"I stopped being Me a long time ago. I can't even remember who that was." -Unknown

~Recap~

Calling Viktor once again, I exclaimed "envoie quelqu'un chercher le corps d'Andreas maintenant." (send someone to pick up Andreas' body now)

Sighing, I walked away, maneuvering myself out of the alley. I began walking back to the apartment, breathing in the crisp New York air, and watching as it left my nose in steamy fog, like I was a fire-breathing dragon.

Climbing the steps to the apartment, I realised that I needed to head back to my biological siblings' home, just to avoid suspicion, make it look to the outside world like I am still living there. Clutching my blood soaked jacket around my body, I entered the keys into the lock and stepped into the only place I felt safe, awaiting my best friend and the now cold Chinese food that I had been looking forward to for far too long.

If only the peace that rested through my body could last...

~Now~

"You can't keep doing this to yourself, Lils." was the first thing I heard as I opened the heavy oak door.

I sighed, wishing for once my life could be easy. "There's nothing wrong, Grey. I'm fine. I'm always fine."

He stormed over to me, anger washing over his face. "No you're not. You're always working or always on a mission. You spend no time relaxing and you barely sleep. Your becoming consumed in work and it's not healthy!" My head was pounding due to the lack of sleep, but I wasn't about to let him know that. "Come on, Lila, let me in. Talk to me. Don't let this turn into last time."

Last time.

The time where I became so depressed, I ended up at the edge of a bridge, about to jump. I had been absorbed into work like I am now, I didn't sleep, didn't eat, didn't do anything but work. I refused to talk, refused to come to the apartment, refused to do anything but work. The wind had been in my hair, blowing out my dress. I had looked down, about to jump, and never felt so ready, so at peace. Looking down at the crashing water, I was at peace for the first time in a while.

And then Grey stopped me.

I hadn't heard him come behind me, hadn't seen him until all of a sudden I was no longer on the edge, no longer at peace.

And I had screamed and struggled, pushing and clawing my way back, but he didn't let me.

Eventually, I gave up, increased my therapy sessions to four times a week, and eventually pushed the emotions deep down inside of me.

It took a lot of coaxing, and a lot of therapy sessions, but after 6 months, I began to talk again. Only to Grey, but it was a big step. I became less absorbed in work and began doing things for fun.

✨Self-care✨

And now, I am fine. I have less urges to jump off of bridges or slit my wrists, but that doesn't mean the thoughts aren't still there.

I sighed again. "I know Grey, I know. It's not happening again. I'm okay, I promise. Just swamped at work. Call it ✨passion✨. I'm fine." I argue.

"Okay, okay. As long as you are okay." he replies calmly.

"I told you I'm fine." I shout.

Silence.

"Okay. Good night, Lila." He replied sadly.

Shit. I've messed up. Again. Like always.

"Night, Grey."

Fuck. I always mess up. He does nothing but help me and I fuck up. Again. And again.

Sighing, we both head to our bedrooms. As soon as my door shuts, I slide down it, staring at my hands.

I always mess up, I'm a failure. A failure of a daughter, a failure of a sister, a failure of a friend. Tears stream down my face. I failed at everything, even keeping my own twin safe. I failed.

No.

I am not doing this.

I am not going to cry. I can't cry. If I cry, I will never stop.

Only the weak cry, and I am not weak. I will never be weak.

Wiping the tears off my face, I stand and put on my emotionless face. I walk to the bathroom and get ready for bed, washing my face with my fruity face wash, before climbing under the covers and falling into a hopefully dreamless sleep.

~Morning~

The sun shines into my face, blinding my eyes as I squint to turn off my alarm.

"Fuck off" I shout as I throw it across the room.

*Crash*

Well shit. Now I need a new alarm. "Vee, order a new alarm." I tell my AI.

"Yes, Miss Hale." I created my AI a year ago. She's linked to all of the main places I go and can do just about everything. She speaks through speakers in the ceiling and alerts me for everything, from new emails to business calls, attacks to low sugar levels. Her name is Vanessa and she's the most intelligent AI so far.

I rub my tired eyes, attempting to wake myself up from my short sleep. I guess that's karma for everything that happened last night. Karma's a real bitch.

