'And?' Brandon asks curiously as we enter the house again, 'Will it be a set of boys or a set of girls?'

Celine and Leya look at me, waiting for me to reply.

But I simply shake my head and turn back to Brandon, 'They're healthy.'

'That's all that matters.' Leya chimes as she sticks right by my side. 'Don't you want to find out their gender?'

I shake my head and walk toward the stairs, ready to lock myself in the bedroom for the rest of the day.

'I don't even know if I want to keep them.' I can hear gasps, making me wonder if they heard my soft whisper. But since everyone was silent, and since, when I turn around, they're all staring at me, I figure they did.

I haven't said it out loud yet, but I don't think I'll be able to have kids at this point.

I don't deserve it.

I don't deserve any of it, and I know that.

I only deserve bad things. Pain and torture.

Like this.

They stare at me, silent but in shock, and I can see the worry filling their eyes. 'I-'

'You can't give them up for adoption, Neveah.' I sigh deeply and feel the tears well in my eyes again. 'Why not?'

They would probably be better off somewhere else. Away from all of this...

'Because you two have been trying for so long and-' 'You two...' The words cut through me like a knife.

You two... Tiago and me.

We have been trying. But I'm alone now.

'It's just me now.' Leya holds onto me a little tighter and looks at Brandon, probably glaring at him. 'You're not alone in this.'

'Leon wouldn't want you to give them up for adoption.' We all turn around, towards Marco who was apparently listening to us the entire time.

Leon wouldn't want you to give them up for adoption... Leon...

He's fucking gone.

'And I didn't want him to die.' I startle myself with the anger clearly audible in my voice, and shake my head wearily, 'I didn't-' 'None of us did.'

No fucking shit... I can't help but feel angry at him for saying stupid shit like this, but at least he's talking again.

Because according to Leya, who has been keeping me up to date about everyone, he hasn't been very talkative.

But I don't know if this is any better.

'Marco-' 'I'm just saying what we're all thinking.' He says, cutting Celine off.

'Just shut up.' Brandon sneers at his brother, before giving me a pathetic smile.

Filled with pity...

I hate pity.

I hate that everything feels so disorientated.

I hate that he's not here to ground me.

To ground us all.

Because it feels like everyone is all over the place.

'I think you should keep them.' Marco continues, ignoring everyone else, as he keeps his eyes on me and takes a step forward.

'Good thing I didn't ask you.' I reply, wanting to stop whatever this is.

I just want to go back to my room and lock myself up again.

'Leon wouldn't have wanted you to-' 'I don't care what he would or wouldn't want me to do, because he's fucking gone!' I shout, startling everyone else.

Because Marco isn't the only one who has barely been talking lately.

'So shouldn't you-' 'That's enough.' Marco looks at Leya, protest evident in his eyes, but shakes his head as he leaves again.

'Neveah, I-' Brandon sighs deeply and steps forward, moving closer to me, 'I'm so sorry, he's an idiot.'

He's not wrong.

Tiago would want me to keep the children. The twins... I know that too.

But that doesn't make any of this easier.

How am I supposed to raise two kids on my own? How am I supposed to do the one thing we both wanted more than anything in the world, on my fucking own?

'I'm going back to my room.' I mutter as I turn around, feeling Leya's hands on my arm. 'I'll help you.'

She takes me to the room and watches as I climb into the same mess of a bed. The sheets are all messed up and the pillowcases are barely holding on.

'Do you want to go for our daily walk later?' She asks, moving to the edge of the bed.

That's a new thing she wants me to do.

Go for a walk with her every day, just so that I get out of the house. So that I keep going.

'Do we have to?' I ask as I try to get comfortable in the bed again, 'We already went out today?'

We even got food on our way back from the hospital. Even if I barely ate anything, we went out longer than we normally do.

And even though I should enjoy it all, I can't.

I fucking can't.

I'm just freaking out and I don't know what to do.

I don't want to move on, but I don't want to stay in this endless cycle of pain either.

I just want everything to stop.

'That's why I'm asking you.' She says as she slowly climbs closer to me.

'What are you doing?' She places her head on my stomach and gets comfortable by wrapping her arms around me. 'Hanging out with you.'

'You don't have to-' 'I want to.' She intervenes.

I should laugh. I should tell her that everything is fine and that everything will be fine.

