JOSEPHINE

There was a click, but nothing happened.

No no no no no. That couldn't be happening! I looked at the gun in my hand in disbelief before it was snatched from me in a matter of seconds. What had I done? I- I- I had to be more desperate than I thought. And why was I even still alive? My thoughts were racing against my heart. I had a gun in my hand and I really wanted to use it!

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you mental? You know what would have happened when this fucking gun was loaded?!" Domenico Marini screamed but his words hardly reached my brain. What have I done? What had become of me? I could have been dead! "Hey, I'm talking to you! What the hell was that about?"

I looked at him in a daze. His face reflected his anger and bewilderment. Why was he angry? He couldn't care less. Even better, he would get rid of all the problems that arose because of me. He shouted something again but I didn't react. I wouldn't have been able to do it even if I wanted to. God, I wanted to kill myself. I slowly started to realize what that meant and the more I thought, the more terrified I got. My hands started shaking, then my arms, and then my whole body. Arms wrapped around me and slowly brought me to the ground but the only thing I could think about was the feeling of the gun in my hand and my finger pulling the trigger. My throat tightened, the air became scarcer and scarcer until I tried to somehow breathe again. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't breathe. The click of the gun screamed in my ear, getting louder and louder. I desperately pressed my hands over my ears to get rid of the noise, but I couldn't. Everything around me became narrower, black spots appeared in my field of vision while my heart beat so hard as if my whole body was pulsating. I needed air! I was suffocating. If I didn't get some air soon... Why was everything so loud? I needed space, I- I had to do something. Everything around me became darker and darker. I opened my mouth but I couldn't say anything. Breathe Josephine, just breathe! The ringing in my ears became unbearable. Everything hurt! Everything was too much for me!

I screamed, screamed my desperation, my fear, my anger, screamed it all out in hope for some kind of relief. The ringing in my ears became less and I could hear voices around me without understanding what they were actually saying. My heart pumped and pumped, but slowly the feeling of tightness subsided and I gasped greedily for air. 'What is happening to me?' I asked myself in fear.

"Joseph!" Who was Joseph? I didn't know a Joseph.

"Joseph." It was a different voice, one much closer to me. "Joseph, listen to me carefully and do what I tell you, okay? Take a deep breath. Exactly and now - no, don't breathe out yet. Wait." How should I wait? I had to breathe again! I had to fill my lungs with air before I couldn't breathe again! "Okay, now breathe out. You're doing well. Breathe in again and hold your breath for a moment. Can you look me in the eyes?" I shook my head. Breathing was the only thing I could concentrate on right now. "That's okay, breathe out again. Very slowly and evenly. There is a painting in front of you on the opposite wall. Try to reach the painting with your breath, okay?" I silently did as I was told and after the fourth run I could gradually feel my body again. After five more I was able to perceive my surroundings.

Someone was stroking my arms soothingly as I was laying on the floor. I carefully sat up and rubbed my face. What had I done? "I-I'm-I'm so sorry," I whispered. "I did not want that!"

"It's okay. Would you like something to drink?" Unable to speak, I just nodded. I carefully reached out my hands for the cup and if Mr. Marini hadn't taken it out of my hands again, I would certainly have burned myself as my arms were still shaking like crazy. "Wait, I'll help you. There you go."

"I'm so sorry," I said again. I really didn't want all that to happen.

"We'll talk about that later. Can you manage to get on the sofa by yourself or should we help you?" asked the other Mr. Marini. I hesitantly sat up and was surprised that my legs could hold me up again. My eyes darted around the room, but thankfully the gun was no longer in sight. "Can you explain why you just tried that so we can understand?"

I took another breath as I tried to sort out my thoughts and understand myself. Why did my body react like that? Normally I overthought everything so often that I usually didn't even know why I was thinking. But when he said I had to go back... Something inside me must have snapped in that moment. I just couldn't say that; they already had to thought I was crazy anyway and the more they did that, the less likely it was that they would let me go. "I can't go back," I said instead quietly while looking at my hands, praying that they would understand.

"Where did you live before that you're so afraid to go back?" asked Domenico Marini, looking at me with genuine interest. It had been a while since someone had last looked at me like that. Like I had an actual meaning in this world.

"Forster Care, my parents died when I was 9 years old," I replied, not noticing how my voice had fallen back into my normal vocal chord. Instead, I just kept talking. "I left the foster care two and a half years ago and have been living here ever since."

Vito Marini sat up in his seat. "You've been living on the streets since you were what, 12 or 13 years old?" I nodded silently. "And I'm assuming Joseph isn't your real name?"

This time I shook my head. It was no longer important to maintain the pretending. "My name is Josephine. I'm sorry for lying to you, sir.", I said in my normal voice. Has been a long since I last use it.

