⚠️ TW- ABUSE ⚠️

"FASTER"

"HARDER"

My gymnastics coach is really challenging me tonight with all this shouting. I'm currently on bars struggling. I'm trying to loop around it 5 times before my dismount but I'm having trouble going from my 4th rotation to my 5th. It feels too hard as if I don't have enough momentum which makes be back out of it.

Part of that might be because I'm malnourished. I'm not really at the weight I should be. I'm obviously severely underweight for a 14 year old. My ribs are clearly visible through my black and blue skin but I'm able to hide it a little with baggy jumpers.

The blame is fully on my foster parents. They say that I'm not allowed to eat as there is not enough money to feed us all. There's no money because they spend it all on drugs and alcohol. I can't complain too much though as they give me a roof over my head and food sometimes. I've got to remember that some kids have it worse than me.

I've got to be thankful as they didn't have to take me in. I know that most children aren't treated like that but I try to find the best out of things.

You may be thinking that I'm not allowed to wear my own clothes for gymnastics but I'm part of the elite squad where clothes isn't a safety hazard for us. Also I have a deal with my coach. Well it's not really a deal. After refusing to take my jumper off for years she gave up. I think it's because she cares.

I mean I have been told I have a cute baby face. It's a killer. People can hardly say no to me when I make my puppy dog eyes.

Except my foster parents. It never works on them and I don't know why. I don't use them often as I make sure I act perfect whilst in their presence. It makes them happier and they don't beat me as often.

I can't think for long as I'm pushed to my limits throughout the practice session.

The only reason I'm able to continue with my gymnastics is due to my job at the local diner. After I showcased my skills to Coach Anastasia when I first started working a year ago and could pay for lessons she took me under her wing and let me join the team. She then offered for me to teach the mini gymnasts on the weekend. That helped my funds.

It's so fun as they are all cute. It helps pay towards my future funds. I need something for when I turn 18 and am by myself. If my foster parents find this stash of money it's game over for me. It's the only thing that gives me hope to have a better life.

" You're getting better Alina. If we can just work on your momentum with weight training next session we'll be on track. You're progressing amazingly for the competition. Well done. Now are you sure you don't want a lift back? It's starting to get dark?" Coach says.

I have to hold back a squeal as she compliments me. It's a known thing within all the gymnasts that she is a very harsh but a successful coach. Compliments are almost never given.

I love compliments. I love people being proud of me.

The exception is me. I think she cares for me as it's obvious I don't have much. I'm also smaller and thinner that's the other kids no matter how hard I try to hide it. I also like to think I'm one of the hardest workers.

I refuse to not give 100% in everything I do. I'm the way I've been brought up you need to take as many opportunities as you can. The only way to get those opportunities is to try your hardest.

I politely decline Coach Anastasia's offer. I don't live far so it's not the biggest deal I don't take her ride. I feel bad when she offers. She lives on the other side of town so she would be going the wrong way to drop me home. I don't want to stress her out anymore. I can't even imagine how stressful it would be to have to teach kids all day everyday.

Before I leave she reminds me again of the competition coming up. My foster parents don't care what I do as long as I'm out of their way. I also have a list of chores to do before I leave for the day.

These are stuff like make food for them, clean and do some washing.

Luckily the comp coming up is only for one day so I won't cause a ruckus between me and my foster parents.

I really need to do this comp. Not only will it give me many opportunities but there a big cash prize. I can save some for myself and also give some to my foster parents. They might not be the best but everyone deserves a treat now and then.

Plus there's so much of the house that needs repairing.

I like to think I'm kind and fair.

Don't get me wrong I have much hatred for my foster parents which I something I don't have for many people but without them I could be on the streets.

Coach Anastasia doesn't know of my job in the diner. If she did I think she'd have a fit on how much work I do. Gymnastics plus school work, chores and diner work 4 days a week whilst trying to fit sleep into that is a hard and tough schedule. I don't need or want her to worry.

It's the main reason I don't take her lifts offers.

Although I'm willing to provide for myself I get angry now and then that I don't have any real parents that could support me through thick and thin.

I was apparently left on the doorstep of someone's house. They took me to a group home and I ended up with Emma and Jason as my guardians.

I want to know what it's like to be loved by my parents,

Have a support system,

Not have to worry about supporting myself and my future.

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I make my way to the diner. I may be 14 but local places are desperate for anyone so I was able to get the job.

I walk in and go get my uniform on. It's nothing special. Just a yellow shirt with a red apron and black bottoms.

As I walked out I saw some kids from school. It wasn't uncommon for them to be here most nights. It was a good hang out spot for many of the students.

I had 3 main friends but they were fairly introverted like me. I'd like to say I'm also known by everyone in the school. Everyone's friendly with me as I am with them.

None of my close friends are here tonight but it's not the worst. I take peoples orders whilst taking to my co-workers. They're also very sweet. They all think I'm a little puppy that needs training up. They all give me tips and gossip every time I work.

They are the best support I've ever had.