But I can't.

I can barely move, I can barely blink, I can barely breathe.

It's dramatic, I know that, but I can't stop it.

I can't stop the pain that feels like blood running through my veins. Something so natural, yet it's not.

Because I know it shouldn't hurt this much.

'Do you want something to eat?' She asks, holding me in her arms.

I shake my head and listen to her breathing, 'You don't have to stay with me, you know?'

I know she's staying strong to keep all of us sane, but she shouldn't be with me.

She has been with me most of the time, making me wonder how Rio is dealing with all of this.

Because she has been telling me how everyone has been doing. Everyone but her husband.

'Do you want me to leave too?' She jokes as she looks up and brushes my tears away.

I didn't even know I was crying again.

I look down at her and frown, wondering who told her to leave. 'Who said that?'

'No one, it's just a joke.' She lies to keep me away from the drama.

But I would much rather talk about whatever happened than think about everything that's on my mind.

'It's not.' She sighs deeply and unwraps her arms from my body, trying to move on from the subject, 'Tell me.'

She shakes her head and takes my hands in hers, before taking a deep breath. 'Cataleya?'

'It's nothing.' I look at her, wondering who it might be.

But there's only one person that comes to mind, only one person that would make sense.

'Did Rio tell you to leave him alone?' Her expression doesn't change when she hears my words, but she doesn't look at me either.

She simply keeps her eyes on our hands, staying completely silent.

'Leya?' My voice turns harder, more curious.

It would make sense.

She would never leave him alone, especially not now, unless he told her to. And even then, I don't think she would.

'What else did he say?' I ask as I pull my hand away.

She looks up at me and sighs deeply, wondering why I'm not dropping it already.

But Rio messed up.

I already know he said some hurtful shit and she doesn't deserve it.

I haven't seen Rio in a couple of days, because I've been staying in my room, but I will gladly go out to tell him to stop hurting her and-

'Don't even think about it.' She says, grabbing my hand again, 'Nothing happened.'

I sigh deeply, trying to fill my lungs with air that doesn't sting.

But it doesn't work.

'I'm not going to do anything.' I state, making her frown for a second before she lays down on me again. 'It's fine, don't worry about me.'

I want to laugh, but I can't.

I have been telling her the same thing time and time again, but she wouldn't listen either.

'Did he hurt you?' I can feel her hand shaking as she loosens her grip, making my heart stop for a second, 'Leya did he-' 'He threatened to kill me.'

My eyes widen at her revelation, but she doesn't notice. She won't look at me. As if she's ashamed to even admit it.

'He did what?' I ask, raising my tone as much as I can. 'He went after the police and wanted to kill them all, I tried stopping him and he said that he would kill me if I didn't move out of his way.'

I hold onto her a little tighter, knowing that she's hurt by what he said.

'I just- I don't get why it hurts so much, because he threatened to do it before?' She mutters, slowly looking up at me.

'I'm sorry Ley.' I whisper as I pull her closer, hugging her as the tears start to stream.

I don't know why I'm crying, but it doesn't seem to bother her.

'He shouldn't have said that.' And I'll make sure he'll start using his brain again...

'He was angry,' She continues, looking away again, 'So angry.'

'And you were just trying to help.' I say as I brush over her hair, 'You didn't deserve that.'

She sighs again, a deep sigh, but strained.

She's in pain. So much pain.

And I know that it's not only because of the fight with Rio, I know that there's so much more.

I don't think I've seen her cry a single tear after finding out Tiago's dead.

At least not in front of anyone else.

She's been too busy dealing with all of our bullshit.

All because I fell in love with a man who's now dead.

'I'm sorry Cataleya.' I state, making her look up at me with a frown again. 'Why are you-'

'You don't deserve any of this.' She shakes her head and pushes herself up again, 'It's fine, we'll get over it and-' 'It's not fine, Leya.'

I push myself up as well, taking her hands in mine as my body trembles at the sudden movement.

'You're suffering and I have been crying non-stop, not even helping you with all of this and-' She shakes her head and squeezes my hands. 'It's fine, you-'

I pull my hands away and wonder why she keeps doing this.

She shouldn't put me first in this. She should think about herself.

I don't know if I'll manage to grieve him without her here, but I can't stand seeing her in so much pain because she couldn't.

