"We accept the love we think we deserve" - Stephen Chbosky

~Recap~

"What the fuck? No. I am Lucy Hale, I reply.

"But, but you can't be her. I mean, you're only 15! And she's like, the biggest entrepreneur ever!" He exclaims.

"Erm... yup I guess that's me. Heh." I reply, nervous about all this attention.

They look at me in astonishment.

Seconds go by in absolute silence.

Finally, Gio begins talking. "Oh my goodness bambina! We're so proud of you!" He smiles in happiness. He walks down in front of Rocco and gives me a small hug.

I'm frozen by the gesture.

It's been years since they've hugged me. Years.

I've... I've missed it.

By the time I've acknowledged the hug, he's stood up and moved back to Alessandro's side.

Rocco gently turns me around, letting me face him. "He's right you know. We are so so proud."

What the hell is going on right now?

"Thanks." I whisper breathlessly.

"I don't think you can even believe how proud we are of what you have become. However, that is not to say your actions earlier do not have consequences. You were not back before curfew, you didn't answer our calls and you were very rude on the phone. Your grounded for the next three days." He says sternly.

"What? You can't do that! I've got work!" I reply, shocked.

Surely now he should understand!

"I know. That's why I didn't confiscate your laptop and phone along with it. Now off to bed. It's far too early." He replies.

I sigh as Rocco lifts me off of his lap and standing onto the floor.

I had kind of forgotten I had been there to be honest.

"Fine," I grumble out.

As I walk past Alessandro, he stops me with a hand on my shoulder. I turn to face him, curious as to the interruption.

"I'm so proud of you, bambina." He whispers.

I give him a small smile before turning around and heading up the stairs.

What on earth just happened?

~Now~ (Lila's POV)

After that... interesting conversation, I jumped into bed and tried to get some sleep.

I managed to get a couple of hours before the suns rays shone into my eyes, pulling me from my slumber.

I groan, dragging my hand down my face before pulling myself out of bed and down the stairs.

Must. Get. Coffeeeeee.

I haul myself down to the kitchen and climb onto the counter, standing up on it to grab a mug out of the ridiculously highly placed cabinets.

Who the hell puts mugs up this high?

"What are you doing?" Alessandro exclaims, shocking me from behind.

"What the fuck does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to get a fucking mug from this fucking cabinet that is so fucking high up for fucks sake AAAARGHHH!" I yell, kicking the kettle off the counter table.

"Hey hey hey that's enough. Get down from there before you hurt yourself and pick up the toaster. I'll get you the mug." He sighs.

I jump down to the ground, knees bending to offer me a safe landing.

I swear to god if this dick doesn't give me my mug quickly I will bloody drop kick him where the sun doesn't shine.

Rage is pulsating through by body, spreading its way through every crevice, making sure all of me is angry.

He finally hands me a mug, the black and white dotted paint on it slightly chipped.

"Thanks." I say stiffly.

The only response I get is the corner of his lips turning up slightly.

"What're you doing up this early anyways? I figured you'd all sleep in after the late night." He inquires, taking a seat at the dining room table.

"Couldn't sleep and thought I might do some work or something." I reply, sipping my steaming mug of black coffee.

"You're having it black?" He questions as he sees me make no move to add sugar or milk.

"Yeah this is how I like it." I reply.

Black like my dark dark soul.

I grin wickedly.

"Yeah me too. Tastes nicer right?" He says, a weak attempt to make a conversation.

"What're you doing?" I reply, sitting down opposite him, the cold leather chair bringing goosebumps to my legs.

"What do you mean?" He asks, confused.

"I mean what're you doing? Coming back from god knows where after doing god knows what leaving me- leaving us and not even keeping in touch! You didn't tell us anything! You just packed up and left! And now you've just waltzed back in and tried to pretend that... that everything is okay? You at least owe us an explanation? I mean- you can't just- you can't... YOU LEFT US!" I say, tears coming to my eyes.

I look down, hair covering my face.

I can't let them see me cry.

All of a sudden, I hear a voice behind me. "She's right, Ales. We owe her an explanation. We can't just waltz in and pretend everything is okay. We need to tell her. She's old enough. Our little girl had grown." He replies, walking towards me and lovingly stroking my hair out of my face.

"O-Okay." Alessandro replies, voice shaky. "Let's go to the living room though, yeah? And call the rest of the boys down will you Gio?" He asks.

"Yeah of course. Let's go." He replies, tenderly kissing the top of my head.

He speeds off out the kitchen doorway, his shoes gently clicking on the stairs as he ascends them.

I sigh. What the hell?

"Come in, let's go too." Alessandro says.

