The bell hadn't rung yet to signal the end of the day, meaning Joey was still in class. I decided to go back to my dorm. My thoughts were a tangled mess, and I needed to work through them. My world, yet again, had been violently turned upside-down and mixed up like a cocktail shaker. I had assumed that I was stranded here at the giant boarding school after my mother abandoned me. The tantalizing opportunity to return to a normal life, with other humans my size, was something I had been pining for ever since I first got here.

So why was my heart in such turmoil? As I biked through the vast, empty halls of the giant school, I was reminded of how small and insignificant I had felt upon my arrival, like hardly a person at all. Certainly, I was tiny when compared to a giant, I couldn't deny that. But insignificant? No. Mr. Henderson and Joey treated me with kindness and respect, and attended to my needs to the best of their abilities. The other giant students, such as Stephanie, were beginning to notice me more and recognize me as an individual. Hell, even the giants who hated me like the principal or the student who swallowed me out of spite still attributed some meaning to my presence; otherwise, they would have treated me with indifference, rather than such execrable contempt.

I realized that a lot had changed within me in the short time I had been here. While I still got nervous around giant strangers I didn't know, for obvious reasons, I wasn't absolutely terrified of all giants like I had been initially. Like the human doctor had told me, the feeling faded with time. Despite my excessive, egregious suffering, my attitude and behavior had improved significantly overall. I didn't lash out at everything and everyone around me and misbehave just for the sake of it. External factors were a huge reason for the difference, but internally I was affected as well. In my personal trial by fire, I discarded my weaknesses and discovered strength, bravery, and resilience I didn't know I had, along with a new blossoming force within me that wanted to be better, to fight for something more than a tormented existence.

I biked through the doors of the school out into the courtyard, brightly lit by the afternoon sun. The colossal trees were starting to shed their leaves for the fall season, leaving the pavement and grass peppered with vivid hot splashes of red, orange, and yellow in varying shades. The leaves rustled and crunched in a satisfying way under the narrow tires of my bike as I sped along. The languid warmth of the summer breeze was gradually giving way to the crisp autumn air.

I couldn't deny that this giant world was beautiful, and had its own appeal to it. I thought about Joey and Mr. Henderson. Joey was so sweet and thoughtful, and I had developed an irresistible crush for him. Mr. Henderson had been by my side since the beginning, and was more of a father figure to me than my absent biological father. Could I really give up the strong ties I had forged to live with humans again? Was it worth it?

If I went back to the human side of the wall, I'd be put in "the system," a cold and impersonal machine for processing the unwanted, a ruthless bureaucracy that chewed up people and spat them back out. I would live in an orphanage or be relocated to live with strangers. Maybe they would be nice people, or maybe not: There was no way to know for certain. I would be alone again, and would have to start everything from scratch. My old life was dead to me; nobody loved or missed me over there, or waited eagerly for me to come back. Not even my own mother. I pushed her out of my mind. She didn't deserve to occupy my thoughts anymore.

Instead, I tried to picture what a life here would look like, with Mr. Henderson as my father. My father. I could have an affectionate father again, one who would care for me and love me. A comforting glow flowed into my soul, overflowing through my body until even the hole inside me disappeared. The idea was alluring. I could dream of a rosy future.

A glance at the watch on my wrist snapped me back into cold reality. I was really only parsing through the positives, as if trying to convince myself to accept an idealistic image of what could be. I wanted a father so badly, I was almost willing to set aside the painful truth that I simply didn't belong here. It was a dream, nothing more.

I didn't know if I could survive among giants for any extended period of time. I had already been through hell so many times, had enough close calls with death to leave me traumatized for the rest of my life. I ran through all the terrible events in my head. I had been bullied to tears and devoured alive by one giant student, and had only escaped being digested in his stomach because Mr. Henderson happened to be nearby to get me out. Another giant student had snatched me up when I was alone in a foiled attempt to gratify his own sexual urges—a student who was currently present on campus, by the way, and still posed a threat. The giant principal had harmed me badly enough to send me to the hospital, and I had been helpless to stop him. Even when malicious intent wasn't involved, a simple accident had the potential to kill me, such as in the diner when I had almost been eaten a second time by another giant.

I constantly needed to be on high alert, in case there was a predator lurking in the shadows. Any giant could easily kidnap me, torture me, eat me, kill me. Could I really endure the pain and chronic fear? Not likely. Was it worth being loved if living with giants might kill me? Probably not. My soul withered and died within me with recognition of the reality I lived in. I had to prioritize my safety first. As usual, I didn't really have much of a choice. In that sense, the illusion of choice was a deception, a falsehood.