'You're in pain.' I state, my voice soft and fragile again.

'Aren't we all?' She asks rhetorically, making the last pieces of my shattered heart crumble even more.

Every single one in this house has been in pain.

Hell, even Kai has been acting differently.

I pull her into my arms and listen to her breathe.

She wouldn't have to go through all of this if I told her about my history with the Curzios. She wouldn't have to go through all of this if I told her that we shouldn't go to Italy but went somewhere else instead.

I should've told her. It would've spared her a lot of pain.

'I'm sorry Leya.' I say as I hold onto her as tight as I can. She wraps her arms around me and brushes her hand over my back, trying to stop me from shaking so much. 'It's not your fault.'

But some of this shit is.

She slowly lets go of me and climbs out of bed, before turning on the light. 'We should head to bed.'

I look at the time and notice that it's getting late indeed.

'I'll go shower and get changed, before coming back okay?' She asks as she heads for the door.

I nod and move to the edge of the bed, my feet touching the hard floor.

'And Veah,' I look up at her as she stays in the doorway, looking at me, 'I love you.'

Her soft smile makes the pain stop for a split second before it all comes crashing down again, but I'm able to stand through it.

'I love you too.'

She rushes out of the room, going to take a shower so that she can sleep in the same room as me.

Ever since the nightmares started, she wants to sleep in the same room as me. To keep me safe.

I get up from the bed and make my way to the bedroom, looking at the mess of a woman I see in the reflection.

My hair is all tangled up, even though I barely took it out of the bun it has been in for a couple of days by now, and I have dark bags under my eyes.

But the most noticeable thing, the most noticeable change is the small bump forming underneath my clothes.

Twins...

When we went to the hospital the first time after Celine's suspicions, I was stunned when I heard I was having twins.

That was almost two weeks ago.

And now I'm here.

Almost four months pregnant, without the love of my life.

Because he's dead.

I almost fall to my knees at the thoughts roaming through my mind and place my hands on the sink for support.

Twins...

He always wanted kids. We've always wanted kids. And now we're- I'm having twins.

Without him here.

I slowly take off my clothes and take a quick shower, not even bothering to wash my hair since it won't fix anything, and head back to the room in some shirt that's laying on the ground.

Leya is already sitting on the bed, looking at me.

I climb back onto the bed and pull the covers over my body, almost all the way over my head.

'Can I ask you something?' Leya asks as the bed dips down a little.

Her face pops up as she pulls down the sheets just enough to free my face.

I nod and turn around, facing her completely as she gets comfortable by my side. 'We were all thinking about ways we could help you with... all of this.' Oh god...

'And we figured- well Brandon suggested therapy.' No. I'm not doing therapy.

Never. Again.

'I told them how you felt about therapy, but Brandon said he heard about this new therapist who graduated two years ago.' She continues, 'She helped a lot of people deal with grief, so he figured that she could help you too.' She...

The last therapist- the only therapist I had was a male.

I didn't like him at all. He was rude and tried to make assumptions about my life, about my childhood.

'Where is she from?' I ask, hoping that she'll tell me more information, but doesn't realize that I'm interested in hearing more.

Just hearing, nothing else.

'Sweden, but she studied in England for a couple of years.' Sweden.

There's no way we will be able to travel to Sweden. Not with them still searching for Hunter.

'And your question?' I ask, wondering where this is leading up to even though I think I already know what she wants to ask.

'Would you like to have a session with her?' I shake my head and try to get comfortable in the warm bed, even though it feels cold and wrong. 'There's no point.'

'We can fly her in and try just one session, just to see how it goes?' I look into her eyes, almost laughing again.

Because they planned everything already. No matter what I would answer.

'You know how I think about therapists, Leya.' She nods and pulls the covers up again. 'I'll be there by your side, nothing will go wrong.'

'I don't know...' I know it won't help with the pain, I know it won't change anything.

So why waste time?

'Brandon planned a session for tomorrow, so just think about it.'

I turn around and close my eyes, not liking the fact that they went behind my back and planned a session without my consent, but feeling guilty for getting annoyed because they want me to get through this.

I watch as the digits on the clock change until the sun starts to come up again, feeling the exhaustion and pain mix again.

Normally, I would stay in bed and enjoy the last minutes of peace before the day would start.