He rises from his chair and I follow, heading towards the living room.

After all my brothers are seated, eyes bleary and hear mused from sleep, Sandro starts speaking, getting everyone's undivided attention.

"We realised... we realised we owe you an explanation. On why we left. And we realised... we realised we need to tell the full story." He says. Then, looking straight at my brothers, says "and Lila needs to learn the truth."

The truth?

The truth about what?

What else have these motherfuckers been hiding?

"No no no you can't tell her yet. She's too young. She's only 15!" Rocco exclaims.

Gio sighs in response. "It's time, fratello."

"Okay... um... well, we don't just own Casinos and hotels and bars and stuff." Alessandro begins. "You see... I lead..."

"We are the Italian Mafia. Sandro is the leader, actually." Gio interrupts, sick on Alessandro's muttering.

What?

Is that all they wanted to tell me?

I fucking knew that already!

"Is that actually it?" I reply.

The confusion on my face must be evident.

They just stare back, astonished. Alessandro clears his throat. "Yeah. Yeah that's it. Are you not confused, scared? Don't you have questions?"

I just stare at him, even more confused. "I already- I already knew all of this." I say slowly, as if speaking to a toddler.

For the Italian Mafia they sure are slow at all of this.

"What? How can you know already? When did you find out? Who told you?" Lorenzo asks.

"Me and Lena were walking around, probably 11 years ago? When we were about 4." At the mention of my twin, they all stiffen slightly, preparing for my next words. "We were just playing in the house, and we heard you guys talking, saying stuff like 'dobbiamo eliminare la minaccia prima che si diffonda e provochi più pericoli. non dovrebbe essere difficile considerando che dopo tutto siamo la dannata mafia italiana.' And then we kind of figured the rest out after that. You really didn't know we- I knew?" I ask.

(Translation: we need to eliminate the threat before it spreads and causes more danger. it shouldn't be hard considering we are the goddamn italian mafia after all.)

Gio sighs. "No. Smart girls though. Well done, sweetheart." He smiles lovingly.

"Wait wait wait." Rocco announces. "You know fucking ITALIAN!" He shouts, confused.

"Erm... yeah. It was like my third language. How do you guys not know any of this? Mom taught me French as my first, slightly ahead of English which was my second, and Italian as my third." I reply.

"What? You speak Italian?" Alessandro asks, face slightly pale.

"Yeah. I just fucking said that." I reply, getting slightly annoyed. "How do you guys not fucking know about this?"

"Hey let's keep things calm yeah?" Gio replies.

I sigh in annoyance. "Fine, whatever. Well then, why'd you leave? I thought you were explaining that? Not just highlighting the lack of knowledge you have about me?" I reply pointedly.

I get a couple of sad faces from around the room, annoying me more.

I really need to go to the gym to pound out my anger. They're really making me fucking angry.

Alessandro clears his throat. "Erm... right yeah. So five years ago-"

He gets interrupted by Giovanni. "Hey. Maybe I should take over this one." He says, putting one arm on Sandro's shoulder.

Sandro gives him a pointed look, but allows him to continue.

"Right. So in the Mafia, there are many enemies. Especially when you're so high up in the ranks where we are, there are many people out to get you. And there many people out to get the people that you love." He begins.

The fuck-

Do they not know I'm involved in the underground?

I mean I'm gonna take over the bloody French Mafia in a few years.

I'm one of the best assassins in the world and so much more.

How do they not know any of this? The Italian Mafia is the second most powerful!

Only bested by the French Mafia,

"Right so as I was saying, a couple of years ago, right before we left..." He blows out a breath of fresh air in preparation for the bomb about to come. "Before we left there was a threat. Placed on you. A gang was trying to harm you in order to get to me and Sandro. We needed to leave in order to get them away from you and your brothers and go... get rid of the problem."

The air in my body leaves my lungs.

"But, but why couldn't you even keep in touch? I mean, why, why couldn't you tell us?" I ask.

The rest of my brothers instantly put their eyes downcast.

"Wait. You all knew?" I ask incredulously. "Why- why didn't you say anything? Why- why...?"

I'm almost hyperventilating at this point.

I'm so fucking confused.

Gio must have noticed my panic and immediately walked towards me and crouched in front of where I'm sat on the sofa. "Hey hey hey. You okay?" He asks, stroking my hair slowly, starting to speak again after seeing the gentle, almost interceptable nod of my head. "I mean, you were just a little kid when we had to leave. We promised to tell you when you were 16, just like the other boys. It wasn't their fault. We just wanted to give you as normal of a childhood as we could. And I'm so so sorry. We didn't keep in touch because we were worried they would track the call and be able to find you guys. And we couldn't have told you the full story because you were too young. We didn't know you knew already. We didn't want to make you sad." He says, wiping the pad of his thumb gently on my cheek. "The only reason your brothers knew was because they were older. We're so so sorry we should have done something else. We should've found another way. I'm so so sorry topolino. I'm so so sorry." He replies, eyes shining with unshed tears.

