"I will never fit in. That's one of my best qualities" -Unknown

~Recap~

"No. Absolutely not. Come on Lila! You just had a fucking panic attack! If you don't want to talk about it that's completely okay, but at least have some rest. I know you've probably not slept properly for the last couple of days and that panic attack would've taken a lot out of you, probably all you have left. So at least, please, for me, try to get some sleep. Or at least just rest your eyes." He pleads.

I think this over, and then notice how the world looks blurry and my mind is slow, fatigue quickly building up inside my body. "Okay." I say at last.

He sighs in relief. "Stay safe, yeah? And have a good sleep. I love you, bestie." He says gently.

"Love you too." I mumble, embarrassed at the rare form of affection I show only my closest (and only) friend.

I click the end call button, standing up slowly when the world seems to spin far too fast.

I shuffle towards the bed and collapse onto it, not even bothering to pull up the comforter.

My eyes close on instinct, as if sensing the warm, soft mattress.

And then there's nothing.

Just darkness.

Mind blank.

And I drift off to sleep...

...if only I knew the peace wouldn't last.

It never does.

~Now~ (Lila's POV)

"Lila"

"Lila sweetheart"

"Open your eyes"

"Lila come on wake up miele" (Translation: honey)

What the fuck is going on?

Oh my goodness I'm so tired it feels like I got hit by a truck.

My face is pressed firmly into the pillow, my stomach facing into the soft, pillowy mattress.

"Come on, sweetheart. You've gotta eat breakfast." A soothing voice says into my ear, gently stroking my hair.

I groan. "Shut up." I mumble. "I'm sleeping."

I'm gonna slap him if he doesn't let me sleep.

The only response I get is him chuckling, continuing to stroke my hair.

The soothing motion relieves the tension from my muscles, allowing me to once again drift off.

"Come on Gio! Sandy didn't send you up to get her back asleep again!" A loud voice booms from my door.

"Shut up and let me sleep!" I shout, pulling the pillow out from under my face and pulling it over my head, blocking out the sound.

Before I can get back to bed again, the blankets are ripped off of me, breaking my peaceful cocoon.

"Hey!" I yelp, but all protests are ignored.

Someone grabs my legs, pulling me off my bed despite my protests.

My eyes wince open despite the burning light filling them, allowing me to get a glance of my captor.

"Let me go!" I shout as I dangle upside down in his arms, only secured from falling to the floor by his hands wrapped around my bony ankles.

"No can do, piccolo." Rocco replies, amusement gracing his face. (Translation: little one)

He lifts me higher up, again ignoring my yelps of surprise and slight fear.

"Hey gentle Rocco. If Sandro saw you hurt even one hair on her head he would kill you. We all would." Gio says, a hint of threat in his voice.

The only response Rocco gives is tossing me over his shoulder. I pound his back, threatening him to put me down as he walks swiftly out of my room.

What is it with these people and capturing me in their arms?

He walks down the stairs, the golden morning light entering through the large windows and hitting the staircase, encasing the entranceway in a warm glow.

Eventually, he enters the kitchen and sets me down onto a chair on the dining room table, earning him a huff of annoyance from me.

I glance evilly at him, planning how to plot my revenge.

Hair dye in his shampoo? Fake spray paint on his motorbike? Bucket of water above his door? Ooh what about water guns-

"Lila. Yoooohoooo. Lila?" Angelo says, waving his hand in front of my face.

I grab his hand in a vice-like grip, stopping it from moving. "Wave your hand like that in front of my face again and I swear to god I will cut it off before you can even blink." I say, voice deathly sharp.

"Hey! No threatening your brother! Apologise now." Gio scolds, a small proud smirk appearing briefly on his face.

With a deadpan face, my voice holding no remorse, I say "I'm so sorry that I taught you about personal space in the means of a tight wrist grip and a threat that I very well mean."

Laughs fill the room from the dining table, my statement even earning a small chuckle from Alessandro himself.

