CHAPTER NINETEEN

going in blind

"what if he falls for madeline?" i lamented to maeve as we headed to ap world.

"he won't, y/n," she assured me. "he has enough self respect to know not to go for her."

"okay... well we're going to hang out on friday! it'll make up for lost one-on-one convos," i said, trying to inject some positivity into my thoughts.

"will this be your guys' first time hanging out alone?" maeve asked as we walked into class through the door, which was plagued by a portrait of mr fennel and his shiny head. i couldn't look at him the same. neither could maeve -- i had filled her in on the entire day so far with hurried words.

"yeah. i'm kind of nervous."

"it's going to be like a date!" she squealed. "i'll be with you in spirit."

i set my bag down next to me. it had been heavier ever since mrs fennel handed out the project packet. ugh -- the project. during second period, violet didn't say a word, which i appreciated, but it made me feel the absence of walker and i's banter.

i tried to push away the memories of the prior few hours. "what will you be doing on friday?"

"i'll probably be writing." her tone suggested she was hiding something.

"come on maeve, which fanfic?" i prodded.

"edward cullen x reader," she admitted, loudly and proudly enough that the whole class could probably hear. "i'm getting back into my edward era. just finished rereading breaking dawn for the fifth time."

"girl, you never left that era. it was just a few weeks ago you were screaming at the screen at that sleepover." that sleepover was the weekend before i met walker.

"anyways, after i spend some time with my vampire boyfriend, i'll be busy with one of my other boyfriends."

"i respect your multitasking. do i know this other boyfriend?"

"yes, you do, actually," she smirked.

"really? let me guess... harry styles? matthew gray gubler?" -- maeve shook her head -- "robert pattinson?"

"good guesses."

mr fennel arose from his massive desk chair. i couldn't help but wonder if it was so big because it had a built in toilet. "i'm in a bad mood today," he announced. "the only thing that could make it better if even one of you would study." oh no. i smelled bad news emitting from the stack of papers on his desk, the quiz we took the day i had the existential crisis. i couldn't even remember how i did that day.

that was until he returned them to us. since maeve's surname began with a "b," she was handed hers much before mine. she stared down at the grade paper blankly. "what did you get?" i asked cautiously.

"a fifty eight."

oh my. we had studied together, so i was probably going to get approximately the same grade. great! i knew my parents ( my dad ) were going to be pissed from the absence, but now the failing grade? i just hoped i could survive until casting.

i got my grade back a few minutes later. there was a fat fifty eight marked on the top. "i got the same thing," i muttered.

"who cares? at least we failed together." maeve shrugged, shifting her mindset once she accepted the grade. "how do you keep forgetting about your new philosophy?"

"it was kind of an abrupt change, something my parents haven't adjusted to."

"they're going to have to get adjusted sooner or later."

i rolled my eyes. "tell that to my dad."

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it was warm enough to walk home that day. february was only in a few days and i was ready for it last week. springtime was taunting the air, that afternoon being the outlier in temperatures all year. there were no flowers or even weeds in the cracks of sidewalks just yet, only their presence was felt nostalgically.

i had always preferred the cold weather, because cozying up by the fireplace with a book or a movie was an unmatched joy. but that was only when i was inside and untouched by the winter. in the warm weather, being cooped up inside was sticky and sizzling like a hot skillet left too long on a stove, so i always needed to be outside and kissed by the sun. so as i took the steps closer to home, i concluded that i was just someone who relied on warmth, the plain old medium.

i got the key to my house out of my pocket once i was a block away from it, near jordyn's. i wondered what he could have been doing, so grounded he was practically in the bedrock. i couldn't text him, couldn't even see him! the window to his bedroom was closed. i also didn't have gym class that day, so he could have been absent from school. was the three of us coming over that day really such a big deal?

"i'm home!" i hollered, zipping my school bag back up so the key was secure.

just as i anticipated, dad responded from the kitchen earnestly, "y/n, could you come here? we want to have a talk with you."

"i'll be right there." i tried my hardest not to have even a trace of what my parents would call an "attitude" and what i would call "expressing my genuine emotion in the name of effective communication."

mom and dad were both sitting in the breakfast nook, my favorite place in the kitchen. immediately, i jumped into the muddy puddle of worry that this apparent intervention would change the feelings associated with it.

dad had his phone placed in front of him like he was about to stick a knife and fork into it. next to him was mom and her phone. i felt like i was out of the loop on a new breakfast diet trend of electronics. "all good here?" i asked, making myself comfortable in the alcove across from them.

"you tell me," said dad casually.

"i'm fine." my eyes shifted aimlessly from parent to parent. which one was going to say it already?

it was my mom, to my surprise. "did you cut class today?"

"mrs fennel told me i was excused for that period," i said. "i don't know why she marked me unexcused."

"i want to believe you," dad said.

"but...?" i added for him. silence filled the room so much it was making it a little difficult to breathe.

then i noticed what was on his phone screen. from my upside down perspective, i could make out some sort of lengthy paragraph. mom started to cackle, and after a few seconds without explanation, i gave her an ignorant smile. "what's so funny?"

"you! you always had that side to you," she said through growing laughter. "you know, i give you credit. it was smart."

dad grinned, shaking his head. "you have your mother's humor, that's for sure."

"potty humor is immortal."

how did they find out about the doctor's note? did the false identity i gave him, dr. lipschitz somehow animate and spread my deepest darkest secrets to my parents? "well, thank you." i bowed elegantly, shielding the panic behind my proud smile.

"y/n, your chemistry teacher should be an english teacher with the amount of detail she writes in," chuckled dad. "from the report she emailed us, i can tell you've grown into quite the sly one, and the thumb warrior."

"are you guys mad at me?" as soon as i asked this, their smiles dropped.

"oh, yeah! you're grounded."

"i'm what !" this came as a shock to me, seeing as they were entertained by my tactics, almost proud of the way i went about the skipping. i had never been grounded. never, not once in my sunkissed life that i thought i would spend never digging down below the surface.

"we know this is only your first time, but we need to make sure it's the last," dad stated, holding open his palm at me. he was asking for my phone. "you won't be going out after school, having maeve over, or using your phone for more than an hour a day at home, until the school week is over."

i knew at that point that i would be underground with jordyn, cooped up in my room like it was summer again. it was like this abnormally warm day was a last taste of the outside before i was trapped inside.

then again, there was no way i was going to cancel on walker. i mean, i needed to see him. i would have to sneak out on friday, something that made my heart race. yet i identified that flutter as excitement. this was all new, all firsts. this would be the first time i was planning on sneaking out. this would be the first time i ever met someone who i even considered abandoning my old morals for. but where i was abandoning them was a desert with spiky sand, and i would be headed off to an unfamiliar place where there was grass to run around on.

it made me wonder -- what if being grounded was nothing like what's above the ground, what i know so well? what if it's better? i was being thrown in headfirst, so i would find out soon.

handing my phone to my dad, i told myself a comforting thought. maybe being grounded wouldn't be too bad.

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thank you for reading chapter 19!