Spade

I kept going after stacks and stacks of paper as my eyes were already feeling heavy on their own, like my lids were carrying a heavy weight that prevented them from staying open on their own.

I ran a tired hand down my face as I tried to clear the heaviness in my eyes, I let out a deep breath as I tried to make sense of the paper in front of me. I could feel the tiredness in my bones, everything ached in my body but I couldn't go to sleep, not because I didn't want to but because I couldn't.

I was here working non stop, not because I needed to but because I had to, I couldn't bring myself to fall asleep, for fear of overthinking everything. I had never been one to overthink things but recently I found myself doing that a lot, and it was kind of affecting me. I shut my eyes, feeling my head ache with a strong pain, it felt like a rope was tied around my head and being pulled in so many direction.

All this thoughts was because of one person. Small pale hands, pink perfect lips, brown honey, evening sun eyes, everyday I found new things about him that fascinated me. I'm not gonna lie but when he agreed to think about coming to work for me, I felt relieved and happy, I thought he'd reject immediately because of all the shitty things I did to him, even though I didn't mean half of it.

My mind kept drifting back to him and everything about him, I wasn't gonna lie to myself now, even if I wanted to. My whole body itched for him, I want him, and it was glaring to me now, more than it was before.

But one thing kept replaying in my head, I'm not gay, so why the fuck do I want Nathan so bad? I've always been attracted to women, sexually or otherwise, women were my go to people, so why Nathan? What was so special about him that he brought out this side of me?

Made me wanna explore it, made me wanna know more, made me itch to know more, to wanna try and understand this feeling. Strange as it is, it was sweet and exciting. And it made my whole body ache with want and itch for more.

I could almost feel the touch of skin on mine, the electrifying feeling, the tingles, the slight parting of his lips that he always does without knowing it, the way his eyes always moved. All the tiny things he did that he barely even noticed himself.

At first I kept asking myself why I was always thinking about him, then I convinced myself with time that I was only worried he'd be a threat, and then asking Matteo to keep an eye on him, even though he didn't seem like a threat, and then it was the fact that he was supposed to be my brother in law, and I kept giving myself excuses upon excuses that made me want to see him, to talk to him, to even have him in the same room as me.

And even till this very moment I was still making excuses for myself to see him everyday, hence asking him to come work for me, I know I said I wanted to protect him and yes I do but deep down I knew that was not the only reason why I wanted him to come work for me.

There was something about Nate that kept pulling me to him, something deep down was telling that there was more to him than the innocent, lost look in those brown eyes, and I was getting this strange itch to find out what it is.

The look of fear in his eyes that night, something tells me it didn't just come because of what I did, it was more than that, like something he was used to feeling, the look in his eyes felt like what happened that day wasn't a first for him, it wasn't just fear, it was terror and it wasn't fear of the unknown, it looked more like a fear that he had grown overtime.

And it didn't sit well with me, looking into his eyes that night, seeing the fear and terror in them because of what I did, it made guilt settle somewhere deep inside my chest, it made everything in me burn with a strange sinking feeling, he was the one experiencing what I was doing but I was the one feeling the pain. It felt like someone had taken a knife and stabbed me somewhere deep inside my heart and it was bleeding.

I never wanna see that look in his eyes again, especially if I'm the cause of it. Because I never want to feel the way I felt that day, helpless because I couldn't do anything to stop the hurt he was feeling, to stop the hurt I was feeling I couldn't look at him and tell him it was okay because it wasn't

The door to my office flew open and I raised my eyes from the paper in front of me and saw Matteo walking into my office like it was his, making me wanna roll my eyes at him

"Jesus dude, you look like a zombie" his annoying voice reached my ears, making the throbbing in my temple increase, I shut my eyes letting out a deep breath "Do you even sleep? When last did you have a good night rest"? He asked plopping himself on the chair in front of my table, his eyes raking me over like he was actually looking at a very strange thing

"What are you doing here Matteo"? I mutter with an uninterested tone, my eyes looking bored at him

"Dude why do you look like that"? He asked totally ignoring my question, Matteo can be like that, although he sometimes tends to get a little too much but I still wouldn't trade him for anyone or anything. "You have..." He gestured with his hands towards my eyes "black shit under your eyes" he muttered making me finally roll my eyes at him.

