouth forming an 'o' as her head turns back to look at me.

I laugh lowly, brushing through her hair with my fingers. A slight smile teases my lips.

"You like it?"

"She better!" Gio chimes in jokingly from behind us.

Her head nods.

"Bellissima." I whisper to her, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. My eyes meet her bright blues.

My heart aches of the similarities her eyes hold. It's fucking insane.

Ellie takes my phone in her hands, tapping buttons.

"Bell-it-imas!" She tries to copy. Her giggle lightens my heart.

"Close, piccolina. Close. I will teach you, sì?"

• • •

"Ellie." I say seriously, holding her small hands in mine.

I've been meaning to ask her something. Something I'm scared of asking, even though I shouldn't be. She's fucking four.. I think.

"Mhmm.. papà!" She gives me all of her attention.

There goes my heart.

"Papà.. yes." I clear my throat. It still feels weird to have her say that. "Ellie, can I ask you something?" She nods, puffing her cheeks out.

Ellie swings her feet back and forth. I have her sitting on the counter. I stand in front of her, nerves prickling through me.

"Ellie, do you know what forever is?"

"No..," she blinks at me.

Great.

"Forever is a really long time.. and when you have a papà, you stay with them till you're very old." I need to find a better way of explaining this.

"Papà and Ellie old?" Her head tilts.

"No, baby. Papà and Ellie aren't old. Not yet." I laugh a little.

"Oh."

"Ellie.. piccolina.. little devil-spawn. Do you—", I hesitate. I swallow what was left in my dry throat. "Do you want to stay here with papà forever? Is that okay?" My eyes soften, my chest pounding.

Ellie blinks up at me then smiles.

"Papà and Ellie forever."

I breathe a sigh of relief, putting a hand on the back of her head before kissing the crown of her head.

"Papà and Ellie forever."

• • •