I haven't closed my eyes since I woke up at night and took advantage of it. I disappeared from the apartment before Acker woke up. He'll probably kill me when he finds out I'm not in the room, but on this day, I'd rather be dead.

I went to the other side of town, just to be far enough away from everyone and not run into anyone I knew. I want to be alone.

I would prefer to drink my feelings in anything, but I don't know how it would end up with me.

The fact that my cell phone is still with the police and I don't have a new one just suits me. Julie would always call me and make sure I was okay.

Of course, I would tell her that I am. I will not burden her with my feelings.

And it's not like I can get anything out of myself.

Even the weather said a huge "fuck you" to me on this day. It started raining an hour ago and it doesn't look like it's going to stop anytime soon.

I watched the people passing by from behind the glass in the almost empty cafe. Some were running to hide from the rain, and some were walking slowly.

I thought about what their lives are like.

We pass by people every day and rarely do we realize that everyone has their own life. Problems they don't talk about. Feelings they can't explain.

"Can I fill you another one?" I looked away from the window when an elderly woman with a pot of coffee next to me spoke. She had red hair and green eyes. She couldn't have been more than forty.

"Yes, thank you." I tried to smile.

She poured coffee into my empty cup and disappeared somewhere behind me. I didn't expect her to come back with a muffin and put it in front of me.

Before I could say anything, she spoke. "On the house." She smiled. "Since you are our only customer."

"What?" I looked around the cafe and realized that she was telling the truth. I thought there was someone else with me, but apparently, I was wrong. "Oh."

"Would you mind if I sat down?" She smiled at me with the most pleasant smile and I couldn't refuse her.

I nodded and Angelina, seeing her name on the name tag, sat opposite me.

"It looks like it's going to rain all day today." She was looking at the street.

"The coffee tastes better that way." I tried a joke which worked as it put a smile on her face.

"In that case, let it rain all week." She laughed.

"Maybe it will." I shrugged my shoulders.

"For someone your age, you look really sad." Oh, so it's visible that much. Good to know. "Shouldn't you be somewhere enjoying life?"

Do adults really think this is how the world works for us? That just because we are young, we are happy 24/7?

"Usually, but not today." I exhaled.

"My husband always said that even the hardest and worst day only has twenty-four hours." She smiled, but I could see a hint of sadness in her eyes. It was the same look I saw in the mirror this morning.

"Said?" I asked cautiously.

"Unfortunately he passed away. Five years ago." She looked around. "It was his idea to open a coffee shop."

"Did you get married again?"

"No." She laughed and lowered her head. "I'm too old for that."

"But would you be able to? Love someone again?"

"In our situation, he knew he was going to die. He said that if I ever fell in love, I shouldn't think about him. That just because he won't be here doesn't mean I should give up on love."

"Love is pain." I simply said.

"Oh, my sweet child." She shook her head. "Love is something that cannot be described. Yes, it can hurt. But it can also be something that makes us get out of bed in the morning and smile. It can be bad, but it can also be good. And sometimes we don't even know if it's bad or good. Love is unpredictable." She looked through the glass. "Think of it like rain."

"Like rain?" I frowned in confusion.

"When we have a bad day and it starts raining, we hate it. When we have a good day and it starts raining, we enjoy the cool drops on our skin. When we want it to rain, it doesn't. And when we don't want it to rain, it does. We can't control the rain or love. It's something natural."

"The only difference is that we can hide from the rain."

"That's true." She laughed. "When I lost my husband, I wanted to be alone. To hide from everything. But that didn't solve anything. I was hiding from something that couldn't be avoided. And the sooner I faced it, the sooner I could move on. I started working again." She pointed around. "Got my life together. It was hard, yes. But it was worth it."

I looked up at the clock. Seven minutes to five pm. "How very hard?"

"So much so that I thought it wouldn't be possible. But here I am. Everything is possible, but it's up to us to accept the challenge, no matter how difficult it is."

I exhaled heavily, still looking at the clock. A second passed and then another.

Maybe I chose this cafe so close to the Johnsons for a reason.

*****

I turned off the engine a few minutes ago. Ten, to be more precise. It's five-ten.

