"Smiling through it all, yeah, that's my life."



35

Past

The door to my college apartment swings open, my heart drops as Archie steps into the room. I've been cleaning getting the place ready for my parents arrival.

I quickly put away all the cleaning products, "Archie w-what are you doing here?" He walks into the kitchen in his usual colour, dressed in all black—black oversized leather jacket, perfectly fitted with silver zippers just enough to suggest a quiet rebellion.

"To see you obviously, are you expecting someone else?" Archie's expression is often unreadable—there's a hint of a smirk on his lips, like he's always thinking about something only he knows. Archie is exactly the type of guy I've been trying to keep from my parents- tough, rebellious, and intensely unpredictable.

I nervously shake my head, "No- I," before I knew it he wraps a firm, commanding hand around my neck, bringing me to meet his lips, his tongue swipes mine, making me melt.

"You've been thinking about me, haven't you." His breathe was warm against my ear. I didn't answer, but my body reacted anyway.

There was a strange mix of fear and excitement fluttering in my stomach. This— whatever this was between us— was never simple.

"Have I ever mentioned how good your mouth tastes?" Amusement curves his lips as his hand squeezes my neck tighter. If brains could orgasm, then I'd just came. He kisses my lips, making a trail across my jaw down to bite the side of my neck.

"You can't stay away, can you?" He murmured, his voice low, dangerous. The kiss comes again, this time aggressive and unrestrained with a hunger that feels reckless.

"You came to my apartment, didn't you?" I giggle against his kissable lips.

"Fiesty," he bits my bottom lip. For a brief moment I forgot everything else.

I grip onto the bottom of his shirt biting my lip almost drawing blood. There was a knock at the door, I slightly push him back off instinct, timing couldn't be anymore worse.

"Archie wait in my room." I avoid his eyes slowly making my way to the door.

He had that daring look in his eye, he does the opposite by leaning against the kitchen frame unfazed, "What are you hiding baby?" His lips curling into a lazy smirk.

The knock happens again- I try to beg him with my eyes, usually it's very easy to convince him but he clearly wasn't having it today. I took a deep breathe, I guess today is the day. I open the door to see my parents waiting.

"Finally." My father grunts walking by me, but my mother had a huge smile on her face as she took my face in her hands kissing me all over happy to see me.

"And who the hell are you?" his voice sharp. I couldn't turn around just yet, I saw my mothers smile slowly fall.

"Mom I need you to be okay with this." I whispered knowing how understanding she could be, but in this moment I'm not so sure. I swallow hard, my gaze flickering between a stare off between my father and my boyfriend.

"This... this guy looks like trouble Amina."

"Dad you haven't even asked his name, just give him a chance.. please?" my voice timid and unsure.

My dad voice grew louder, "I don't need to know his damn name, I want to know why there's a strange man in this apartment I pay for!"

"Julian your acting crazy, relax please," my mom intervenes.

He ignores her, "and you've been keeping him a secret from us?" My fathers voice started to rise. My mom looks from Archie to me, her expression worries, but she stays quiet.

"And yet you still don't know why?" Archie pushes off the frame, taking a few bold steps towards my dad with no hesitation.

"You don't get to talk to me!" Neither one blinks, both of them locked in an intense stare down, their eyes in a silent battle.

I knew exactly where this is heading, "Archie stop."

His stare, it's full of challenge, daring my father to try him. His eyes are darker, intense, with a glint of defiance, but that's the thing he didn't care who the person was, and him knowing how my father is with me triggers his bad temper.

"Calm down Julian, Amina is responsible," my mother's attempt to pull my father back, but he pulls away.

"Back off Gabriella, our daughter is far from responsible, if she was she wouldn't be seen with someone like him," his voice is low at first, but it grows quickly into something sharp, biting.

"And who am I Julian?" Archie mocked my father, I can tell he's holding so much back. My heart begun to ache in the worst way.

"You think I don't see who you are? She's my daughter. You think I'll just be okay with you being here with her?" His words are laced with venom, and you can feel them cut through the air like a blade.

"I don't care what you think you're offering her," he continues, his eyes fixed on your boyfriend like he's a threat. "You're no one to her. You understand?"

