CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

in hindsight



"is this why you were acting weird?" i asked maeve.

"indirectly, yes. i was here when the rain hit, so i realized how this situation that i've been dreading could have happened yesterday." she avoided eye contact with me. "but it didn't start yesterday, i've been seeing him for over two months."

my jaw dropped. "that's why you said you had more practice! the night i almost fell! and you laughed when i said you haven't had your first kiss!"

"damn," laughed walker. he was amused by the whole craze. he took the phone from jordyn's unmoving hand. all three of us turned to the mortified statue sitting in the windowsill. they were both guilty. i needed answers.

"but he looks nothing like robert pattinson!" i cried.

"hey," said maeve, "i don't want this to screw up anything between us. i know you're probably confused so i'll explain some of this. we've been hanging out first period this whole year since i have off and so does he--"

"not true," said jordyn, who seemed to have defrosted. "i've been skipping french class everyday."

"really? that's so romantic!" giggled maeve.

"come on, you gotta continue," said walker. he made his way back to the ground, phone in hand.

"and basically we got more close and yeah," said maeve nonchalantly. she took her phone back from walker.

"there's no way that's it," walker and i said in synchronization, except he pointed the fact out and i complained.

"well i guess there are things like how he's been driving me places that are too far cause i'm just a lazy ass bitch. like the readthrough sandwich thing?"

"i remember that," i said. "why didn't you tell me, maeve?"

"yeah, why is it such a big deal?" asked walker.

maeve shifted her gaze between the both of us, unsure of what to defend herself with. then she looked up at jordyn. "uh. well, the thing is..." it was like she was talking to him, her boyfriend. that's gonna take a while to get used to.

he didn't say anything. not for a while. we let the night seep into our senses for a minute. i tried to think of what could be so scandalous that she needed to hide it. then jordyn said, "maeve was the reason i got my phone taken away for the rest of the year." he said it solemnly but then let out some delayed laughter.

maeve opened her mouth and revealed her teeth -- it was not a smile. "yeah. your aunt found our texts. that's why i can't just walk out the door."

i glanced at walker in search of why their texts were worth getting his phone taken away. he appeared to know but didn't want to tell me. i pondered for a moment, then a realization came along with nausea. my mouth slowly distorted into a disgusted frown. all i could get out was, "oh my god."

"now are you glad i didn't tell you?" she reciprocated the abhorrence.

"you just did and now i can't unhear it." i felt like i was going to be sick. the only thing keeping me stable was the pure shock. my best friend and my cousin not only dating but sexting? i couldn't even -- didn't want to -- imagine how deep her digital footprint was in the dirt.

"i mean, i have no shortage of cupcakes if you want to both apologize to jordyn's mom," suggested walker. i couldn't tell if he was joking or not.

"i'm sorry, walker, this is probably excruciating for you to watch as someone who is luckily not involved," i sympathized. better, i empathized with him. we were both painfully uncomfortable. "i think we should go."

without looking back, i started down the driveway. walker followed behind and was next to me by the time we were on the sidewalk. i was wordless and kept my eyes on the pavement. thoughts were trying to accept the news i had just received, trying to make sense of it and figure out whose fault this was. if it was anyone's fault.

eventually my pace slowed, each step like i was avoiding the shards of my shattered mood. i didn't know where i was going, but i couldn't stay there where my perception of my closest friends was damaged.

then i realized i also have the person right next to me. he seemed to be waiting for me to talk. "that was unexpected," i finally said.

"'unexpected' is an understatement."

"but i feel like i should have expected it, y'know? it just seems so obvious now." i scoffed at myself in shame. "and guess what? i just remembered how she said she had a boyfriend. i thought she was talking about a fictional vampire. and it's just so silly looking back that i was worried she liked you."

walker hesitated. he turned to face me with an eyebrow raised. "what do you mean?"

oh crap. saying i was worried implied that i liked him as well. my heart sank for a moment, but i tried to play it off. "what do you mean, 'what do you mean?'"

"why would that worry you?"

"i dunno, like, we have a little group going here, no? it would mess up the dynamic." i sighed, thinking about how "have" might not be in the right tense.

everything felt so temporary. healthy relationships with people i was close to were dropping like flies. it started with my family, then best friends. now walker was the only person i felt like i could talk to, and he was the one who said he wanted to get back out into the world as soon as he could.

"okay... so, do you think anyone else knows?" he asked. right, i would love to move back to the other uncomfortable topic.

"probably jordyn's parents and my parents," i said. "ugh! the family reunions will be so awkward! at least that's the only time i'll be seeing him from now on. i don't think i can look either of them in the eye."

"give it some time. meanwhile, you have me," he said, smirking.

"you're right." but will i have him after that?

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

walker ended up escorting me home. i told him i wasn't up for going back to his, and he understood. in fact, i wasn't up for anything that i usually enjoyed; that nausea was persistent.

"thanks again, walker." we waved to each other before i continued down the block alone. we hadn't forgotten about the camera having the potential to catch evidence of me hanging out with a boy.

my intention was to go to bed immediately. there was nothing else to do really, and i could always rely on my insane dreams to entertain me against my will. as soon as my head hit the pillow, it was like the pillow hit me super hard, because i passed out.

what came out of sunday was a fresh short film. it was half inspired by the night prior and bizarre dream i had about the night prior, in which maeve and i were emily and aurora, jordyn was caleb, and walker was once again a leprechaun ( i excluded the last part ).

it was therapeutic to write the film, to romanticize ( what i viewed as ) betrayal. i had no aspirations of bringing it to life. it was to stay dormant in my collection of digital documents. maybe it would be resurrected when i become a famous filmmaker, when all this would seem so frivolous and teenage, insignificant, compared to my success. but i wished to share that success with the very people who i was hurt by. that part of my psyche needed no resurrection, yet i was debating whether it needed to be killed.



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thank you for reading chapter 33!