' the end? '









i could carve my own heart out my chest and hope if i handed it to the loves of my life as i was sure they were.

they syrely had ruined me for anyone but them after all. and if they thought i would ever leave they were foolish as much as i hated my biological mother i could not lie and say i was not as crazy she was.

as fucked up.

and even worse after she dug her claws into so deep the scars still fresh on my skin.

if they thought i would ever let them love or fuck or cherish another girl, hah, i would lock them up, beutiful creations truely but if they thought after ruining me like this so i could never love another man, i could never feel pleasure if not by their hands.

if they thought i would let them leave.

oh they were in a suprise.

perhaps i would paralyse the girl too, i wouldnt kill her. maybe cut of her hands for touching what wasnt hers but mine. maybe i would tatoo my name onto my loves so that no one would ever question to whom they belonged.

because as primal and fucking pshycopathic it sounded they were mine.

i had fucked them, laid bare and on my kness. i had worhsipped and prayed fro them, too them. they were mine but then again any command that was to spill from their lips i would be first to lay down body, soul and mind to make ti happen.

whatever they wanted.

i would be a slave, a good pet, whatever pleased them. but if they thoguht even for a fraction of second i wouldnt haunt them down like a mad woman if they ever dared to leave me now, they were stupid.

i would die either searching for them or with them. no other option.

but they didnt need to know what kind of crazy i was. how fucked up my mind was and how i adored the mere thought of tatooing or permentaly marking them with my name made me smile to myself.

no one had to know i was after all no matter how much i hated the woman who birthed me, no matter how much i despised her, i was still her daughter.

and i was just as sick in the head as she was.

i just hoped the marinos wasnt the kind of crazy my father was. because i was sure of one thing before my father, my mother was like me.

crazy but not evil.

i wouldnt hurt my children, never, but i knew my father had been a diffrent kind of crazy than me. he didnt have a problem hurting his family, and he taught my mother not to have that problem either.

i looked at the rings i had slid onto their hands, they were sleeping. peacefully- i couldnt sleep. i wondered, if i - we- ever had children, what if i ended up- i didnt like the thought of it but- what if i became like my parents.

what if my child became like me?

i didnt nececarily hate myself but i didnt like myself either- besides i keept putting myself in situations i shouldnt be in.

messing with the wrong crowd.

and even if these two greek gods beside me one day broke my heart, raised their fists, beated me to the pupl i would stay and try to presude them to treat me better instead of leaving. perhaps i would just ignore it infact- the problems- just act normal.

pretend to be alright.

i didnt want any other being to be like me. no on else derserved it.

but i did.

i knew i did.

i admired the very rings i had worn around my neck for as long as i remembered. they had been for my parents my biological ones. for what i could've had as a child, what couldve been- my mom had gifted them to me shortly after her and dad adopted me.

she said something along the lines of making something bad into something beutiful. to not forget.

but i did forget. most of it anyways.

but the rings were beutiful and they were mine so them being on the only two people on earth who could do littreally anything to me and still have me unconditionally felt right.

it felt perfect on their hands.

i looked at the phone laying in my lap. oh sweet harmony- why couldnt you last?

a tear rolled down my cheek. i should've known from the moment that phoencall came in i wasnt safe.

i should've known i could never be peaceful after that. i kissed santos head softly not waking him up, then i brushed my hand over nicolas soft hair before placing a kiss to his head too. then i got up from the bed.

tears streaming down my face.

i could forgive them for anything, anything. but they would not be the same i knew. but i knew i would rather have their hatred than i would have to never see them again- i would rather risk them killing me than to have them killed.

the uber was waiting infrotn of the mansions gates.

'' drive me to the nearest airport '' i said with a heavy heart. the drive looked at me and then shrugged drivign off in the middle of the night.

''Por favor perdóname, esto es para mejor, esto es para ti''

(please forgive me, this is for the better, this is for you)

i muttered softly under my breath, as a last prayer. i closed my eyes as i watched the mansion fade away, the men i love slip between my fingers.

my mother would come for me no matter where i was and she would kill whoever stood in her way.

i knew.

i had seen it.

i would do this and then return. i would beg for forgivnes i knew i didnt derserve.

but i would beg either way.

but first i had to vanish for a while. that was the only way i could make sure everyone was safe.

i took the first flight back to brazil, then i took the train to the city. '' ms nystrom '' the officer greeted with a sympahtetic smile.

'' lets get it over with shall we officer?'' i said with a dullness i regnoised as grief, or sheildign. a facde. i didnt feel dull, or numb or empty.

i felt full. i felt like i was grieving someone who was alive.

i was grieving because i knew i wouldnt have them back in ym arms but i needed to do this. i couldnt tell them yet, i couldnt even mutter the words out of my mouth. to admit to someone else what had happened back then.

back here in brazil.

when i was a kid. it was emberasing, dirty.

it was hummiliating to tell, i couldnt. i wouldnt i wouldnt emberass myself like that, i couldnt- i didnt want to.

i would protect them but they didnt need to know from what.

i would beg for forgivenes.

but i knew it was hte end.

this was the end of something, weather it was a good end or a bad end i didnt know. but somethign was ending i could feel it.

i sat down in the interagation room the mic on the table on. '' i dont want it to be known its me, i want to stay anonumys'' i stated firmly. the officer nodded.

'' as you wish'' he hummed. as i began, the second time in my life, telling the most dirty thing in my past.

telling what happened- the truth for once. the start of everything-

'' it startet when i was born, the abuse-''