Archie doesn't flinch. His jaw tightens, his hands balling into fists at his sides. His voice is steady, but there's a raw edge to it, a simmering intensity that betrays his calmness. "You don't fucking know me," he says, every word heavy with defiance.

He continued, "You don't know what I'm like. And you sure as hell don't get to decide what's best for her. She's not your property."

I can feel the tension between the two, "I've been protecting her-her whole life, I know exactly what your kind is," my father grits out.

Archie takes a step closer, the air between them crackling. "She's a fucking adult. She can make her own choices."

I stood there, caught in the middle, as two men I care about clash in a way that feels impossible to stop.

My dad looks at me with disappointment, "I don't know what the hell your think your doing down here, but you better be careful. I thought I taught you better," His gaze softens, but only for a moment, and then hardens again.

"You can't seriously be considering him, can you? Is this your guilty pleasure Amina, is this the kind of thing that excites you?" He mocked me.

My mother gasps.

Archie tries to push past me to get to my dad, "Please," my words quiet but firm, the kind of plea that cuts through the tension. I look at him, eyes wide and pleading, getting in the way.

"Calm down. This isn't helping anything," my voice cracked with the weight of everything I'm feeling—fear and desperation.

He didn't want to listen at first, his anger still simmering, but I soon catch his eyes, and something shifts—the depth of my concern. I saw him struggle with himself, that internal battle between the anger that's been building up and the part of him that didn't want to hurt me.

"Go wait for me in your car." I whispered, he still clenched his jaw hesitant, "Go."

"As soon as I get the feeling something is wrong I'm coming back." He brushed past my dad leaving, closing the door behind him.

"Gabriela why are you so calm about this? Have you know our daughter has been dating some hoodlum."

My mother was about to speak when I cut her off, "No she hasn't known, and stop talking about him like that."

His face tight in anger all over again, "You're really going to defend him against me?" His eyes narrowed into slits.

"Dad your overreacting. You don't even know him, you didn't even shake his hand or ask who he is." I fought to keep my eyes dry.

"He looks like a joke." He sneered, a tear falls out my eye, "Don't tell me you love him."

He laughs bitterly at my silence getting obvious answer. "God Amina you act so desperate, ever since you were little, always craving attention. You think you will find happiness with him? You don't even know what love is! All your going to get is nothing but heartache."

"Julian stop this!" My mother exclaimed stand between us.

"And who gave me my first heartache dad!" I yell. Each one of his words were like a slap to the face. "That's all you leave behind. You've hurt mom and now me, so you don't get to speak to me like that."

"I speak to you however I want, you are my daughter. I gave you everything so you can have a foreseeable future, not to entertain a boy while your here!"

"I will have a future." I cry feeling my heart break with every word. The room seemed to close in around me, suffocating me with his anger and disappointment.

"So for the likes of me I don't understand why a person like that could ever give you want you need." He scoffs, shaking his head like he can't believe it. "You think he's going to treat you like you deserve? He's going to use you and move on to the next girl the second you stop being convenient. And your to pathetic to realise it."

Pathetic?

Each word made me feel smaller, weaker, like I'm being crushed under the weight of his contempt. He's not just insulting Archie anymore— he's insulting his only kid.

The silence stretches, heavy and uncomfortable, and I want nothing more than to run away, to escape the look in his eyes that says he's lost faith in me.

"That's enough! outside!" My mother forcefully drags my dad out the door. She sees the tears falling and rushed to embrace me, whispering comforting words in her first language. She assured me she'll be back by herself, before going to speak with my 'father' outside.

I cried because the one person I thought would always be there for me is the one who has made me feel like I'm failing, like I'm still not enough. I cried because no matter how hard I tried, it's never going to be enough for him.

And as I stood there with the weight of my father's disapproval pressing in on me. Each sob is a silent plea, a desperate wish that in some way, things could be different.

•••

"Keya can you close the door behind me, I can't find my key anywhere, I have to go pick up you know who, he's drunk causing chaos at a bar." I half smiled as I rushed to leave at almost one in the morning.

