I fucked up.

I fucked up so bad I'd rather face my own father than see Maya cry again.

Why did I ask? I knew it wouldn't be easy for her to say, but I asked anyway. How big of an idiot can one person be?

She was quiet the rest of the way on the plane and in the car to her apartment.

It was killing me.

She was lost in her own head and there was nothing I could do about it.

Everything she said...it all started to make sense to me. The reason why she sometimes behaves the way she does. Why she doesn't want to let anyone in. Because she did and she lost him.

If I could, I would kick the shit out of Christian, if only because he left her. Even if it wasn't his fault.

I'm talking nonsense, I know. But my head is going through something right now.

"Made up? Yes. Cried?" She snorted. "If Maya ever sheds a tear, something is going to be really bad." I heard Julie's words over and over in my head.

More than once I wanted to say something while we were sitting in the car, but I didn't want to make it worse.

I promised that what was said on the plane would stay there. I don't need her to start yelling at me for being a liar again.

"Maya?" I finally spoke as I closed the door to her apartment while she was walking towards her room.

She stopped, her shoulders stiffened, and turned slowly. She looked tired. Not physically, but mentally.

"Are you hungry?" She sighed at my question. She relaxed and even tried to smile.

"No, but thank you."

"Okay." I nodded, but neither of us moved. We stood a few meters apart and looked at each other.

"Uhm..." She looked down at the ground before looking back up at me. "I'd like to go see Julie at Eddie's later. You don't have to go, I'm just letting you know."

"I'll join. I need a drink."

"Okay." She bit her lip and slowly turned and went to her room.

"Good job Sebastian," I said quietly to myself. "Could you be any more awkward?" I shook my head and threw myself on the couch.

I noticed that my phone vibrated, but I let it go.

I need to organize my thoughts.



I feel like everything inside me is boiling. Like I have tension inside me that I need to release or else I'll have a breakdown.

I almost lost it just picking out something to wear to Eddie's. I hated everything I put on.

I wanted to burn all my clothes because maybe after that I would feel better.

When my cell phone didn't work, I almost smashed it, I was so frustrated with everything.

I felt like stripping off my skin, scratching myself until I bled. Then maybe the tension would be released from my body.

I slowly left the room and found Acker on the couch, smiling from ear to ear while he was on the phone with someone.

"Oh yeah?" He laughed. "You'll show it to me when I get back, how about that? Yeah? Okay." He ran his hand over his face. "It's getting late, Lucy. Tell everyone I said hi, okay? Good night." He smiled once more before placing the phone on the table.

If I remember correctly, Lucy is his niece. I didn't know he had such an approach toward children. I always took him for someone who can't stand children. I guess I was wrong.

I cleared my throat to get his attention and he immediately turned around.

"I'll be on my way if you want to join me then." I grabbed the spot just above my left elbow with my right hand.

"Yeah sure, I'll just get my jacket." He got up from the couch and walked into the room. He came back and we left.

Neither of us spoke the whole way. And we even went on foot.

"I'll go find Julie," I announced to him as we entered the bar. Acker just nodded, and before he could say anything else, I was out of his sight.

I found Julie at one of the tables, near the bar. "Maya!" She awkwardly got up from her chair and walked over to me. She threw herself on top of me and wrapped her arms around my neck.

At that moment I smelled a strong smell of alcohol. Julie is drunk.

"Hi." We pulled away from each other. "What's going on? What are we celebrating?" I looked at the empty glasses in front of her.

"Life of the single." She reached for the glass but tripped so I caught her before she hit the edge of the table.

"Careful." I helped her sit up. "What's wrong Julie?" I looked at her with concern.

"Nothing." She smiled, but I could see in her that it wasn't true. "Let's sit down." She pointed to the table and we sat down. "So how was the flight?"

"Worse than you can imagine." I shook my head. "But it doesn't matter. How were things here while I was gone?" I looked at the bar where Mason and Andrew were. I waved to Mason when he noticed me. He smiled at me but went back to work when someone started dictating his order.

"All the same." She shrugged and reached for the stamper, which I assume contained vodka. She drank it all at once and frowned sourly.

Something is wrong here.

"Well. Shit." Julie said with a smile while looking somewhere behind me. "How is it possible that he's even sexier than last time?"

"Who is?" I frowned and turned in my chair to see who we were talking about. "Well shit." I laughed when I saw a familiar face.

He looked around the bar, and when his gaze rested on me, he smiled and immediately started walking toward me. "Hey, Carter."

"Garret!" I jumped out of my chair and hung around his neck, excited to see him.

He put his hands on my ass and lifted me off the ground. "Long time no see." He smiled, dimples showing on his cheeks.

"What are you doing here?" I pulled away from him and he slowly put me on the ground.

I looked him over from head to toe. His long black hair was perfectly styled, and I wanted to run my hands through it and ruffle it. The slight stubble that tickled my cheek a moment ago was as dark as his hair. He also had sharp cheekbones and was as tall as Acker, but a little more built.

"I thought I'd stop by. I was passing through town. I was hoping to find you here."

"I just got here. Oh, you remember Julie, don't you?" I moved so he could see her.

"Of course I do." He nodded to her and she to him. "Good to see you."

"You too." She said as she drank another stamper. Okay, no time for Garret, Julie needs me. It doesn't matter how much I missed this giant.