Taking the warm covers off my body, I swing my legs off the bed, shivering from the lack of warmth. As I stretch my arms, Vee tells me my calendar for the day, not like I didn't remember it anyways though.

"...meeting with the board at 4pm, briefing with the branding and marketing teams at 6, you need to run over the expense reports and CO2 emissions at 9 for tomorrow, you're therapist called again and wants you to book another appointment, you have a meeting... "

Oh god.

And with that, I sigh dramatically and flop back onto my bed.

Drama Queen. Oh shut up Linda and let me have my main character moment. Today is going to be a long day.

~Time skip~

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

"Lila. You need to talk to me. I know it's hard but you can do it."

My therapist has high hopes. Dr Ellis Smith-Barren has high high hopes. Unreachable hopes.

"Honestly, we've been doing these therapy sessions for three years now. I'm better, honest. You know that. There's nothing more for me to say." I argue.

She sighs. Disappointment lies on her face. Disappointment that I get from about everybody in my life. Because I am a disappointment. It's me. I can't do anything right. Just like with Grey, with my friends, with my family, with Lena.

"...Lila? Are you listening to me?"

"Sorry what was that?" I reply, utterly confused due to my zoning out.

"I said that you have improved. Greatly. Honestly, in such a short amount of time, you have improved more that any of my other patients I've ever had. I couldn't be more proud of you. And from everything you've been through, with the kidnapping, with Elena's death, the death of your parents, the neglect and verbal abuse of your brothers," I freeze at her words, "you've been through more than anyone should have ever dealt with in a life time. And I am so so proud. But, in order to fully recover to the best of your ability, you need to heal. Not push your emotions down. You need to heal."

"Okay but how do I heal?" I question, irritated by the riddles but keeping my face neutral as always.

"By talking to your brothers."

Nope. No. Absolutely not.

"Nu uh not happening ABSOLUTELY NOT. Those idiots have hurt me more than anyone else and I'm not tolerating it anymore. No. No way."

"Lila. Listen to me. If you do not speak to them, I do not think you can fully heal. I think you know that too. You have unfinished business with them. Isn't that why you go back a couple times a week? Surely it isn't because you're worried about CPS. You want them and you're scared to let them go."

I scoffed. "That's ridiculous. I don't want them and I don't need them to heal. I am done with them." I spoke, my temper rising.

"You might think so, Lila, but you do need them. And they may need you too."

I don't reply, unconvinced.

She sighs again. I honestly wonder how she is still my therapist. How is she not fed up of me already? And how is she still okay considering my first four therapists needed therapy themselves after talking with me for the first time!

"How about the diary. How has that been going." I had forgotten about the stupid book for a few days. It hadn't gone well. Everything in there is sad and depressing and makes me even sadder reading about it. It's like I can't even be happy for one moment in my life.

"Not great. I'm still convinced it's a waste of time." I answer finally.

"I know, but give it time. You never know. It could really help."

~Time Skip~

After that long therapy session, I realised I did need to go back to my childhood home and collect some documents that I left there last time. Sighing, I hopped into my Porsche and started driving.



I guess I'm going back to the place I once called home...

Bitch you go back like three times a week. With that photographic memory you sure are forgetful as fuck. I gasp. I feel personally attacked Linda! I am only a forgetful person because of my ADHD. And my therapist says that makes me ✨SpEcIaL✨! How dare you!

Yeah you're real ✨SpEcIaL✨considering you're arguing with your self-conscience once again. Your self-conscience that may I remind you YOU NAMED! So shut up you ✨SpEcIaL✨ son of a bitch.

Well that shut me up real quick.

And so I began my painful drive back.

If only I could prepare myself for the surprises that awaited me back at the hellhole...

I'm back! Sorry for the prolonged wait! I was meant to update much sooner but I had the last of my GCSE's and then I had a party and my Silver Duke of Edinburgh award all this weekend!

Turns out hangovers plus 4 and a half hours of sleep are not a great combo when you're about to walk 15km up a mountain with a massive heavy bag on your back.🙄

Well, I'm back and should be uploading more hopefully!

See you again, dear reader!