Okay before I jump in this chapter is dedicated to lunaeticdust ! I am so so sorry for missing your birthday but I hope you had an absolutely incredible day filled with tons of cake and fun!🥳🥳❤️



"Sometimes the person you'd take a bullet for is the one behind the gun" -Unknown

~Recap~

"But YOU, you did absolutely nothing wrong. There was nothing you could do. There never was. And I'm so sorry you were blamed. I'm so so sorry. If I could take all this pain from you, I would do it in a heartbeat. And I am so so sorry I left you when you needed me. I am so sorry you had to go through all of this alone. But it wasn't your fault. And I'll keep telling you that, every day, hell every second of every day if you need me to. I won't stop until you understand and believe it."

At this point I'm sobbing. Sobbing and wailing violently.

He brins my face to his chest, letting me cry into it. I clutch is shirt in my hands, not caring that I'm making it all wrinkled. He keeps one hand on the back of my head whilst the other rubs gentle circles onto my back whilst he gently shushes me and rocks me side to side. "It's okay. It's okay." He repeats.

I listen to his heartbeat as the tears begin to stop.

My eyes begin to droop once again, having everything taken out of me. Between the fight in the car, the panic attack and now this? There's not an ounce of energy left in me.

But before I can fall asleep, I manage to whisper out "I missed you"...

And with that, my mind goes blank as I fall into what I hope is a dreamless sleep.

~Now~ (Rocco's POV)

My heart beats fast in my chest, a weight like I've never felt before atop my chest, crushing my rib cage with such a force that I have trouble breathing.

I haven't witnessed my baby sister having a panic attack since her twin died seven years ago, and it always killed me to watch.

All of a sudden I can't breathe either. The air feels too thick and the room feels too warm.

Okay, okay think Rocco, think.

What's the first step? Five things you can see? Okay okay I can see Lila, a table, cutlery, a rug, and Sandro.

Okay four things that I can touch. Um... Breathe goddamit!

Okay okay. The table. The floor. The chair. The tablecloth.

I continue through the breathing trick until my breath is steadier.

"How often does she get... panic attacks?" I ask shakily.

Gio looks at me curiously, but I disregard his expression, staring only at Sandro.

His reply is quiet. "Her therapist says a couple a week, but she also said she thinks Lila is lying about how many she has." He says, gently stroking her cheek with the pad of his thumb.

"A couple a week? How- For how long?" Elijah questions.

"Years. Since... since Elena's death. But they got worse and worse throughout the years as her anxiety and depression worsened."

"She has anxiety and depression?" I croak out, tears gathering in my eyes and the eyes of all my siblings.

"What did you guys do to her? I can't believe you did this to her." Sandro says.

The room is dead silent, all of us holding in shaky sobs.

After a couple minutes silence, Alessandro picks up Lila's small body and shields it near his chest, her body instantly curling into him and listening to his heartbeat. "Let's go home." He says, turning and walking smoothly out the door.

One by one, all my brothers start to leave to the cars, until it's just me and Gio.

"Hey. I know you don't deserve this right now, but fuck you're still my younger brother. So, are you okay? You didn't look too good just a second ago, Rocco." He says gently.

I cough roughly, clearing my throat. "I'm good, I'm good." I say, my throat coarse and raw. I take a quick sip of water, before standing and heading over to the door.

Before I walk through, a hand grabs my shoulder and turns me.

"You know, if you ever want anything, I'm here for you too, yeah?" He says, looking me straight in the eyes.

"Yeah, yeah I know. But I'm fine." I say quietly.

"Okay. See you at home." He says.

I turn and walk away, barely hearing him mumble "Just like Lila" under his breathe.

Confusion washes over me, but I brush away his comment and continue my walk out of the restaurant.

~30 minutes later~

(Alessandro's POV)

After arriving home, I carefully put Lila into her bed and under the covers, tucking her securely into the bed and giving her a soft kiss on her forehead.

I make my way downstairs, my muscles aching from the tension in them from the past few days.

I finally arrive in the living room, taking an armchair opposite Giovanni. "What're we gonna do, Gio. What are we going to do."