Mr. Johnson said dinner was at five, so they must have started already. Maybe I shouldn't go anywhere.

I'm standing on the street in my car with my hands on the steering wheel. I can't force myself to get out.

The only sound that plays in my ears is the rain falling on the windshield and my own breathing.

This is not me. Why am I so afraid?

Maybe because these people evoke the past in me.

Why can't someone just tell me what to do? I hate being ordered around, but I could use it right about now.

If I go there, I will open old wounds even more than they were before. But what if I don't go there? What if I regret it later?

I exhaled heavily and took a deep breath before slowly taking my hands off the steering wheel.

I pulled my hood over my head and put my hand on the door. With my heart pounding in my ears, I opened the car door and stepped out into the rain.

I closed them behind me, which was another big step, even if it doesn't seem like it, and locked it.

I took an uncertain step toward the huge yellow house with a wooden terrace.

I stopped at the door and threw the hood off my head. I reached my trembling hand to the doorbell and closed my eyes as I rang the bell.

Through the heavy rain that had started, I could barely hear it's sound from inside. I retreated a few steps, perhaps trying to escape, but my feet did not move from the terrace.

The wooden door began to open and at that moment there was no escape.

A woman with blonde hair and bright blue eyes appeared between them.

"Maya." It slipped out of her mouth.

"Mrs. Johnson." I tried to smile.

"Oh, I'm so glad you decided to come." She put her hand on her chest. "Come in, honey." She moved a little so I could pass her. "Let me look at you." She closed the door behind us and looked at me with a proud smile on her face. "Oh. Your hair." Her hand moved to my cheek. "You look stunning. I'm so glad to see you." She hugged me and I bit my lip to stop my mouth from shaking.

"I know I'm late, but..."

"Don't worry about that." She pulled away. "We're glad you came. Come, I've prepared a place for you too." She started leading me to the kitchen. "Luke, look who came." We walked into the kitchen and Mr. Johnson was sitting at the table.

"Maya." He smiled and rose from his chair to greet me. He hugged me tightly before pulling away and wrapping his arm around his wife.

"Glad you came before I picked out the dessert because there wouldn't be any left if I put it in front of him." Mrs. Johnson laughed, clutching her husband's chest.

"Don't exaggerate." He laughed with her. "Let's sit down." He pointed to the table for me to sit down.

I sat down without saying a word, and in a moment they both did too. Mrs. Johnson was serious about setting up a place for me. They were really waiting for me to come. How could they know before I did?

"So Maya, tell me, are you still working at that bar?" She asked after a moment.

"Yes." I was waiting for some kind of reminder that I could do better in life, but that didn't happen.

"I think that's wonderful, don't you Luke?" Mr. Johnson just nodded with his mouth full. "I can't even mix a simple drink and I'm clumsy enough to break every glass I grab."

"I'm sure that's not true." I laughed.

"Oh trust me, it is. I tried working in a restaurant when I was young and ended up with almost nothing in my paycheck because I had to pay for all the damage."

"Really?" I looked at her in surprise.

"It was a complete disaster." Mr. Johnson spoke. "But at least the only thing that was hurt was the dishes and not the people."

"Luke." She admonished him, but she had a smile on her face.

They were joking the whole time. Mrs. Johnson was sipping some wine she offered me, but since I'm driving, I declined.

I had almost completely forgotten about their son and the anniversary of his death.

They seemed so happy, despite the day.

"Excuse me." Mr. Johnson stood up from the table when his cell phone rang and went into the next room.

"Oh, the job." Mrs. Johnson exhaled heavily. "It follows him everywhere."

"But he's doing something that helps people."

"Yeah, but at least today he could..." She shook her head and now was the time she seemed really sad. As if she couldn't have a smile on her face unless her husband was with her. Maybe he is such a support that she wouldn't be able to do it without him.

"I'm sorry." He returned to the kitchen. "We have an emergency, I have to go." He walked over to his wife and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "I'll be home asap. Nice to see you, Maya." He smiled at me and disappeared through the door.

"I can't wait for him to retire." She took a sip of red wine. "He didn't even have time for dessert." She said sadly.