"I'm sorry, but I have to take Julie home." I turned back to him. "I hope you didn't stop just because of me..."

"Oh no." I heard from behind me. "Don't worry about me." I looked at Julie, who got up and started to put on a jacket. "Is Sebastian here?" I nodded confused. "I'll ask him to take me home." She came up to me and kissed my cheek. "You don't have to have a ruined evening because of me."

"Julie..." I started but she cut me off.

"Just kidding." She laughed, but I could see that she was sad. "You take care of her." She pointed at Garret.

"Yes, Ma'am." He laughed and let Julie walk past him. I watched her while she looked for Acker and finally found him coming out of the toilets. Then I lost sight of her. "Shall we sit down?" Garret pointed to the table where Julie sat.

"Sure." I smiled and walked over to the chair he pushed out for me before he sat down too.

I feel much more relaxed than before when he is here. It must be the pleasant energy he gives off.

"So how are you doing Carter? Anything new since we haven't seen each other?"

"Not really." I thought about it. "I'm still working here, living life to the fullest."

"No boyfriend?" He raised an eyebrow.

"No." I laughed. "No boyfriend."

Yes, it's no surprise that I slept with Garret. He comes into town once every few months and it usually ends up with us in my bed.

We are both not into relationships, so we complement each other perfectly.

Yes, I sleep with a lot of guys who are also much older, sue me for having needs.

"What about you? Girlfriend?"

"Nope." He leaned heavily against the chair, his gaze intense. "I'm young, I have time." Funny since he's still a year older than Raymond and he said he didn't have time.

"Really?" I laughed.

"Carter." How can something so simple say so sexual?

He moved closer to me and wrapped his arm around my chair. He leaned over to my ear and touched it with his lips.

"I wonder how long it will take us to get to your bed today." He whispered and shivers ran down my body.

"That depends." I pulled my head away from him to look at him. "Are you here by car?"

*****

Garret dragged me to my room, neither of us bothering to take off our shoes.

When we were standing in my room, I closed the door behind us and before I could properly turn around, he pressed me against it. He trapped me between them and his solid chest.

I looked up at him, my hands on his chest. "What are you waiting for?"

The corner of his mouth lifted and without a word, he bent his head towards me and connected our lips.

I want to say it's like before. That only his kisses made my knees weak. That his touch made me fall apart because he sometimes knew my body better than I did myself.

But I can't.

I didn't feel anything. No sparks like before. No butterflies in my stomach. I didn't even want to undress him.

"Carter," shit, he noticed, "what's going on?" He pulled back and studied my face.

"I'm sorry, I...I don't know what's wrong. I want this..." I gestured between us. "But I don't know," I said confused.

"Hey, that's fine. We don't have to if you don't want to." He ran his hand over my cheek. "We can just talk, I don't mind." He gave me a reassuring smile.

"Sorry..."

"Carter." He stopped me. "I'm not mad, really." He removed his hand from my cheek and without turning around walked over to my bed and laid down. He patted the spot next to him and I slowly walked over to him.

I laid down next to him and Garret put an arm around my shoulders before I lay down on his chest.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He said in a calm voice.

"Shit. I forgot you studied psychology."

"Not anymore. I'm done."

"Really?" I looked up at him. "When?"

"A few months ago." He smiled at me. "But that's beside the point. We're talking about you, Carter."

"I don't know what's wrong." I lay down again so that I wouldn't see his face.

"I think I know. I think you lied to me when you told me you didn't have anyone."

"I wasn't lying." I shook my head.

"So if it's not your boyfriend, someone is here anyway, am I right?" I didn't answer him and he took it as my answer. "Who is it?"

"It doesn't matter." I breathed out hard. "There's never going to be anything between us."

"Why? Is he that old?" He laughed.

"Stop." I smacked his chest, which only made him laugh more.

"Okay, if not that, then why?"

"It's complicated." I shrugged my shoulders.

"I need you to give me something more than this if I'm going to help you, Carter." I felt his hand on my bare arm. He started making a circular motion with his finger, which for some reason calmed me down. "Is it just sex between you two or is it something more?"

"I don't know. The physical attraction is definitely there, but it shouldn't be. We haven't slept together yet, maybe if we did, we'd get over it and everything would be back to normal." I was surprised when Garret started laughing. "What?" I looked up at him, frowning.

"Carter don't tell me that shit ever worked. 'Let's have sex to get it out of our system?' That's straight-up bullshit. It never ends there." He shook his head with a smile. "It's just an excuse for people who don't know what to do because they're attracted to each other like magnets."

Ha! And now you're screwed, Maya.

"If there's such tension that you have to fuck it out, it's not just about sex."

"I liked you better when you weren't a therapist." I frowned.

"Come on Carter. You still like me." He smiled and dimples appeared on his cheeks. "But I'll give you some advice, not as a therapist, but as a friend. It's not bad to let someone in. Yes, it might hurt, but at least the pain will make you know you're alive."

So that's something everyone wants to think about right before going to bed. Oh god, why did I let Acker get under my skin?

Have you seen this guy? It's impossible for him to not get under your skin. No one will blame you for this, except yourself.

Well, that's great and exactly what I needed.

Kill me. Please.



I need a friend like Garret.