"Hell is empty and all the devils are here" -Shakespeare

~Recap~

But, for some reason, I feel... different?

It was as if my mind registered that one happy moment I just had with Mattie and is now craving more.

It's like a desire for happiness has started to spread over my body like a virus.

But I don't deserve it.

I don't deserve any of it.

I shouldn't be alive.

Not after what I did.

I don't deserve to live.

It shouldn't have been her. It shouldn't have been.

It's all my fault and there's nothing I can do.

The helplessness and loneliness washes over me, my once smiling face transformed into a dark and gloomy one the next second.

My mind whirls to life, the dark thoughts spreading and spreading and I can't stop them I can't stop them I can't stop them and I don't know what to do.

'Help me.' I want to scream.

'Save me.' I want to shout.

But nothing comes out.

Because I don't deserve help. I don't deserve anyone's love or anyone's care.

I deserve to rot in the deepest darknesses of hell.

...but as it turns out, I'm so so afraid of the dark.

~Now~

(Lila's POV)

I've been working from home for the past few days, doing video conferences from my bedroom and designing new clothes in the library, going for long runs around the manor gardens and... trying to stay civil with my brothers.

It's just, the past few weeks they've been acting... differently? That's putting it lightly.

Before, they were all so cold-hearted and ruthless, cut-throat and cruel.

But now? As soon as Sandy and Gio got back, they've just been putting on this... this facade.

They've been being... nice to me?

And I'm so fucking confused.

And I'm so so fucking tired.

And if I was more trusting, if I was more kind, I would let what they did go and I would trust them again in a heartbeat.

But that's just not me.

I'm not trusting.

I'm not kind.

I'm just as cruel, just as cold hearted, just as cut-throat and just as ruthless as them.

And nothing they ever do or say could change that.

I'm so fucking confused.

I don't know what to do anymore.

It's like I can't even control my own life anymore, like I'm just a hollow ghost living outside my body.

And I don't know what to do.

I jump out of bed, stretching my legs and hopping into the shower.

The hot water leaves my skin burning red, the smoke wafting around the bathroom.

After my skin is blistering, I step out and wrap myself in a fluffy towel, ignoring the sting of my raw skin.

As I'm dressing, I decide my aims for today.

I've done most of my work for the day so I've decided I need to take control back of my life.

I need to find out what is going on. Why they're all acting differently. Weirdly. And I need to find out now before I fully lost it.

I make my way downstairs for breakfast, stepping over the creaky floorboard and steps to make my appearance a silent one.

Hoping down the last step, I slowly walk to the kitchen, the walk already bringing flashbacks of how often I used to come here before.

The dread fills my stomach.

What do I say? I can't just bring something like that into conversation.

'Hey how're you all doing. Oh by the way why're u two-faces bitches that shunned my for the past four years and are now pretending none of it happened? Hmmmm?'

Oh fuck me that would be bad.

Yeah that would be bad Linda.

As I enter the kitchen for what seems the thousandth time this week, I brace myself for the difficult talk to come.

Surprisingly, this time I'm the last to enter.

I see the faces of all my brothers sat at the table, surrounding a table full of breakfast foods like normal.

As if any of this is normal.

I don't know how they do it. The masks they wear, the switching of them so easily it's almost second nature. One second they hate me, the next they feel... remorse?

I need answers. And I need. Them. Now.

"Hey, sweetheart. Come have some breakfast." Gio says.

For fucks sake is he ever anything but happy?

He's like a fucking teen on waaaaaay too many anti-depressant drugs.

I walk to the coffee machine and start pouring a tall mug of black coffee, hiding it from the view of my brothers.

"Sure." I reply to Gio stiffly, already ready for this day to be over. I walk over to the coffee machine and grab a mug from the side of the sink to fill, saving myself of the embarrassment of having to climb onto the counter and jump to grab one.

Hey that rhymed! Or did it? I have no clue at this point.

Shut up Linda!

Fuck you.

Well fuck you too!

Why am I having an argument with my own conscience? Am I going crazy?

Aha I forgot... I'm already crazy! Mwahahahahaha!

