JOSEPHINE

I couldn't sleep. I had turned over and over on the mattress, but nothing changed. Unfortunately, Valentino was serious about the books and took them away from me in the evening until the morning, so I didn't have many options for keeping myself entertained. 'I could eat something,' I thought, quietly making my way to the kitchen. I probably didn't even need to be quiet, given how soundly the others were sleeping, but I still didn't want to risk waking anyone. It had been quite a day, and I realized how much I needed peace and quiet to process everything. Being safe had seemed so far away for such a long time, but now I was. My worst fear could finally disappear.

All that remained were the other monsters that lurked in the shadows, scratching at the walls so that I would never forget them. I decided to think about that another time and opened the fridge. It was still surprising how full it was no matter what time of day. Maria looked after us well, no doubt about that. There was even a special place for the high-calorie things that I could eat or drink, but they disappeared way more often than I actually consumed them.

"Hello, Domenico," I said while looking into the fridge, and heard a rough laugh behind me. Happy to see some leftovers from the cake Maria had baked, I reached for it.

"Little midnight snack?" A hand with a snake tattoo appeared next to me and took the cake from me. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," I gritted through my teeth as I reached for a yogurt. When I turned around, Domenico had already gone to the table and motioned for me to sit down too. "Why are you still awake?" I asked him.

"Let's just say I was out and about, just got home, and leave it at that. Then I heard someone trying to get to the cake and decided that I could eat something too," he explained succinctly, as if I didn't know what he did when he was out. "Ah crap, I forgot the fork. Tiny, would you be so kind—although I can get up myself." However, Domenico didn't get up to retrieve a fork but simply picked up the piece of cake. His knuckles were slightly red, and when he noticed I saw the blood spatter on his hand, he pulled his sleeve over it. It was probably better not to ask. "What about you?"

"Let's just say I had an exciting day, couldn't sleep, was hungry, and leave it at that," I replied, only to put a hand over my mouth. Did I really say that?

Domenico grinned. What would he think of me? "Then let's just leave it at that. Tell me about your day."

It wasn't a question. Domenico didn't ask, and when he did, it was in a way that made it impossible not to answer. I thought about what I could say while I opened the yogurt. Unlike the others, there was no point in lying to him or Vito. They both seemed to know every time I lied. "The session was good. We talked about resilience, and next time I should think about what progress I see in myself, which is difficult for me."

"Did that trigger the panic attack?"

"How—" But then I remembered. The watch on my wrist, just like the one Riccardo was wearing now. So I was still being monitored. While it didn't surprise me, it was very annoying. "When can I take the watch off?"

Domenico looked at me with an expressionless face. It was impossible to guess what he was thinking. "That doesn't answer my question."

But I resolved to stand firm on this point. I managed to do so until I wanted to start speaking. Instead, no words left my mouth. Frustrated, I snorted and gave in. "No—yes—maybe. There were many factors," I answered his question reluctantly. He looked at me expectantly. Great. "I was exhausted, then I had to order and pay for the first time, followed by the mishap that made Riccardo angry."

"Was Riccardo angry with you?" I quickly shook my head. He nodded. "I understand."

No, he wasn't, and he never would be. None of them could imagine what it was like to expect another attack at any time and how the fear of fear controlled so many things in everyday life. 'Stop.' He would never understand why I felt a little relieved with each attack because it was finally happening, and I couldn't perceive the limbo in between as positive. 'Stop.' It would never be difficult for him to order something or spend money in public because he didn't know how it felt to have nothing. He would also never have to worry about what his brothers thought of him, because they couldn't leave him behind. But they could leave me behind, custody or not, and it was only a matter of time. Everyone left me sooner or later. Crazy Carl, my godmother, my parents—'Stop! I wasn't left behind by them; my parents died.' I tried to correct my thoughts. Dr. Bradford would certainly be very pleased. I had to change the subject. "Riccardo didn't sneak out. He tried to help me when I had a flashback, and I didn't recognize him. So I tried to fight him off when he tried to bring me back. The black eye is my fault, and he shouldn't have to wear the watch as punishment for something I did."

Domenico put the cake back on the plate and said nothing. Then he stood up, put the plate back in the fridge, and looked for something in one of the cupboards. Finally, he got a pan before turning to me. "Do you know how to make popcorn?" I nodded hesitantly. What was he getting at? "Okay, I'll just take a shower, you make popcorn, and then we'll meet in the living room. I like them salted." With those words, he left the kitchen, leaving me confused. What was that about? Was he angry, or did he not care at all? What had I done wrong? I stood up hesitantly and went to the stove. I had expected a lot, but no reaction at all? Maybe he hadn't heard me. 'Yeah, right. Very realistic.'

The popcorn had been ready for a while, but I waited until I heard him come back down before going into the living room. Domenico was wearing a gray shirt and black sweatpants and looked strangely normal. He was putting the carefully decorated pillows in a pile, and I could see that the blood on his hand had disappeared. When he thought the pile was good enough, he turned to me.

"Salted?" He looked at the bowl in my hand, and I nodded. Satisfied, he took it from me and put it on the table. "Good. We have way too many pillows here," he grumbled, then seemed to have an idea. "Tiny, come here."

And if his smile told me one thing, it was that I definitely shouldn't come any closer. I carefully took a step back without taking my eyes off him. Better to be safe than sorry. "I'd like to remind you that I was faster last time," I said, putting the sofa between us.

