"Matthias-"

"NO! GO AWAY! I WANT MOM!" I cried while I shouted on top of my lungs. Where did these words come from? Is this how I was feeling up till now? My papa, who I admired all this time, was just standing there, I couldn't see his face, I couldn't feel him. I couldn't hear him. What was going on... I didn't want him to go away.

"Sweetheart don't work yourself up" I felt my uncle crouch behind me and he put his hand on my back, they went under my armpits, probably to pick me up but when I felt the most important figure in front of me shift and turn around, I became a leach. I flew forward and stuck to his trousers, burying my head to the side of his leg.

"Pap-a, Papa." Somehow my crying got worse, I could feel myself choking on my sobs, my heart felt so heavy, as if it was about to jump out of my throat. My chest felt nothing but pain. I didn't want him to leave me. He wouldn't leave me, he promised. But then, I felt his arms around me, I was picked up. Unconsciously clinging to his chest, I was finally met with the warmth I needed, the smell. My body started to rock slightly and his hand was caressing my nape. It felt so unreal, so...warm. I resisted the urge to open my eyes and instead pressed my face into him even more. Then... I don't remember.

I woke up in bed, it was dark, but the moonlight from the window made the room a little lighter. I instantly tried to get up. where was papa? A hand was placed on my chest and it gently pushed me down to lay on the bed again. I turned my head to the left, seeing him sitting next to me. A sigh of relief calmed my racing thoughts and I relaxed staring into his...light eyes. His hand left my chest only to pick up a glass. His other hand slid under my neck, helping me tilt my head forward as the glass of water was pressed to my lips. I took two large gulps, washing down the lump in my throat. I carefully stalked all of his movements and when we made eye contact, I didn't look away like I would until now. He felt so comfortable, so...warm. "You should go back to sleep" His voice was just as rough, as if he was forcing himself to soften it but how could he. I just chose mom over him. My dead mother. "I.." I started, part of me didn't know what to say and the other half just wanted to test if he would cut me off or not. He was listening. "I was scared" My bottom lip wobbled but I bit my inner cheek to prevent any unnecessary actions. "Of me?.." I quickly glanced at him, to be met with his painful gaze. "No" I quickly shook my head. I was never scared of him. He sure looked scary sometimes but I was never scared of him. "Avevo paura che saresti rimasto deluso da me..."( I was scared that you would be disappointed in me.) I Whispered. I felt him shift, his hand pressed on my forehead. He picked up the thermometer that was laying next to the glass. "Lift your arm up" The object felt cold, and I shifted uncomfortably when I laid my arm back down. Was he listening? "I thought you would leave me so I wanted to make it quicker." I continued. I wanted him to understand that I didn't want him to leave. I wanted my papa to be with me. I also wanted my momma. But was it so wrong to want both of them?

I was met with silence. What was I even talking about, but I wanted him to understand so badly, to comfort me, to say that he forgives me.

"I am disappointed."

My heart stilled. I glanced in the opposite direction and suddenly the lamp switched on.

"I am disappointed in you." Those words were so painful.

"Look at me." I quickly shifted my head and looked at him, his stern features carried so much softness. It was so unusual. Suddenly he helped me get out of the bed and made me stand in front of him. After he removed a thermometer and looked at it briefly, I glanced down as I felt my eyes become glossy.

"You disappointed me a great deal, Matthias" A sudden smack was felt on my butt and I jumped, shifting back with a sniffle. His hand was on my arm and he pulled me back in front of him. "I was disappointed when you hid away," A smack.

"Unh" I sobbed and turned to the left only to be pulled back in the same spot again. "I was disappointed when you hid your worries from me," Swat.

"P-apa" I sobbed.

"I am also disappointed in myself" I stilled and looked up at him, even though his appearance was hard to take in because of my blurred vision. "The greatest disappointment to me is myself. I am mad, I am angry at myself. I didn't take care of you like I should have. I was too busy grieving my wife, not noticing that you lost your mother too. But you were so tiny, so small. I thought you didn't even remember her. I thought you despised me, that's why I avoided you for so long. I thought you didn't want to see me. And when I found out you blame yourself for her death, I knew I made a grave mistake. I should not have thought that. " "Papa, I don't want you to go away" I cried softly. He moved his thumb over my eyes and for a second my vision was clear and I was able to take in his soft gaze, but it became blurry again.

"I know my little angel, I am not going anywhere" He picked me up and sat me on his lap. "From now on, I want you to tell me everything, how you feel, what you want to do, what you don't want to do. But I mean never, ever, Matthias. Never hide from me." He took my chin and raised my head to look at him. "Never."

"Yes papa" I nodded and moved to lay my head on his chest.

"I'm so sorry," I added.

"I'm sorry, too. Matthias. Papa is sorry, too. my love."





Dayum, this freaking feels nice.

By the way, I like to role play a lot, I also mentioned it in my bio. So if anyone is interested to do it with me, comment or do something man.(I do take both roles but I play the spankee one better) I'm not running out of ideas, it would just feel nice. I'm bored. mwah,