"Lila!" I hear Sandro shout, before he grabs the steaming mug from out of my hands, as well as the jug of hot coffee.

"Hey." I shout in protest, before I'm quickly picked up and put onto the counter without my consent.

"Hey what's going on! I just wanted a cup of coffee!" I shout, getting bloody fucking annoyed.

"Hey hey hey. Firstly, you know that you shouldn't be drinking coffee. I've already told you many times that you're too young. And secondly, you weren't even concentrating when pouring it! You could've gotten hurt!" He says sternly, a hint of emotion seeping into his voice at the end.

But I ignore it all, severely pissed off. "I did not one fucking thing wrong! And I'll have a mug of fucking coffee if I want! To hell with your wants and needs!" I shout.

What the hell!

"Hey! Don't use that language with me young lady! If you haven't forgotten I am still your older brother and guardian! And you will do well to remember that and follow what I say! I only say it to keep you safe! And you were spilling the coffee everywhere and you could've burnt your hands and legs! And you we're unresponsive to all our calls!" He replies, even more angry.

"Wait... what? I wasn't spilling it." I reply, calmer but confused.

"Yes you were, Lila." He replies, softer and more worried. "You were trying to be sneaky and grab a cup of coffee and as you were pouring it, we called your name. But it was as if you didn't hear us. You just kept pouring and pouring and pouring. Even when it was spewing out onto the floor. Even when we were shouting your name. The coffee was boiling hot and you could've gotten seriously hurt." He replies sadly.

"...oh." I reply.

I don't even know what to say.

My mind must've just been so focused.

I don't even know anyone.

What to say. What to do. My mind is alive and almost out of my control.

How did this happen?

"Lila!" Alessandro half-shouts.

"Huh?" I look up from my lap, eyes dazed.

"Hey baby are you okay?" He asks, gently placing a hand on my cheek.

"Um." I clear my throat. "Yeah. Yeah I'm fine. Just thinking to hard hehe." I reply, chuckling weakly at the end.

He's standing right in front of me, my head levelled with his chest despite the many inches the countertop gives me.

And right this moment, I want nothing more than to launch into it and shield myself from the world, just like old times.

I want to bury myself into it and just stay there, just for a few minutes, maybe forever.

The safety and allurement coming from him relaxes my shoulders against my will slightly, and the worst part is I don't even realise.

Next to Sandro stands Gio, gently wiping my hands and legs from coffee with a wet rag and checking for burn wounds.

"So, go on then. What's on your mind, sweet pea." Gio says, in the soft voice that earlier I found annoying but now I feel nothing but comfort.

My eyes drop to my lap again.

I guess now is as good a time as any.

I look up, and as if our eyes are magnets, my eyes lock onto the gaze of my third oldest brother.

I find the rest of my brothers are also surrounding me, further away than Gio and Sandro who are in arms reach, but close enough to check on me and see if I'm okay.

I stare at Lorenzo for a couple of seconds, before asking the question that's been plaguing my mind. "Why?"

"Huh? Why what, Lila?" Sandro questions.

"No not you." I shush him. "Lorenzo. And the rest of you." I say, scanning my eyes over them. "Why? Why did you do what you did these past four years and now act is if everything is... okay? Why?" I ask, tears welling up in my eyes.

I'm just met with silence and their downcast eyes, all of them refusing to meet my gaze.

"Hey what's going on?" Alessandro asks. "What are you talking about, Lila?"

"Why don't you ask them?" I say with a piercing gaze.

It's been long enough playing these games. I've sit and played for as long as I can. Now it's my turn to be in control, to choose the game we have to play.

And it seems I've just made my first move.

"Go on then. Someone start talking!" Alessandro says, sounding worried.

"Nothing. It's nothing. She's probably just tired or something. She doesn't know what she's saying." Lorenzo says all of a sudden, breaking free from whatever trance he was in.

"Hey what the actual fuck! I know and mean every single fucking word that comes out of my mouth!" I cry out. "What're you so afraid of, anyways! You've done all this shit the past four years, you should be prepared to face the consequences!" I shout.

