Spade

I stood watching as both men landed their first on each other's face, hearing bones crack, I wondered which one of them was receiving the most blow, both had their faces bloodied and swollen, but it still didn't excited or amuse me one bit.

Instead the more I watched, the more boring and plain it became, the others around me cheered though, while some just watched, grimacing once in a while if one of each men landed more punch than the other.

I was trying to drown out their shouts and cheers, but if I did I'd just get swallowed up in my own thoughts and that was one of the main reasons why I started this in first place, to stop me from getting swallowed up in my thoughts.

I hated that I couldn't keep it out of my head, that I couldn't keep him out of my head, and it was slowly turning into this uncontrollable rage that I couldn't understand.

I wish I could just unlove him just as quickly as I had fallen for him, but even I knew it wasn't that easy. I was stuck like this, maybe it was like a punishment for me, I didn't know.

"Spade you have to stop this before someone gets seriously hurt" Matteo's voice broke me out of my thoughts as I turned to look down at him, he stood beside me up on the stairs that led to the huge wide space that served as the gym, I gave him a dead panned look at his last comment about someone getting hurt, as if he was blind to the bruises on the men's faces, if that didn't classify as being hurt, I wonder what else does.

He kind of noticed my look and sighed out "like dead hurt" he clarified, I just looked away from him as my eyes landed on the men, still waiting to see something that would interest me in the slightest, but it was the same old thing, the same routine, same fighting and same damn shit as the previous day.

"Spade you've been doing this for the past two weeks, don't you think..." I glared at him hard as I cut him off sharply, with my voice hard and leaving no room for argument.

"Don't even think about it Matteo, trying to ask me to stop" I growled out and he just sighed out and looked back at the men fighting, I knew he wasn't moved by my threat though

"Can't you see what you're doing? Everyday for the past two weeks, you have them fighting each other, with one of them always ending up unconscious in the hospital, different duo every day for the past two weeks" Matteo said, as if he couldn't believe it was even happening, but I just gave him a bored look.

Instead of stopping the fighting like Matteo had suggested, I just ignore him and walk out of the gym, completely shutting off their cheering and shouting, until I hear the door momentarily open and close again, hearing Matteo's footsteps behind me.

I shut my eyes and increase my strides, can't he just get the memo that I'm in no mood to talk right now, I just wanted a distraction, something to keep me from completely going insane

"Spade" he called out as I rounded the corner and passed the living roon and headed up the stairs "Gio" he muttered even louder, but I completely ignore him as I step into the corridor and head towards the bedroom, my bedroom in the mansion.

Yes, I'd been staying in the mansion for the past two weeks, totally staying away from my house, I don't think I can stay there, at least not for a while

I entered into the bedroom and he followed me inside, watching as I took off my tank top, throwing it on the bed "Spade you can't keep ignoring me and going like this" he states, I still don't turn to look at him because I'm already used to his talks by now.

It's the same thing everyday, the same damn talk every other day, he'd tell me that I couldn't keep going like this, making me wonder what he wanted me to do about it.

I couldn't stop myself from feeling this way even if I wanted to, it wasn't like turning off your emotions, or turning off the tap on the sink. Being hurt doesn't work like that, it goes far deeper than that, and I had to experience it to know for myself.

I've been betrayed a couple of times, hell even more than I can count, but none has ever hurt or affected me the way Nate's betrayal was affecting me now. I feel like if I stop to think about it for one second, it'll overwhelm me and swallow me whole.

"Gio, don't you think you're going too far with this? Maybe you should actually listen to him and...." My eyes turn to him sharply as I glare at him, clenching my jaw

"Don't even think about finishing that sentence Matteo, I've been listening to you talk to me about this for the past two weeks and I've been enduring it, that doesn't give you the right to tell me what to do or how to feel" I spit at him, as I turn my whole body to face him completely "Don't think I don't know he's been calling you and asking for you to talk to me on his behalf, I didn't think you'd actually do it, but I will say I'm a bit disappointed you actually considered it" I grit out and he just sighs out, his blue eyes going somber as he peers back up at me.

"Spade...." I cut him off once again.

"Don't even say anything to me right now, he fucking betrayed me Matteo, and there's only two reasons why he's not dead, one he's your brother, and the only other family you have asides me, I don't wanna take that away from you" I explain, before I turn my back on him again, about to walk into the bathroom when his voice stops me

"What's the other reason"? He asks, I close my eyes and swallow hard, even after everything, I still can't bring myself to stop it "you said there were two reasons, what's the other one"? He further asks.

"I still love him" I mutter out before I go into the bathroom and shut the door, resting my back on the door, and shutting my eyes.

I could feel and hear my shallow breathing as I tried to calm my racing heart. Everytime I thought and said those words ever since I left him two weeks ago, it would feel as if someone took a sledgehammer to my heart, and I was actually watching it shatter in pieces.

I've been with people for sex, I've dumped girls because I no longer saw the relevance of being with them, but none has ever hurt me, not even a tad bit as much as leaving Nate was hurting me.