But not today.

I force myself out of bed and quickly go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, before sneaking out of the bedroom, into the hall.

It's dark and silent, seemingly abandoned.

But I can silently hear a baby cooing down the hall. Leroy.

I haven't seen him these last few days and I miss the sounds he makes.

A few more minutes pass of me just listening to Leroy babbling to himself.

I slowly make my way down the stairs, hoping that Rio is in his office.

But for some reason, I just know that he is.

I open the door, finding him behind his desk in a dark office. I can see his dark features.

Sleepless eyes, barely fed, unable to move too much, and barely feeling anything.

'What the fuck is wrong with you?' He looks at me and barely gives me a second of his time, before looking back at his phone.

'I'm busy.' He says, his voice hoarse and filled with pain. 'You're an idiot.'

He doesn't give me another second of his time and stares at his phone again.

'Why are you being a bitch to Leya?' He types away, completely ignoring me. 'I'm talking to you.'

'I said I was busy, so go back to your room and leave me alone.' He sneers, not once looking at me as he does.

'She's your wife.' His eyes instantly meet mine and I can see a mix of two emotions.

Pain and anger.

And even though the pain has been the emotion that has been stronger lately, anger is the overpowering emotion in his eyes this morning.

'I know that.' His voice is as hard as stone and as cold as ice, trying to slice through me like a knife. 'Start acting like it then.'

'I have no idea what you're talking about.' He says as he turns back to his phone. 'You are shutting her out.'

'And you think that I'm doing that on purpose?' I shake my head, making him look away from his phone again, but not directly at me either.

'We keep hurting her and she doesn't deserve it.' He sighs deeply and lowers his phone again, impatiently putting it on his desk.

I hate that he's not saying much. I hate that he's acting like his old self. I hate that he's acting like this.

But like I said, everything and everyone is acting differently.

Like something shifted in our system.

Like something is missing.

'You said that you wouldn't hurt her.' I say, feeling my own anger rise as he simply stares at me unamused. 'So?'

'You're hurting her.' His jaw clenches for a few seconds before he calms himself down by taking a deep breath. 'I'm not the only one hurting her.' So that makes it okay?

I don't know what happened to him.

I know that he's in pain, worse than any of us are, I know that. But that doesn't make it right for him to hurt his wife, the one person who wants to be there for him when none of us can.

'You threatened to kill her?' Anger held the power until my words came through to him, 'Are you crazy?!'

I don't want to raise my voice. I just don't have the energy for it. But I can't help it.

'She told you.' He states, more as a confirmation for himself. 'Why the fuck would you do that?'

'She was in my way and-' 'She is your wife.' He tries to inhale again, but fails to do so, and looks at the desk in front of him.

'You love her more than anything.' I know he still loves her, their love will never die, 'You don't threaten to kill the one person you love the most in this world.'

'North-' 'You're an absolute idiot for talking to her like that, I mean- did you even think for a second what your words would do to her?' I shout, hoping that I won't wake anyone up.

But I know that my voice is too weak to even be heard in the hall.

'She's hurting too- we all are, but she- she hides it so that she seems strong because we are all falling apart!' I continue, wondering why he isn't saying anything back, 'You are pushing her away, and for what? To end up alone after promising her that you'll stick by her side? After marrying her?!'

'She's next.' He says, his voice raw and pained.

Out of all the things he could say, he could shout and yell at me or he could go and run over to her and apologize, this is what he decides to say.

She's next.

'What do you mean?' I ask, my anger still high and my body still tense.

I want to throw something at him. I want him to hurt for hurting Leya, but he's not the only one hurting her.

I've been hurting her too.

'They usually go for spouses first,' He explains, looking at me, but at the same time not looking at me.

As if he's walking through his own mind, not really talking to anyone but himself.

'And then family members, they leave you with no one.' He continues, slowly tilting his head up a little, 'Don't you get it?'

I stay by the door and lean against the wall as his eyes place nonexistent weights on my shoulders.

'They will go for her next,' He whispers, his voice filled with more fear than ever before, 'I can't lose her, Neveah.'

Neveah. He rarely calls me Neveah.

My heart starts racing out of fear, but I push it away and shake my head as much as I can, feeling the world spin for a second.

She's not going to be next. She's not.