Domenico Marini fell backwards, taken aback. "A girl? What the fuck! Why would a girl pretend to be a boy?"

"Boys don't get assaulted as easily as girls and Crazy Carl said I'd be safer if I pretended to be a boy, Mr. Marini. If you're a girl, be a boy. That was one of his rules, sir. I'm sorry that I lied to you, it happens without a bad intention."

"You can call us by our first names Josephine.", Vito stated, totally ignoring my apology. "And why didn't you go to one of the shelters then? It's been freezing out there for the last two weeks." Always be polite, another rule from Crazy Carl, rudeness never won a war. If only he knew where I had gotten myself into.

I shrugged my shoulders. "On the one hand they are already full at this time and on the other hand they would have called the CPS immediately as soon as they realized how old I really am." Neither of them said anything about it. Their faces were just as blank and I started to get nervous again. "Mr. Mari-Vito, may I ask what happens next?" I asked and if I was honest, I was afraid of his answer. What if they did notify CPS or someone else? The two brothers looked at each other and seemed to be having an entire conversation using just their eyes. Domenico nodded, Vito frowned, whereupon Domenico tilted his head slightly and shrugged his shoulders briefly. Vito then nodded and it was Domenico who answered me.

"We're sticking with the original plan: you stay here tonight and we'll think about what's best tomorrow. Maybe the night helps us to find a different solution. Until then, you should eat something first, as famished as you look. Do you like bruschetta or should I ask Mary to prepare something else?" I had no idea what bruschetta was or who Maria was, but the items on the table were probably the tastiest things I'd eaten in a very long time, even on their worst days. The sandwich in my- "But I have to go back today. All my things are still in the warehouse!"

Vito raised an eyebrow. "Is there something important?"

You could tell that neither of them ever had nothing. "Everything. That's all I have and if they get stolen then I won't have a sleeping bag or a change of clothes when it rains again!" Never leave your belongings behind unless your life is at stake. The two exchanged looks again and I worriedly wondered if I had crossed a line with my demand. I was warm again for the first time in a long time, I had a shower which was even further back and I was still alive. How ungrateful I must have seemed to them both! "I'm sorry-"

"You don't have to be. We'll send someone to collect everything and bring it here. Therefore you can laundry your things here tonight and put them on again tomorrow," suggested Domenico.

"No, that's okay, I have already made so many trouble. I'd rather keep them with me," I quickly contradicted. Probably too quickly, because Domenico just smiled knowingly and looked at his brother.

"Do you want the first half of the night or the second half?" he asked his brother and my heart started pounding again. What were they planning to do? Oh no, I shouldn't have said I was a girl, I-

"The first one, I still have things to do anyway," Vito replied and looked at me. He seemed to sense my fear. "God no, that's not what it's about Josephine. It's about who makes sure you don't run away or do anything else stupid." I breathed a sigh of relief only to realize what he meant. How did they know I would've tried to run away as soon as possible?

"Oh Tiny, your face displays every thought of yours. So I'm going to sleep, will you wake me up?" Domenico turned to his brother and Vito nodded. "All right. I wish everyone an uneventful and quiet night. Eat some more Tiny, it'll be a while until you'll get a next chance." He winked at me and disappeared. I watched him go, still unsettled. What happened here and what did he mean? Will they hold me as some sort of prisoner?

Vito leaned over to push the plate of bruschetta towards me, unaware or ignoring my discomfort. "Domenico is right, you should really eat and then I'll take you to the guest room." I did as he asked and with the first bite I knew how many nights I would be thinking about the taste. It was even better than it looked. Way too good for me! Nevertheless I devoured the first three pieces and reached for the next piece when I remembered what impression it must have had. Embarrassed, I offered the piece to Vito, but he just laughed quietly and said I should eat as much as I wanted to.

However, I stopped eating, afraid of vomiting und cramps I would most likely get. But despite being still hungry, I didn't feel hollow anymore. Maybe they would let me life for another day and I would have another chance of eating even if it wasn't that delicious. The only downside was my mind, which no longer had to think about how to get something to eat, but could concentrate on myself and thinking about myself was something that lead to no good.



Hello there! You might be wondering what the (*) means and to stop you from scrolling down or skipping pages I'd like to explain in. So if I make general statements, such as the one with homeless women being more exposed to violence than men, I try to get it correct and therefore I will link study's and sources down below.

Nevertheless I hope you enjoyed the chapter!

See you soon 🤗

(*) Sources:

https://doi.org/10.1186/s12905-021-01353-x (Women in a situation of homelessness and violence: a single-case study using the photo-elicitation technique)