Domenico laughed quietly. "Well, in the end, you ended up here anyway. And I have no problem chasing you through the house." My gaze fell on the glass door that led to the garden, and he seemed to know what I was thinking. "I'm warning you."

But I hadn't lied when I said I was faster, and my survival instinct had already kicked in. As he jumped toward me, I sprinted off and tore the door open. 'Oh dear, I should have put on a jacket,' I thought as the cold night air enveloped me. For better or worse, it was too late for that. I ran off, and even if I could have controlled my body, I wouldn't stop.

"Josephine Emilia Parker!" Domenico shouted. "Are you barefoot? Pray that I'm wrong!"

And I did pray. Even when he caught up with me and threw me over his shoulder as if I were nothing. The whole way back, he ranted about my recklessness, the winter, my carelessness, the darkness, and my lack of self-care. He continued ranting while he literally put me in the pile of pillows, covered me with several blankets, and made a hot water bottle for my feet. He even ranted when he turned on the TV, claiming he could just feed me to the dogs if I had a death wish, but all I could do was grin like an idiot. So that's what it felt like when someone cared about you. It really felt good.

______________

"Did you find out what you wanted, Nico?" Vito asked when he came into the living room. "Oh Josephine, I hadn't seen you. Is everything okay?" I nodded, buried between pillows and blankets with a hot water bottle on my feet and popcorn in my mouth.

"Everything is perfectly fine. We talked about the dating topic, and Josephine was just about to explain to me why she so vehemently rules it out. Isn't that right, Tiny?" Domenico answered instead, and I deserved that.

Vito sat down with us and looked at his brother skeptically. "Then why is she covered up like she was in the Arctic?"

"Because she was cold, obviously. Back to the topic of dating, please. So?"

"Actually, it's silly," I began, and four eyes looked at me expectantly. "It's something Crazy Carl once said: If you don't know what love is, then you are vulnerable to being taken advantage of because you think it is love. And how can I know what love should feel like if I don't even love myself? Besides, that would mean the other person would have to love for two, and that wouldn't be fair."

For a moment, apart from the film in the background, it was quiet. Then Vito cleared his throat. "That's an amazingly adult attitude. God, how nice it would be if Matteo or Riccardo were that mature sometimes."

"Oh please, let them both be teenagers. They have to be allowed to make mistakes so they can learn from them, and compared to Valentino, they're almost angels." Domenico took another handful of popcorn.

"Did you forget the latest incident with the church? Or the car? Or when they wanted to run away to Florida?" Vito listed.

Domenico shrugged. "I said almost. Anyway, back to you, Tiny. Although I hate to say it because it makes me sound so old, you're still young. It would be a shame if you limited your future so much because of your past. Go out, fall in love, fall out of love, and if someone breaks your heart, we'll break their hands. Or hers, depending on your preference."

I smiled involuntarily, feeling so much warmer by his statement and tried to steer the conversation in a different direction. I felt uncomfortable discussing it with them. "I thought I wasn't allowed to date anyone until I was 45."

"That much is true, but with a bit of luck, you'll be 46, and from then on, the world will be your oyster," Vito said, and I couldn't tell if he was joking or serious. "And if you still don't want to date, that's totally fine. Domenico, for example, also prefers to remain a bachelor."

I looked over the blanket at him curiously. "Why?"

Annoyed, Domenico glanced at Vito before looking at me. "There are many reasons for that. 1. Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm not the most approachable person emotionally. 2. Apart from that, I have no need for closeness or love in the romantic sense. 3. If I don't want children, why should I be in a relationship?"

"Domenico thinks pragmatically," Vito explained. "And that's a good thing for the singles of the world, because of all the deadly sins, my dear brother here is the lucky seven." He leaned to the side just in time before he was hit by a pillow Domenico had thrown at him. "Missed. What are you actually watching?"

"An animal documentary. Right now, we're rooting for the elephants who are looking for water," Domenico replied, and I wasn't surprised that he knew it. He was always aware of what was happening around him. "Do you want to watch with us?"

Vito yawned and rubbed his face with both hands. "No, Domenico, I don't want to watch an animal documentary at three in the morning, thank you very much. I'm going to bed, and you, Josephine—" he turned to me and pointed to the stairs. "Will go to bed too. You still have classes today."

I quietly wriggled out of the covers and waved goodbye to Domenico. He just grinned again before looking back at the television. When we got to my room, Vito waited until I was lying on my mattress before turning off the light. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Of course," I answered, irritated. What could I do for him that he couldn't?

"For the sake of peace, please never wear that sweater again." My face got hot, and I nodded quickly. "Good. Sleep well, Josephine."

"You too, Vito." And thank you for saving me!



Can't leave without a 50k reads gift, can I?

So heres a snippet from the climax chapter (which will not happen in the next chapters, so no worries)

Josephine waited until she was sure that Valentino had fallen asleep on her bed and then carefully got up. She tiptoed out of her room. The hallway was dark in front of her, but she couldn't hear anything except her heartbeat. It must have been just after midnight, she guessed. So it would be a while before the others woke up. Good. She had swapped her watch with Valentino's just before he got out of the shower and she had also left her cell phone in her room, along with his switched off watch, so they couldn't track her down. She quietly went down the stairs to the living room. The glass door was the only door that couldn't be locked and she was sure that Vito had locked all the others to protect her. Protect her from herself.