Soon, everyone's filling up their plates with the various breakfast foods available: waffles, chocolate chip pancakes, mixed fruits, french toast, eggs, bacon and hash browns.

I grab a waffle and add on some mixed fruit, making sure to only take the strawberries, blueberries, raspberries and bananas.

There is no way I'm putting apples and oranges on my waffle. That would be disgusting ew.

I pour a little maple syrup onto it before digging in, starving after the long day I had yesterday.

The panic attack really must have taken out everything in me.

I hear a cough next to me after I had taken the first bite, resisting the urge to moan at the taste. I look over to Alessandro as he coughs again, clearly trying to get my attention.

"What?" I ask, annoyed.

"A little more please, Lila. It's not healthy to eat so little." He whispers quietly, saving me the embarrassment of everyone staring at me.

"This is plenty." I whisper back harshly.

"Come on just a tiny bit more. Please, sweetheart." Gio whispers from the other side of me.

Apparently Alessandro wasn't quiet enough.

For fucks sake.

"Fine. Just a little bit more." I whisper back, anger in my voice as I grab three pieces of bacon. "Happy now." I say, attitude heavily lining my voice.

"Yes. Very much so." He whispers back smugly.

I almost growl back, annoyance seeping through my veins.

Oh shit.

It's happening again.

My IED is being triggered again. (IED is Intermittent Explosive Disorder)

I really need to bring this up with my therapist.

Fuck I can already tell this day is going to be bad.

~Time skip~

Punch.

Punch. Punch.

Whack.

The sounds of the punching bag ring in my ears as I whack it in every way possible.

My muscles stretch in exhaustion and stress, the bags under my eyes seeming to get heavier and darker by the second.

"Lila."

"What?" I shout, annoyed by the interruption.

Fuck I need a live target to release this anger. I should see if there's a underground fight nearby. Some poor suckers to take out my anger on.

They won't even stand a chance.

"Wanna learn to fight?" Matteo asks.

Huh. Learn to fight? Bitch-

Doesn't he know who I am.

The god damn leader of the French Mafia.

Or, almost leader.

I will be when I'm 18 at least.

"Erm... sure." I say, apprehensive of what this will entice. "I've done some before though."

Maybe I can get some target practice on him next.

"Cool. Jump in the right and let's see what you already know." He says, already warming up in the ring.

I jump in, slightly struggling from the large height difference.

Climbing into the ring, I start to re-stretch my limbs, already feeling the soreness spread through them.

"Alright, little girl. Show me what you've got." He says cockily.

His face is looking even more punchable by the minute.

I slowly circle him, like a predator circling it's pray.

"Come on. Hit me. I wanna see where your at." He says.

Before he can even speak again, I attack.

Punch after punch after punch.

I know he saw the first punch coming, he does work for the fucking Italian Mafia after all.

But the second and third and fourth?

He didn't stand a chance.

I stop attacking long enough for him to gather his ground again.

"Woah! I thought you said you'd only done a bit of fighting! You're a fucking professional!" He replies, shock covering his face.

"I've done quite a bit here and there." I reply.

"Okay then. Let's see what you've got when I fight back."

We start circling each other, scanning for weaknesses.

Before I can attack again, he attempts a few punches at me. Punches which I easily dodge.

Sloppy, weak ones.

He's holding back.

A feeling of determination washes over me.

I want, no need, to prove myself.

To him?

Why?

I don't care about what he or any of them think!

I don't!

Then why is this feeling so overwhelming? The urge is only growing stronger.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a couple more of my brothers walk into the gym, probably intrigued by the sight of their 6"2 brother and their 5" little sister fighting.

A few more punches are thrown at me, one of which I catch and twist, nudging his arm away and giving me a point of attack.

I land a punch or two before he throws me off, gentle enough for me to not get hurt.

He punches a few more times, me dodging most of them.

As he realises my skill, he begins to fight more defensively and slowly stops going easy on me.

Now for the real fun.

