"Have you no idea that you're in too deep?"

28

The house was silent but if you could listen carefully, you could hear the echoing of all my fears. After the war I sat through being restrained, I could hear a ringing in my ears from the object against my skin. I'd quiver as my hormones bathed in cortisol. My muscles tense making painful knots.

Reign would isolate me, but for only so long. His attack confused me left traumatised enough so I didn't have energy left to think. My lungs filled with grief. Anguish. Misery. My mother's last words prior to the torment I held close.

She passed on like my last breath I inhaled. Truly I've been abandoned even with the attention of a psycho. I took anxiety & depression by the hand because I wanted them to know I understand, but can I rest now?

Hours would past by, I'd be still staring blank at the wall—I'd just sit here, feeling pathetic.

My brain used to be in this endless loop of asking myself why did this life choose me? It's not like I can gather my things and leave, call anyone, seek help?

I closed my eyes.

I slept for a day, woke up the next, got up when necessary, I slept for a day again. It felt right to sleep, because in another universe I got to be great, good enough to survive my own standards.

The truth is we all have good impulse control. There is harm to myself floating through my mind. Have you asked yourself why did you choose to go to school instead of running away from home to chase excitement? Possibly become addicted to drugs, sleep around for money, end up homeless.

Fuck everything. I just want to exist.

Exist meaning being in my own apartment wearing just lipstick. My life is one big play with a script and an audience. The never ending cycle of having to pick yourself back up again has become laughable.

Don't judge me, I'm grieving.

"Honey are you awake?" Amaya whispered rubbing my shoulder. I turned over to face her holding a chunky baby on her hip. I haven't seen her or baby Mila in a while it's good to see them. "Your mother, I'm so—,"

I raised my hand no longer wanting to hear anybody else feel sorry for me. I reached for baby girl sitting up on the bed. Amaya put her in my lap, I was preparing myself for her cries but surprisingly she let me in.

"Aren't you the sweetest baby." I said quietly laying my cheek against hers.

Mila's eyes searched mine when her tiny finger pointed at my nose. "Mi." She spoke.

Joy filled me, "yes baby I'm Mi." I pecked her finger.

Amaya smiled, "I'm happy you're okay, we have something for you downstairs. You should come look when you're ready." She kissed Mila on the cheek leaving her behind with me.

"Mila what is your mommy talking about?" I cooed, she just giggled at me.

I hesitated, still not quite ready to leave the bed. It took me about ten minutes to finally make my way out of the room, Mila carefully balanced on my hip. But once I reached the stairs and stepped into the backyard, my breath caught in my throat at the sight before me.

Tears blurred my vision. The garden was breathtaking, beautifully arranged with flowers—my mother's favorite kind. A table was set with breakfast, and the smell made my stomach growl with hunger.

"What do you think?" Stassie asked, gently taking Mila from my arms.

No one ever prepares you for moments like these—the kind that leave you trembling, haunted by the absence of the sun and the shadow of who you used to be.

"I-I." I stuttered still in shock.

"She loves it!" Amaya playfully cheered. They succeeded with putting a smile back on my face. I thanked them before walking over to touch the hydrangeas. My mother's comforting words played quietly, I embraced it.

"I'm sorry mom." I whispered to myself attempting not to cry all over again.

"You have a beautiful soul Amina don't let them take it." Amaya spoke from behind me.

"It's unfortunate everything is the way it is but I have to live with it now." I sighed.

Stassie and Amaya hugged me, squishing baby Mila in the middle. "Well we also have this pretty baby to keep us on our toes." I added making the girls laugh.

"Let's eat!" Stassie cheered.

•••

I was grateful that Amaya trusted me to babysit Mila for the rest of the day. Now, I sat in her nursery, gently rocking her for her nap. I couldn't help but admire her tiny features—the button nose, the soft roundness of her face. My heart ached, knowing what my own child could have looked like. Everyone I've ever loved seems to be in a better place, while I remain here, still fighting to survive another day.

I know no amount of healing will fix what I've been through. My nightmares are just my memories replayed, and I'm beyond terrified. I flinched at a sudden sting in my back, the pain instantly pulling me back into the torture I've endured.

No one tells you how trauma can turn you into a liar. Phrases like "I'm okay" and a simple smile become a mask, a band-aid over a broken leg. There's a darkness so deep inside me—an ocean where different versions of myself drowned a long time ago.

I guess it's true, pain changes you. But I'm still me—just a watered-down version.

With my back turned, I felt him before I saw him, standing in the doorway. I continued rocking Mila, blocking out his presence as best as I could.

"An image I don't want to forget," he said softly.

I shut my eyes, fighting back the tears. I didn't want to cry for him anymore.

His shoes clicked on the floor, and soon I felt his chest against my back, his hands settling on my hips. My heart raced as I felt his breath against my ear. Reign's presence, though familiar, seemed to disturb Mila's sleep when her brown eyes fluttered open.

He reached taking her out my arms, kissing her cheeks lifting her to his neck.

I only wish to skip to the part where I talk about how I figured all this out. All it took was one encounter for my whole life to turn into an impending doom.

I turn seeing him gently bounce baby Mila back to sleep in his toned arms. Those tattoos peaking out from his crisp white shirt, and a silver watch to match.

Reign's drooling features would nonstop trigger at my sexual intentions—even with an aching heart. I hate it. Plus the baby he's holding, I picture standing in the middle of a room naked with his eyes on me. I have to do better.

He moved to put the sleeping baby to bed, laying her to rest. Reign leaned over to watch her sleep.

He spoke, "They are precious when babies." His head turned to me. "Don't you think?"