The chefs love me as well. They always give me a load of fries on my shift. I eat as much as I can but I can't each much due to not being fed regularly. I sometimes take them home so I can have something to eat the next day.

I think sometimes that I put too much pressure on the two adults. It must be hard to raise a child on the fund the government gives.

Although they could give me some kindness back. There's only so much I can give.

I chat with some people from school and am caught up in many different topics.

I was then approached by Josh who is the captain of the football team. He's actually quite shy which juxtaposes his captain position.

I'm friends with all of them and have had a good game with many of them.

"Hey Alina, we were wondering if you wanted to hang with us after your shift. I know it ends at 8." He asks.

"I'd love to-"

"Really!?" He replied shocked.

"Yes I would, but if you let me finish you'd know that I am not able to do tonight. I've got something on at home. Maybe next week?" I responded. I lied.

"Oh, um yeah sure next time. Definitely. Can't wait." He walks away back to his friends looking upset and rubbing his face.

His friends questioned him as soon as he came back to the table and stared me down looking annoyed and upset after he told them.

It's not the first time one of the boys has asked me to hang out with them. I've done it before but they try to hard to try and impress girls. It's embarrassing sometimes.

I couldn't do tonight. I had to cook food for Emma and Jason tonight. They have picked up on the habit that I return home for 8:15 and like eating at 9, so there's enough time for me to still cook them food.

When I don't have work I have time after school to chill with my friends. Mainly with Evan, Grace and Bella. They don't know about my home situation either. I don't want people to be caught up in my life drama and start treating me differently.

After a long night of work and eating my fries I go home or well the place I reside. There's nothing home like about it.

As I walk out I make sure to make eye contact with Josh and wave to him. I felt bad for rejecting his offer. His face lit up at my actions as he waved back and started talking to the boys again.

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I made my way home and saw through the window that Emma and Jason were watching TV in the living room. We lived in a pretty dangerous part of town. The house was very dirty and buts were falling apart.

It was small as well that's why my room consisted of a closet in the hallway upstairs. There was enough room for my pillow and mattress and the littlest of storage. There was enough space for my school bag and some books with my 6 outfits if they were folded on top of each other.

I ran up to put my bag in my room. I obviously made too much noise as when u returned downstairs I was met with a slap.

"Get cooking brat, we don't keep you for nothing. Season the food better this time" is all Jason said to me.

I sighed and went to work. It's a never ending cycle.

I went through the cupboards to see what we had. I decided to make bolognaise as the fridge had barely anything but beers.

I wasn't a natural at cooking but I was learning as I went on. I had cookbooks to off of so I wasn't clueless. I didn't have any electronics.

As the food was ready I saw the two were already at the table waiting for their food.

I set their food down and gave them both a beer.

I then stood in the corner of the room and watched them eat. Fortunately for me they didn't complain about the food so I was safe for now.

I was only allowed to eat their leftovers or stuff I stole from the kitchen without them noticing.

They ate it all and left. As soon as they left the room without saying a word I rushed to see if there was anything left.

I was left unsatisfied as there was nothing left. Sure the fries helped but I had done so much today I needed fuel. I couldn't steal anything right now either as the kitchen was connected to the living room.

Unhappily I went and washed the dishes. I was on the last plate when it slipped from my hands. It made a really big noise that made me start shaking. Jason absolutely hated any noise from me, and always punished me severely for it.

I knew what was coming.

His drunk self came in looking livid.

"You brat! Me and Emma are trying to watch our show and all you are doing is causing a ruckus! We did not take you in for you to be a burden. Now shut up!"

I suddenly felt a force in my stomach and heard a crack. I let out a little scream and realised my mistake a second too late.

I saw his face and then all I could feel was by body being beaten by his feet but only the places people won't see the injuries.

They're smart about the abuse.

It goes on for a while but I make sure to stay quiet so I don't anger him further.

He leaves after a while, and with tears in my eyes I crawl upstairs.

I'm pretty sure my ribs are broken. I go to the bathroom to check them and can see 2 lumps. I go to touch them and start bawling at the pain.

Yep, I think they are broken.

I wanted to have a shower tonight but that's not possible as I can hardly move.

You might be asking why I haven't told anyone about the abuse. Firstly Emma works as a cop. She's the only one who works out of the two. She has everyone on her side about how great she is for fostering a kid. Secondly, I don't want to go somewhere where I might be treated worse.

I've heard hellish stories do other foster homes and group homes.

I go into my school bag and grab my tub of painkillers and take 4 for the immense pain. I'm running low and will need to get some more soon.

I look at the damage on my body and have to stop myself from throwing up. I look disgusting.

My ribs poke out of my body. I'm black and blue. There's nothin to my arms and I hate how I look.

I go to bed crying about life and the pain of my injuries.

Why me? I'm kind to everyone. I've never cheated on a test, I've never been rude to anyone. Why did my parents not want me? What was so wrong with me?

I cry and hope for my life to change.

Little did I know how fast that wish came true.