It was if I had no soul, the day I walked away from him, was the day I started having the feeling of being incomplete, like something was missing from withing me, and it made me feel completely empty

That was one of the reasons I'd started this everyday brawl at the mansion's gym, I was desperately trying to fill that void with anything, anything at all

I have even gone back to drinking and smoking excessively, the only thing I hadn't tried yet to see if it would fill in that emptiness inside of me, was have sex with another.

I've thought of it but everytime I try to, I lose my nerve and I lose the will to even try it. I become repulsed by the thought of it, maybe that was why I had asked Scarlett to stop working the night shift at the club, because if I saw her too often, I might give in and just have sex with her.

And as crazy as it sounds, I would feel guilty after, because the part of me that still loves Nate, can't cheat on him, not even after what he did to me.

I had taken off my clothes, and rested my head on the cold walls, turning the shower on, with it's cold waters touching my body and making me suck in a harsh breath, on it's own my mind started working.

Flashback

"Is that how he thought to hold a pistol"? I had asked Nate referring to Stefano from a few days ago and he just shifted, turned around and looked at me, frowning as he scrunched his nose up again, giving it that polka dot look that I always found very cute, I chuckled lightly as he shrugged at me, I shook my head and started walking towards him as he shook his head.

"No, no, no don't come close to me" he started saying, making me cock my brows at him, almost as if asking why, but I already knew why, I just wanted to hear him say it "You know why Spade, if you stand close to me, we're gonna end up like we did yesterday, on the ground...." He paused as he used his hands to make funny gestures

"On the ground what"? I asked as I smirked inwardly, seeing him get completely flustered, even though we'd been together a month plus and we've been having sex in the past one week and a few days, he still found it hard to talk about sex freely with me, especially when it involves our own sex

"You know" he muttered, lowering his eyes from me and staring at the pistol in his hands, I chuckled as I walked towards him, before tilting his chin up and having his eyes on me, I wanted to maintain eye contact with him when I said what I was about to say

"You mean us on the ground fucking, or more like on the ground when I fucked you" I said huskily but loud enough so he could hear, and I saw the way his cheeks flustered and grew completely red, while his brown eyes grew in size, almost making me chuckle out, he looked so fucking adorable with red on his pale cheeks

"Whatever, that" he muttered out and I smiled before I raised my brows at him

"And you don't like it when I fuck you"? I asked, watching him squirm in front of me, I was purposely using the word fuck because i know it made him uncomfortable, and him being uncomfortable, always made him extra cute

He opened his mouth to say something, but his words got stuck as he stuttered and stumbled over each word, getting more flustered as he tried to look away from me.

"So you do like it when I fuck you"? I ask and he almost choked on his spit as he looked away sharply, inhaling a harsh breath, I was enjoying this more than I was supposed to.

I chuckled and pulled him closer to me by the hem of his shirt before I nestled my face into the crook of his neck "I'm messing with you baby, but you should have seen your face though" I mumbled against his neck.

He gasped out lowly before he used his hand to push me away, glaring at me, which made him so cute "Don't touch me" he gritted out and I just chuckled, before I pulled away and looked at his adorable pale face

"Are you mad at me baby? I was only messing with you okay" I muttered with a smile as his glare only hardened, making my laughter to somewhat increase as I stared at him

"Whatever, just... Let me go, so we can get to work and don't end up..." He gestured with his hands again and I cocked my brows at him, what was his problem and talking about sex today

"So you're saying if I touch you now and I tell you I want us to have sex, you're gonna refuse me"? I asked and ye frowns before he nods his head, my brows raise in amusement "Is that so"? I ask and he shrugs again

Almost as if he was challenging me "why don't we make a bet then"? I suggest and he furrows his brows before nodding

"Okay, a bet, what's it going to be about"? He asked and I smirk, already knowing what I'd ask for

"If we end up having sex in here, then I win and you're going to be mine forever"? I ask and he just frowns even deeper

"But I'm already yours" he muses and I nod

"Yes you are, but now I'm asking for you to be mine forever" I pull him closer as I start kissing his neck down " mine to love, mine to kiss as I want, mine to taint and corrupt, and mine to fuck on any surface on this Earth" i finished with a final lick and bite of his ears, earning a shudder from him as I felt his cock brush up against my stomach

I pull away and look down at a very flustered and breathless Nate, whose eyes were hooded with lust and desire "Are you asking me to marry you Mr DeVille"? He asked teasingly and I just shrug, watching him smile as he bit his lips seductively, the shit that thing does to me

"Maybe, maybe not" I tease back with a smile of my own

"You got yourself a deal babe" he purrs out as he steps up and gently kissed the edge of my lips, before trailing his lips all the way towards my ear, his hands wrapping around my neck, I sucked in a harsh breath when I felt him tug at my earlobe with his teeth. "But if we don't have sex in here, that means I win and you get to grant any request of mine, anything at all that I ask for"

He pulls away and looks at me, making me swallow as I could already feel my cock press against his stomach "You fucking got yourself a deal baby" I husk out.

End if flashback

I sighed out when I finally came back from my thoughts, I roared out before my fists came in contact with the wall, making me groan out as I rest my forehead on the wall, panting hard.

I was fucking going to ask him to marry me along the line, that was how much I loved and still love him

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