I lean back in my chair, leg draped over my knee as I prop my chin up on my hand and struggle to keep my eyes open.

I hadn't gotten a full night sleep in too long and while I spent my nights lying awake in Daella's bed and having her beside me it didn't stop the nightmares or the fear or the constant burning anger.

Even when I was with Daella it was still there, simmering in the back ground, she helped shift the focus, helped distract me from the fire, but it was still there, as it always has been. But now it burned brighter and hotter than it ever had before and I knew only one thing could temper it. Revenge.

"So, we all understand that we cannot agree to king Callin's demands, that the treaty we have with the humans must remain in place and the women from the last offering will remain here in the palace." Varis says, his voice grating on the small amount of resolve I had left.

Of course he didn't want to return the women, of course he didn't want to break the treaty, it was all his idea in the first place. He didn't want all his hard work to be forgotten and lost over time.

Demwyn sighs, the crown on his head, fathers crown, the kings crown, rests comfortably and while I had agreed to his terms and our so called grudge had come to an end there was still a distance between us.

"Yes we understand that for now the treaty will remain in place, but that does not mean that in the future it cannot be changed. After the humans rebellion and siding with Nievenyth our agreement with them will need to be looked over and again and altered." He says sternly and I hold back an eye roll.

Of course he would want to change the treaty but would it do us any good, would it do the humans any good, would it make any difference to the human women who are offered to us by their people and bought here without their consent to be given new lives? I doubt it.

"So we refuse Callin's demands which means we should be focussing on preparing for war. Father had already put the plan into motion, our allies have made contact and are preparing to send aid to meet us." Alvaryn says leaning forward in his seat. "Demwyn, you will of course be staying behind to rule so you will need to name a new general to lead the armies."

"I'm General of the armies, my place is leading them on the battlefield. I won't stay here while you all go out and fight." Demwyn replies quickly, his eyes hard and defensive.

Of course he wouldn't want to stay here, he wanted to be on the field slaughtering hundreds and leading his men as he has been trained to do. But things were not as they once were and while he wore that crown so comfortably it meant he could not have everything he wanted. I fight to hide the smirk from my face.

"You know there must always be a crown at Wyndelle, you have no heir, when father became King he stopped fighting until you were born. You need to stay here." Alvaryn replies calmly. I watch as the realisation settles on Demwyn's face and it's satisfying to see.

"This is different, this is revenge for the murder of our parents, I deserve to be there." Demwyn replies growing more restless and bitter by the moment.

I let out an exhausted sigh.

"What would happen if we all die?" I ask quietly, watching as he turns to me. "What would happen to our Kingdom, to everything Father and Mother built together if none of us return? It would be left for the vultures to claim and our people would suffer for it. You need to stay here just as Father stayed when he was King, at least until you secure an heir. The reason for the war makes no difference, the law is the law." I say simply, watching as he struggles to accept the truth. There was no way around it, no way to change it, it was a law as old as Wyndelle itself.

He stares at the table in front of him, mouth set in an angry line and eyes hard and resentful.

Finally he lets out an angry sigh. "Very well, if that is the way it must be, I will name Alvaryn as General, and Aeris you will be his second in command."

I pause at his announcement, while there was no doubt he would name Alvaryn as General I am surprised he named me as second. I was fine with being a commander, having a battalion to lead and look after was one thing, but being second over an entire army, could I do that? Could I accept that kind of responsibility?

"Thank you for the honour, I accept my role as General." Alvaryn says with a nod, his hands clasped in front of him on the table.

I can feel the others around the table looking at me, their eyes studying me, waiting for my acceptance. What was I supposed to do? Just accept without knowing if I was ready for the task? Would I even be any good at being second in command? What if something happened to Alvaryn and I was left to lead? I couldn't do that. I could barely take care of myself let alone an entire army all hanging off my every word and command.

"While I am thankful for your consideration brother," I begin carefully knowing that I had agreed to stand with him and I couldn't go back on my word now, not with everything I wanted at stake. "Are you sure I am your best choice for second in command?"