"I'm sure nothing will happen to it." I laughed.

"He'll eat it when he comes back, I know it." She placed the cutlery on the empty plate and wiped her mouth with a napkin. "I'm glad you came, Maya." She looked at me. "I understand if you say no, but I have some of Christian's things that I left in the box for you. Would you like them?" She was looking at me in such a way that it would probably break my heart if I said no.

"Of course." I tried to keep everything together. But it was worth her smile.

We stood up from the table and I followed Mrs. Johnson upstairs to Christian's old room.

I'm almost too lost when I noticed that everything was as it used to be.

While she was taking something out of the closet, I walked over to the bedside table, which had a picture of me and Christian on it. The moment I touched the frame, I fought back tears.

"Here it is." She walked over to the bed with the box and put it down.

I sat down next to her and opened the box while she was looking at me.

There were a few old photos that I didn't even have the heart to look at. Brushes that were once mine and a few drawings.

"I've always liked this one." She pointed to one of my drawings. "Looks like you too." She looked at my arm, where I had a tattoo of two swallows.

I put them on the bed next to the photos and reached back into the box, where I felt the soft fabric. I pulled out a brown checkered shirt that brought back an incredible amount of memories.

How Christian looked in it. How I always stole it from him.

I pulled it to me and buried my nose in it. I smelled his scent. How can it still smell like him after all this time?

I tried to breathe deeply to keep myself together. I don't want her to see me like this.

I put the shirt on my legs and felt a hand on my back. When I looked at Mrs. Johnson, she had tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I'm so sorry," I said in a shaky voice, tears on my face. "I'm so sorry for what happened."

"Oh Maya, it wasn't your fault." She shook her head and wiped away her tears.

"Yes, it was." I let the tears roll down my cheeks. "If he hadn't come for me, he wouldn't be in that car." My voice broke. "How can you even look at me? I took your son from you."

"Oh no." She shook her head. "Don't say that. It's the drunk driver's fault, not yours."

"He wouldn't be there..."

"Stop." She cut me off. "You can't blame yourself for something you had no control over. Christian wouldn't want that."

Dead people don't want anything anymore. It echoed in my head.

"He wouldn't want you to cry either." She ran her hand over my cheeks and wiped away my tears. "He'd like you to move on. You're young. You can find love again."

"No one can replace your son." I shook her head, more tears streaming down my cheeks.

"While I'm glad you say that, I hope it's not true. You deserve to be loved."

"It's not fair."

"I know, honey. I know." She wiped her cheeks. "But that's life. And sometimes we have no control over it. There's nothing we can do about it. You can't beat yourself up all your life, Maya. Please don't. We want you to be happy. Even if it's not with Christian. He would want it that way." She smiled sadly.

"It's not that easy."

"I know." She moved the box further and moved closer to hug me. "I know." I buried my head in her neck and let out everything I had been suffocating for so long.

*****

I didn't even try to go quietly. It's a little before eleven and I doubt Acker is asleep.

I unlocked the door and waited for the curses to start flying.

I was surprised when it didn't happen.

I put the keys on the counter and that's when I noticed Acker quietly getting up from the couch.

"If you want to scream, do it now." I shrugged my shoulders. "If not, I'll go to sleep, I'm tired." Mainly from crying, but he doesn't need to know that.

He just looked at me and I couldn't make out what was in his eyes.

"Are you okay?"

I didn't expect that.

I was so surprised that it took me a few minutes to recover. "Mmh." I nodded.

"All right." He dropped his hands down his body and started walking into the room.

"Wait what? That's it?" I frowned. This is not how I imagined our conversation would go.

"Get some sleep, we'll talk tomorrow." He strode forward again and now he didn't stop.

I looked at the closed door of his room for a while longer.

That was weird.

Was he really waiting for me all this time just to tell me we'll talk tomorrow? I really don't understand men.

I slowly walked into the room and closed the door behind me. I threw myself on the bed but did not close my eyes.

Only after some time I turned my head to the side and noticed the time. 00:03

I made it.

I survived this day.



Two chapters today because why not.