"What do you want Matteo"? I gritted out again, even I knew I had dark circles under my eyes and I looked homeless, I hadn't slept properly in days and I'd been working non stop, but I didn't need him to point it out, especially if he made it sound worse than it was.

He smacked his lips masking the playful expression he had one a few seconds ago to one of seriousness, he pulled the tablet with him close to the table, clicking on a few things while I just watched him. "We got something, well the guys I stationed outside Greg's house got something" he muttered before stretching the tablet to me "they were able to capture this three days ago" I took the tablet and examined it, it was a man dressed in all black, I couldn't see his face and the image was kind of blurry "they weren't close so the image is kind of fucked up, they saw him leaving Greg's house, well they saw him go in and saw him leave, but they think it might be worth something" he finished, relaxing back on the chair as he twirled it from side to side.

I zoomed in on the image trying to get a closer look to see if the person was someone I could recognize, but as Matteo had said, the image wasn't clear at all and I could barely even recognize the person.

I moved my hand up to my face and scratched my beards, looking at the image in front of me and trying to make sense of it. I hadn't totally forgotten about my plans for Greg, but I was slowly starting to lose interest in it, not that it wasn't on my mind or it wasn't important anymore, but there was something far more important than it that was on my mind, someone that was beginning to live rent free in my head.

I cleared my throat and dropped the tablet on the table, pushing it towards Matteo, he took it and locked the screen before looking back up at me "What are we gonna do about it"? He asked

"Nothing" I whispered, and i could see the shock in his eyes, like he was mentally asking himself if he heard right

"What about the marriage thing"? He asked again making me let out a deep breath as my mind drifted to what I'd told Nate two days ago in his office about finding his sister.

"We're gonna hold on on that for now, let's just focus on the threat we have at hand and also on finding his daughter" I muttered, I could see the question in Matteo's eyes

"Okay" but as always he agreed with me without arguing or asking unnecessary questions, that was one thing I liked about him, he was loyal to a fault, Matteo will blindly follow me anywhere, he had so much trust in me, even more than I had in myself and it didn't just start today, it has always been like that.

"What do we have on our mystery man"? I asked quickly changing the subject.

He let out a deep sigh before adjusting himself on the chair. "Nothing actually, it's been radio silence this past few days, I'm beginning to think he finally realized he can't take you on and gave up" he muttered the last part with a lopsided grin, making me hum out.

I was really itching to know who this mystery person was and what exactly they wanted, asides wanting to end me, I wanted to know why. And they knew exactly where to hit me, the important parts, blocking all my finances first, very smart actually. If they weren't trying to kill me, I'd have actually complimented and admired their work.

And the fact that they were able to hide from me for this long is actually impressive

"Salvatore called" Matteo muttered making me look at him sharply

"What does he want"? I ask out and he just shrugged

"I don't know, he said he wanted to speak to you, so you should stop ignoring his calls" he added making me hum out, what does Salvatore want from me? If not for the fact that he was the last thing of my mother I had left, I'd have cut him off a long time ago. Something about him didn't smell right "Are you ignoring his calls"? Matteo asked and I just rolled my tongue in my mouth, ignoring his question. He knew how I felt about the man, I've never trusted him, even when my mom was alive, so I don't see myself trusting him now.

"How's the Miller kid"? Matteo suddenly asked making me look at him, narrowing my eyes at him, I just nodded slowly

"He hasn't called or reached out yet, maybe he's not interested" I mutttered out, Matteo just watched me as I spoke, I told him about asking Nate to come with for me and it's been two days already and I haven't heard anything from him

"Why do you even want him to work for you? He doesn't seem to be a part of this life and even if he is I don't think he would wanna work for you, especially after everything that happened" he emphasized on the everything making me lean away from the table, musing at him as I thought about what he'd just said.

He might be right, considering the shit I did to Nate, especially when we first met, the threats I threw at him and the fact that I was kind of part of the reason his sister ran away from home. Maybe he really wasn't interested in working for me, but instead of telling me up front he just lied about wanting to think about it.

But his eyes didn't show that he was lying, it didn't feel like he was lying, but with someone like Nate I could never tell, I could read people from a mile away and I was never wrong about people, but so far I've been wrong about so many things concerning Nate. What if those innocent eyes that looked sincere were actually lying and trying to get rid of me?

