Ari

When I woke up and noticed chalrlie wasn't here, I lost it. The first thought that went through my head was that something happend to her, someone took her.

Maybe what I said to seb was inconsiderate, but that's my little girl. The one person in this world I could absolutely not live without. If anything ever happened to her my life would be over. I have proven I can live without seb, he proved he could live without me.

Charlie saved my life in that basement, she continues to save my life everyday. When the memories sneak into my head, when all I want to do is make it all go away. To make the pain stop, the one person that stops me from doing something I can't take back is my little girl.

Charlie comes first, always, not matter what. I won't let her live a life without me because I'm not strong enough to fight the demons in my head. Charlie comes first, no matter what which is why I allowed seb into our lives. She deserves a dad who will put her first who will do whatever it takes to protect her, who will love her no matter what. So no matter how hard this is for me, I'll do it for her.

No one really knows what it's been like for me since I have been home. The thoughts that play in my head. The struggle it is to keep breathing some days. I'm greatful I'm home, I really am. I'm happy that my daughter most likely won't remeber what happened in that God awful place. But I'll remember every detail. I remeber it like a movie playing in my head, I can't escape it, I feel like I'm spiraling.

"Mommy" He hear my little girl call out after the front door opens.

"Hi baby, did you get some food?"

"Yeah, daddy took me to Donalds."

"That was nice of him." I smile at her.

"I got you some food too angel." He says setting down three bags of food along with a happy meal box in the table. "I got allot take whatever you want. I'm going to run your dad's truck down to the club house. Peyton is going to drop your car off later."

"Okay, are you coming back?"

"Yeah. I'll be right back."

"Okay" I nod. I don't know why I asked. Maybe I just don't want to be here with charlie alone.

"Thank you daddy, love you" Charlie says climbing onto a chair and grabbing her happy meal box.

"No problem princess, I love you too." He places a kids on top of her head before turning to me. "I love you angel" He kisses my temple then heads to the door.

The thing is I know seb loves me. I know seb loves Charlie. I know we love him back. What I dont know is if I can move on and have a happy normal life with him, the life I dreamed about when I was a kid. So much has happened in the last few years. I just hope no matter what he'll always be there for charlie. I hope no matter what happens between the two of us he never breaks her heart.

"Come eat mommy" charlie breaks me out of my thoughts.

Seb is back not even ten minutes later. He sit across from me and charlie "I'm sorry angel, It won't happen again I promise"

I nod at him "I was just worried."

"I'll wake you up and tell you next time"

"Thank you."

"Will you take me somewhere tomorrow after church?"

"Sure, where?"

"Car lot."

I look at him quizzically "why?"

"Can't really put a carseat on a motorcyle."

"You're going to buy a car so you can drive charlie around?"

"I'm buying a car so I can drive my old lady and daughter around." He nods

"When do I get to meet her?" I raise and eye brow at him.

He furrows his in confusion "meet who?"

"Your old lady. Is she going to be mad that charlie and I are here?"

"You got jokes" he deadpans. "You know damn well im talking about you."

"Hmmm, I don't remeber having a conversation about me being your old lady."

"You can live in denial for now pretty girl." He chuckles.

But it's not denial it's the truth, I don't know if I'll ever be able to give seb what he keeps saying he wants. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be truly happy again. I don't know if I can give him the love he deserves. At the end of the day seb isn't a bad guy for what he did when I was gone. Seb is one of the best men I know and he deserves to be happy even if it's not with me. I just have to figure out a way to tell him that won't break his heart, becuase that's that last thing I want to do.

I sleep in Charlie's room that night cuddles up to her in her princess castle bed. When I wake up she's not in bed next to me, but I can hear her laughter floating through the open door. When I get downstairs I find her and seb in the kitchen making breakfast.

"Good morning angel" seb smiles.

"Morning" I groan making my way to the coffee pot.

"Peyton dropped off a bunch of groceries this morning, she wasn't really impressed with our McDonald's for lunch and pizza for dinner." He laughs.

"What time is it?"

"Almost eleven, charlie just woke up too. My girls decided to sleep in on me today, so looks like a late breakfast. I have to head to the club house soon. If you still will, we can head to the car lot when I get back, maybe go to the P-A-R-K after?"

"Yeah that sounds good." I chuckle. He's catching on, he knows if he says the P- word out loud charlie will be trying to go right this second.

"Go sit down, my love. Breakfast is almost done. Charlie and I got it all under control. Go enjoy your coffee."

"Thank you." I do what he told me and go out on the back deck. To enjoy a cup of coffee at the rocking chair outside.

A few minutes latter I can hear the pitter patter of feet running through the house. "Mommy come eat" My little girl sings.

When I get to the dinning room seb is setting down a plate of pancakes. There's also eggs, sausage, and hasbrowns. "Wow. You guys did a good job"

"Thank you" Charlie beams climbing into her char as seb is making her plate. "Thank you daddy"

"You're welcome princess." He smiles at her.

"Can I come with you daddy?"

"Not today honey." I tell charlie as I fill up my plate.

"Why?" She whines.

"Daddy has to go to the clubhouse for an important meeting. When I get home we're going to all go bye-bye okay?" Seb trys to consoul her with his words.

"But I want daddy." She huffs

"And daddy will be back soon I promise" he tells her.

I'm happy that charlie loves seb so much, but it still is breaking ny heart that she doesn't want to be here with me. Maybe I'm not good enough for charlie either, maybe I'm too damaged to give her everything she needs.

Maybe she can see my fractured bit. Is seb giving her something that I can't? Is he showing her more love than I am? Does he make her happier than I make her?

"Fine" charlie huffs crossing her arms over her chest.

"Eat your food charlie, or no surprise later" seb tells her.

Once we're done eating seb heads upstairs to get ready.

"Do you want mommy to come play barbies with you?"

"No" charlie huffs and flops on the couch.

"What's wrong?"

"I want to go with daddy"

"I'm sorry charlie"

"We can go" she looks up at me with those big puppy dog eyes.

"Not right now, maybe later"

"Fine" she sighs with her arms folded over her chest her full attitude on display.

"Do you want to watch some tv?"

"Yeah, frozen please."

"Okay" I nod turning on the movie for her.

"Alright, my loves. I gotta go. I'll see you girls in a little bit" seb says once he comes back in the room dropping a kiss to the tops of both of our heads over the back of the couch "love you both."

"Love you daddy" charlie tells him keeping her focus on the TV.

Seb put his finger under my chin moving it to the side and up so I'm looking at him. His brows furrow in confusion "are you okay, baby?"

"Yeah" I lie.

"I can stay. I'll tell your dad I can't make it."

"No I'm fine, really." I give him my best fake smile. He doesn't buy it. Seb and I werent together that long before I disappeared, but he still knows me better than anyone else in the world.

"Baby, if you want to talk you know I'm here right?"

"I know"

We're interrupted by an annoyed toddler "shhhhh" she hisses, like she hasn't seen this movie ten times and she might miss some crucial plot line she didn't know was coming.

Seb chuckles a little. "You call if you need me I'll have a prospect hold my phone incase."

"I'll be fine."

"Somethings wrong, angel. I know you. We'll talk about it when I get home okay?"

"Maybe" I shrug turning my head back to face the TV.

I realse the breath that I didn't know I was holding when I hear the front door open and close.

Something is wrong.... that something is me...