"I feel a little bit lost in here."



30

Past

"I saw him dancin' there by the record machine... I knew he musta been about seventeen." I sung sloppily on top of a bar table with a bottle of tequila in my hand. The place was packed with people for throwback night at this hole in the wall club not far from our campus.

"Amina your phone is going off!" My roommate Keya reaching to hand me my phone. "I think it's Archie!"

I ignored her shouting and dancing to Joan Jett & The black hearts 'I Love Rock 'N Roll'. I was a whirlwind of laughter and carefree abandon, my dress slowly rising up, oblivious to the cheers and laughter that erupted below me.

My movements were unsteady but exuberant as I swayed with the rhythm, the world around me didn't stand a chance as it blurred into a haze of sounds. I was a reckless twirling joy as the night was slipping away.

I sing, "Next we were movin' on, he was with me, yeah, me!" I chugged back the bottle feeling the crowd boost my energy. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror on the ceiling— a wild, carefree spirit, lost in the moment and the thrill of being alive.

For those few minutes, nothing else mattered; the world outside faded including my parents, leaving only the music, and the intoxicating freedom of dancing as if no one else is watching.

However, I was throwing my head from side to side when I caught sight of Archie watching me waiting for me to notice him, he nodded for me to follow him to the bathroom.

"Keya help me down!" I slurred rushing to get off the bar table to follow Archie, but I almost fall missing the step.

A random guy caught me, "Hey gorgeous." A leering smile spreading across his face.

"Your so wasted you should be more careful hm." The stranger grabbed my wrist, his grip firm and unwelcome, pulling me closer despite my startled expression.

"Let go of me." My voice shaky and intoxicated but mostly irritated.

"What's the matter? You weren't shy a minute ago." He chuckled obvlious to the discomfort in my eyes since his breathe was against my face.

I pull away and that's when Keya pushed him back shouting to let go of me, and a satisfying punch landed on the aggressors cheek knocking him into the surprised crowd. The sound echoed and the bar fell silent for a split second before erupting into chaos.

"Did you fucking touch her piece of shit?!" I looked at Archie lung to get on top of him repeatedly punching the drunk guy. Cheers and shouts rang out egging on the fight.

"Archie!" I reach to pull him away but Keya pulls me out the club, I drunkly continue to scream for him fighting to get to him.

"Amina his friends are there to help, you don't want to get in between a guys fight." People started making there way out the club. I run a hand through my hair then I saw Archie and his friends rush out the club— he was scanning the place searching for me I guess.

"Keya, he's over there I have to make sure he's okay." I mumble and she nods, so we help each other up walking over in their direction.

"Amina what the fuck!" He yells at me. He runs a hand through his hair, frustration etched on his face. The cool night air was thick with our tension as we stood outside the club.

"What did I do? You just punched a guy in the face." My face flush as I know my breathe reeked with alcohol, I couldn't deny the feeling of slight humiliation.

"Yes to defend your drunk ass." His voice was low but intense, as other people hurried past, stealing glances at our hudle scene.

"I don't remember asking for you to defend me!" I countered.

One of his friends Rogue tried to intervene, "Dude this is not the place for this, we need to leave."

We ignored him having a stare off with hatred and hurt drawn in our eyes, "You'll never learn Archie." The lights flickered overhead, casting erratic shadows on our faces, highlighting the hurt beneath our bravado.

"I didn't start this-this time. You know that." I scoff looking away feeling my intoxication fade. "He was aggressive with you I couldn't stand there and let it fucking happen!"

"And what did beating him half to death accomplish? You never think about the consequences, you always make it worse!" Frustration bubbling over.

He took a step closer, his voice lowering as he tried to calm our storm, "Worse? You think I want to keep getting into fights? I was trying to protect you but your to busy shaking your ass on some cheap bar letting those bastards look up your skirt! Do you have any idea what the fuck you look like?!"

I stepped closer, jabbing a finger at his chest, "So tell me! Tell me what do I look like hm? I wanna know!"

"Seems to me you already know, don't you love?" He carelessly shrugs walking away, but I follow him angrily into the street.

"You jerk! Fuck off!" I spat.

"No you fuck off!" He quickly turns shooting back, his voice rising again, "I took a fucking chance on you!"

"You took a chance on me?" I said in disbelief.

He angrily shouts, "You did this, not me! I watched you have your fun and do whatever the fuck you want, but you won't continue to do it with fucking me." Archie moves to walk away again but yet I follow him.

"So what you want to leave me because you can't keep your hands to yourself!" I yell to his back.

He stops to face me, "Your telling me I'm supposed to ignore some guy being a dick to you?"

"Maybe! Yes! Every time you do this bad things happen and you don't see how this affects me!" My voice cracks.

