Maintain a smile no matter how tiring it was, keep a cheerful expression no matter how unhappy you truly felt, hold your pose steady no matter how uncomfortable you were under the watchful eyes of many, and look straight at the camera no matter how much you desperately wanted to escape its lenses.

Click. A momentary bright light illuminated from the digital device.

Should he put on a new expression? Perhaps the usual cheerful smile was starting to grow obnoxious?

Click

Maybe he should try tilting his head a little? If he didn't look his best, no one would pay attention to him.

Click

"And, that's a wrap. Thank you, Utari-san. You're done here for today."

Today was Utari's first day of his third year of high school. It was just his luck that it was also the same day where he had a shooting for a magazine cover in the morning. Arriving to school late on the first day wasn't going to leave a good impression. The male opted to arrive much earlier than usual to solve that issue, compromising his sleep in the process.

Despite his exhaustion slowly catching up to him due to his busy schedule (and the hours of shooting in the early morning), Utari managed an effusive smile at the photographer. As always, no matter how he was truly feeling, he was able to flawlessly maintain his bubbly and chirpy behaviour.

"Thank you! I hope you have a good morning."

Utari left the photoshoot and immediately searched for a jacket to cover himself. However, cutting his search short was Ichika entering the room. The woman approached him and handed his school uniform.

"Looks like you'll be making it to school on time, it was a good call to schedule it early," she said. "Are you sure that you're not tired? You can always take a break."

After many years working with her, Utari knew better than to take her words of consideration seriously. If he had to guess, her true question was, 'are you still holding on? I can always discard you elsewhere if you can no longer keep up.'

"Nope! In fact, I'm full of energy for my first day of school," he said.

Ichika smiled in satisfaction. "That's good to hear. You can go change and head to school. I'll send a ride over for you."

"No, that's fine. I'll walk." Utari could see a subtle flame of discontent flicker in Ichika's red eyes. He quickly added, "Who knows? Maybe I'll meet some fans on the way and sign some autographs."

"I suppose you have a point." She began walking away, but not before leaning in and quickly whispering to him, "I'm glad to see that you still know your place."

Utari didn't respond and watched as she left the room. With so many people around, he couldn't even afford to sigh out of exhaustion, let alone allow her word to affect him. The male grabbed his bag and headed towards the changing rooms.

As the idol did so, he would always ensure that he greeted everyone he encountered with a friendly smile and an enthusiastic voice no matter how bad of an opinion he had regarding the particular individual or what dubious and secretive things he was aware of about them.

Some would whisper behind his back, some would sneer when he wasn't looking, others would touch him without permission, and many would put on a nice face in front of him in hopes of gaining his favour. Utari was aware of all of this, but the situation was out of his hands. He accepted this type of environment years ago and he learnt to adapt to it in his own way.

When Utari reached the door to the bathroom, he stopped when he heard voices from the other side. He did want some alone time before school, so he turned around to leave. However, as he did so, he overheard some parts of the discussion.

"Utari-san is doing a photoshoot today, right?"

"Man, seriously? Another one? This guy literally gets spoonfed all these opportunities."

"Do you know how hard it was for me to feature in a magazine? I'm even older than him! I had to work my butt off for Ichika-san to finally pay some attention to me. "

"Right? I swear, Ichika-san favours him the most. It sucks that I have to pretend to like him so I can get on her good side."

"Y'know during that meet and greet how those girls were all over him? I bet he enjoyed all that attention."

"Right? God, that annoys me. What's even so good about him?"

Judging by the voices, the people inside were the other idols that were taken under Ichika's wing. Utari would often encounter them in the hallways and inside the studios. He would go out for lunch with them, laugh and smile with them, and he even had their contact informations.

Hearing this? Utari wasn't surprised. He had an inkling of their true feelings ever since their first encounter. He only played along in order to not complicate things, even if it meant creating a fabricated relationship with them. In the past he would feel hurt, betrayed, or frustrated at the incredulity of it all. And, back then, he acted on those emotions. The male didn't need to make the same mistake twice to learn of the consequences for doing that.

He went over to another changing room. It was much smaller in comparison to one from before, but people hardly came in here. Closing the door behind him, finally, the cheerful idol allowed his smile to fall. He walked over to the sink and placed his stuff on the counter beside it. Splashing water on his face, he relaxed at the refreshing coolness. It made him feel a little less suffocated in this building.

