"Diamond fires in your eyes searching endlessly."



19

Reign Gusev is my life. It's clear that it's no longer my own. I'm still trying to soak in the fact I have no other option, but to survive with such a possessive, psychotic, handsome, narcissistic man. Apart of me has already died when I saw Tommie laid stretch out with her dead eyes on mine. The clear images haunt me everyday, I won't be able to control my future breakdowns. I guarantee I will soon implode.

Why couldn't he just let me be? I will never ever do anything to experience almost drowning on a table or being hung over a cliff again. I was truly terrified. Every frightening thing he promised would happen, happened.

There's a voice inside me, relentless, taunting, as if I can't fully break free. No matter how numb or broken I become towards him, his touch still sends a jolt through my body, a shock that burns hotter than any drug ever could. I wonder if it's the danger that pulls me in, this power he holds over me—something no one else has, something no one could ever understand.

No one would dare to help me. This man will be my ruin, my complete self-destruction, and, somehow, I find myself accepting it, arms wide open to the chaos he will bring.

"My little sunshine," I whisper, my voice quivering with the weight of the words. "I dream of seeing your tiny face, melting over your baby scrunch, your little button nose, your chunky cheeks. I'm so sorry..." My voice breaks, the tears threatening to spill. "But your mom... I'm in a really bad place. I can't take care of you the way you deserve. But I want you to know, I loved you the moment I found out you were there, growing inside me, the little one I never thought I'd hold."

The sadness floods me, drowning me in a downpour of emotion, each word heavy with regret and loss. It's a rain that won't stop, and it's a weight I don't know how to carry.

I stood before a mirror gently rubbing my growing lower stomach— a tear fell to the crease of my nose.

I grew up somewhat a ghost in my own home, and to put the icing on the cake the only child. My mom did the best she could raising me, my dad broke her heart throughout their relationship, and for the last time when died during surgery.

I still remember that unforgettable night in the waiting room. The doctors rushed my dad to the OR, he had internal bleeding that erupted in his brain, to stop the bleed the only option was to take parts of his frontal lobe.

A human wouldn't see longevity in survival without it since it does control your movement and speech. My father shortly flat lined.

Moments later we got the devastating news. I didn't have time to react my mother had already collapsed on the floor hyperventilating. I saw her damaged and heartbroken for the last time...

My father's last words to me involved succeeding to lead in his footsteps. My story changed for a completely different direction—so has my biggest fears.

While I'm still able I know I'm deeply afraid of having this baby. If I see the end of this suffering I may eventually die at the hands of its father.

"Amina your bleeding!" I moderately heard Stassie's yell that shook me out my trance. I shakily reach out for the table to hold on. The fast trick of blood ran down my leg, I bent over in agony as my stomach begun cramping. My eyelids weighted shut.

•••

A dull pain underlying the numbness in my lower stomach. I awakened to my chest feeling heavy as if the air I'm breathing is thick. Every last thought of my previous moments in high definition. I know I've slept too long.

I scan the room noticing Stassie, Irina and Amaya standing around my bed chatting quietly amongst themselves. I'm laying with a IV attached to my arm, I want to know if I lost the baby.

Irina was first to look up at me, "She's up! look." I painfully swallowed holding their attention. Nobody said anything just looked at me with utter sorrow.

"Amina, how do you feel?" Amaya carefully asked. I stayed still, refocusing my vision on Irina. Why is she here?

She continues noticing my unspoken question,"the elders of the family are here. I'm not sure why, but as you know we will eventually find out. We were told once you awoke to ask for Reign."

I looked towards the ceiling in distress, I fought to push back my tears. All I wanted was to fall through the bed and into the floor. I don't know what he's thinking and that's the worst part of all this.

"Ami." That deep voice I've grown accustomed to hearing will forever give me an uneasy feeling. Reign entered the space radiating dominance, it was more than enough of a warning for everyone in here.

"Leave." He ordered the girls out the room. "Are you okay?" He stood by my bedside taking my cold hands into his.

I hoarsely responded truthfully, "For the moment." He kissed my hands then my finger tips, just for split second I grew warm.

"Good, I want you to hear what the doctors about to ask you."

I reset my vision onto the doctor, "Ms Gusev, it appears you're experiencing a miscarriage in your first trimester, first I would like to offer my condolences to the both of you." The tears I was trying to hold no longer stood a chance. I looked up at Reign plainly staring down at me.

"I was instructed by your husband to run a blood test and we found high doses of misoprostol in your bloodstream. They are high risk abortion pills. Does this sound familiar to you Ms Gusev?"

I felt the light crackle in my veins and time slowed down. Saliva grew in my mouth from my nervousness, my breathing changed. I stare ahead at nothing afraid to face the calm man beside me.

"Amina." I flinched turning to Reign. I looked into his slightly amused eyes sending apologies through my clouded ones. "Answer his question."

I shook my head refusing before crying out, "p-please don't hurt me." I whispered squeezing his hand in fear. He kissed my forehead once more before bending down to whisper so only I could hear him .

"You my princess are truly one of a kind. I unfortunately can't have you by my side. I will let them know you won't be able to join us, you rest now. We'll talk soon da?" Finishing he kissed my ear, my cheek, then my nose.

"R-Reign please I—," he walked away expressionless with the doctor. I watched the doors shut leaving me in thoughts and plenty tears.

•••

I heard the door opened then close, as I'm facing the window, "Amina are you awake?" I sunk deeper under sheets covering my mouth letting the rest of my tears silently fall.

"Stassie." I called out. "It's my fault what happened to Tommie. I never got to tell you I'm so sorry."

She walked over to sit on the chair closest to the bed, leaning forward resting her chin on her clasped hands.

"I lost a friend to violence, I finally got myself to stop crying about it. Please stop blaming yourself." Her voice broke.

"I-I don't think I can survive this anymore, I lost the baby." There was a silence after I told her. Stassie stared at me saddened yet mostly concerned.

"W-what do you mean, what are you—?" She managed to hold my gaze in disbelief shaking her head after I reached in the dresser pulling out a loaded firearm.

I leaned against the headboard holding the cold metal in the palm of my hands. I never seen a gun this close before, such dangerous piece of metal, this gun may have killed people.

"Amina?" She whispered pulling me out my small daydream. She's already crying, "don't do this okay I will—,"

I cut her sentence off, "I found this gun in the bathroom cabinets. I stared at it before hiding it in my shirt quickly putting in the draw. I figured Reign has tons of other weapons already so why would he need this one right?

...I'm not suicidal but I've thought about it other times in my life before. Before my dad died he would drown me into being this overachiever even when he wouldn't show up. My mom left me confused and still confused, and now I have Reign destroying my life. This is what the universe had planned for me a lifetime of hurting."

I felt Stassie reach out to put her hand on my leg, I struggled to take my eyes off the firearm, "Listen to me okay? You don't get to feel like you have to be strong at this moment. I bet you feel like your world is breaking into pieces, trust me I get it. I maybe the most cliche blonde but we are allowed to feel our emotions.

...Growing up with family members always reminding you to not let your family down, yes I understand. So I can't tell you this is what makes you stronger because it's complete bullshit. What happened to you was unfair Amina, I don't want to see you hurt yourself, I'm so sorry about your baby. But please just let me be your friend."

We dried our faces sniffling away the rest of our tears, "Good, now fucking put the gun away, are you insane?!"

And she's is back. A closed lip smile reached my face, happily I received one back.

"I would tell you about the family I met downstairs, but I'd rather sit here in silence with you for your sweet baby. So move over." I moved over in the bed for her to get under the covers, we both looked towards the ceiling in quietness.

•••