"Fuck you Amina, you want to cry and freak out every time you end up being the fucking damsel in distress. It's all bullshit!" His tone sharper than I ever heard before.

"I don't want to be the reason you end up in trouble or hurt. Can't you see that?"

His laugh was bitter, "You be the reason? When was you ever the reason?"

I furrowed my brows confused in the sudden change in tone. "W-what?"

He grins but a mix of hurt and anger laced in his eyes, "I don't know Amina maybe I enjoy the thrill of it all. Why would you ever think your the reason for it?"

He's trying to hurt me.

I shook my head with the hurt evident, "because somehow... I'm the start of it all."

He smiles going in his pocket for a cigarette lighting it, "You think to highly of yourself." He smokes it before moving to sit the stick between my lips, "Here, you'll need this more than me." He backs away from me.

"Archie stop! Just listen to me! You don't understand," my breathes come out shaky.

"You should of listened to your father Amina, your fucked up just like the rest of us!" He exclaimed.

My mouth gape open, "Fucked up? You want to talk about being fucked up!"

He mockingly smirks, "It's what I know best." He shrugs.

Before I could catch my words, "yeah that's right, you learned from your father, the biggest kind of fucked up.. His actions got the best of him, landed him right in prison, right Archie?"

And his face fell. My drunken words threw his secret back in his face.

Keya rushes to my side pulling me away, she whispers, "thats enough Amina. Let's go home."

I wipe my cheeks at the tears but they kept falling. In this moment, a dam had broke, I felt truly exposed and vulnerable.

"Fuck you, next time you need someone to rescue you from some strange asshole remember this moment, you didn't want my help or anybody's," He hissed before walking away, disappearing into the crowd of people.

I stood there in the aftermath, the air heavy with unresolved tension. The adrenaline and the alcohol that had fueled my anger now drained away, leaving a hollow ache in my chest. I ran a hand through my hair with my cheeks wet, smoking the cancer stick trying to collect my thoughts.

I took a deep pull thinking just how powerful is the tongue?



Present...

I compare my current moments to the waves in the ocean; the magnitude of how big or small the waves are changes constantly. The ocean can drown you or it can save you, so you eventually learn how to ride the waves.

But mostly you become the ocean, because once you take the power back, you can drown people or save them.

The ocean lives in a girls eyes, usually darkly hollowed filled with sadness at the rim, but she smiles... occasionally. Though she still mourns and cries at the screams from her past, but she snaps out of it realising she's almost about to drown— she's convinces herself somethings are just more important.

With the life I now have, my mind tends to drifts of to nice places. I fell in love with the water, I saw it differently from a young age. Being from Brazil I saw what living carefree looks like when the world isn't revolved around money. People these days are in a hurry to be someone, whereas that was me, but now I just want to solely exist as a normal being.

Some day I'll be near the water again, letting the salty waters wash away what I face today.

I awoke alone in my dress with a soft blanket keeping me warm. I laid with my cheek on my palm staring at nothing inperticular—the room is pitch black, it had to be after four AM.

As much as my mind ran, I always revert back to my mother. I miss her, my heart doesn't know how to cry for her properly. I'm not even sure if she made it out the fire, nor did I see her body. Something doesn't feel right about it—I'm struggling to mourn her.

I shut my eyes to doze off, but a agonyzing cry pulls me back. My heart pounds against my ribs as the screams got intensively worse, me laying in the complete darkness didn't help. I sat up moving to exit the room, the hallway is empty but the screams weren't silenced.

It's coming from the room I wrongfully walked in. I took my time to look through the half open door. Reign, Roscoe, and a stranger stood before a hyperventilating bleeding Polka—I swallow masking my fright.

"The screams worked brother, your pretty is awake." Roscoe grins with his head in my direction. "Don't be afraid sister in law, you can come in."

Yet, my feet were still glued to the ground. I didn't want to upset Reign by taking orders from another man.

He chuckles, "Oh she's gotten good."

Reign didn't nudge a bit, "Leave and take him with you."

Roscoe nods for the stranger to follow him out. I keep my head down as they walk out passing by me.

"You saw him didn't you?" Reign asks me nudging his head in Polka's direction with his hands in his pants pockets.

I remain froze, "I-I'm sorry?" He didn't ask me again only stares into the depth of my soul, I knew what it meant.

I clear my throat, "Yes I-I opened the wrong the door." He moves to light a blunt between those tattooed fingers, Reign exhaling the smoke into the tight room.

"Have you smoked before?" With slow moments, he looks over at me with the blunt resting between his lips.

I have during college but I wouldn't admit that.

I shook my head rubbing my palms together, "No." I whisper hoping that he doesn't notice my lie.

"Come here." he crooks a finger at me. I move towards him letting the scent of fresh blood and marijuana enter my nose causing me to wince.

