Nate didn't want to tell Spade what was happening with him, it wasn't really a good idea, at least for now he would keep it a secret. He looked at Spade, seeing the hard look he was giving him, Nate just sighed out and shook his head "I'm fine, nothing's wrong" he whispered, hearing the way Spade growled out lowly, the sound rumbling through the whole office, he would have been scared if Spade wasn't his boyfriend, but lucky for him, the man was his boyfriend, so he knew he wasn't really angry, just frustrated at the fact that Nate was lying to him.

"I don't believe you, for some goddamn reason I don't believe you" Spade said looking at Nate intently "I hope you're not trying to break up with me or ask for space like the last time, because this was exactly how you were acting prior to you suddenly wanting space then" Spade said, looking at Nate quizzically. "I don't know what's going on with you but if you try to leave me again, I don't care if I have to tie you down to the bedpost but you're not going anywhere, not this time" Spade muttered almost as if he was warning Nate that he would do anything to keep him by his side.

This only made Nate's head to hurt as he thought about it. If Spade knew of the reason why he was acting like this, he'd probably even push him away himself.

He almost laughed at his own misery, he sighed out deeply before he wrapped his hands around Spade's neck, trying to soothe the man and sell the lie he was about to give

But he didn't think of it as an absolute lie, it felt more like him omitting details about what happened "I'm fine Gio, and no I'm not trying to ask for a break or space, I'm just kind of stressed from work, my head hurts" he lied through his teeth, but he almost sighed out in relief when he saw Spade's posture relax as his face relaxed too.

He started drawing circles on Nate's exposed hip with his fingers, Nate couldn't even react to what Spade was doing to him because guilt was eating at him.

He was piling up secrets and he knew they would come back to bite him later. "Maybe you should rest, take a quick nap on the couch okay" Spade suggested and Nate just sighed out and nodded "Yeah"? He asked

"Yeah" he whispered back before he got up and walked around the table and gently laid down on the couch in Spade's office, even though he knew he wouldn't be able to get a wink of sleep

He closed his eyes and tried to sleep but it was fucking hard, not because he could feel Spade's stare on him, but because he was thinking, he was going crazy by the second.

The longer he thought about it, the harder it became to get out of his head. Maybe he shouldn't have even agreed to date Spade in the first place, because now he was about to be used against Spade, even though he didn't really know to what extent whatever he was asked to do would affect Spade.

Maybe Spade was right and feelings were a weakness, he sighed out discreetly as he tried to sleep but it was proving fucking hard. Everytime he closed his eyes, his father's words would ring through his mind, making him open them again

He just wanted a peaceful life, was that too much to ask for? He didn't want to have to worry everytime like this, always looking over his shoulder. Everytime he thought his life was going smoothly, something would come along and knock it off.

His life was the worst life anyone could have, he had the worst luck ever. Nothing in his life was ever simple, he had learnt that now. He wanted to look at Spade again, to see his face, maybe that would give him the courage he needed or the momentary feeling of peace.

Or maybe it would make him feel less guilty for what he was asked to do, and what he was sure he would do in the next 24 hours. He wanted just a little bit of something to justify his actions, but Spade being so gentle around him and acting so sweet and caring wasn't even helping.

If anything, he was making it a million times harder for Nate to live with himself. Even if he decided to tell Spade, what would he say? He sighed out and forced his eyes closed, he wouldn't open it this time and he would actually fall asleep, and push the thoughts away from his mind.

*****

Nate had spent the night at Spade's place, he barely spoke or engaged in a conversation with Spade, but he tried his best not to show that he was in fact bothered by something, but that was kind of hard, giving the fact that he kept mopping around like a sad lost puppy

He wondered how Spade still didn't really notice that he wasn't okay, or maybe the man did but he just didn't want to comment on it.

Nate didn't even know how he managed to survive the evening after he woke up in Spade's office on his couch, through the night they slept together. His mind was like a frat house that was in a mess after a heavy party.

To sum it up, he didn't even know what was what anymore, everything just seemed the same and he had that very anticlimactic feeling settle in the pit of his stomach, and now staring at himself through the mirror in the bathroom while he tried to brush his teeth.

He felt a shit ton of guilt over take him, he was really a shitty person, for even considering doing this to Spade, but anyone in his shoes would the same

Would Spade do the same thing? His subconscious had asked

Really thinking about it now, he didn't know if he knew the answer to that question. But if he had to guess, a big part of his heart already knew the answer to that, and it didn't help to curb the guilt in his heart, instead it weighed him down the more.

