"You thought you could make a place in everyone's heart with your untainted love.

You thought their souls were as pure as your innocent one.

Untill you see that all plants you watered are not always roses and shrubs.

The thorns that you grew are what made you realise that your Selfless love was incomplete. If you never loved.

Yourself first."

- suzangill

......

It was almost night when I wake up from my sleep. My eyes fluttering open to immediately land on the place beside me on the bed. To only find it empty.

Extending my hand, I touch the the empty space where he should have been.

To not find it warm. Meaning he has left long time ago.

Clenching my fists. I close my eyes to only have flashes of last night come rushing in my mind.

Our naked bodies were intermingled together,skin touching. He was thrusting inside me making my mind to go blank. My Body to feel alive like it never felt before.

Like a fire that he lit and was not ready to be quenched.

Yes, we have done it before, it was not the first time. But never like this. It was beyond words, and my body was no longer mine.

Just a puppet of him.

It felt so...so strange...yet so....hot.

I never thought one could feel like that.. to such an extent to almost forget about everything else

Heights of Ecstasy.

Yah... that's what they call it

I never knew he had that side to him or rather that he will show it to me.

His domineering side.

But he was perfect. A master and me? Just a muse.

I had never had a night like this before.

I never felt so connected to him before.

He was allowing me to touch him . He didn't hold himself back.

It's like he was finally letting himself out.

It was intense, it was raw, unquenchable.But the intention to hurt was never there.

When I look into his eyes , I only find one thing and that was equally present in mine as well.

Waiting for his sparks to light it.

The Passion

Raw

Unbound

Unleashed

It showed behind his veils.It brought out the real him. It showed me how a man like Aaron Reed fuc*s when he truly loves someone.

And I didn't stop him, I wanted him as much as he wanted me. For him to claim me completely.

Because I was enjoying it.

When suddenly he has stopped. His grey eyes looking at me under him in fear. His eyes searching for something inside my brown ones.

Lost in his own thoughts.

And I couldn't help cup his face in my palms. Caressing his cheek, to ask lowly.

" Aaro-n"

His palms on the either side of my head on the mattress, turn into fists. And I see him close his eyes. His breaths unsteady and heavy.

As he seemed to be having a battle with himself. Physically he was here, over me. In my arms but mentally?

He was perplexed. Lost like a child not knowing which way to go.

His next words proving my thoughts.

"Fuc*!..... I ..I can't do this.No! This is wrong...so damn wrong! No!! How can I!!!! "

" Aaron calm down"

His eyes were looking around at everything except me in anxiety. Head moving in a no as he curses himself. Trying to move back from me.

When I stop him. Locking my arms behind his neck, pulling him back on top of me.

He looked afraid.

His hands scared to even touch me.

" You did nothing wrong Aaron. Shh just look at me. Calm down. I want this...I want you. This is not wrong"

He grey eyes look at me in hope to suddenly have him lower them. Again shaking his head in a no. Trying to get up from me.

" You....you don't understand..you don't know what I am capable of......hell you don't even know what you are saying Ezra!"

" Shhh I said look at me. Take deep breaths."

" I trust you Aaron. I trust you more than myself."

" You will never intentionally hurt me."

" Believe me"

His vulnerable eyes were searching for hope and I was just giving him that. Blinking at me, he was deciding. Weighing his thoughts when he asks me innocently.

" I...I won't hurt you?"

Smiling. I pull him lower to kiss his nose. Nodding.

" You won't"

" Do you want me to continue...are you sure?"

And I nod. Giving him my answer. And he smashes his lips on mine. And what happened next?

Well I would say I was really in oblivion. In another world. I felt so many things, I experienced so many heights that I didn't wanted to come back to the ground.

Despite being tired I wanted him to continue. To let him out his insecurities. His fears.

Hoping to leave just one thing in the end after this night.

And that was Love.

However I didn't expected his side of the bed to be empty. I look up at the watch to find it around 9 o clock at night.

Can it be that he had some important work?

It has to be or he wouldn't leave me like this. Right? Suppressing a yawn. I move to get up to only find my lower body a little sore.

Moving aside the comforter I get up. To go to the washroom. Standing in front of the mirror. I clean the sleep dust out of my eyes.

