Nathan

Sitting on the couch for the past hour and my mind has been blank, well not completely blank but what's the point? I've tried calling Matteo, not that he didn't pick up, of course he picked up but what I heard was not what I had wanted to hear.

I know he already told me that he won't talk to Spade on my behalf and I totally understand him but I just wanted to try my luck one more time, at least before I give up.

But it's not that easy to give up, not when I still love Spade so much, I haven't even been able to reach out to my sister but I know my father won't do anything to her, not after I've done what he wanted me to do.

My hand move on it's own and landed on the gold piece Spade had given me a few weeks back, I fingered and caressed it, it felt like a long time ago that I was standing in the middle of his living room and he handed it to me.

It's the only thing if him that I have, and as selfish as it sounds, I don't think I want to give it back. Him on the other hand wants nothing to do with me or anything that belongs to me. He made that crystal clear when he sent Matteo to drop off my stuff from his house.

He meant it when he said he didn't want to see or talk to me, and I don't blame him, I betrayed him and I deserve whatever he was giving to me.

But I wished he'd just let me explain everything to him, maybe then he'd tell me how he got the recording, if it was from his uncle or my father, the second option is very unlikely to happen, since they're not on talking terms

I sighed out as I let my mind take me away from where I was sitting, into a whirlwind of thoughts.

Flashback

I laid back on the bed with my legs spread apart slightly as Spade had his head just above my center and on my torso, my hand buried deep into his hair as I weaved my fingers into it.

It felt very soft and comforting, almost as if I would fall asleep just playing with his hair, my other hand was on his chest as he kept kissing my fingers and using his fingers to trail line up and down my arm. "Baby" Spade called and I just hummed, closing my eyes for a few seconds "Do you want to get matching tattoos"?

That question quickly made me snap my eyes open as I frowned and looked down at Spade, my eyes moving to the bedside table to be sure he didn't smoke anything, because I never expected that question from him.

I looked back at him, he had craned his head to a left angle so he could look at me, I cocked my brows at him "Matching tattoos"? I asked and he nodded "have you been smoking"? I asked and he just frowned before he chuckled, his chest vibrating and shaking my hand that was draped across his chest

"What do you mean have I been smoking"? He asked as he stopped chuckling but there was still a smile etched on his face

"I mean have you been smoking anything lately? What are you on about getting matching tattoos"? I ask, while he just turned around and resumed his former position on my torso, he shrugged

"I don't know, something we both will have on our skin, like your name on my arm and maybe my name on your cock" he muttered lowly at the end, causing my dick to jump, which made him chuckle because I'm sure he felt it

"You want to get my name tattooed on your arm and have me do the same"? I ask and he shrugs again, still trailing lines on my arm, I could feel it inside my bones as I resisted the urge to shudder at the sweet feeling.

"It's pretty cool, I mean I guess I like to try something like that" he muttered, making me further look at him quizzically

"Okay, you seem pretty thrilled about it, what happens when we... You know" I mutter, he just stops trailing his fingers on my arm and look at me briefly

"When we what"? He asks and I just shrug, lowering my eyes and staring intently at his black sleek hair, shiny and beautiful too.

"When we break up or something" I mutter out, suddenly feeling that fear overcome me again, this was a possibility I'd been thinking of for a while now, the possibility of Spade and I breaking up.

And I could say that it was a likely possibility to happen, especially with the secret I've been keeping from him, and knowing that man is his uncle only makes it even worse. I just don't like thinking about it much, but I know it's very likely he'd want to break up after finding out what that man did to me.

This time he actually gets up, my body suddenly missing the warmth of his on mine, feeling the cold breeze touch my stomach, where my shirt had risen up

He narrowed his eyes at me "are you planning to break up with me"? He asked, there was no malice or accusation in his voice

I just shake my head quickly and look at him "of course not, I'm not trying to break up with you or anything, I just.... What if you find someone, someone that's more attractive, smart, funny and even more badass than I'd ever be" I whisper out, and then I see him nodding slowly, as if actually agreeing with me

He sighed out "you're right, I might find someone that's all those and more, actually maybe I have been with people like that" he states making me frown, okay that was not what I was expecting at all, then he suddenly cups my cheek in his hands as he looked into my eyes and the slowly kissed the side of my lips, and then move his lips and grazes it on mine, making me to part my own lips slightly as I look at him "But none of them can ever compare to you" he muttered "I'm with you because it's you and not because of all that which you mentioned" he added.

Slowly warming my heart and making me to bite my lip, feeling my face heat up and my whole body gets flustered, I look up at him and smile shyly before I place my lips on his gently, he kissed me so softly as he scooted over to me even more, pulling my whole body into his

He pulled away gently and stroked my cheek, his thumb resting on my lips as he grazed the bottom part, his own lips dark and his eyes hooded "So what do you say about getting matching tattoos"? He asked with a small smile.

I narrowed my eyes at him, gauging his facial expression, and possibly what he was thinking at the moment. "Tell you what, I'll agree to us getting matching tattoos, if you tell me about a single person you'd been with before we started dating" I told him, seeing the way his hands left my cheek as he groaned out turning around.

"Oh please, not this again" he muttered and I was quick to try to turn his head so he was facing me, my hands resting on his scruffy beards that pricked the skin of my palms

"Just one okay, you don't even have to go into details or anything, just tell me and I won't ask you again, I promise" I plead.