As I attack again, he blocks most of them, leaving me open to sweep his leg, hearing the successful slump of his body hitting the floor.

He wheezes out a breath, being winded from my attacks.

"You okay?" I ask quietly.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm good shortcake." He wheezes out.

"Well now that you called me shortcake I'm gonna go all out on you." I reply, a hint of annoyance and humour in my voice, my face showing a small, rare smirk.

I help him up, giving him my hand to help him,

Before I can even blink, he sweeps his leg out, my leg getting knocked from out of me.

Before I can fall onto the hard ground, he rolls over underneath where I'm about to land, allowing my fall to be softened onto him instead, my body being cushioned and protected by him.

"Oooof." I say, surprised by the move. "Hey no fair." I whine.

Before he can react, I jump back up. "Come on, old man." I laugh.

"Hey! Who you calling old?" He replies, a smile adorning his face.

As soon as he's up again, I attack.

This time, the attacks are for the win.

I punch and punch again, before swinging my leg around for a roundhouse.

He managed to block the first two punches, but gets too distracted by them to notice the kick, which pushes him back and leaves him temporarily weak.

During his weakened and surprised state, I punch him again and again, before using one of his arms to launch myself into the air and get my legs around the bag of his head, circling them and dropping him to the ground, being strangled by me.

"Tap out, old man." I smirk.

He taps my arm twice, allowing me to remove my hands and stand up, stretching out again.

I feel the anger slowly leave my body. The tension leaves my muscles. A small laugh even leaves my throat.

"Good match. Better luck next time, I guess." I say lightheartedly.

"Har har har, Lila. I was going easy on you anyways, little girl." He replies, smiling widely with an amused look on his face, clearly out of breath.

"Yeah right. I think I was the one going easy on YOU old man." I reply, snorting slightly, a small grin adorning my face.

The stress has been drawn out of my body, my shoulders are relaxed, an unusual feeling considering I'm usually so stiff and on guard.

I don't even know how to feel.

But, as I know from the past, all good things come to a crashing end.

Before I know it, my body and thoughts are back to the way they were before. My guard is replaced, my facade falling back onto my face. My shoulders stiffen and turn in anticipation of any attacks, my mind one again returning to the dark hole of its own thoughts.

I'm back.

But, for some reason, I feel... different?

It was as if my mind registered that one happy moment I just had with Mattie and is now craving more.

It's like a desire for happiness has started to spread over my body like a virus.

But I don't deserve it.

I don't deserve any of it.

I shouldn't be alive.

Not after what I did.

I don't deserve to live.

It shouldn't have been her. It shouldn't have been.

It's all my fault and there's nothing I can do.

The helplessness and loneliness washes over me, my once smiling face transformed into a dark and gloomy one the next second.

My mind whirls to life, the dark thoughts spreading and spreading and I can't stop them I can't stop them I can't stop them and I don't know what to do.

'Help me.' I want to scream.

'Save me.' I want to shout.

But nothing comes out.

Because I don't deserve help. I don't deserve anyone's love or anyone's care.

I deserve to rot in the deepest darknesses of hell.

...but as it turns out, I'm so so afraid of the dark.

Hello!

Happy New Year!

Sorry for the long wait!

Also do people actually go through with their New Years resolutions? Cause mine was to start running and idk if I'm gonna actually be able to do it😭. I absolutely despise running but thought it would be a good way to stay fit and stuff :(

Idk tho every other year I've tried resolutions I feel like I'm setting myself up to fail.

Oh well we'll have to wait and see.

On another note I'm currently doing Duolingo for Italian and am on a 319 day streak which I'm quite proud of! I started cause I made a plan with my friend that we would go to Italy after we turn 18 and thought it would be good to learn some of the language (and it has managed to be incredibly helpful with a lot of the Wattpad books I read when they have Italian phrases or sentences!)

I know Duolingo isn't entirely great for learning a language properly so if anyone has any suggestions of where I can learn it let me know!😆

Anyways that's it from me!

See you soon!