Starting the tap when his words from last night. Strike my mind again.

"Do you seriously thou- ght that I was falling for a girl like you Ezra?"

Why was he saying all this? He didn't meant that did he?

"You go around begging for love. Opening your legs thinking you will ever have a place in my heart. When no matter what . I had and will always feel only one thing for people like you."

" Disgust"

My grip on the tap tightens as I shake my head in a no. No...these words were a lie. He didn't meant them. He was saying it just to push me away.

But why?

" A girl like you who is dependent on others for even a fuc*I g smile on her lips."

" A girl who doesn't even know her true self worth. Requires me to what?"

" Love her?"

I take deep breaths. Don't take his words seriously Ezra. You love him. You can only do that only if you love yourself. You are precious. Way precious.

He knows your worth and that's why he is afraid to hurt you.

He cares for you.

I feel it in my heart.

Splashing water on my face. I look at myself in the mirror.

Yes, I wasn't extraordinary beautiful. Just an average girl. But I know my worth. Looks weren't everything, hearts are what matter more.

If you are beautiful on the inside, automatically everything related to you becomes beautiful.

Removing the robe, I decide to take a bath. When suddenly I go still. The evidence of the rough night we had last night was there.

I narrow my eyes at the hickeys lined down my neck to my chest and I feel warmness rush inside me. Damn. He surely was possesive and let not just one but a lot of claims on me.

I trail my fingers on the discolored skin to bite my lip. His words again repeating.

"I would fuc* you to oblivion Stupid girl"

He did actually. So much passion. So much lust. It was the best se* of my life.

Letting the robe drop down I gulp as I see the other few marks he left lower. Hell I didn't even feel them yesterday.

But again my skin was too sensitive. It gets bruised easily.

We were so lost ,that nothing mattered to us at that time.

What a crazy couple one would say. Smiling to myself. I turn around to enter the tub and take a warm relaxing bath when suddenly I hear the door bell ring.

"It must be Aaron!

Sh*t! I was feeling nervous yet excited. He is already back when I just woke up .Will he want it again? The thought alone made my insides to feel weird in anxiousness.

" Coming!"

I scream on top of my lungs. Knowing already my voice was not even going to reach the hallway.

Tieing back the robe. I literally run out in excitement. To only have Bells accompany me.

A broad smile on my lips and my hands sweaty in anxiousness.

Damn.

You are loosing it Ezra. Calm your nerves. It's just Aaron.

Opening the door. I open my mouth to speak. When my smile drops as I found a person's back on me.

" Y-es?"

I ask sceptically. My brows furrowed. Making the person to turns. And I just blink in disbelief.

Not able to believe to see him of all the people, here.

" Cupcake?"

He speaks softly. His eyes looking at me like he he always used to. And I was suddenly feeling something rising in my chest.

All these months. His absence. Him not replying to my messages. Him not being there when I needed him.

His words that day.

The hate I saw in his eyes that day.

I hear my heart beating faster in my chest. And I feel tears sting my eyes. I refuse to look at him.

Turning around to rush back inside. To only hear his heavy footsteps rushing behind.

" Cupcake please atleast listen to me."

I refuse to stop. Afraid of looking into his eyes and forgiving him. Afraid of showing him how much he has hurt me in the past.

" Wha-t are you do-ing here Ben?"

I say avoiding him as he speaks as if he didn't just ghosted me all these months.

" How are you Ezra?"

His voice was vulnerable but I was not buying it. Trying to sound brave, I speak clenching my fists. My back still on him.

" I am fine. You don't need to show your concern now." . .

" Aaron is not here. I will tell him you stopped by when he comes"

I try to walk away again. When his next words made that uneasiness in my chest to worsen.

" I am not here for him Ezra. I came to meet you"

No...Ezra. You can't forgive him. Just leave. Leave. I have taken two steps away .

To suddenly feel a strong grip on my wrist. And next I know. I am turned around and pulled into a hard chest. His arms immediately coiling around me. Holding me like I am the most valuable thing in the world.

While I stay still.

Those tears leaving my eyes to wet his shirt. As he holds me protectively. Whispering in my ear.