Washing the makeup off, he reached out for a towel in his bag to dry his face. He stared at his reflection, it was hard to recognise who was looking back at him. A vacant look in his grey-blue eyes, long vibrant blue hair that cascaded down his back, clothes that revealed more of his skin that he was comfortable with, and a face that many associated with an exuberant expression.

What would happen if the people who looked up to him knew who he really was?

Utari had finally reached a place where he had enough publicity to reach many with his songs, he realised that there were people who found comfort in his music, people who looked up to him for inspiration, and people who genuinely enjoyed his performances. His first big performance was certainly something to remember.

Of course, there were many who liked him solely for his appearance, which he thought was fine.

All of this was created through years of torturous hard work that strained him both physically and mentally. One slip up can potentially lead to his entire downfall. One slip up can revert him back to the child in the past who was easily forgotten and ignored by a crowd.

He pulled his hair back and began braiding it, studying his features whilst doing so. Was this look becoming too boring? The idol had considered dying his hair another colour as well as cutting it shorter, however, he was hesitant to do so as he was afraid of the reception from his fans if he changed the most recognisable features of himself.

"Should I get my ears pierced?" he mumbled after finishing his hair. He then slipped a few rings onto his fingers. "Ah, I should get my nails done again. Maybe a different colour this time."

After going inside one of the stalls to change his clothes, he checked his reflection again to ensure that he looked presentable. Since it was currently spring, Ichika got him the short sleeved uniform; it was a white shirt with the school logo on the side. Despite the warmer season, a part of Utari would've preferred to wear the blazer as well.

Adjusting his purple tie, he forced himself to smile naturally at the mirror. He was attending Zeitaku, after all. Who knows how many students from esteemed families were there. The last thing he wanted to do was mess up.

He then opened his school bag and looked over to the clothes he wore for the photoshoot. "Guess I'll have to carry these with me to school as well. I'll return them tomorrow."

Zipping his bag up, he almost dreaded leaving the changing rooms. Once he stepped out, it was back to his usual facade. Well, it wasn't like the times where he was alone were any better. Whenever he was by himself, oppressive thoughts would erode his self worth and cause him to overthink things. Perhaps it was better to be surrounded by fake smiles while wearing one of his own.

Then, aren't you just like everyone else in this building? Does that give you any right to pity yourself?

Utari's grip on his bag strap tightened. He had always told himself that he hated people who manipulated others, that he despised those who put on a facade, that he detest those who looked at the weaknesses or behaviour in others as a tool to use for themselves.

And, maybe that was why the person he hated the most was himself.

The idol left the changing rooms and made a swift exit out of the building. He checked his phone, it seemed like he would be arriving early. He'd probably spend the time befriending as many students as he could. While walking and contemplating the best way to present himself at school, he heard faint whispers coming from a group of girls up ahead who looked to be around his age.

Utari tensed. Okay, you're going to walk past them normally. And, if you happen to make eye contact, you're going to smile.

"...C'mon, just do it!"

"But, I'm too scared to! What if I make a bad impression?"

The male shot a puzzled look at the group of girls. When he made eye contact with one of them, a furious blush suffused her cheeks. Utari waved at her. "Good morning! Is there something wrong?"

The group of girls had their eyes wide open before they broke into a very aggressive barrage of whisper shouts.

"H-he's talking to us, I think!"

"Oh my god, I wasn't prepared for my first day of school to be like this!"

"Should I ask for an autograph?!"

"Idiot, don't look to me! Respond to him first!"

"O-okay!"

One of the girls timidly returned Utari's wave while her friends observed in awe. The male chuckled. Ah, they were just fans. He had thought that they were gossiping badly about him.

But, they could've been. How would you know?

The male pushed those thoughts away as a bright and charismatic smile settled on his lips––a smile that made the group of girls burst into a furious red and stuttering mess.

"Did you want to speak to me?" he asked.

"W-well, u-uhm. We were wondering if you would let us t-take a photo with you..."

A bubbly laugh escaped Utari's lips. "Of course! It's still early so we can take as many as you'd like." The male winked. "Want me to also throw in a song?"

Unbeknownst to Utari, that wink just made the heart rates of the girls skyrocket.

"N-no, it's fine! We-we don't want to trouble you," the girl squeaked before shakily handing over her phone. "Can you use this please?"

Utari took the phone and quickly snapped a photo with the group of highschool girls. They all profusely thanked him before they eventually drifted into a conversation with the idol.

"I can't always attend your performances, but I always make sure to watch them when they're uploaded!"

