' a first kiss '







carmens pov.



i wonder if perhaps this is the curse of girlhood. this fear.

is it because im a sinner destined for hell and a horrible person with no morals to bend in the first place, because im broken beyond repair so i tend to break others in an ugly attempt to fix myself.

or is it simply because i was born a girl not a boy.

i know if i had been a boy i wouldn't be here right now. i wouldn't be this scared. i wouldnt be shaking or terrified. if i was a boy i would be somewhere marvelous instead i was in bed alone among shuffled sheets.

my worst nightmare.

or well one of them.

and then i turned and my fear faded. crazy right? there as promised where santos peacefully sleeping looking like an fallen angel. what a sight.

and suddenly i was glad i wasnt a boy, a boy wouldn't be laying in these sheets with a godsend man.

or rather a man whom god had banned from all holy things.

the shower was running i realized now. i had been to tired to realize i wasn't alone when i woke up. but i wasn't alone.

i had nothing to fear as long as i wasn't alone.

what could harm me if i had two beasts by my side? what other than themselves could be a threat to me?

my hand reached out to stroke santos cheek mesmerized by his almost immortal looks. for someone who had an age he looked ageless. in the sense you could tell he was an adult and that he was powerful, but you doubted he was human.

perhaps god of some sort, but he nor nicolas appeared human.

they were too perfect to fit the part. '' goodmorning doll'' santos said through a hoarse morning voice his arm wrapping around my waist pulling me close making me yelp in the process while he just kissed my forehead grinning at me.

'' morning'' i replied trying to slow my heartbeat down just a friction.

santos smirked as he flipped us over so he was hovering above me his hands on either side of my head '' such a pretty little doll'' he whispered still grinning down at me like i was his next meal.

i wouldn't mind if i was.

'' mind if i have a taste?'' he whispered but before i could reply his lips were on mine in a rough, almost desperate kiss. he bit down on my lip causing me to gasp and allowing him entrance his tongue exploring every part of my mouth until he was satisfied with the way i was on the edge of becoming a moaning mess. '' you taste like cinnamon '' he stated almost as if he was mesmerized.

i couldn't form a sentence so i just gaped at him, breathless.

should i tell him that, that was my first kiss. realisation hit me like a brick. my first orgasm was given to nicolas and now my first kiss was given to santos.

he sat up pulling me onto his lap starring down at me almost confused before his eyes widened. '' fuck was that your first-'' he looked regretful.

great. just great. ''wow, i think i'll leave now '' i said covering the hurt up with bitterness.

'' no carmen it wasn't like that'' he began but it was like that.

i was a broken toy that had no skills he could use. '' i get it you dont do inexperienced girls, its fine, i should've known'' i said getting off of him hearing him call out after me as i grabbed a random hoodie laying on the kitchen counter throwin it on seeing as it reached my thighs i figured it would be fine.

fuck the marino brothers.

and fuck me for being so god damn naive again.





***





my body felt clammy and dirty. a feeling i never hoped to feel again.

but i did.

i felt like i was covered parasites trying to eat away my skin and in the meantime where my muscles on fire from the running i was doing.

i had stopped by home changin into shorts and a t-shirt grabbing my headphones and phone before heading straight out again.

my music was loud and i was almost sure the people i ran past which was not a lot of people but still, could all hear my music.

and elder woman shot me a dirty look. fucking old people always fucking judging others.

gosh i couldnt even tell if it was because i was latino, or because i was hearing loud music or because i was wearing shorts instead of fucking long as tights in the fucking summer weather. but either way i hated her for it.

i sat down at the cafe trying to shake of the negativity.

the coraline girl was working again. she was nice so i was actually relieved it was her working today and not some bitchy as worker.

i would've snapped. '' oh hallo carmen'' she greeted softly waving at me as i jumped onto one of the chairs at the counter. '' black coffee please'' i told her.

'' how pleasant you sound today carmen, almost like your happier than that girl over there'' she pointed to a blondie outside squealing jumping into the arms of a boy who looked a mixture between embarrassed and horrified. '' i feel more like the boy '' i commented though i knew her comment was sarcastic.

she chuckled sliding me my coffee. '' for someone who is known to be as rude as they come you seem to be nice today'' she said almost curiously.

she was wiping of the counter and we were alone in the shop.

so i took the opportunity to not be alone with no one to talk to. beside coraline was nice. nicer than most, perhaps i could make a friend out of her- no nevermind. she properly didn't do friends like me.

i was too fuckied up. but i could try to be her friend right?

'' your nice to me im nice to you'' i said with a shrug sipping my coffee, it was a nice coffee. a good one.

she smiled as the bell to the door chimed and two familiar men entered. i cursed under my breath as i looked away and up at caroline who looked curious and partly worried. '' you know them ?'' she asked seeing my discomfort properly.

i shrugged feeling anger surging through me. '' princess -'' nicolas began.

'' i think you should leave, she doesn't look like she appreciate you being here'' coraline spoke up surprising us all. she stood up for me.

i snapped my head towards her as she looked calm as ever surprisingly enough seeing as nicolas and santos was both huge and could easily crush her and me in a heartbeat. '' i think she can decide for herself-'' santos eyes narrowed at her nametag '' coraline'' he spat venomously.

no i just made a new friend he didn't get to ruin it. he already fucked up once. '' fuck off you want to apologise atleast make it worth my time'' i gritted out watching as nicolas tugged santos out of the cafe while santos looked ready to pull me over his lap and spank me till i was blue and black, or kill me.

'' thank you'' i whispered to coraline. '' i couldn't- not yet i just need a little time-'' she cut me off with a comforting smile.

'' its girl code carmen, no need to thank me'' she assured before handing me a little piece of paper '' you and i should hang out some day, i think we both could use some socializing don't you think?'' she suggested and i couldn't help but to agree.

'' now shoo i have work to do and your drama is not helping me cleaning this place'' she added with a teasing smile. '' oh and remember to make them beg'' she added with a smirk.

i huffed they didn't even want me in the first place so there were no use making them beg.

they were lost goods i could've had if i hadn't been so damn virgin.

fuck it. they wanted someone who had tried it all i was going to try it all, that way there were nothing they could complain about.

they could be mine. and now that i had a taste of what it felt like to wake up in someones arms, someone who wasnt family, someone who could be yours. someone who could care for you love you.

i was addicted.

i needed more, and i was nothing if not obsessive when i wanted something- if not the marino brothers then the feeling they brought me.

i would have it one way or another no matter the cost.