" I am so sorry cupcake. Please forgive me. I was a fool. A cowards. I didn't had the guts to face you."

" Please don't be angry."

He pleads. Rubbing his hands on my back and I close my eyes accepting his warmth.

I can't stay angry at anyone for much long. I am too sensitive. To empathetic.

And I sometimes hate it about myself.

" Y-ou left me Ben...you left me all alone. I hate you! I hate you so much!"

Sobbing. I try to punch his chest. Trying to hurt him like he has hurt me. And he doesn't stop me. Accepting my assault.

I don't know how long I kept punching him. As he kept staring into my teary eyes. To finally have him lift his brow and ask me.

" Damn Cupcake you have grown fiesty. "

" Did my little sheep grew into a lioness finally"

He said referring to our joke from earlier. And I stop. Throwing my arms around him. To only have him literally pull me up from his grip on my waist. Twirling me around, making those teary eyes to smile.

And all my anger to vanish.

" Fuc*! I missed you so much Cupcake."

He speaks in my ear. Inhaling my scent and I smile. I missed him to...way too much than anyone back in home.

But I still had to show my anger and not be so soft so easily.

Happy seeing him struggle for some time to earn my apology. . . . . We were sitting in the lobby after I changed into jeans and top and made him something to drink. I hand him a cup of hot coffee. Sitting beside him, holding my own cup.

His eyes trailing on me from top to bottom. As he looked lost in thoughts.

His expression impossible to decipher.

We continue to sit in awkward silence. And he didn't seemed to be his usual self.

His right leg shaking in anxiousness.

" What's it Ben?"

I say . Looking at him. To have him take a sip of the coffee and sigh.

Keeping aside the glass , he instead crouches down to sit on the carpet on his knees just in front of me. Holding my hand in his.

Caressing my knuckles with his thumb.

Looking into my eyes.

" Tell me truthfully Ezra. Did he hurt you?"

He asks sounding anxious. And I look at him in confusion. Furrowing my brows.

" Who? "

I ask clueless. And his reply made my heart to thud.

" My brother Ezra. Don't try to save him this time. Tell me the truth. I can't see you like this anymore! Hell I shouldn't have let you marry him only!"

"What are you saying Ben! Why will he hurt me?

I ask. My anger surging. What is his problem with Aaron? Why does he hate him so much?

I know Aaron is not an idle brother. But he does care for him and his family. Why can't he see it.

And next I know he just sighs. Moving up his hands to caress my face. His knuckles brushing my cheeks softly. To ask me politely.

" You don't have to keep up with him Cupcake. I won't let him hurt you again. I promise."

Seeing him say all this about Aaron made something rise in my chest.

Clenching my fist. I push aside his hand from my cheek to get up. Seeing hurt in his eyes, but I didn't cared.

" What's your problem with Aaron huh? Why do you always portray him so bad?"

" And who the hell told you he hurt me! Aaron would never hurt me! He cares for me! "

" He loves me dammit! Do you hear me?"

" Ezra atleast lis-"

He just looks at me in sympathy. Trying to move forward to calm me when I interrupt him. Showing him my hand.

" Enough Ben. If you are here just to talk all this sh*t about my husband. I would rather have to ask you to leave."

Ben wasn't offended. The girl was in love with his brother. And love often makes one blind.

"I know my brother Ezra. It's not like he doesn't love me or our family. He does.Alot. But sometimes. His anger...it clouds all his rationality."

" He forgets all that everyone does for him .He becomes selfish. He doesn't care if he hurts others"

" He just does what he feels is right."

And I retort back. Looking into his eyes with fury burning.

" Everyone has their flaws Ben. It's not like he is perfect but neither are we! We can't just judge people like this."

Ben scoffs. Shaking his head in disbelief.

" Yes we are not perfect Cupcake. But we try to change for the ones we love."

"We make efforts. We make ourselves deserving. We make our love heal."

" Just like you have been doing all these years. Just like you are trying to become strong. To be braver."

" For him"

I knows Ben understands me more than anyone. He is the only person I used to lay my heart open to. But this Ben? He is a changed man.

He is taking the wrong side. He is judging Aaron without knowing his side of the story.