Rio would give his life for hers. I would give my life for hers. She will not be next.

'Don't push her away out of fear.' His pained eyes turn back to me, back to the actual reality of it all. 'She doesn't deserve it.'

'I know... But...' He tries to find the right words, something that he doesn't have to do very often, 'I love her too much to lose her North.'

My heart swells at his words, something he can say a lot easier to anyone else but her, and sinks almost instantly.

He's scared he's going to lose her too. Just like he lost the only family he had left. The only actual blood-related family he had left.

Tiago... Tears well in my eyes again, but I try to blink them away.

'You're going to lose her if you keep pushing her away.' I know Leya is strong, I know she can handle a lot of things, but she'll snap at some point.

It might take a while for her to do so because she can endure a lot, but she will snap if he keeps hurting her like that.

And then she'll leave even if she doesn't want to.

'You're not alone in this, you know.' I know that loss can make you feel lonely sometimes.

Most of the time for me.

Even if you're surrounded by a billion friends or family members, the loss of someone you love will leave a hole in your soul.

And that hole will always be there. No one can fill it the way that they did.

No one can make you feel better about it, no one can make the pain stop, and no one can help you with it either.

But some people can help you through it. They can make you forget, or at least try to.

That doesn't mean the hole will disappear because it won't. It will never disappear.

But it will be bearable. You will be able to endure it. You have to.

That's how I survived the last losses in life, that's how I survived most of the stuff that happened to me, so why isn't it working now?

Why does it feel like nothing will change? Not even in a million years?

'Marco told me you were thinking about giving up the babies for adoption.' He states, moving on from that painful subject to this one. Marco...

'I haven't decided yet-' 'You are not giving my nephews or nieces up for adoption.' My blood runs cold at his hard tone, but I stay standing against the wall. 'You don't get to decide that.'

'Trust me,' He grabs his phone again, 'I do.'

Something in his voice makes my mind spiral into a dark corner, making me wonder how far he would go to make me keep my babies.

His phone starts ringing and he doesn't waste any time before picking it up and bringing it to his ear.

'Get out.' He says, before turning his full attention to whoever it is on the other side of the line.

Despite wanting to tell him he's not going to decide for me or my children, I get out of the room.

Because I know he won't listen and he won't let me give them up for adoption.

Now, don't get me wrong. I wanted to have children for a long time now, but I don't know if I'm capable of having them on my own.

And I can't raise them in these conditions so why not give them a chance of survival? Why not give them to a family who will love them and keep them safe?

'Neveah?' I look up and meet Celine's eyes, 'Are you okay?'

I nod and take a deep breath, or at least try to. But a rush of pain fills me instead, making Celine come closer. 'What happened?'

She probably knows I was talking to Rio, since I'm right in front of his office, staring at the floor like some idiot.

'Nothing, I'm fine.' I lie, knowing she can see me shaking and on the verge of tears once again.

She softly wraps her arms around mine and she lets me lean on her a little. 'Want to go and eat breakfast together?'

A little unsure, I take a step back and shrug, 'I'm not really hungry.'

'Neveah you barely ate anything last night, you need to eat something especially now that you're pregnant.' She says, hinting at the small bump underneath my shirt.

She's right. I might not keep them, but that does not mean that I'll kill them by not eating enough.

So I nod and follow her towards the kitchen as she excitedly tells me about this new pancake recipe she has been wanting to try for a while now.

I wish I could listen to her talk without wanting to cry at the same time because I miss her. I miss how it used to be.

And I know that everyone has been trying to go back to the way it used to be, but it just doesn't work.

'Goodmorning.' We both turn to Brandon, who stumbles into the room and bumps into one of the counters. 'Why are you up so early?' Celine asks as he yawns.

I watch them both, wondering how they have been these couple of days.

I've seen them in the house, even in my room to check up on me, but we haven't really talked.

'I need to work on a dress because my client needs it tonight.' So he's fully working again?

I figured everyone took the time off to mourn and process everything that happened.

But then again, a few weeks have passed by now.

It's just not enough.

'Goodmorning Veah.' He says as he looks at me for a second. 'Morning.' 'How did you sleep?'

I can feel Celine's eyes on me as well, she's probably curious about that too.

'Fine.' I lie, not wanting them to freak out again. I'll take a nap later so I should be fine.