I lowly clasped my hands together looking in his eye for the first time since that day. "Y-yes."

"Have you eaten?" I nodded. "How do you feel?" Now in front of me with his hands in his dress pants, Reign observed me.

I blinked feeling the pain rush me again, "I feel like s-sleeping."

"Da rest well princess, but not for too long I'm needed in Monaco and I don't want to leave you behind." He whispered.

Reign is gorgeous in a mysterious kind of way. Reckless, powerful, insane. I looked away fighting against getting lost in his eyes. My hands sweaty in each other, his lips against my cheek. One peck after the other till lips found mine.

I didn't want any more trouble.

"You're insufferable." I melted against his lips, he only smirked having his way with my mind. I grew hotter, my skin blistering with heat as I part my lips letting his tongue lick between mine. He puts a taste in my mouth like nectar. Sweet and addictive.

I tingle between the legs at his teasing movements. All of sudden he pulls back, taking my hand in his leading me out the room and into the one next door.

"Reign I-I need you to be soft with me." I blurted out taking a step back. "I-I know there is no way I can leave you, s-so I'm asking to please be patient with me."

He looked down at me, "Are you asking or telling me?"

I gulped holding his glare, "How does it sound?"

His thumb in my chin, "Like you want me to tie you up and choke you while I fuck you. How does that sound?"

My eyes widened yet I nodded. "Turn around." I did as instructed. Reign took off my oversized shirt, my bra following leaving me in my shorts, I felt him apply cream on my bruised back.

My lips clamp together as the sensation got tingly. Sweat tricks in the valley between my breasts I was nervous.

I felt his head dip down to my shoulder, slowly dragging his lips up the side of it without laying kisses. I notice him taking in my scent with my eyes shut.

"You've been through a lot Ami. You're unlike anyone I ever met, you're not hard to understand. Your father disappointed you and your mother abandoned you. We're more alike than you would like to admit. I'm not an easy man, I will never set out to be one, but I will forever protect you and give you a life you deserved a long time ago."

My eyes remain closed with a tear rolling off my cheek, "You've caused serious damage, and my everything's are gone. All I can hope for is one day you'll see a brighter side."

I didn't want to be sad a more, I have to let it all go for real this time.

His mouth on my ear, "What did I tell you Ami?" The panic started to quickly spread up my throat. His hands crept from my hips up my sides, and suddenly I couldn't breathe.

"I-I," I was a mumbling mess as Reign caressed my body with his breathes falling against my ear. One hand reaching around my neck, griping then releasing in a taunting motion.

"What is it hm?" Finally at my tits, he groped one in his palm.

My voice got shaky, "I'm not sure." I panted after he slaps my left breast. His kisses trail down my neck, my nipples grew hard as they were caught in between his fingers.

I'm suffocating, "I want you to fucking repeat after me."

"There is no rainbows and sunshine that I'm looking for." I shakily repeated it back, when another slap stung my left breast.

"Good girl." He kissed the corner of my mouth and more tingles aroused me between the legs.

"The next time I fuck you—," He breathed, voice gravelly as his hands massaged my upper body. Reign spun me around, keeping his sights on my flushed face. "You will listen and stare me in the eye as you come undone."

"I'm not going to ask how wet you are, it's pointless. Such sweet pussy comes with a leak." His voice comes out deep than before. I throb at his words.

My entire body in a heat wave. He kisses the hollow of my throat. "I want you at my mercy, your hunger is mine to feed." Reign bites the side of my neck, then a sweet kiss.

He cupped my cheek brushing it with his thumb, "Gorgeous devushka nyet? I hope you've grasp your situation. If you feel the need to defy me ever again, by all means do so, you know I won't stop you, but know I will enjoy fucking whipping sense back into you baby. You're my property."

Meeting his gaze head on, his eyes are talking enough without him having to say anything. Control burning in those dark eyes. I don't know what possessed me to reached out to touch the tent in his pants.

Reign caught my wrist, "Be careful Ami." He gritted. The sensation of his skin on mine in a warning way sends my heart racing, and a sudden urge of anxiety visits, but I flushed it down.

"Why? Are you thinking of killing me like you always promised?" I grip his cock through his pants. I raise up on my toes our noses grazing, my stomach tightening. "I don't believe you ever will."

A fast hand gripped my neck, "Yea and why is that?"

I felt his member move in my hand, "You need me too much."

Reign's lips part as his fingers twitch around my neck. He releases me letting my soul re enter my body. A knock at the door disturbs us but the stare off doesn't falter.

A voice spoke from behind the door, "Mr Gusev your driver has arrived."

We don't talk. There's nothing to say after it. His eyes raging with emotion, mine fall frantically. I have every reason to believe he never heard those words before, it strikes me that perhaps I broke a barrier.

For the first time since I've known him he cracked a genuine smile. It was small but it was there.

I blink twice letting my hands fall to my sides, "An-and I need you to repeat it."

His demons must be whispering in his ears. Reign's smile was gone and replaced with a hard glare.

"I'm needed tonight, but I'll send a car for you to join me." He swung open the door and left me standing half naked cold from his wind.

I need to say this, "You obviously want me around, yet you hurt me." He stopped in his steps his back still facing to me. "We're apparently surviving each other and that is the truth you cannot escape."

A trembling sigh left my lips. "Am I mind fucking you?" I reach for my shirt to put it back on. "Is that why you hurt me by killing the people around me? Am I that hard to figure out?"

With his head turned he mutters lowly as if he was hesitant, "Any power greater than mine is catastrophic. The world doesn't deserve a soul like yours, so I keep you here. You are far worse than a mind fuck Amina." I blink and he was gone.

•••