Demwyn looks at me with a confused expression but I keep myself positioned as before, leaning on one arm, leg folded over the other, the picture of ease while internally I feel like I might combust at any moment.

"Of course, why wouldn't I select you to second in command? You are already a commander in the army, you are a crown prince of the kingdom, it only makes sense that you take Alvaryn's place and become his second." He replies simply and while I can understand his answer and reason for doing so I still have my doubts.

"Very well, thank you for the honour, I accept my role as second in command." I say with a small nod.

I feel the weight of my acceptance settle over me and already it feels like too much. I didn't want to be second in command, I didn't even want to be third in command. Being in command of a single battalion was different, it usually consisted of a small team, a team of men that knew what they were walking into and didn't need someone to hold their hands and walk them through every step.

This was something else entirely.

I was known for being reckless on the battlefield, having no limits to my magic and burning rage and anger it was an experience like no other. But things were different now. I couldn't be reckless, I didn't want to be reckless. I wanted to make sure I came home. I wanted to make sure I am able to live the future I dreamed about, the one that got me through my darkest times.

For the first time I can remember I feel a deep dread fill me as I think about the upcoming battle. It is unnerving and unsettling. While I always knew that there were risks in my past battles they never lingered, they never seemed real, I had always felt somewhat invincible when I stood by my brothers or fought by our men.

This feeling of dread and fear was dark and ugly and seeped into every part of me filling me with thoughts and images and dark futures I didn't want to imagine.

Is this what it truly means to love someone? To be terrified of losing them? It was suffocating and heart wrenching and I hated it. I hated how it moved inside of me like it was making itself at home.

I had never felt this level of fear before. What if something happened to me and I never saw Daella again? What if I didn't get to come home to her? What if we never got our future together?

Gods all the questions and fears kept filling my every thought until I am drowning in them.

"Aeris?" I blink, gasping softly as I feel Alvaryn shake my shoulder beside me.

"Sorry, what were you saying?" I ask softly, trying to shove the violent and terrifying thoughts from my mind and focus on the room.

"We were discussing plans for the attack." He says studying me closely, always able to discern more than most I know he would have questions later but I do my best to sit a littler straighter as I clear my throat.

"Go ahead." I say, trying to insert false confidence where I could find none.

I listen as the other men around the room discuss their plans, speaking about those who were coming to our aid and where we were going to meet them.

They speak of horses and weapons, training and tactics. A map is rolled out on the table and plans are put into place as small pieces are placed on the map representing the different kingdoms.

I stare at Wyndelle on the map, it was one of the largest kingdoms, it was my home, it was my father's home, and his fathers before him. Then I find Nievenyth on the map, buried against the cold ice mountains of the North West and home of the dark forests.

Two Kingdoms that had existed for centuries and stood against the test of time.

Two Kingdoms that could not be more different from each other.

There was no doubt that this war needed to happen. Arden and Callin needed to pay and suffer for what they did. They would need to be stripped of their right to rule. When I had thought about it before it had filled me with hope and justice and want, the desire to watch them suffer, the knowledge that justice had been served, knowing that once it was done they would never be able to hurt anyone again.

Now it was different. I didn't want to think about the dark side of all of it. I only wanted to see the good, to see the end picture where we won and they lost and everything I planned and thought about would come to be.

While I could still see that future, there was the fear blocking them out, shoving images of them winning, of us losing, of falling in battle, of Daella being left alone. Gods what would happen to her if neither of us returned?

Why does fear have to be so smothering and overpowering?

Is this how most people live?

Is this fear just something that I will have to live with?

I couldn't accept that. I could condemn myself to endless days of depressing thoughts and the slowly overwhelming urge to just give up.

I wouldn't give up. There was no alternative. Fear was just a feeling and feelings could be changed, they could be controlled.

Yes I was afraid, afraid of losing, afraid of dying, afraid of not keeping my promise to Daella. But I wouldn't let that fear stop me, I had faced death so many times before and I would face it again.

I would use that fear, feed it to the flames inside of me until it only fuelled my need for revenge and justice, until it helped make my future dream a reality.

I could live with the fear.

WhatI could not live with is losing.