I pulled up to the human dorm and shelved my bike in the rack. At least with the roof locked I felt safe here. I went inside, continuing to mull over my options, or lack thereof. Why was life so cruel? The twisted irony of my situation was not lost on me. I had been desperate to return to the human world, and now that I had the chance, I didn't want to go. What the hell was wrong with me?

To distract myself, I flopped down on my bed and worked on some homework. I had almost forgotten about the English assignment the teacher had given the class the day I went to the hospital. I figured this would be a good chance to try out my new computer. I set up the laptop and wrote the essay, pretending as if the homework mattered. As if anything I had done here mattered. I had barely attended my classes since enrolling at the giant school. I had yet to go to my third period class, but I guess it wasn't important anyways. Regardless, for whatever reason, I did the assignment, and emailed it to my teacher with a brief apology for tardiness.

Once I was done with all my homework, I played on my new computer and explored some of its features. I thought to myself, with a twinge of pain, how kind Mr. Henderson was to provide me with the tools necessary for me to succeed in school. It would be hard to leave, I realized, to simply give up on all the things I had strived for. The advance of thunderous footfalls jerked me out of my thoughts. As I got up out of bed, there was a knock on the door.

"Eren?" Joey's voice called out to me. "You in there?"

"Coming!" I yelled back, hopefully loud enough for him to hear me. I felt a stab of remorse, knowing I would have to say goodbye to Joey if I decided to leave. I would break his heart, and shatter mine in the process. A pit of dread settled in my stomach, but I forced a smile and opened the door. He was crouching down outside, looming over the building with one hand casually resting on the roof, and beamed when he saw me.

"Hi Eren! Everything good?" he asked, with a mild hint of concern. "If you don't mind me asking, what did Mr. Henderson want?"

"Oh... not much. I got my bike back. He also gave me a laptop so I can do my schoolwork on my own. You won't have to help me type up my homework anymore," I informed him. I decided not to mention the more pertinent discussion of my future. I hadn't made a decision yet, so telling Joey would be premature.

"Nice!" Joey said. "You deserve it!" He grinned in a way that made my heart dissolve in my chest. "So, are you free tonight? There's a new movie out that sounds neat. It's about a superhero that can turn into a bug, or something like that. You wanna go with me?"

Of course I was free. "Sure," I replied. "Let me change out of my school uniform, and I'll be right out." I closed the door and quickly changed. As my body mechanically went through the motions, I collected together my confused thoughts. Should I tell Joey? Perhaps he could help me work through my line of reasoning, and give me some good advice, much-needed fresh perspective. On the other hand, we had become emotionally invested in each other; he wouldn't be an objective voice in the matter. I was conflicted, but I had time. I would hold off for now and enjoy our time together, because we might not be able to see each other for much longer.

My chest tightened. If I went back to human society, I didn't know where I would be sent. I might be placed in a home far away from the wall, never able to visit Joey. The faceless adults who would hold power over me may prevent me from ever coming back. Humans feared giants and viewed them as dangerous—a fact I knew better than anyone. No responsible guardian would let their ward gallivant about on the giant side of town unsupervised. I realized then that moving to the human side of the wall would be a permanent break. There would be no going back.

With that realization weighing my heart down like a metal ball and chain, I stepped back outside and smiled up at Joey. He smiled back, and I suddenly felt light, like I could float away. Goodness, he was handsome. The late afternoon sun painted his face and body on one side in a warm glow that made him look like he was shining, almost angelic. He opened his hand to me and I climbed inside it, settling down in the curved center.

He lifted me up high into the sky, elevating me far above the earth. The air so far up felt cooler, cleaner, crisper, as it danced on my face and ran through my hair. He surrounded me with his body, his warmth, larger than life. I leaned back into the fabric of his shirt, against the wall of flesh behind it, and exhaled with contentment. He began to walk with those enormous long legs of his, and I rocked soothingly with the rhythm of his great strides. When I was with Joey, everything felt right. All my problems and hardships seemed to dissolve away, drip off his hand into the infinite expanse below, never to be seen again. How could I possibly bring myself to give this up?

The hard boundary delineating my options had crystallized in my mind into not only practical choices, but abstract concepts, with real consequences. If I stayed with the giants, I would be choosing love, both romantic and familial. I would be choosing danger and risk and adventure. An exciting and fulfilling life, but also one fraught with hazard and terror, perhaps unnaturally short, violent, and brutal. I may flourish, or I may fall. If I decided to go back with the humans, I would be choosing safety and security. I would be choosing loneliness, emptiness, conformity, mediocrity. My body would certainly live, but my spirit would flounder.

In both choices was an element of the unknown. I could not see through the fog that obscured the future. I was lost in the murky gloom, and didn't know the way. I didn't know what option was right or wrong. One choice might kill my physically, but the other choice might rob me of any chance of happiness or love. I just didn't know.