"Yea sure." I went to leave when her question stopped me, "Can I ask you something really quick?" She asked from across the room.

I slowly shut the door stepping back inside, "Yeah of course."

Keya walked closer to me, "I don't want to be all in your personal business, but what is it about Archie that you keep going back to him? I-I mean you guys had a massive argument just last week, and now your going to rescue him, again."

I knew she was coming from a place of concern being that she is my roommate, and a witness to literally everything that goes on.

I huffed looking down at my fingers, there was a heavy pause as I try to collect my thoughts, I wanted to give her a accurate answer, one that made sense.

"Why do you keep going back to him?" The worry evident in her voice.

With a slight smile I take a seat on our soft couch, "Funny you ask, I was made to believe that there can be a different version of people. We all end up depressed in some other kind of way, but we always look for change, if that is in the next person or within our own lives, and so I guess he's mine. I'm clinging onto hope." I expressed.

She sits next to me, "Why hold on when you can let go?"

"Hope is powerful," I eventually said, my gaze distant. "It's what keeps us moving forward, even when everything else feels like it's falling apart."

I continued, but my voice dropped, as if I were speaking to myself now, "But then again it maybe fear. Because if I let go of hope, I let go of everything, everything I've been holding onto for so long — the memories, the dreams, the idea of a different outcome whether it's my family or Archie."

I finally met her eyes, a quiet understanding passing between us, "It's easier to dream."

"Wow, that is... You may be the strongest person I will ever know Amina Martin," a tight lip smile and her blurry eyes tugs on the strings of my heart, "I know your future is so bright, never forget it."

Our tears flowed for a while, but they weren't sad tears, it was a cry that didn't need words — just the quiet release of trying to hold it all together. We sat in a comfortable silence, our tears had slowed, and the previous words from our conversation still lingered in our hearts, there was peace in simply being just still.

I chuckled, "Was this apart of your plan Keya? Get me emotional to the point I can no longer move?"

I felt her smirk, "Maybe, but I really did want to know."

"Thank you." I whispered as we bumped fists. Archie can take care of himself tonight.

•••

The next morning I walked over to Archie's apartment, only to find his car not parked outside. I knocked for a while on his door, eager to see if he came home last night, but no one was home. I checked with the guys he normally hands out with, we all live in close range in the same area.

"Who is it?" A voice yells from behind the closed door.

"Amina." Rogue opened the door, his eyes still carrying that glazed look of last night's excess. "I'm looking for Archie."

"Hey," he looks me up and down greeting me with a drunken smile, his voice thick with the remnants of alcohol. "He's not back yet, but you can wait inside if you want. Might be a while."

My chest tightened. "I'm not sure... I should've just called him. He's probably just—"

"drunk somewhere," Rogue finished for me, his lips curling into a half-smirk.

I swallowed remembering the last time I was in this apartment. I was incredibly drunk and Archie was high on marijuana, probably the best night I ever had. It was a laid back gathering with a few of people, they didn't want to draw attention to what went on inside.

I stepped inside, immediately hit with the oppressive air of yesterday's mistakes. The house was dark, the blinds drawn against the early light. I walk down the hallway and into the open space, bottles and red solo cups littered everywhere.

"Have a seat if you want." I did, remembering me and Archie making out on this couch. A second guy came from around the corner, completing ignoring that I was here, which was fine by me. The less I had to talk the better.

I glanced at the clock on the wall, the minutes stretching long in the quiet, it's been about half an hour. My thoughts raced, filling the space around me with doubt. I started to give up.

"Rogue I'm sorry, if he come's by tell him I was here, I'll just let myself out," I walked towards the door.

"You got it pretty lady!" I shut the door behind me jogging down the stairs. A white car was pulling in, receiving my attention, I slowly walked down the rest of the steps, and I saw him step out of the passenger side of this random girls car. His back was turned, and I watched, as he leaned over to close the passenger door.

It was so casual, so normal.

I had been searching for him, and for a long moment, I just stood there, breathing in the morning air, trying to steady my racing thoughts. This girl, stepping out of the car with a smile on her face I couldn't understand. She wasn't anyone I knew, yet there she was, laughing as she leaned against the drivers door.