"Hey, let's all calm down again, yeah? Someone please tell us what the fuck is going on!" He says calmly.

Again, no one makes any move to speak.

"I'll tell you what happened, shall I? Hmmm, where should i start." I say, drumming my finger on my chin. "How about how the day after you left me, they all started ignoring me. Or how about when they decided they all hated me? Or when they thought that they should remind me of the fact that I could've saved Elena." I shout, getting off my chair. "Or how about the constant reminders of how mum and dad would've been alive if it weren't for me, hmmm? Or shouts I start with the constant, never-ending wishes about me never being born? About how I tore our whole family apart? About how EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT? HUH? WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING START?!" I shout at the top of my lungs, tears threatening to overspill from my eyes.

My brothers' eyes are downcast, with only Alessandro and Giovanni looking up, shock adorning every muscle and bone in their body.

"Lila." Gio breaths out, but I don't hear anything else before I run.

This was a mistake. I thought I was ready to confront them but I can't.

I run out of the kitchen, ignoring the shouts of protests Gio shouts after me. I run up the stairs and run straight to my room, collapsing onto the floor and sitting leaning against the wall.

Even saying all that brung back too many bad memories.

My emotions are all over the place.

I can't believe I let down my guard that much! What is wrong with me!

The tears still threaten to come out of my eyes, but I can't let them out. I'm not weak. I'm Lila fucking Hale. I'm anything but weak.

But sometimes it is just so hard to stay strong...



(Alessandro's POV)

As I watch her run out of the kitchen, my heart breaks into a million pieces.

I failed her so much more than I could have ever imagined.

What have I done?

More importantly though, what have THEY done.

"What the fuck was that about?" I seethe to my younger brothers.

"I told you, she's just being dramatic. You know how she is. She's a teenage girl. She's going to be overdramatic, Sandro." Lorenzo explains.

"Do you think I'm a fucking fool? I know something's happened. And I know you guys did something incredible shitty." I exclaim. "So if you don't tell me what it is right now," I pause, swiftly grabbing my gun from my jacket pocket. "I will fucking shoot you and let you slowly bleed out, only to sow you up again and repeat the process." I say, an evil grin appearing on my face.

Of course I would never actually hurt them. They're family after all.

But that doesn't mean I can't scare them.

"Well, what's it going to be." I question.

I look around the table, trying to find a weak link.

And I finally spot one.

Angelo. Our youngest brother.

"Come on, Angelo. I know you want to." I say.

I watch as he struggles to fight the urge, but eventually, my piercing gaze allows him to drop the facade. "Okay okay we did something. We fucked up so so bad. We got mad at her and blamed... and blamed...." He begins to say.

"...and blamed her for all their deaths." Finished Matteo.

"YOU WHAT?!" Gio shouts from next to me. "YOU BLAMED YOUR BABY SISTER FOR THE DEATH OF HER OWN PARENTS AND HER TWIN SISTER?"

I've never seen Gio this angry.

Hell, I'm fucking livid.

"YOU FUCKING IDIOTS ARE IN FOR IT. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THAT TO HER? YOUR BABY SISTER!" I shout.

I take a few deep breaths, remembering the little body that ran up the stairs a few minutes ago.

I can't believe she's been living here for the past four years!

I can't believe I left her here.

With them.

Fuck.

Seeing Gio still fuming, smoke almost coming out of his ears, I reign back my own anger, concealing my face as much as possible, but my clenched jaw showing I'm anything but relaxed.

"I'll let you handle this one, brother." I tell Gio in a deathly voice.

"It would be my pleasure." He says, in a scarily sweet voice.

I stand from my chair, the blood in my body practically boiling with rage, and make my way up the stairs to see if she's alright.

I know I need to check.

It's all my fault.

And I don't know how to fix it.

Fuck.

What have I done?

And that is it for this chapter!

Sorry it's been so long, schools been completely hectic!

Also if you have any suggestions for more Lila related songs feel free to let me know and I'll add them to the soundtrack!

Anyways, hopefully another chapter should be out shortly.

See you then!