"Yeah! I always buy your merch to support you as well!"

"I hope you know how contagious your energy is! Your songs definitely help me get through difficult times."

"And, also when we're pulling all nighters, right?"

"That's only because you keep procrastinating on your assessments!"

"Hey! Don't expose me in front of my favourite idol!"

"You keep playing his music videos secretly during class!"

Utari laughed and thanked the girls for their words before continuing the conversation for a few more minutes before he had to part ways with them. He bid them an enthusiastic farewell coupled with another heart melting smile.

The girls seemed to have thoroughly enjoyed their time with him. There was laughter involved and they were smiling the entire time. He was sure they weren't pretending. If someone was pretending to like him, he'd know. After all, he encountered those types of people on a daily basis.

Meeting fans and hearing such positive and encouraging words would always boost his self esteem, make him more determined to continue creating new songs, and instil a cheerful energy into him for the rest of the day.

However, currently, he couldn't help but feel like a disappointment.

So, to phrase it in better terms; meeting fans and hearing such positive and encouraging words used to boost his self esteem, make him more determined to continue creating new songs, and instil a cheerful energy into him for the rest of the day.

Now, he would feel proud of himself temporarily, but then it wouldn't be long before his doubts begin to settle in his mind, whispering convincingly to him that he wasn't working hard enough, that he wasn't worthy of any praise and that no one would truly like him for who he was.

They like the you that smiled all the time, the you that's always cheerful and energetic, the you that performed on stage with blinding neons lights and a microphone, the you that seem to have everything together.

Not this pathetic mess.

A bittersweet smile graced the male's lips as he allowed the toxic thoughts to torment his mind on his way to school. He tried to deterrent this poisonous train of thought by playing music from his earphones. However, it seemed like no matter how loud he played it, it ironically wasn't able to drown out the conniving whispers that plagued his mind.

Eventually, Utari arrived at the front gates. As he was entering the school, from the corner of his eye, he spotted a familiar figure that he hadn't seen in years. The male's breath hitched and his mind immediately denied the possibility. However, after catching sight of her facial features, there was no denying who it was. Even after several years, he still recognised her.

He halted his moves, not wanting the girl to notice him.

What are you doing? Why are you stopping? Didn't you say that you were going to leave everything in the past behind? Why are you being affected by the presence of someone you've met once years ago?

She won't remember you, don't call out for her. Just walk past her.

She would look at you in disgust at the way you are now. Do not call out for her. Just ignore her.

"Oh! You're heading to the library too?"

The girl stumbled forward a little at Utari's sudden voice. She looked over to him and stared at him in surprise before quickly composing herself.

"That's the plan, but I'll probably get lost."

A bubbly laugh erupted from the idol, a laugh so cheerful that Utari even surprised himself with how well he acted it out. His eyes twinkled with an innocent amusement as a captivating smile graced his lips.

"I'm new here as well! Wanna come with me? I'm not familiar with the school, but I'm sure I'll be able to find it."

"I mean, I have no reason to deny it," she replied. "Sure."

The both of them entered the building and Utari noticed the awed look on the girl's expression at the polished state of the school's interior. If it weren't for his convoluted and conflicted state of mind, he'd chuckle out of amusement.

Why? Why did he call out for her? He had made up his mind years ago that he wouldn't associate himself with anything that reminded him of his younger self. So, why was the number one thing that prodded his mind was if the girl remembered who he was?

"By any chance, are you (L/n) (Y/n)?"

The girl blinked in surprise. "How'd you know?"

"Of course I know! I'm a big fan of your family's pastries," Utari said enthusiastically, the lie slipping past his lips as naturally as always. "Whenever I'm allowed, I'll always get something from them."

"That's... nice. By the way, what's your name?"

Utari was startled for a moment at the question. However, he reminded himself that it was natural she couldn't recognise him by his look. His features now were completely different to the past.

The male smiled brightly and held out his hand to her. She'll realise who he was when he mentioned his name, right? "Utari Kashi, let's get along!"

Nodding, the girl took his hand and shook it before smiling as well. "Yeah, let's."

...Does she not recognise me?

Thankfully, Utari was able to hide his surprise. However, it didn't change the fact that he was thrown off guard. Did she forget about him?

...I guess that makes sense.

After all, he was a boring person in the past, someone easily forgettable. Just a child with an annoyingly obnoxious love for music followed with amature musical abilities. Just remembering the nickname 'note' he gave to himself made him cringe.