He clenched his jaw as he sighed out "if I tell you, you're going to get jealous and then you'll feel hurt which will eventually lead to you being angry and you won't let me touch you, I can't risk that" he explained while looking at me

I almost roll my eyes at him, until i remember that he promised he'd punish me if I rolled my eyes at him again, so instead I just blink while staring at him. "What makes you think I will get jealous"? I ask and he just sighed out shaking his head

"Because it's basically me telling you about someone I've fucked and I don't know about you but i don't think I can stand hearing you talk about someone who you've fucked before" Spade said a little bite to his voice, making my whole mood go from happy and eager to downcast and a bit scared.

Remembering there was still something I was yet to tell Spade about me, and what he just said confirmed that he in fact won't be receptive if I ever told him about it.

The smile on my face slowly disappears and I pull my hand away from his face, slowly moving my leg, placing it on the ground as I sat with my back facing Spade "Babe" Spade called out, I just hummed but I didn't turn to look at him, shutting my eyes. "Did I say something wrong"? He asks and I just shake my head, of course he didn't say anything wrong, it's just my life that's wrong.

I just get up and start heading towards the door, maybe a little time alone would do me some good, but Spade had other ideas as he hopped off the bed and rushed towards me, pulling me back, he stands in front of me and cup my cheek. "Hey baby, look at me, is this about what I just said, I didn't mean it way, it's just...." He paused, his eyes showing the conflict he was feeling, instead I just shake my head, it's not about him

He sighed out again and looked at me "what I meant was hearing something like that would definitely make me jealous, not that I'm going to judge you for it or anything" he whispered, his thumb had started stroking my cheek, and I leaned into his touch, almost wanting to shut my eyes as I suddenly felt at peace.

Spade's touches does that to me "I'm sorry baby, and if you still wanna know about who I'd been with before...." I cut him off shaking my head

"No no, it's fine" he leans in and pecks the side of my lips, leaving a sweet tingling feeling there, before he pulls back

"Scarlett" he muttered out and I feel myself swallow hard, as my eyes grew wide while I stared at him

"Scarlett? As in Scarlett the girl at the bar in the club"? I ask almost in disbelief, because in truth I didn't see that coming

He just sighed out and nodded "But it was a no strings attached thing, there was nothing more than just sex between us" he muttered, and I just nod remembering the day I'd walked in on them in his office

I narrowed my eyes at him "wait, that day I saw both of you in your office, were...."

He cut me off quickly "no no, we weren't, although she wanted to, but at that time you were all I could think of and I couldn't bring myself to even have an erection around her"

I looked at him, then my lips slowly tugged up in a small smile, he just said I was all he could think of, and at that time I didn't even know he felt that way for me, he frowned as he looked at me "Why are you smiling"? He asked and I just shrug, before I wrap my hands around his neck, pushing myself up and kissing him slowly.

I pulled away and rested my forehead on his "you said I was all you could think of back then, so that means...." He nodded

"I told you Nate, I think I've always had feelings for you from the first day I met you, but I didn't know that was what it was back then, because I'd never felt that way for anyone before, it has always been and it will always be you"

End of flashback

I sighed out as I came back from my thoughts, I didn't even know that I had walked into the kitchen and was resting on the counter, with my eyes set on the kitchen knife there.

Those words replaying themselves in my head, he said it had always been and it'll always be me. So what happened? He doesn't even wanna listen to me, at least he should give me that chance.

'or maybe you should just kill yourself and save everyone the trouble' the voice in my head had started again

I hadn't heard it in a long while, not even when I'd seen that man a few weeks ago, but now it was back and it was touching places in my mind that I dared not explore

'you're a lost cause Nate, bad luck, that's what you are' the voice sleezed making me sigh out loudly.

I thought I had lost the voice, but turns out I'd only toned it down, or maybe Spade had helped me tone it down.

'spade, you betrayed him, when all he did was love you, you don't deserve to be alive' the voice taunted, making my breathing to increase rapidly as I clutched on to my chest

"Shut up" I mutttered, as I heard the voice cackle and laugh out loud "Shut up" I gritted out

The knife was becoming too tempting for me to just pick it up and end everything, so I wouldn't have to bother anyone again. They'd all be free of me, Spade, Matteo, my father, and Su.

But then I felt the coldness of Spade's gold piece on my neck and that snapped out of my daze as I rushed out of the kitchen, hastily picking up my jacket, I wore it and rushed out of my apartment

If I stay in there one more minute, I'd lose my mind and do something to hurt myself. And I'd never done that before, self harm, it has never been something that I'd considered, maybe because I promised my mom I'd never even think about it.

I rushed out of the building, breathing hard and fast as I started walking towards the right side of the building, I didn't even know where I was headed to but I just know I needed to be away from here, as fast as I could.

I shoved my hands into my jacket pocket as I walked along the streets, it was kind of empty and quiet, one of the reasons I'd rented an apartment around the area.

It didn't have the bustle of the city, and it definitely didn't have nosy people staring at you because you're walking the streets in a black jacket, in the middle of the night.

I know this was not exactly safe but it was better than staying in that apartment while my thoughts drove me crazy, or worse, drove me to kill myself.

I'd walked a few blocks away from my house, suddenly noticed the other huge buildings around, something I'd never noticed before, this would be the first time I'd be walking the streets close to my house, when I went to work and back, I was always in the car, and most times I had a lot to think about than worry about what the streets looked like.

I could even spot a store just a few blocks away from where I was walking, I never knew something like that existed around this place.

While walking, maybe I should have paid attention to my surroundings more, because if I did, I would have noticed the black SUV that's been trailing me all the way from my apartment building, and I would have called Matteo because my gut feeling didn't like the way things were going.

But before I could think of all that, someone jumped me, just like the time my father had taken me, a black cloth was wrapped around my nose, and I inhaled. Big mistake, because that's all I remember before I blacked out.

Again? 😳😳😳