I sighed out "I wanna protect him Matteo" I blurted out, feeling myself relax at the small confession, Matteo's brows scrunched up in question as he looked at me, surprise evident in his eyes.

"You" he muttered "wanna protect Nate"? He asked as if he didn't hear me the first time, or he did and was trying to confirm if I was actually serious, I just nodded, chewing my tongue inside my mouth. "Why"? He asked and I leaned away from the chair and placed both my hands on the table, looking at him.

"I don't know, I just feel like I should, like I have to, and I know it's crazy Matteo but I just really have to" I whispered, this was the only person I could be vulnerable around, I could show who I really was and I would'nt be scared or skeptical.

Matteo had seen me at my lowest and having him by my side has been a blessing to me. Things, personal things about me that no one knew, Matteo knows.

"Is this because of the thing that happened last week"? He asked referring to Nate getting beat up, I sighed out

Yes that was part of it but not completely, there was something else but I wasn't ready to think about it or admit it out loud, not even to Matteo, because I wasn't even sure what it was yet, it might just be a phase, or an infatuation, I didn't wanna be wrong about it.

"Yes" I muttered licking my lips, to keep it from drying up "clearly you and I both know those bruises didn't come from a fight, he was beat up and until I find out who did it, I can't let him be on his own" I rushed out.

Matteo narrowed his eyes at me, as if looking for something else, his stare was kind of interrogating and annoying "Does he know you wanna protect him"? He asked and I just shook my head, as far as he was concerned I just needed him because of his brains and with capabilities. Matteo clenched his jaw.

"But I'm worried he might not even wanna consider the offer, it's been two days, that's more than enough time to think about it and come up with an answer" I muttered feeling the frustration eat at me. I could see the slight upward tilt of Matteo's lips, in half a smile and half a smirk. Making me wonder what the rascal was amused about

"Is that why you haven't slept? Why you look like total shit"? He asked, his eyes holding a smug and no good look "Are you worried about him rejecting your offer, thereby rejecting you"? He teased making me roll my eyes at him.

"That's not the point here Matteo" I muttered feeling my ears burn and my whole body heat up

"Oh my God, your ears are pointy, are you actually thinking about him right now"? He asked, his eyes lighting up with something mischievous "wait, were you thinking about him before i walked in"? He asked and I just gritted my teeth and clenched my jaw

"Okay, you've overstayed your welcome, get out" I snapped as I watched him erupt in a fit of laughter, his head falling back as his Adam apple moved and his whole body shook as he laughed. I groaned out as I felt irritated and frustrated and somewhat embarrassed that Matteo was finding my predicament funny.

He clutched onto his stomach as he rocked himself on the chair, catching his breath and looking at me, his eyes crinkled up in amusement

"Please tell me you're not dreaming about him too" he teased, I hated that he was enjoying this so much and he knew it was getting to me as I glared at him, my eyes burning red with anger and embarrassment. "Oh my God, you're totally dreaming about him, holy fuck" he muttered making me growl out at him

"Get the fuck out of my office Matteo before I kill you" I threatened and his laughter only came back in full force, I cussed out regretting why I even talked to him about Nate, now he's never gonna stop teasing me

"Oh my God, Spade is having an erotic dream because of Nate" he gasped out, I could feel my neck heat up, if I was not as tanned as I was, I bet my cheeks would be burning red, I bit my lips and let out a cuss word.

"Pezzo di merda" (piece of shit) i cursed at him in italian and he laughed even harder, making me pick up the stapler in my office and hauling it at him, he dodged and it hit the door, my glare was hard now as I wanted him to get the fuck out of my office, I was beginning to sweat and it wasn't funny anymore. I could deal with me battling with myself about these strange feelings, but having Matteo tease me about it, that was just borderline crazy

He laughed as he strolled towards the door "No need to get all protective and secretive Spade" he muttered before looking at me again "don't worry your secret's safe with me" he added before winking at me and opening the door, laughing away, I picked up my lighter and hauled it at him but it just hit the door and dropped because he had already shut it.

I let out a deep breath and flopped myself on the chair, using my index finger to rub my temple. If I thought I had a headache before, then after talking to Matteo, I was now suffering from a full blown migraine.

I wish I could just shoot the little fucker but I couldn't. I sighed out and tried to focus on the work I was doing before

Decided we needed a little Spade's POV 😊😊😎