So, it made sense that she wouldn't remember him, right?

He was in a much better place now. He had better control of his emotions, he had a sharper eye for judging someone's character, and he had a keener mind that wasn't susceptible to manipulation. He needed to convince––no, he needed to remind himself of those facts.

Shaking his thoughts off, Utari decided to engage in a lively chatter with the girl.

"(L/n)-san, what do you like to do in your spare time?" he asked.

"Uh, cooking, I think."

Hm? That was an odd response.

"You're new here, right? Why did you transfer?"

"...Uh family reason, I think? Wait hold on––"

"Do you plan to inherit your family's business?"

"I have to what––"

"What are your favourite songs?" Ah, he couldn't stop himself from asking that question.

The girl appeared a little panicked for a moment before a momentary look of realisation appeared on her expression. The student pulled out her phone and displayed the screen to Utari.

"Ah, I'm currently listening to this one," she said.

A short silence descended amongst the two of them and Utari noticed a look of concern slowly creeping on the girl's face.

"(L/n)-san..."

"Uh, yes?" she responded, a confused expression written on her face.

The song typed in the phone was sung by him. But, for some reason, the thought of her listening to the songs he produced under Ichika's agency left a bad taste in his mouth. Actually, if she did listen to his music, then why didn't she recognise him? Maybe not as the friend from the past, but as an idol at least.

"You seem genuinely confused. Ah, how should I put this?" he said with a lighthearted chuckle. He pointed to himself. "I'm the artist of that song."

"Say sike right now."

The idol took out his phone and searched up the song the girl showed him. Immediately, the search displayed various photos of him ranging from his live performances to his photoshoots. Seeing himself like that, he couldn't help but grimace.

"See? The artist is Utari Kashi!"

She leaned forward and read the digital text. "Well then," she mumbled. "I guess I was too into the song to realise who the artist was."

"...Really?"

Liar.

"Well, now you know! Don't you think I look super cool here though? They always manage to capture my good side."

But, I'm one as well. So, who am I to judge?



===



He supposed he was thankful that (L/n) had forgotten about their past together. After all, when he encountered another particular individual that knew his younger self, he was reminded of how much he hated encountering anything that connected to his past.

Kasumi Himari, Utari found out that she attended the same junior high as him. He remembered her brother's words regarding her opinion on his songs in the past. Utari didn't know how he was supposed to feel, but he was sure that what he was currently feeling wasn't what you'd typically expect.

The first emotion that struck him was panic, especially when the female didn't hesitate to confront Utari and question his change in not only his music, but also his appearance. To make things worse, she had no sense of privacy and would say these things even when there were other students present as well.

Salvaging the situation with a smile, playing pretend, and deterring the conversation elsewhere wasn't going to work forever.

Why was she so persistent?

Why was she making out his change to be a such bad thing?

If she kept prodding him for answers, it was only a matter of time until rumours begin to spread or students began to grow suspicions. Kasumi had a bad reputation and seemed to have something against Aimi, he could use those two things to his advantage.

"Sorry for the trouble. She must've accidentally unplugged the karaoke machine when finding a place to plug in her charger, it's pretty dark afterall."

Whispers arose and numerous judgemental eyes focused on the girl upfront––not Kasumi, but (L/n).

"(L/n)-san..." He began.

Kasumi was meant to be the one in the centre of the negative attention. So, why are you also there?

Though (L/n) tried to hide it, Utari could tell that she was extremely cautious of him. It was as if she was expecting him to strike at her. The male couldn't wrap his head around her character or the reasons for her actions, and that bothered him.

"...What exactly do you think you're doing?" he asked, a hidden look of malevolence in his eyes.

Her eyes widened for a brief moment. However, she didn't seem to be caught off guard or confused by his subtle change in demeanour.

"Can you repeat that?" she asked.

The idol tilted his head inquisitively to the side as he looked at her with a puzzled expression. "Ah! I meant to ask what you were doing here." A light chuckle parted from him. "You've basically been invisible this afternoon."

(L/n)-san, you've changed since then, just like me. Is it wrong of me to think that we're a little similar?

"Forget it."

Kasumi unplugged her phone from (L/n)'s portable and curtly returned it to her. After sending one last cold glare towards Aimi, she exited the room and closed the door with a loud and irritated slam. Students were left speechless at the scene that had just unfolded. Some exchanged nervous glances, others remained silent and busied themself with something quiet. Utari glanced over to Aimi and noticed something interesting.