He sighed out and spat out the toothpaste from his mouth before rinsing it off, and just then, the bathroom door opened and Spade walked in. They lived like this now, and for a week plus, he adored and cherished it, but now it was like a heavy problem for him, because he couldn't think for one second with Spade showing up, not that he didn't want to be around Spade, actually he appreciated Spade's presence around him because he was sure if he was away from Spade for one second, and alone in his own apartment, he just might do something crazy to himself.

"Morning baby" Spade had rasped out as he stopped briefly beside him and kiss his cheek quickly, before he moved on and stood beside him pulling out his own toothbrush, he squirted some paste on it and went ahead to brush his teeth.

"Morning" Nate had managed to whisper out as he walked around Spade and pulled a small towel which he used in cleaning his mouth.

He had gotten too comfortable with this life, and this was life's way of telling him that he didn't deserve something good, that comfortability he'd been feeling around Spade, wasn't his to feel.

They hadn't exactly moved in together officially and Spade hadn't asked him yet, but he was here every other day, unless he needed to pick something up at his own apartment.

How could he even forget the kind of life he had, how did he get so comfortable that he forgot his whole existence was jinxed? His mother died because of him and at some point he was sure his father was always angry and grumpy because of him, and now he had brought that luck along with him to Spade's life.

He took off his clothes, standing bare in front of Spade, he noticed the way Spade's eyes followed his every movement from the mirror and he saw the hunger and longing in Spade's eyes.

He knew Spade had wanted them to get intimate the previous night, but he just wasn't up for it, and even right now, he wasn't sure he was up for it. "What"? He asked when he noticed Spade was staring too hard, thank God he didn't really have any scars on his body from the many beating his father had delivered to him as a kid

The man just shrugged, his eyes resting on Nate's cock, that now suddenly seemed to jump lightly as his body suddenly felt hot and conscious "Have you ever considered having kids"? Spade blurted out, making Nate to almost choke on his spit as his eyes grew wide, as he stared at Spade, shocked and obviously caught off guard.

Just what the hell had been going through this man's mind?

"I mean not right away but maybe In the future" Spade rushed out, but his question had already settled in Nate's head, it had registered in his mind and now he was actually thinking about it.

He never really thought about kids or even a family, all his life he thought he was going to end up alone, so the thought of having a family never really crossed his mind, but now that Spade was asking, he was asking himself too.

Did he want kids? He really didn't know "I...uhm.. I don't know, do you"? He asked Spade and he watched the way the man took his time to answer, rinsing his mouth and dropping his toothbrush on the container on top of the sink, he looked away from the mirror and faced Nate, taking two steps closer so he was standing directly in front of Nate.

Nate peered up at him, completely forgetting the fact that he was in fact stark naked in front of Spade "If you'd asked me this a month ago, I would have told you no, I've never really wanted kids, not that I don't like kids but..." He paused, his eyes showing the conflict in them "growing up the way I did, watching my parents... well my father treat us the way he did, for something that wasn't any of our faults, it made me scratch out the possibility of having kids or even a family" he paused again, looking down at Nate intently, as if contemplating what he was about to say next "But since I've been with you and I've come to realize that I love you and will do anything for you" he shrugged "I guess I've been thinking hard about it lately... Having kids, having a family"

Nate gasped out lowly as his eyes suddenly grew wide and glossy, what the hell was Spade on about? He really didn't want to conclude that the man was actually saying what he thought he was saying? He swallowed hard, lips parting slightly

"Are you...."? He paused and Slade just blinked slowly and nodded

"Yes Nate, I'm actually asking if you'll want to have kids with me" he said softly, Nate didn't know if he was happy or sad, or even angry, like his emotions were in overdrive, collapsing into one another, his heart was beating fast, and he felt like he would actually feel his heart drop from his mouth, he was overwhelmed and speechless as he stared at Spade. "You don't have to answer right away....." He cut Spade off when he crashed his lips on Spade's lips, he didn't know what else to do in that moment

He was a ball of nerves, a complete emotional mess and he knew a kiss from Spade would make him think clearly and would push the lump in his throat far back into his stomach.

So he did just that, kissing Spade eagerly as he wrapped his hands around Spade's neck as he felt Spade's hands rest on his waist as he pulled him flushed against his ripped frame

He felt his emotions multiply a million times more and he so badly wanted to cry and at the same time he wanted to smile. What did he do to deserve someone like Spade?

He could feel his breathing increase as he was panting and breathing hard into the kiss, Spade wanted to pull back but that was not what he wanted at the moment "Baby..." Spade grunted into the kiss, pulling back for a few seconds, looking down at him

But he was quick to rush his lips on Spade's "don't say anything, just kiss me please" he whispered, his voice trembling a bit as he felt the lump in his throat grow in size.

He didn't think he wanted to talk at the moment, and he was grateful that Spade understood and kissed him back with equal urgency.

I kind of feel bad for Nate 😳😩😩