He just sighs deeply in response, both of us getting lost in our thoughts.

~10 hours later~

(Lila's POV)

My eyes slowly blink open, a warm light flooding through my eyelids and burning them.

Sitting up gently, I look around and see that I'm back in my room. How on earth did I get here?

Gosh this bed is like a literal warm fluffy cloud! I throw myself back and wrap myself into the covers, enveloping myself in the warmth and shutting my eyes again.

But then I remember the diary that I had in the box in my wardrobe.

Curiosity got the better of me, and before long I've jumped out of the cloud and pulled open the dusty lid, grabbing out the notebook and flicking through it again.

~Diary entry~

19th January 1988.

Dear Diary,

What a start to a year! I met a guy! And ohhh how madly in love I am.

His name is Francesco Russo and he is everything I have ever dreamed of and more.

He is so so perfect in every way, shape and form.

His eyes, oh god his eyes. Whenever he looks at me, I melt into a puddle. His eyes hold so much adoration, so much love, and so much hope.

What on earth did I do to deserve such an incredible guy?

We've only known each other 8 months but we already know that we are soulmates. We were meant to be together. This was our destiny.

He is my future, my present, my everything. I love him with my whole heart and my whole world and I can't wait to marry him!

I hope to see you soon, Amelie

Okaaaaayyy. Gross. So she was really in love I guess. I flip through a couple pages before I see a picture stuck in.

31st January 1990

Dear diary,

I have some big news. You know how I was feeling really sick the past week? And I've been irritabile and hungry and a whole load of other emotions? Well... if you see the photo below, you are looking at my VERY FIRST BABY!!! He's four weeks old and I'm already so in love with him. My little baby boy. Me and Francesco have been thinking of names for him but haven't agreed on one yet.

I'm so excited to go into this new chapter with him and so excited to see my baby boy!

Love, Amelie

Damn. That was so sweet! Eeeeekkk!!!

And OMG is that a sonogram picture of him! Aaaaah that is so cuteeeee!

Okay I'm gonna keep reading!

~A few hours later~

FUUUUUUCKK ME!

I've been reading for around 5 hours now and I've only gotten through around half of the books! I've skipped a lot of the stuff about my brothers, too focused on trying to read everything else to find my answers!

I've found out a load of stuff that I didn't know before, like how my dad always really wanted a huge load of kids! And how my mom had this deep obsession with naming her kids meaningful and interesting things! Seems like that last one was lost slightly since none of our names are particularly peculiar for Italian and French names? I also saw her love of planning! There are pages and pages of things she always wished to do, whole travel itinerary plans for countries she never visited and activities she never did. Things she wanted to show her kids, places from her childhood, hobbies she's always dreamed of trying.

Dreams and wishes that are... just lost forever... Dreams that are literally just that now. Just dreams and never reality.

My heart becomes heavy with the thought.

I'm currently on the few months before mom got pregnant with me and my twin. It looks like things between her and dad weren't particularly good. He was always out at work and she was struggling trying to parent seven kids by herself. They were always fighting about small things and she seemed like she was trying so hard, they both were.

8th March 2007

Dear diary,

I'm currently sitting on the window seat of my empty bedroom, looking up into the night sky. The window is cooling my cheek, comforting my pounding head. The bright, full moon is the only light that illuminates the garden below me and my room. Despite the house full of my children, I just feel... completely and totally alone.

Things have been really hard lately. I've been trying, I really have. But it's just getting harder and harder. Every day is getting harder and harder.

Sometimes I know I need to get up, but I just can't find it in me to.

I just can't take any of it anymore.

I can't take any more of the arguments with Francesco. I can't take any more of the shouting and the screaming matches and the anger and frustration.

What happened to the happy 19 year old girl who was madly in love with the sweet, handsome, kind guy?

Somethings wrong. Somethings wrong with him and somethings wrong with me.

I just, I don't know what to do.

My brain is cloudy with fog and my hands shake.

And I'm tired. So so tired.

And today... something happened.

I'm holding a pack of frozen peas to cheek.

Because.... because he hit me. He hit me and I don't know what to do.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

He HIT HER?!