My stomach churned, I waited for him to notice me. Archie looked at her one last time, gave her a smile, and started to turn, to walk away.

And that's when he saw me.

His face fell. A look of guilt as he slowly walks towards me. I couldn't even find it in me to cry, "I've been looking for you. Idiot."

His mouth opened, then closed again, "fuck!" he ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

"I thought someone called you last night," he asks looking off to the side.

I nod with my arms folded, "I fell asleep." he sighed, "It was almost three AM Archie."

He reaches for a hug, I step back dodging it, "exactly! All I got was a ride home."

"Just to come back the next day?" I countered agitated.

"Amina, you I-,"

"Quite frankly, I don't care about what I should know." My mind had already painted the picture, and no amount of his words could erase it.

His voice got louder, "It was only a ride home, I got shitfaced after our last argument about your fucking dad!"

We couldn't look away from each other until the random spoke, "Archie I'm leaving, seems you have things to figure out," and she backs out pulling off.

"I didn't do anything," he said, his voice low, but the words hung in the air between us like a promise he wasn't allowed to keep. "She just... a friend."

"So explain!" I yell stomping my foot, "Matter a fact, save it. It's too early." I turned on my heel and walked away. I didn't want to see the apology forming on his lips, the defence he was already preparing.

"Amina.. fuck! Wait!" He speed walk after me. "I needed a ride home and I crashed for the night. You didn't come to pick me up, Rogue had already left."

I faced him, "So now it's my fault?"

"What? No.. that's not what I'm..." He lowered his voice, "That's not what I'm saying at all baby."

"I have to study." I walk around him heading for my apartment building.

"Fuck! Why can't you listen?" I heard him say to himself.

Suddenly a burst of anger lit itself throughout me, I rushed to get in his face, "Because you think I'm some push over, who will always take your word for it, but I'm not stupid Archie."

He muttered, "Can we discuss this later, I need sleep." I clenched my jaw watching him walk up to Rogue's apartment.

I follow him. I ran up the steps almost out of breathe, "You left with some girl and she didn't even take you home." he ignored me walking into the house, he sat on the couch with Rogue.

"Understand I will always crave you, but I crave your silence even more now that I have a headache- please be quiet." His voice low as he reached for a cigarette.

I gape in disbelief.

Rogue laughs, "Bro you spent the night at the bartenders house," I wonder how pink my cheeks are from the obvious humiliation.

"Shut the fuck up Rogue." He angrily spits.

Of course she's the bartender.

I stood in front of him, "Are you seriously just going to sit there? I saw you leave out a girls car the next day. How many times are you going to lie to me?!"

He licks his lips, and guilt pours through his eyes at the silence that feel in the room. I can feel the cracks of my heart inside my chest, my tense shoulders begun to fall.

"It was only one kiss, I passed out before anything else happened." I chewed on my bottom lip, rubbing my chin. Rogue eyes went wide before making an exit for the next room.

I scoff looking at him, "Go fuck yourself," the sting of betrayal sinking deep.

"You go fuck yourself. And let me watch." he mutters without a care. He wanted to be a asshole to me, after I caught him? I turned to leave, but he stands up to pull me into his arms. I tried pushing him off, and it only sent both of us back on the couch, making me straddle him.

I fought to get out his embrace. "Let go of me!"

He wrapped both arms around me, I turn my head refusing to look at him, but I think I made it worse. He spoke lowly into my ear, "Fucking listen to me, there is no else, you mean everything to me." I look straight ahead feeling his warm breath on my ear. "I almost threw up after she kissed me, she wasn't you."

"I-I disappointed my f-father for this?" I spoke to myself.

I swallow my tears, "Archie let go of me." my voice firm but still broken. "I need to go."

He sighed putting his face in my neck, "Promise me, I can see you later first."

I shook my head reframing from looking into his eyes, "I- Can't."

He kissed my neck once, sending unwanted shivers through my body, "Promise me."

I nod my head, only to get him to let me go, "Please answer my call later," I got out his lap aiming for the front door.

TBC