Stepping closer. He looks into my eyes , to ask me in a tired voice.

Like he hated arguing with me.

" How much more will you love him Ezra?"

" How much more?"

And Ezra just smiles. While Ben looks at her in sympathy. Not knowing how he will disclose her about the paper placed in his pocket.

" It perpetual Ben. It never does. It only gets stronger with time."

And Ben clenches his fist. Not saying a word.

Moving back from her he just nods. Knowing she will not understand this, till it actually happens.

Till her heart breaks into million pieces.

Picking up his cell. He speaks in a detached voice.

" Mom is calling you over. Why don't you come with me ? It's been long since you last visited."

I really wanted to meet everyone. But Aaron? He told me not to leave home. He said it's not safe. Plus he is not back yet.

" Wait. Let me ask Aaron first. He was saying few days back only. How he longed to meet you all."

Searching for my phone. I finally found it and dialled his number. To only find it switched of.

Strange. His phone is never switched off.

I try again. To only see Ben continuing to stare at me with concern on his features.

" Umm his battery must have gone. Why don't we wait? I am sure he will come back any second."

I say smiling. Going towards the kitchen.

" What about your favourite Lasagna? Shall I make it for you in the meanwhile."

I say. Taking out the pan to get it ready. When his next words made me go still.

" You shouldn't wait for him Ezra. He is not coming back."

" What?"

I ask confused. To only have him pull out something from his pocket. Offering it to me.

And I look between him and the papers. Confused.

Still taking them.I see him avoiding my gaze as I open the envelope to take them out.

The words written on top of it. Made the pan to drop from my hands and my footsteps to stumble back.

My eyes turning glossy as I read the words again and again. To see if this was reality.

If it was not my hallucinating.

My legs shaking , mind numb and a throbbing in my head worsening. As I gulp shaking my head in a no.

Looking up at Ben.

" Hahaha very funny B-en. You got me. Stop joking now."

However no humour was evident on Ben's face as he steps closer. While I step back.

A tear leaving my eyes to wet the paper.

" He has signed it Ezra. He asked me to tell you to sign it."

" He won't be coming back this time."

Something stuck behind my foot.And next I know. I stumble back to fall. When Ben's arm immediately coils around my waist.

Steading me.

" I am sorry Cupcake."

Was all he said looking into my eyes and I let the tears to finally fall. Sobbing, asking him just one question again and again.

" Why! Why Ben! Why!"

" Shhh it will be fine"

Was all he said pulling me to a hug. And I felt the entire world drop with only him holding me up.

"I will leave you ruined."

" I will leave you vulnerable and helpless"

" I will break you Ezra"

"So that you can't ever say." . . . . " That you love Aaron Reed again."

His last words echo in my mind and I sob harder. Tightly clenching Ben's shirt.

This? Is this what he was referring to?

Did he wanted to break me like this?

If yes, then I have to admit. That this time he finally did it.

He broke me today.

He made my Selfless Love weak.

He made me a loser today.

He made me realise, no matter how much one does for others in this world. It takes just one moment, one second. To break it all down. To forget all their good deeds.

To make them a stranger tomorrow when they were your everything last night in your arms.

"You are a pathetic stupid brainless girl. Who knows nothing but to fuc*ing follow me everywhere"

" A girl whose happiness. Whose world. Whose love."

" Revolves around others!"

" Is dependent on others!"

Suddenly his words were hitting the right spot. Was I really so selfless that I forgot about myself.

I became so desperate?

Love yourself first.

Ben was right. He always is. Why didn't I listen to him before?

I was always so proud of my love for him. Look where my Selfless love brought me today.

At the brink of the dissolution of my marriage.

At divorce.

To be left all alone.

" ..my Selfless love ....lo-st today Ben. He...he was right..."

" I am just a stu-pid girl"

I say inbetween my sobs as Ben held me in his arms. To only have him cup my face. To place a kiss on my forehead.

" You are way stronger than any girl I have ever met Cupcake."

" Trust God's will"

Was all he say. And I don't know how long I stayed like that in his arms. My eyes fixed at the door. Hoping for him to return.

But nothing. He didn't come back.

And I don't know when I surrender to darkness.