"Are you alright?" he whispered to her.

The blonde fluttered her eyes in surprise. "Y-yeah. I'm okay. Why?"

It seemed like you wanted to talk to (L/n). "Ah, you just look a little dazed, that's all."

Aimi giggled, but the idol could easily tell it was forced. The girl seemed uncomfortable either at the tension in the room or at the amount of attention that was being put on (L/n). If he had to make a guess, he'd say it was the latter.

"Well, it was an accident, right?" Utari said, his cheerful and melodious voice soothed the tense atmosphere, melting the oppressiveness as if it were cotton candy. "Let's go back to singing! I'm taking up volunteers to sing a duet with me next."

After the lively atmosphere was restored, Utari happily chatted with the students. However, from the corner of his eye, he noticed (L/n) going to the back of the room. She seemed to be contemplating something pensively.

(L/n)-san, you're a little careless of your reputation. What would you do if something were to happen to you because of that carelessness?

I suppose I should be the one to help you with that then.

It'll be best for you to experience the repercussions it now and learn to deal with it. After all, I made the mistake being manipulated by such rumours when I was younger.

The karaoke gathering continued smoothly, everyone had a good time and there were no more issues. The idol ended up staying longer than he had anticipated, which concerned him a little. On top of his schoolwork, he had a mountain of other responsibilities associated with his career. His parents shouldn't be home tonight, so he supposed stay up a little late. Though, if he did too much of that, it'll start to take a toll on his physical appearance. He definitely could not have that.

As everyone was bidding their goodbyes, he planned to catch up to (L/n). As he was about to go over to her, someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Aimi-san? Is something wrong?"

The female didn't respond immediately. It looked like she approached him on a whim, which frustrated Utari a little. He briefly glanced over his shoulder to check if (L/n) was still there only to find out that she had already left the area.

"Did you want to organise the time for our next date already?" he asked playfully.

"O-oh, it's not that. It's just, can I ask you for a favour––actually, nevermind. Thinking about it, it sounds a little silly."

The idol shook his head. "Ask away! I'm sure it's fine."

He noticed Aimi briefly glancing over his shoulder, her sights seemed to be momentarily looking where (L/n) used to be. The female seemed to be especially focused on her tonight, Utari wondered the reason behind that. Though, he wasn't too overly curious to where he was desperate to find out the answer. But, he'd keep the thought in the back of his mind.

"Can you...uhm..." She took in a deep breath. "Stay away from (L/n)-san?"

Utari blinked in surprise. "Sorry?"

Aimi seemed to immediately regret her words. "W-well, uhm. Actually, please forget that!"

She bowed apologetically to him. Before the idol could further question her, she had already left. Utari thought about running after her, but he decided against it when he was reminded of the work he still had to do at home.

Stay away from (L/n)? What led her to make such a request?

The question didn't stay in Utari's mind for long as when he received a text message that his driver had arrived. Pocketing his phone with a sigh, he began leaving the vicinity as well. For his first day of school, it sure was eventful. And, he couldn't help but feel like things were only going to get more complicated from here on out.



===



A strong wave of static seemed to tighten around your mind, you felt like your eyelids weighed a million more times than they usually did as you struggled to open them and see past your blurred vision.

Your body felt deprived of any means of energy and each of your limbs felt like a thousand ton brick. However, you struggled through the exhaustion and made an attempt to sit up. There was a muffled echo that rang in your ears. Was it someone's voice? You couldn't tell, your state of mind was too haphazard for you to collect your thoughts let alone comprehend your surroundings.

Shutting your eyes tight in an attempt to subdue the pain, when you finally sat up, you flinched when you felt someone touch your shoulder and your hand instinctively tried to swat it away. Wincing, your sudden action caused your head to throb in pain. You put your hand up to your forehead in an attempt to sooth it, and while doing so your hearing began to clear up.

"...(L/n)-san."

Was someone calling out for you?

"(L/n)-san!"

Gasping in surprise, your eyes shot open at the voice. And, further startling you, right in front of you was the individual you hoped to see the least as of right now.

"...Utari-san?"



A/n: And, that wraps up Utari's backstory! This chapter was honestly super fun to write. I revisited a few parts of the story to explore his character a little more, however, I purposefully left some scenes vague for your interpretation! This is my first time writing this in-depth for a character so I hope I did an okay job at conveying Utari's thoughts and emotions

Thoughts on him? Has your opinions changed? Utari really said no one can hate him more than himself