He pulls me into a hug, my head resting on his chest.

My eyes burn. Why are my eyes burning?

What's going on?

His arms and chest warm me, from the chilling thoughts in my mind.

I... I like hugs.

I've had far too few these past few years.

A few tears drip down my face, but they're caught by his shirt, and I'm suddenly grateful they go unnoticed.

"Why- why'd you tell me now then? I'm not 16 yet. I've literally just turned 15." I reply, voice croaky with unshed emotion.

"Because you deserve to know." Alessandro says, rising up from his chair.

I'm acutely aware of my other brothers slowly leaving the room, acknowledgement that there's nothing more they need to be involved in. But mostly, they're just background blurs, my mind only focusing on my two eldest brothers at this given time.

"You deserved to know so much longer ago." Sandro continues, crouching down next to Gio. "And now we're back, you deserve to know even more. It's our fault and I'm so so sorry. You didn't deserve any of this. You didn't deserve anything that happened to you."

My breath is stuck in my throat. My eyes are burning like never before.

I can't do this.

The walls are caving in again. My breath coming out too short.

My eyes widen in knowledge.

Panic attack.

I need to get out. Get out. Getoutgetoutgetout.

I leap up from my seat, ears buzzing and head pounding.

I push past them, ignoring their attempts to get me back.

I run up the stairs, crashing desperately into my room.

I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe.

My hands are shaking, my body collapses, not being able to withstand the lack of oxygen.

I try to pull out my phone, doing so after a few attempts.

I push my legs out, using that to shift my body until I'm leaning against the wall in a seated foetal position.

My hands continue to shake as I go through my short favourites list, fingers holding down on one contact. Grey.

I put the phone on speaker and place it on the floor next to me, not trusting myself to keep holding onto the phone without dropping it.

The line rings. Once. Twice. Three-

"Hello? Lila? You there? You okay? What's going on?" He asks rapidly.

I can't even get any words out.

My breaths are getting harsher and harsher, quicker and quicker.

No air is getting into my lungs and black dots are starting to appear and everything is going fuzzy and I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe-

"Hey hey hey. I need you to listen to me. Yeah? Follow my breathing. Come on. I believe in you. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Come on. You're doing great."

After 10 long, gruelling minutes, my breathing slowly returns back to normal, but my nerves and tremors still remain.

"You better now?" He asks gently.

"Yeah." I manage to croak out, voice hoarse from the attack.

"Okay. I'm glad." He says, a quick breathe of relief being pushed out.

"Hey. You wanna talk about it?" He asks.

"No. I think- I think I'm just gonna do some work or something. I just need to do something, anything." I reply.

"No. Absolutely not. Come on Lila! You just had a fucking panic attack! If you don't want to talk about it that's completely okay, but at least have some rest. I know you've probably not slept properly for the last couple of days and that panic attack would've taken a lot out of you, probably all you have left. So at least, please, for me, try to get some sleep. Or at least just rest your eyes." He pleads.

I think this over, and then notice how the world looks blurry and my mind is slow, fatigue quickly building up inside my body. "Okay." I say at last.

He sighs in relief. "Stay safe, yeah? And have a good sleep. I love you, bestie." He says gently.

"Love you too." I mumble, embarrassed at the rare form of affection I show only my closest (and only) friend.

I click the end call button, standing up slowly when the world seems to spin far too fast.

I shuffle towards the bed and collapse onto it, not even bothering to pull up the comforter.

My eyes close on instinct, as if sensing the warm, soft mattress.

And then there's nothing.

Just darkness.

Mind blank.

And I drift off to sleep...

...if only I knew the peace wouldn't last.

It never does.

And that is a wrap on chapter 12!

What did you think?

Merry Christmas by the way! It's currently 11:58pm on Christmas Day and I didn't think I would get this chapter out for Christmas but it must've been a Christmas miracle! I think Santa would be proud.

Enough to earn myself on the nice list for next year?

Hope you enjoyed.

Also if you didn't know I have a tiktok account (lovereadings8) where I mainly post videos about other books but I do have a couple on Lila's personality and stuff so feel free to check it out! Am also hoping to post some sneak peaks on there!

Hope you have/had a really really good Christmas and have a happy new year!

2023 woohooo!