I whisper, "Reign I think we should go home now."

He grips my chin, placing the blunt between my lips ignoring me. "Inhale slow," I follow his instructions. Tears threatening to spill again, I fought to keep them at bay, afaird of what would happen if I let the floodgates open.

"My men in my circle have choices." His hand covers my mouth, forbidding me to exhale, I grip onto his wrist watching him put the blunt to his lips.

"Follow my orders or go against them." When he speaks, his tone is captivating, drawing me in and commanding attention with every syllable, meanwhile I'm dying to breathe again.

My eyes widen at the burn against my throat he's making me swallow.

"Polka failed at fucking me over." For a man so adept at killing, his eyes were remarkably soft mentioning me.

"Every last one of my men knows what kind leader I am, but they never seen me with something so rare and delicate like you Ami. " He removes his hand off my mouth, I choke greedily taking in air.

"You are a gift placed in my hands so it's my duty to make you become apart of me or bad things will happen like people forgetting their place." He then leans down to whisper into my ear.

"My mother wants to take you away from me baby." I furrowed my brows confused. I look over his shoulder at the man on the brink of death, badly beaten with his chest carved out.

He pulls back smoking on the blunt. "Your not a damsel in distress, I'm not sure why my family thinks you need rescuing." He laughs.

"Well are you?" He raises a eyebrow at me curiously.

I hesitantly shook my head, "N-no."

"Say the words."

I tried blinking away the gates holding my tears, "I am not a d-damsel in distress." I croak.

Those words took me into a moment of my past, a dull ache radiating through my chest. Each breath was a reminder of the uncertainty that surrounded me, twisting my stomach into knots.

Memories flashed through my thoughts, each one a puzzle piece that didn't quite fit, leaving another hole in my heart. A single tear slipped down my cheek, another crack in my composure.

I wasn't paying attention to a cold metal object being given to me. I stood frozen, heart racing, my eyes wide as I stare at the gun in my hand. Fear happens in my chest threatening to overwhelm me. I knew what this is for.

I search his face for any hint of reason, my breath quickening as desperatation claws at me.

"Please." I manage to whisper, the word escaping my lips like a fragile plea. "I can't—,"

Gently, he reaches out, his thumb brushing softly against my cheek to wipe away the tears pooling beneath my eye, "Ssh it's okay. Just take the shot."

These tears felt like a silent testament to my pain, I didn't want to do this— I couldn't do it, but the intensity in his eyes was unmistakable, dark and unwavering, conveying a weight of emotions that words couldn't capture.

"Just look at me, and hold your arm up." He moves to make sure I held onto the gun correctly, then slowly raises my arm in Polka's direction, all while not breaking any eye contact.

Each tear drop felt heavy with my unspoken pain, a unrelenting cascade blurring my vision, I felt it trickle down my neck.

".....Next time you need someone to rescue you from some strange asshole remember this moment, you didn't want my help or anybody's...."

My tears spoke for me but Reign didn't know that, each one carrying a piece of my hurt. My relentless flow told a story of heartache, loss, and a desperate longing for relief.

"Pull the trigger Ami." He whispers against my face. There was a depth of emotion in his eyes— amusement, frustration, and something darker that made my heart race. Stirring a new found sense of a fear within me.

The room feels both too small and too vast, the walls closing in and the air feels intense. My tears feel unbidden, each one a release of the overwhelming emotions I couldn't control.

"Kill him." His voice so deep and resonant. "Kill him Ami." I tightly squeeze my eyes shut moving to pull the trigger.

I longed for someone to pull me from the depths of my endless sadness. All I feel is a profound sense of being lost in a world that seemed to keep moving forward without me. The echoes of my past hurts in my mind, a constant reminder of the pain that seem to follow me.

I'm trapped in a narrative I'm tired of playing.

I roughly push him back pointing the gun at his chest, my hand slightly shaking, my lip quivering with fear.

"You are the one who deserves this bullet." I clench my teeth. "I don't want this, you took everything from me!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

A glint in his eyes suggests that he thrives on the thrill of the unknown, as if he knew I would do this. It's a look that promised danger, an unspoken challenge.

"You have that look in your eye Ami." Reign stood nonchalant and unfazed. I keep the gun pointing at him as I slowly back away.

I've been waiting for this strength the ability to stand tall again, even if it will end up being temporarily.

"And you have that look in yours." It was the kind of look that hinted at secrets and desires kept hidden, a promise of chaos wrapped in a mystery of torture. Every instinct warned me to tread carefully.

"Every chance I get I will run away from you Reign. I will try no longer caring about the consequences." I cry out.

I backed up until I lost sight of his frame, but I stopped at the sound of his voice, "Make sure I don't catch you this time Amina." His accent sharper than I ever heard it.

Yet I still make a run for it.

•••