It's not like I have been doing anything exhausting lately.

'So no more nightmare?' I shake my head and wait for Celine to continue making those pancakes so that we can stop talking about my nightmares.

'That's great.' She says as she grabs all the things she needs for her recipe. 'Also, Laura will be here around eleven.' Laura?

'The therapist Leya told you about.' He explains as he notices my frown, 'She did tell you about her right?'

'I don't think it's necessary for me to go to a therapist.' They both stop whatever they're doing and look at me, before looking at each other and turning back to me. 'Neveah, it might help.'

It might... That's what I thought the first time as well.

'Don't think about it too much and just try it out.' Celine says, giving Brandon a gentle shove, 'If you don't like it, you can always stop the session.'

I nod and slowly make my way to the table in the corner of the kitchen. 'I'll make you breakfast.'

I watch as Brandon and Celine talk but don't hear their voices as they make breakfast together.

Something in their eyes is different as well. Like something's missing.

So as much as they're trying to act like everything is fine, I can see it's not. I feel it's not.

After forcing a pancake into my system, I make my way back to the bedroom, noticing that Leya cleaned my entire room.

Because the bed is clean, the clothes aren't scattered on the floor anymore, the curtains are finally opened, and there are no empty water bottles lying on the ground.

Everything is clean. And bright, almost blinding me.

'I figured it could use a cleans.' A voice chimes from the bathroom. She appears like a magical being with some cleaning products in her hands.

'Why did you-' The room smells like vanilla, 'You didn't have to do all of this Ley.'

She shakes her head and walks over to me, giving me a warm hug. 'I didn't mind.'

I'm a little ashamed that she cleaned the mess that I caused, but I know she did what's best for me.

'We should go and get ready for the therapist, she'll be here any minute now.' I barely have time to process her words as she pulls me out of the room again.

I wanted to sleep, to try and get as much rest as I can, but they planned this session with Laura...

We enter the one office in this house that, to my knowledge, has never been used before.

It's a small office, bigger than the smallest bathroom in this house, but smaller than Rio's office.

There are two couches across from each other, a fireplace, a desk on the other side of the room, and a lot of bookshelves on the walls.

Making it seem more like a small lounge room than an office.

The room is dark and cozy, making me wonder why I've never seen it before.

Because it looks like a place I would like to chill at.

'Where do you want me to sit?' Leya asks as she places me on the couch with my back facing the door.

I sigh deeply and turn around, looking up at her. 'Do we really have to do this?'

'We have to try.' She mumbles as she walks around the couch and takes a seat next to me.

I grab her hand and nod, staring at the fireplace as we wait in silence.

I really don't want to do this, because I just know it won't do shit to help me, but they really want me to try.

So I'll try.

A few minutes pass and nothing happens. My heart is racing for some reason and it hurts, but I don't make a sound.

I don't beg for her to let me stay in my room, I don't walk out to avoid it all.

I stay seated and keep my mouth shut.

I can hear the door open and close behind me, shoes tapping on the floor, before seeing a woman walk into my vision.

'Hello, nice to meet you.' A bright woman chimes, holding out her hand in front of me while she places her briefcase on the couch with the other hand.

I shake it and take her all in.

Blond hair, blue eyes, and a bright smile.

She looks like she just got her degree two days ago, light and happy.

As if I'm her first-ever client.

But she seems kind. Too kind to work with stuff this dark.

'I'm Laura Lindström, what's your name?' I quickly glance at Leya, who doesn't say a word as she looks at Laura.

'I'm Neveah.' I mumble as I look back at the woman across from me.

'I hope I didn't keep you waiting for too long, Neveah?' I can feel Leya's eyes on me, but force myself to keep my eyes on the blue ones across from me. 'Not long enough.' I whisper, hoping that she wouldn't hear.

But the room is silent, the entire house is silent, so of course she hears.

'You wanted me to stay away longer?' She asks, her smile still plastered on that perfect face of hers.

I think about my next answer, wondering what I should do.

I could be brutally honest and tell her that I don't want to be here. Or I could be polite and tell her I'm joking.

But both seem wrong.

I don't want to be rude, but I don't want to lie either.

'You can be honest.' She presses, making me wonder if I should or shouldn't tell the truth.

'I don't want to be here.' I say, knowing that my voice is barely loud enough for her to understand. 'And why is that?'