I can see that the page is flooded with tear drops that have fallen and blurred the words, but they're still there clearly.

'He hit me'.

What the fuck.

My eyes blur, tears welling up in them, but I refuse to let them fall as I continue the entry.

I know what I should do. I should leave him. Domestic violence is never okay.

But... I've got 7 kids! I can't rip them away from their father.

And I can't leave them. I can't. I can't live without them. I don't know what I would do without them. They are my lifeline, my soul and my heart.

And if I divorce, I won't win custody. I know I won't. I mean, who would give it to me? He is a super successful businessman who owns millions.

Let's not forget that he's a mafia leader and has eyes and help everywhere.

I would never win.

But, the burning red handprint on my cheek should be some sort of sign, right?

Maybe I'm being overdramatic. It's just one slap. And maybe I deserved it? I mean I was shouting back at him and arguing. And it won't happen again. I know it won't.

~A few entries later~

21st November 2007

Dear diary,

Nobody realises how mental it is to be this fucked up in the head and try to make everyone happy when you can't find your happiness. But I'll make sure my family is happy before I think about mine.

But, it's the moment when you know the tears are falling. Falling harder than they've ever fell before.

It's the moment when you can't breathe. The moment when air is refusing to enter your lungs.

The moment when you're whole body is tingling in shock. The moment when it refuses to feel the pain that it knows is inevitable from that kind of blow.

The moment when your vision goes cloudy.

The moment when you realise how bad this really is. How deep inside this you are.

The moment when you realise that it's too late. You had a chance. You had CHANCES! And you didn't use them.

I have not just failed, I have failed in one hundred, thousand different ways.

I have failed over and over again, and I knew it. Deep, deep down, I knew I would never leave. Never escape.

I'm... pregnant.

It is- was. It WAS quadruplets...

He... he pushed me. Down some stairs.

But, I just don't get it? He was thrilled to be having quadruplets. It was the happiest I had seen him in months. In YEARS!

But... but then we went for the sonogram... and we found out that they were all girls.

I was so happy. I've always wanted a little girl and now I have four!

But, but he wasn't happy?

I don't understand. I really don't.

But then... then we got home. He started shouting.

And then... then he starting hitting me.

I... I was standing too close to the staircase and I fell down them as he punched me right in the stomach.

And oh god there was so much blood.

It was pooling out of me like a sea.

I was drenched. The floor was drenched.

And I didn't know what to do.

I laid there for hours, eyes glossy, leaking blood.

That was before a maid spotted me and rushed me to the hospital.

And that's how I now sit here in a hospital bed, alone and cold, with three out of the four of my babies, questioning all my life choices.

I've fucked up.

And now I've fucked them over too. My actions killed my little girl. I KILLED my baby girl. And I'll never be able to forgive myself.

I loved him. He was my husband.

I loved him with my whole heart.

I would've taken a bullet for him in a heartbeat.

But it looks like sometimes the person you'd take a bullet for is the one behind the gun...

I can't breath. Tears are blocking my vision, drenching the book in front of me.

My hands shake as I take out the picture slotted inside.

It's a sonogram picture. Of four foetuses.

And the date stamp clearly reads 18th November 2007.

I turn the picture around and read the letters written on in scrawly hand writing.

Alexis (Lexi) Camille Russo

Date conceived: unknown

Date of death: 21/11/2007

Hello!

🎶It's been a long time coming🎶

I am so so sorry for the long wait!

I've been away on holiday for ages and had loads of exams and now I've got the fucking TMUA which is a maths entrance exam and it is honestly KILLING me I swear to god.

Buuuuuut I am definitely in my reputation era and nothing beats doing work (or trying to do work) whilst listening to Rep😌

I hope to see you soon!

P.S. just to recap the sonogram of the quadruplets was taken before they were born. Lila's mom wrote Lexi's name as a sort of goodbye remembrance thing. And then Elena died when Lila was young and we don't know about the other quadruplet! So we only know the whereabouts of one quadruplet (Lila), we know two are dead (Elena and Lexi) and we are unsure of the last one (for now😉🤪)

Sorry I didn't explain more in the chapter😅