chapter seventeen

' what is a monstrum and a monster?'

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I guess you could call me crazy for liking their presence.

but could anyone really blame me ? We hadn't had anyone hold me like they did in my entire life. I had never been brought to museums even though the people brining me hated it only to see to me smile. I had never been kissed so passionately. or touched so sinfully good.

qi had never been called princess, little one, darling, love or any other nicknames by anyone.

I was unfamiliar with it all.

but without the four Salvador brothers I was alone. was I really to blame for not wanting to be on my own? surely I had jill and Vanessa but I still them here. they visited every now and then. but we weren't exceptionally close. we never had been.

so of course I enjoyed their touch, their sweet words, their soft gestures. the cold glares everyone but me got- how could I not?

I was only a nineteen year old girl- I was only just a girl.

I wasn't supposed to know it all and chose what was the healthy option for me and my sanity. I was supposed to make mistakes and screw up. perhaps not like this but still. it wasn't like a choice either and it seemed easier to just accept the fact that this was my life now.

my sister suddenly back and working for the four men who had kidnapped me.

me being cooped up in an penthouse most of the day until the Salvador's came home and took me to fancy places and extravagant restaurants.

I was nineteen for god sake! what could I do to stop my fate even if I wanted too?! absolutely nothing !

so yes I enjoyed it. their touch, their stolen glances, their kisses, their presence, their looks, their words, their voices, yet it loved it all!

but I was nineteen and alone before them.

I would accepted any love given to me, even if it had been hitting and screaming all the time I would still appreciated it.

but it wasn't.

not with them.

and it made it so hard to hate them.

I knew they were bad people, I knew the rumors, I knew who they were. killers, monsters, mafia men. but they were good to me. they didn't scream at me, or throw things at the walls whenever I did a minor thing wrong.

they cared.

call me naive and stupid for liking them.

but I did.

I liked it now laying on Alexandros chest his arms wrapped around me. I liked the small patterns drawn on my bare skin his thumb traced.

I liked how my hair was braided into a beautiful braid made by Dante.

I liked how I could hear Dominic cooking dinner in the kitchen, I liked how I knew if I went upstairs now and into my art room / the library I would find Lorenzo reading in there with Dante were they would both glance at my art every now and then.

I loved the fact that I mattered to someone. was that really so horrible?

to want that?

to want to matter? beyond just having a place in society like a doctor or a teacher, but to matter to someone specific. someone who would sacrifice their lives for you.

it was selfish I knew.

because I wanted them to sacrifice the entire world for me. like a villain would for his lover. I wanted that. I wanted them despite the knowledge that they had killed people! tortured them! done horrible unforgivable things.

and still could not mutter the words ' I like you' to them.

or even anything of the sort.

and they didn't care which made me feel so much worse. they should be shouting and screaming at me telling I don't love them, and manipulating me, hurting me and yet they so damn calm about it! it made me feel guilty.

I was nineteen I didn't I understand why.

I just knew it was wrong.

''' what's the matter principessa ?'' Alessandro asked his Italian accent thick considering he just woken up.

I looked up into his deep brown eyes. him and Lorenzo both had practically black eyes. dark as the night sky and yet every time they looked at me I saw them shine like tiny stars. why was I so special? I keep thinking.

I was only a girl with no past worth remembering and ordinary looks. I was ordinary.

'' nothing'' I lied. how could I possible describe the tumor of thoughts my own mind couldn't even get under control? that was the issue I had so many words in my head so many thoughts, but how on earth would I ever speak them out loud without sounding absolutely mad.

'' I don't like it when you lie to me princess'' he said softly sitting up still holding me up though I was now straddling his lap his fingers brushing some strands of hair out of my face.

'' I was just thinking '' I assured him. that much was at least true. I was thinking so much. so much it made my head begin to spin. I wanted to cling to the bastard before me.

the monster who had kidnaped me, stolen me away from home, with his brothers to make me 'theirs'

like hades did with Persephone only she had only had one kidnapper I had four.

and then again was a monster such a bad thing truly ?

people had called medusa a monster too, lucifer was a monster too wasn't he ? even though he had done nothing but fall from grace, and wasn't eve considered monstrous too even though she was fooled?

perhaps a monster wasn't the worst thing to be. from the Latin word monstrum. a divine message of catastrophe. like a hybrid of signals.

both a shelter from pain of suffering. from the darkness of the world.

and a maturing beast with no ends of cruelty.

wasn't a lover wielding a sword to keep his love safe a monster too? if he cut off a mans head for threatening his love? wasn't he too a monstrous being?

or if the other way around the woman cut of a mans head for touching her wasn't she a monster too? or just someone protecting themself from pain and suffering.

'' what were you thinking off ?'' Alessandro asked seemingly interested. something I couldn't understand why he would be.

I was just another girl to him. he was a Greek god, or at least sculpted by them, and everywhere we went women fawned over the four of them, I was no where near their league.

'' tell me what's going on in that pretty little head of yours'' he softly spoke making my breath hitch in my throat.

'' I don't know how to explain my thoughts-'' I tried to explain to him but he seemed unbothered.

'' spill our random words and sentences I'll stich it together don't worry'' he assured.

my eyes closed as I rested my forehead against his feeling a strange warmth coating my fragile human heart. '' monsters, gods, beauty, life, love, everything in between, you, Dante, Enzo, Nic, art'' I listed quietly as I heard a low chuckle escaping his lips.

oh god why did that sound make me feel so many things. from wet between my legs, to butterflies in my stomach to my heart fluttering skipping a beat.

'' you think a lot principessa, I love that about you, it makes you special and unique'' he complimented.

I didn't like my train of thoughts. I thought to much to hard. I created worries that wasn't supposed to be there. and I thought of possibilities and dreams that was not possible. I hurt myself with my own mind.

creating scenarios and ideas which ruined me form the inside out.

perhaps it had my mind who had played a cruel joke on me by liking the Salvador brothers. perhaps that was it.

how could I like something that was destroying me?

that was telling me horrible things, how could I love such a mind of mine if it was one bringing back the past I was so desperately trying to flee from? how could I love that?

how could he?

how could anyone?

why me?

why them?

why?

why?!

why?!

WHY?!

I was just a nineteen year old girl wanting to do something in life, who wanted to be someone other than a rich politicians daughter and a cruel woman's child.

was this really all my suffering had brought me ?

how cruel.

cruelty at its best I suppose.

why?

just why?