It's like she's asking me if I'm okay, while I'm on the verge of crying.

'Because I don't want to do this.' I can feel Leya's hand tighten around mine, but she doesn't move apart from that. 'You don't want to do what?'

'I don't want to talk.' I say, hating the fact that I sound like I'm ready to cry again. Because I am ready to cry again.

'I mean, what's the point?' She reaches for something in her briefcase, catching my attention, but stops when she notices me watching her every move. 'You can write it all down if you want to, but you won't need to because this will probably be our last and only session.'

I knew I said I would try, but I can't.

I don't like talking, especially about all of this. It's no use.

'You think so?' I don't like her tone. It's belittling, but in such a way that it shouldn't be.

Because she seems genuinely curious, but in a way that makes me feel like her test subject.

Another trophy prize to her collection as soon as she fixed my mind.

'I know.' I answer, feeling Leya's hand squeeze the shit out of mine. 'And how do you know?'

'Because talking about shit that happened in the past doesn't make anything better. It doesn't change the fact that it happened.' It won't change anything. It won't bring anyone back.

'They just flew you over here in hopes that I would become less emotional, but talking doesn't help. It only makes it worse.' I know Leya wants me to stop talking, but they made me do this.

'That's what you'll do right? You will either talk about my past or shit talk the way I was raised.' That's what the other guy did. 'Neveah-'

'My parents have nothing to do with the recent events in my life and talking about it with you won't change anything either. It won't make the pain go away, it won't reverse time, it won't change anything.' I wait for Laura to reply, but she simply looks at me and nods.

I'm tired and I just want to sleep for the rest of my life.

I never want to wake up again.

'So yes, I know that this won't do shit because talking doesn't fix anything.' I let go of Leya's hand and get up, before walking to the door, 'You can go back home and help people who actually want to be helped.'

Neither Laura nor Leya say anything to me as I walk out of the room and almost run up the stairs.

I somehow end up in Tiago's room again, standing in the middle of it as the air around me seems to disappear.

I stare at everything as if that will bring him back and I've never wanted to give up as much as I do right now.

My body goes limb as I fall to my knees. Tears start to flow down my cheeks, burning through me like acid once again.

I feel empty. I can already feel all the life and happiness I had left, getting drained out of me, because he's gone.

Tiago is dead.

It's something that has been our reality for a few days, but it hits me like a truck every time I breathe.

I feel like someone slashed my chest open and ripped out my heart and soul. As if needles are being pushed into every inch of my skin.

And then it all stops.

It just stops, no lingering pain, no more breathlessness. Just nothing.

Absolute numbness.

There's one thing I hate more than the unbearable pain. It's the numbness.

The moments where I feel absolutely nothing. The moments where there's only silence and nothing more.

The moments when everything seems worthless. The moments when my thoughts overtake everything. The moments when I miss the pain. The moments when breathing feels like a waste of time.

I hate it.

The man I was supposed to marry, the man I was going to have children with and build a home together. It's gone. All of it is gone.

I move over to the window, staring outside into absolutely nothing, waiting for the pain to kick in again.

The second floor... I'm on the second floor... What would it be like if- I cut off my thoughts and step away from the window, almost falling by the fear rushing through me.

I shouldn't be thinking about that. I shouldn't let my mind spiral that much.

But what if- No.

It would hurt and make me feel something, but it wouldn't kill me. It might kill the babies and I- No.

I'm staying for Leya. I'm staying for my children. I'm staying.

But I can't lie, not even to myself.

I've never wanted to end someone as much as myself.

And if that doesn't change, I'll hurt myself.

If I hurt myself, I'll hurt my children. The children I've wanted for a long time.

The children we've wanted.

Tiago... Please, dear God, give me strength...

Because I can't- I just... Please...

I wrap my arms around my stomach as I lay on the ground, begging for the pain to come back so that I can focus on anything else but the thoughts running in my head.

The ones that are telling me to do it.

The ones that are telling me to end it all.

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A/N: I shed some tears writing this chapter and thinking about how the next one will turn out, but bear with me pls...

Also, the next chapter will have a time skip of a few... months... So just a heads up.

I hope you guys liked this chapter and I hope to see you guys in the next chapter!

I love you and hope that you have a lovely day/night <3